Just an F.Y.I today

I found this article that explains egg retrieval well- Here's the link

Article explaining egg retrieval

And when I go in for ultrasound every 2 days- this is what my ovaries look like. Big honeycombs! All the dark circles are follicles. Follicles contain the eggs for baby making! However, not all follicles have eggs or the egg inside a follicle may not be mature enough to be fertilized.

In a normal "drink tequila and get pregnant" scenario one only follicle would grow large and be the dominant follicle and get fertilized.

I never really liked tequila anyway....

"There are plenty of follicles" Music to my ears!!!

Those were the words of my Dr. today. I am a slow grower but I do have a least 19 follicles total and most growing at same rate- size was around 12-13mm. I go back on Friday for another looksee. I am almost excited. I just want to make it to egg retrieval. I don't know why I feel like I'm doomed for disaster. (Aunt Jess says its because of my past experiences and I'm sure she's right).
I've never wanted time to go quicker in all my life! I still feel like I'm going to ovulate early or I already started ovulating. But Dr. is saying all is well and that's why I am on the Cetrotide - to prevent early ovulation. I am really, really, really trying to trust him. It's difficult when I have SO much invested- emotionally, spiritually, financially.

Scott is the best mixer ever!!!

Paging Dr. Johnson: http://youtu.be/5S6kXdmW7FY

And I think we need a new waste container!!

Extreme exhaustion (and emotions)

For the past couple of days I have been extremely tired. I just read online that Menopur makes a lot of women tired. I don't ever remember being this tired on FSH before and Menopur is a new drug to me so maybe that's it. Or maybe it's because my body is working over time to make lots of follicles. Whatever the reason-it's horrible. And then there's my emotions. Carter starts crying today saying he misses Gracie (our Saint Bernard we had to put down last November) I really tried holding it together for his sake but I miss her too. I miss putting my hands in her fur on her big head and cuddling with her. She was with me through all our other infertility treatments and I miss her being here too so I cried with Carter. Cried like a baby.
Got a call from nurse saying Dr. Looked at my bloodwork from yesterday and my estrogen level was 427 and I should start the Cetrotide today and continue daily until I am ready to trigger (right before egg retrieval). Scott wasn't home so I had to mix and administer myself. It went semi smooth. Made a mistake when I was getting air out of syringe and I lost a tiny bit of medication. Rookie mistake. Most of it got in my system around 11:45AM. Tomorrow and the days following I will take this injection between 6 and 8AM. And still do Gonal and Menopur at night between 7 and 9PM. So 3 shots daily probably until the weekend. I am super anxious to go back tomorrow to see how big my follies are.
Today I feel like a hot mess.

Officially bloated

When I woke up I thought it was because of the half pound black and blue burger I destroyed at my birthday dinner last night but as the day when on I have been feeling more and more ovary pressure and I think its safe to say my follicles are showing. It feels like I'm 3 months pregnant and I know this is only going to get worse as the days go on.
Well it is my 33rd birthday today and this is what I have to say about it

I went in and saw Dr. Moretuzzo and I feel much better about my body than I did on Saturday. He was able to see 10 follies on right and 6 follies on left. Out of 16- he measured 8 that were all around the same size - 10. Seems like they growing 2mm per day. These have to get to size of 18 before they are retrieved. Dr. says I am a slow responder (which I knew already) and instead of the average 9-11 days of stims, I will on stims for 11 to 13 days. He is guesstimating the egg retrieval will be next Wednesday August 6th. I'm probably not starting Cetrotide until this Wed. when I go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork. Cetrotide will prevent me from ovulating early. Dr. said he doesn't want to start Cetrotide until my Estrogen is 400 or above or when my follies are size 14. I got bloodwork done today so if my estrogen is 400 or higher nurse will call and tell me if I need to start Cetrotide earlier.

 

I needed to order more meds. (UGH, Damn slow responding body. You expensive!) So I the pharmacy just called trying to charge me double than what I paid last time. All they want is my credit card number. They are not too empathic on the phone. (understatement). I told the lady she not getting my credit card number until she gets my total right.

 

So that's it for today. I'm a tad bit tired of the shots in the belly. And I think Scott is a tad bit tired of giving them to me. My stomach looks like a pin cushion. A pin cushion with a side of bruising.

 

 

Uterus selfie!

My sister got me a good luck uterus for my birthday! Lol. I love it!!!

