Expectations

My appointment on Sat. Morning in Akron did not go how I wanted it to. I was hoping for more follicles and was hoping they were a little larger. As soon as the Dr. "went in" she said it look like my ovaries weren't doing much. Great.... I asked it is was normal for my follicles to be that small (and amount) given the amount of medicine I am on. Her response was "everyone is different" Great.... So back on same protocol (300iu Gonal; 150in Menopur) until Monday at 2:30 when I see Moretuzzo in the Canfield office. I had 7 follies. 4 on right, 3 on left all ranging from 4 to 7. They have to grow to around18- 20 I believe before they are ready to be retrieved. I asked nurse if 7 was it? Because I know it's not guaranteed all will grow. She said sometimes its hard to see them all and some more may show up. She also mentions if I don't feel comfortable with this cycle and if I feel like I can do better we can cancel the IVF and change it into an IUI cycle. This bothered me because I felt like she was saying it's not going to be a favorable cycle for IVF. But I know it's super early and I think the Dr. will tell me if he thinks the IVF would not be the right choice given all the circumstances. I think she said that too because she sensed my disappointment with the amount and size of follicles. Idk but I'm really starting to feel more and more broken. Like it's my fault because I have "old" eggs. I know Scott loves me with all his heart and soul and I know we have a miracle son who I grew, carried and delivered but if I sit here and think about why we don't have any more miracles running around- it's because of me. It's nothing I did or could of prevented but I still feel bad, guilty and broken.

Carter knows we are trying to "fix my belly". The other day before my shots he gave me a hug and said he hopes my belly gets fixed so "he" can have a baby. Lol. He also requests a brother all the time. I've gotten use to hearing those painful words come out. But last night before I put him to bed he said "Mom, if you can't fix your belly can we adopt a kid who doesn't have a Mom". I didn't know what to say except "We'll talk about it later".
I've been pretty down in the dumps and wanting to quit but I will keep fighting. That's what you do for your kids. You will go to the ends of the earth, put yourself through hell, and fight til the final round for them - even if you've never met yet.