So we've been waiting on answers on three things. All have to do with money and "catching a break" so to speak. I thought for sure one of theses answers was going to be yes. I knew the other two were long shots but I still had Hope.
1. We asked the hospital to help us financially with all the medical bills we incurred over the pregnancy and birth/death. The answer: No. This was the surprising one to me. It irks me how many people take advantage of "the system". It really isn't fair but that will never stop me from being a honest human being.
2. We asked Scott's employer for infertility coverage. We were shocked when we got a response from the Human Resources contact saying that infertility coverage for the company as a whole will be brought up in the next meeting. The answer: No. No plans on offering infertility coverage to employees.
3. We applied for a Baby Quest grant. A thick application including photos, a letter, medical forms filled out by my Dr. and myself as well as a $50.00 "application fee". The answer: No. We were not chosen. Please try again.
So I'm driving to work this morning and that's when I do my really deep thinking. WHY? Why do I Hope for things? Why can't we catch a break financially?, Where is this money going to come from for the frozen embryos? Why do I even Pray?, Why is the answer NO most of the time?, Why did I even think one of these answers was going to be Yes? I feel like an idiot. Why do I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me something but then I am totally wrong? Why do I even Hope and Pray? Does the Holy Spirit even exist? Why can't God hear me? Why is husband so stressed out all the time about money? How am I supposed to help us?
I just don't know. I am so confused. I want to keep my head up but I feel like I'm hanging from threads right now.
As I was having this silent melt down in my head, "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe came on the radio. This song reminds me of my friend's mom who recently passed away. Her name is Mary. The day Mary's family decided to take her off life support I went to the hospital to offer my love ,support and prayers . Knowing Mary's husband wanted to start the process around sunset I left the hospital around that time in the evening. As I was driving home I was so upset for my friend, for her family, for the situation. As I stared into the beautiful pink/orange sunset I couldn't help but imagine what my friend must be feeling losing her Mom, what Mary's husband felt losing his wife and what Mary felt like inside. Then the song "I am not alone" came on and I knew it was Mary talking to me through the radio letting me know she is not alone and that it will be OK. It is a moment I will never forget. Coincidentally, the same song was sung at her funeral. When it came on today I felt like it was Mary telling me I am not alone. God hears you! your boys hear you! I hear you! just keep going, just keep moving forward.
Thank you Mary- I needed that