Expectations

My appointment on Sat. Morning in Akron did not go how I wanted it to. I was hoping for more follicles and was hoping they were a little larger. As soon as the Dr. "went in" she said it look like my ovaries weren't doing much. Great.... I asked it is was normal for my follicles to be that small (and amount) given the amount of medicine I am on. Her response was "everyone is different" Great.... So back on same protocol (300iu Gonal; 150in Menopur) until Monday at 2:30 when I see Moretuzzo in the Canfield office. I had 7 follies. 4 on right, 3 on left all ranging from 4 to 7. They have to grow to around18- 20 I believe before they are ready to be retrieved. I asked nurse if 7 was it? Because I know it's not guaranteed all will grow. She said sometimes its hard to see them all and some more may show up. She also mentions if I don't feel comfortable with this cycle and if I feel like I can do better we can cancel the IVF and change it into an IUI cycle. This bothered me because I felt like she was saying it's not going to be a favorable cycle for IVF. But I know it's super early and I think the Dr. will tell me if he thinks the IVF would not be the right choice given all the circumstances. I think she said that too because she sensed my disappointment with the amount and size of follicles. Idk but I'm really starting to feel more and more broken. Like it's my fault because I have "old" eggs. I know Scott loves me with all his heart and soul and I know we have a miracle son who I grew, carried and delivered but if I sit here and think about why we don't have any more miracles running around- it's because of me. It's nothing I did or could of prevented but I still feel bad, guilty and broken.

Carter knows we are trying to "fix my belly". The other day before my shots he gave me a hug and said he hopes my belly gets fixed so "he" can have a baby. Lol. He also requests a brother all the time. I've gotten use to hearing those painful words come out. But last night before I put him to bed he said "Mom, if you can't fix your belly can we adopt a kid who doesn't have a Mom". I didn't know what to say except "We'll talk about it later".
I've been pretty down in the dumps and wanting to quit but I will keep fighting. That's what you do for your kids. You will go to the ends of the earth, put yourself through hell, and fight til the final round for them - even if you've never met yet.

Injection day 1 is done.

Well after a 12 hour day of work, soccer practice and driving- we completed our first day of injections at 9PM last night (In addition to 6 oral meds taken throughout the day). All went well. Except my freak out at Scott when he wasn't going to grab my skin before darting needle in. Hence why I named the video what I did. We laughed really hard when we watched the video after we were done! I have to say- I give my Scott a lot of credit! He did my injections for me in 2007 and 2008. But when we went back in 2012 I injected  myself so he was a little rusty (and shaky!). The menopur burned but not for too long. Now all I need to do is cheer my follicles on. GROW FOLLIES, GROW! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

We will be repeating same protocol tonight and Friday.
P.S. I picked the song "Get down on it" for the video because the last time I was at RE office to get trans vaginal ultrasound it was playing and I felt like it was awkward and appropriate??

Video:
"What are you a rookie?"

Kitty got a new bed today!!!!

My drugs and adorable son: http://youtu.be/tXbPMJOnFwY

Got drugs??

"Checks outs me drugs matey". (Not sure why I think pirate voice is needed here)
That's a wonderful supply of Gonal-f, Menopur, Cetrotide, HCG, Progesterone in oil, doxycycline, foltx, medrol, valium, vicodin, estradiol, CoQ10, baby aspirin, and I can't leave out good ol' prenatal vitamins!
(Changing voice to the SNL characters now) "I am ready to puuump my ovaries up!"

Injection Day 1 is here!!!!!

Staring at my phone.

Follow up with Moretuzzo last Friday went OK. My polyp came back normal. My ovaries and uterus are resting and I'm clear to go! But wait- it's not that simple. I asked Dr. if I can try and schedule retrieval around the week of Aug. 18th because Scott will be on vacation that week. He explained to me that he doesn't want me to be on birth control for more than 7 weeks. 7 weeks was the max number of weeks he wanted me to be on the active pills for. Once he said "max" I said forget it. Let's start sooner. I told Dr. if this doesn't work I will think its because I was on birth control the "max" number of weeks so we agreed that we will schedule consent signing (basically signing a zillion waivers stating I understand the zillion things that could go wrong- and handing over $7,500) on Monday July 21st and start my meds that day as well.
I got a call on Monday from another nurse (Not main IVF nurse) and she says Dr. wants me to wait some more and continue taking active birth control and it is OK to do so. Her explanation for this was the main nurse is out of office until Friday- which is today July 18th and SHE has to set us my consent signing. PLUS Moretuzzo forgot when I saw him last Friday that is out of the office on Monday the 21st (He has to be present for consent signing). Confused yet??? I am.

So basically staring at my phone waiting for main nurse to call to tell me when consent signing is, when to stop birth control, and when I'm going to be starting injections. OH and answer the 100 questions and concerns I have about being on active birth control so long and how it can effect my egg numbers and egg quality AND what if I start my period after starting stims?? Will this effect my uterine lining? I've been googling crap all week. Dr. Google is bad. Very bad!

WHY ISNT MY PHONE RINGING??????

