Coincidence?

I got a desk calendar for a gift and each day has a different prayer or reflection on it- Here was today's

"Why do you think it's important to God that patience be growing in us? It's because God's timing is not our timing. He is always doing more than we see or know, so we have to trust Him on how long He takes to bring things to pass. God perfects and refines us before He brings us into all He has for us, and that takes time."

Lost

I can't seem to pull myself up from a second job rejection I received yesterday. It added so much to my already shitty week. I think it was such a shock to me because I just had my first interview on Monday and I thought it went really well. The interviewer even told me when the 2nd interviews were going to be held and then on Wednesday I get a "thanks, but no thanks" rejection letter??? I was in shock. I just stood there and wondered why? Why can't I accomplish anything I want and try hard for??? WHY? I know... I have a wonderful husband and family, a house, a car, my health, and somewhat of a job but I'm trying to better myself with a new career and all the rejection is making me feel even more like a failure. I tried so hard to get pregnant for 2 years and failed, now I work so hard to get a new job and fail at that too. Why should I keep trying, what is motivating me to not give up- nothing. I know I am being selfish and negative but who wouldn't be under my circumstances? I'm so tired of Scott and my closest family and friends saying "I'm sorry" when something doesn't go well for me-because I cant achieve anything I strive for. I am lost. I don't know where to go from here. I am so depressed and I cant find a single glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I need to do something- I just don't know what. I can't get thought out of my head. I am almost 26, married for 4 years, and still no baby and not even a good job. I had the chance to get hired for two great jobs at two great companies- and neither want me. How much more am I suppose to take? I don't know how much more mental abuse I can give myself. I wish I knew what to do...

Let downs

I feel like my life is just constant let downs. I feel like complete shit today. A new job, a new career I really wanted at a company I would of loved to work chose to hire another person. It was between us 2. I made it down to the final 2 and still can't catch a break! I am so damn frustrated. the two major aspects of a person's life are family and work- I can't get either! A baby means so much to me- it's all I ever knew I was sure about. I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a mom. I fail at that and now while trying to distract myself from everything pregnancy and infertility I am trying to concentrate on my career. I finally get an interview and am SO excited about the job and WHAM another disappointment, another failure. I wish I wouldn't of known it was down to me and another girl- that just makes it so much worse... I feel so horrible. I don't know how to pull myself up anymore. I cannot catch a break. I'm tired of being strong, being positive, being "fine" I'm not those things right now. I don't know what to do...

Expectations

I've come to realize through the past two years, you can't expect people to feel what you feel inside and you can expect someone "to put themselves in your shoes" when you want them to. It's hard when some one's words or actions hurt you inside but because they aren't living your life or feeling your emotions. And I don't mean words or actions that are literally hurtful- just stories, comments, situations that make Scott and I think about all the devastation we been through and what we want so much and cant seem to accomplish... Maybe this doesn't make sense to you but it does to us. Scott and I handle things differently but we both instinctively know when the other is upset and trying to hold it in. At times something is said or we are put in a situation that will spark the emotions and tears to fall later- when its just him and I, when we are alone and don't have to explain our emotions to anyone else. For example- if we have a good day and all of a sudden I start to cry and become upset, Scott knows what happened during the day to trigger that to happen because he feels it to. He just chooses to handle it different and that's OK. When you've gone through 2 years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, 1 year of infertility doctors and drugs, 2 surgeries including a D&C from a miscarriage things affect you differently. You see situations differently. You are more sensitive. Who wouldn't be??? But what's important is not expecting every family member and friend to empathize with you. Not because they're intensive or rude or forgetful. They just aren't you and aren't living your life. Scott and I know how we feel, we have each other, we are strong and weak with and for each other. Its hard for us and sometimes, I will avoid situations that I know will make me upset and I don't care if I get criticized for it because no one is me- no one has my past, my future, my heart, my mind, my emotions. I don't want to sound like my family and friends aren't supportive or sympathetic because they have been my support system since day 1. I owe so much to them for the prayers, tears, encouragement, advice and listening ears and shoulders to cry on. I have learned so much about myself, how to be strong and how to take care of myself and realize that being jealous of someone who has what we've worked so hard for is pointless. Yes, it still hurts sometimes and we will never forget but that's their life and our miracle will happen one day and it will be just as sweet, special, and life changing...

It is so true what they say- "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

Moments

It's been about a month since the D&C and I am very proud of myself. I managed to stay positive (most of the time) and not think about getting pregnant (most of the time) Ive been going out alot and I am continuing my exercising and that keeps my mind occupied which is definitely what I need but... I have my moments. Moments when reality slaps me in the face and I get a wave of anger, sadness and shock. "I can't believe I had a miscarriage" I will say to Scott all of a sudden sometimes... its still so shocking to me. Then I will think "I could of been almost 11 weeks pregnant right now" "I cant believe I was pregnant and it was just taken from me- gone- just like that" Its so damn frustrating and its just not fair. I have to stop myself right there because it drives me crazy and triggers all the pain again. I usually can pull myself out of this mind frame and once again I find strength I never knew I had left inside of me to keep on going- to accept what happened- put it in the past- and be thankful for all that i have now.

Scott has been wonderful as always... He is such a good man, husband and provider. I couldn't ask for a better partner and best friend. I think this summer is going to be our best yet. We are looking forward to all the cookouts, parties, concerts and just being together. My luck *hopefully* is changing in a professional aspect. Ive had a really good job interview and I am excited about the possible change. Doing what I do now is not helpful. I have LOTS of free time to think, think, think and the pay is no where near what I am capable of making... But I put my work life on hold because I thoughts things were going to be different. Work was definitely not my priority and now I am ready to make it my priority. I want to be busy and I want to feel like my job is important and on my level of what i know I'm capable of. i want to be challenged and busy and most of all I want a salary worthy of my skills and knowledge and potential. My fingers are crossed! This new job will be a wonderful change for me.

I hope the pieces are finally starting to fall into place for me. Pray, pray pray!!