We are not alone this Thanksiving

Grateful and Grieving

This is a blog post I stumbled across. I loved it.

Dear Sweet Liam,
Only you know how I feel inside about this day exactly 1 year ago. I worry about you everyday. Please fill my heart with Peace.
Love always,
Mom

Left behind

I feel left behind. I feel like life moved on for my everyone and it didn't move on for Scott and I. We are left behind. Our lives aren't back to "normal", we can't fully enjoy a birthday, a holiday, a celebration, anything. We are stuck. We are trapped. Everyone is moving forward and we cannot. To him and I it feels like we are going to feel this way forever but I know that is not true. I feel as though Scott and I are so sensitive right now because we have been hit with such shock and trauma. We are also depressed. We have an incredibly low tolerance for drama, bull shit, fake-ness, and insensitivity. We want everyone to put themselves in our shoes before they talk to us about their "problems". Maybe that makes us intimidating, hard to love, not fun to be around?? I don't know.
I can't bubble myself, even though I'd like to.
With the holidays season approaching it just feels like I'm going through the motions because I am stuck. I am stuck thinking about the twin boys I thought were going to celebrating their 1st Christmas but instead I just ordered a memorial ornament for them to hang on the tree...

Year 1

The first year after a personal loss is the hardest. I can't wait until my "Year 1" is over. I have until St. Patrick's Day of 2016. I know I won't feel miraculously better on March 18th but all those thoughts in my head right now of "Last year at this time I was..." Just found out I was pregnant... Just found out it was twins, Just found out Liam was abnormal, Knew Liam was going to die, Lost Liam...., Had a baby shower, Set up the nursery, Lost Nathan...
Last night was bad. It was one of those nights where I kept getting flashbacks of all the horrible events that have happened the past year. I can easily put myself right back in those moments. It is so painful. I want them to stop. I feel horrible that we lost Liam only 3 days after Carter's birthday. I think I 'm going super overboard with Carter's birthday party to distract myself. It was working up until recently. I want my twin boys back. I want them to be celebrating their big brother's birthday and the Holidays with us. My heart just aches for them.

3 babies lost. One in each of the 3 trimesters. 6 weeks, 18 weeks and 35 weeks. Each loss had its own difficulties and pain. It's hard to believe.

But, I do think God spoke to me on Sunday when I was in church. He told me to make a phone call to the social worker at the hospital and ask how I can be involved with the HEAL (Helping Each Other After Loss) program. I'm a bit nervous though. Am I strong enough? Has enough time passed? What can I do? What helped me? I need to make this phone call. But I am nervous.

I don't know what to do on the 24th. Liam's angelversary. I want to start a tradition. I'm thinking about sending up balloons with messages on/in them at their grave. I don't know.... I just want my Year 1 to be over......