Well I had to call the Dr. Office twice and I finally got a call a little after 5P.M. The nurse gave me a choice of when we can come in to do consent signing and go over meds. Sat, Sun or next Thursday. Sunday was out because it was my Godsons baptism. I didn't want to wait or call off work Thursday so we opted for 8:45A.M the next morning. Which kind of ruined our date plans we had planned for that day but what are you going to do??? We need to get this train rolling!! So, up at 5A.M., out the door at 7. Drop C off at in-laws at 7:30, in Akron for our 8:45 appointment, write a huge check, get blood work, talk with Dr. who answers to all of my questions and concerns, (and who jokingly looks at me like I'm semi crazy) sign paperwork similar to a house closing, then get prepped for another u/s.
Basically Dr. Tells me my ovaries need a lot of medicine based on what he's seeing and mentions my "low" ovarian reserve. Low has never been used before. It was always "borderline".
Not comforting at all. My fear is that I have crappy quantity and quality eggs. I of course want an answer to this 9 year battle. But am I ready for it? It's incredibly hard for someone to tell you there's something not normal with you and you did nothing to make it that way, and you can't fix it no matter what you do.
After u/s we met with nurse so she can go over all our meds. It was the most overwhelming 30 minutes of my life!!!! So many medications! Injectibles and oral. There's also when to take each one, how long, where to inject, how to mix, etc., etc., etc. When we left I just looked at Scott and said HOLY SHIT and laughed. That's literally all I could do. I ordered all my injectibles and they are getting delivered tomorrow and picked up all my orals at Giant Eagle today. Wednesday is day 1! Scott and I decided to make a video blog. We want to try and make the "best" of this time in our lives and we both can find humor in all these shenanigans!!

Head vs. Heart

Well, the hysteroscopy and polypectomy are complete. I didn't have my follow up yet with Dr. Moretuzzo but from what I was told after the procedure one polyp was removed (not that big) and everything went good. They sent it to pathology and I go for follow up this Friday July 11th to see results, if I am healed, and talk about the next steps. I was proud of myself for not really crying the day of the surgery. I was super nervous that whole week. A zillion and one things ran through my head and the thought of getting anesthesia and then being "exposed" without my knowledge really freaks me out. I kept telling Scott- I'd rather be cut so my legs can stay shut. It's one thing when you fully awake and getting poked, prodded and scanned up (down) there but having someone put me to sleep then invading my privacy just makes me anxious and upset. I also thought the worst- there's going to be a big, huge growth(s) or Dr. is going to accidently cut my uterus or I will have some freak reaction to anesthesia and I won't wake up. Yea all those happy thoughts.... But I was wrong and all went as smooth as I think it could of went.
The recovery definitely took me longer than expected. I thought I was going to feel 80% normal the next day and I certainly didn't. It took a good week to feel 100% normal again. But this step is over and I am happy. Polyp free is the way to be! A nurse at the Surgery Center put it the best. You have to clear your garden before you plant those babies in there.
I am continuing with the active pills of birth control. I had a brief meeting with Moretuzzo the morning of the surgery and he said once I am healed I will stop the pill and four days later we can start the FSH/egg growing. I assumed I had to wait for my period to come. I have to ask Dr. more questions about why I don't have to wait for my period because I am confused about that (I'm thinking we will start the antagonist/ovulation blocker early in the egg growing process- which prevents ovulation) In an IUI situation you don't start antagonist until the eggs are a certain size. So so so so technical but I NEED to know the who, what, when, where and why of all of this.
Anywho, when I go in on Friday and if I am cleared for "take off" I am going to ask Dr. if we can try to schedule the extraction and transfer around Scott's vacation which is the week of August 18th. I feel kind of "designer/guilty/selfish" for planning all this but hell you pay 15K to get pregnant you should get some kind of options/perks.
My heart is ready to create life- now matter how it happens. My heart aches to hold our newborn, to see how he/she will look like Carter, to make Carter a brother, to love someone on a level that isn't explainable, to look at a brand new person made from the love and dedication of my best friend and I. To see our 9 year fight be worth it once again. To look a baby and think he or she is nothing less than a miracle. To feel on cloud nine, to feel like I'm dreaming when I sit in my rocking chair with my baby on my chest. My baby. The baby I made and grew and fought for with all of my strength.
My head on the other hand is a big negative Nelly. I think last year's failed IUI attempts has a lot to do with why my head is so negative. Plus the whole process of injecting yourself, visiting the Dr. several times a week, getting put under anesthesia again, calling off work, getting sitters for Carter, did I mention the physical toll on my body or the most stressful thing- waiting, worrying and wondering if it worked. Oh and the $15,000 dollars we spending for a 50% chance of success. OK. I'm done. I swear. I feel lucky and Blessed I have the opportunity to try this. I may suffer financially (and emotionally) for a while but I know deep down. I NEED to do this. This is part of my healing, how I will get closer to closing this chapter of my life, my "no regrets" future when I am too "old" to carry babies.
Lastly, I am truly thankful I found Greenford Christian Church. I couldn't imagine embarking on this journey without this Church, everything I have learn about myself, about God and my relationship with God. I know no matter how low I get I have a church family I can turn to help and pray for me. And that in itself feels so comforting and just plain awesome!