Labels

I hate putting labels on my forehead. I did it with the unexplained infertility imaging a big "I" on my forehead and feeling less of a woman because I need help from drugs, Dr.'s and the bank to get pregnant. Now I feel like I have "Mom to a Stillborn" written on my forehead. I feel like it's a disease that no one wants to catch. I feel like women look at me and Thank the Heavens they aren't me. And they "Can't image", and "Wouldn't survive something like that" and think "I'm much stronger of a person than they are".
I'm mean to myself I know. I try to own my story, be proud? of my story, Believe that something positive will come out of my story. Believe that I can do God's work because of my story. I try to imagine my babies in Heaven alive and perfect and watching over me. It's hard though. I think about the tragedy everyday and what I thought my life was going to be this summer. It's really depressing. I also think that I would gladly take all this pain for my children if it means they didn't have to suffer or feel one moment of it. That's what you do for your kids.
I hate reliving the moment over and over in my head the day Nathan passed. It happens almost everyday. Its haunting. Especially the phone call to Scott and his reaction.... I want that to stop.
I haven't been to the grave in a while and I haven't felt like going. I don't know why. It's too painful. I want to decorate/make it look nice but I haven't had the desire to go there. I feel guilty about that. I don't know what is in my future. Is there another child? I would like to Hope so but my heart is weak, it's tired, it's broken. I don't know if Scott and I can handle much more. There's only one thing to do- Pray.