I just can't believe it.

As the days get near to the birth of our first child I'm just still in shock we got pregnant and he is almost with us. It's so surreal. I wonder if every new mom feels this way... I think back to the endless tries and attempts to create this miracle. Maybe we were interfering with our "plan" from God, maybe we were suppose to go to the lengths we did. I will never know and that is just fine with me. I don't regret a single test. procedure, dollar spent, or tear shed. It was all worth it and I will soon hold our miracle baby in my arms and never let him forget how special, wanted and loved he is.
I have so may emotions running through me right now. I just want a safe delivery and I want Scott to stay calm. The way he worries about us is so sweet. He asks me at least 15 times a day if I'm OK as a grunt and moan when I try to get up from the couch or feel a little cramp or pain. He's going to such a great dad! I already know how wonderful of a husband he is!!
3 weeks to go tomorrow! Tomorrow I am considered full term (37 weeks) and it also election day! I have been going to the Dr. on a weekly basis for a few weeks now. Last week I was contracting 2-5 mins. apart but wasn't feeling anything. Still not dilated. We will see what happens today. I am having some cramping today but nothing out of the ordinary for me. Childbirth classes also start this evening. I am anxious for Scott to get to know Tammy (midwife) like I do. Well that's all for now! One day at a time!!!! (Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath...)

Pictures of nursery, and my baby bump at almost 35 weeks

I've been bad with not posting. Almost 35 weeks! Holy Moly!

The baby shower was amazing! It was perfect and beautiful. We received so so so many wonderful gifts and books. We have a big library of books for baby Carter and all the gear he needs for a while! I had a nice speech all prepared to thank everyone and I knew i was going to get choked up when I was giving it but I couldn't even get the first sentence out! I was so emotional because all of this is such a blessing and miracle for us. I was embarrassed but I know my family and friends understand how I feel and what this baby means to us. The world. No words or speech and ever capture what gratitude I feel inside.
After the shower I felt really anxious to get alot done. I think the reality starting to sink in a bit... We got the nursery almost done and everything washed and put away in about a week or two. I got a sonogram on Oct. 6th and all looked good. He was weighing 4 lbs 6oz I believe (a little on the big side)
One week after sonogram I called Tammy because something strange happened and the nurse at her office ensured me it was normal. Well I've been having menstrual-type cramps for weeks now and it seemed like they were especially bad over the weekend. I remember being in a store and not thinking I could walk out I was feeling alot of cramps and pressure so I decided to time them. I was getting them every 30 mins and they would last about 15 mins long. I decided to go into Tammy's office on Mon. Oct 13th to get checked (basically for Scott because he was more worried than me) They hooked me up to the monitors to check baby's heart rate and my contractions. After 30 mins. Tammy comes in to check the monitor and sends me into shock by informing me that I was indeed having contractions and they were 14 mins apart and she was going to check me herself, give me a sonogram and send me to the hospital. She had one of her staff members call Scott to tell him to come pick me up but not to speed to get to the office. (I knew he as going to freak out at this phone call and be there as fast as possible and he was- white as a ghost!)
The 3 possible events that could of taken place. 1. I was in labor and they would have to induce me/c-section
2. I was not in labor and they would give me meds to stop contractions and hopefully that would work
3. I can't remember #3???
All I kept think was I can't have this baby today!! I'm not ready. It's too early. I'm not ready! I don't even have my hospital bag pack yet, I still have things to buy, the house isn't clean enough, I didn't wash my hair today, the baby is too small, what if his lungs aren't ready, what if I can't breast feed like I hope too, I don't to leave him at the NICU... this list was going on and on and on in my head. When we got to St. E's my contractions were 1-3 mins apart. I got injections to quite down my contractions and an IV to keep me hydrated. I got checked by the OB on duty that day who said I was not dilating. A few hours later the test that Tammy performed on me came back negative which meant I was not in labor. (Whew) The high risk Dr. explain that my cervix was shorter (thinner) than normal and he wanted to repeat the sonogram tomorrow. As far as I understand it the contractions were thinning my cervix out which can start labor which is something we need to prevent for as long as possible... The baby has a great chance of surviving and being just fine at this point but the longer he stays in my womb the better. So we stayed overnight at the hospital and finally got the repeat sonogram the next afternoon and contractions were quieting down and my cervix did not thin out any further. So right now I am on meds to stop or quiet contractions until I am 36 weeks (which is Oct. 28) I am seeing Tammy once a week and the OB/GYN she works with once a week as well.
I'm really trying to take it as easy as possible. I cut back work days/hours and trying not to do much of anything. I really think I was overdoing it with lifting/cleaning/walking. I am noticing that little things are getting harder and harder to do. The exhaustion has set in. I'm just so nervous at every tweak of pain or pressure and beginning to feel REALLY nervous about labor and delivery. I'm just going to trust my body and Carter will know what to do when the time comes.

30 weeks pregnant or 69 more days until my due date!

Whoa. Time flys. I just told Scott the other week. Besides the bowel obstruction in week 12 (which was the worst experience of my life- hands down) this pregnancy has been quite easy so far! Sometimes I wake up and forget I'm pregnant for a split second! I mean I've had some common complaints- don't get me wrong (bloody nose, sore back, spider veins, shortness of breath, exhaustion, etc...) but nothing I can REALLY complain about. I haven't felt that moody either. I know my patients level has dropped but other than that I feel like myself with a baby kicking inside my tummy!! And the greatest feeling is not remembering the last time you cried because you were upset- Because I don't and it's weird but a wonderful change!! I sure hope these last couple months and labor/delivery go just as smooth as its been going. The 4D sonogram was amazing as you can see from the pictures below. The tech told me try not to use my stomach muscles while she was giving me the sonogram because it will distort the picture- well as soon as I saw him I wanted to joyfully cry like a baby but I held it in and just watched in amazement. It was the fastest 25 mins of my life!! I could of layed there and looked at him all day. It was so nice to have my family there to share this moment too. They have been such a huge support for Scott and I the past 3 years and I wish there was someway to repay them.
We are 95% sure his name will be Carter Scott. (even though I keep thinking about the name Brady) We've been trying to refer to him as Carter instead of "the baby".
Our shower is a week from this Sunday and I am so so so very excited and honored. I think once we get all our gear it will seem closer than ever and I will feel more prepared. I have 4 different to-do lists going all preparing for Carter's arrival so once I tackle those list I will feel really ready. I think Scott and I are still in shock that we are pregnant! I don't think its going to hit us until he's here. We are so blessed and happy. We simple cannot wait to be parents!!
Dr. Hecht (our infertility Dr.) had a reunion or "celebrating success" picnic this past weekend for all the successful pregnancies. It was great to see the office staff and just to be around other families who went through the struggles you did. It was such a positive and great atmosphere. I love that Dr.! (But hope I never have another appointment at his office :)
My next appointment with Tammy is on Monday. At my last appointment she wanted me to start iron supplements because my iron is borderline low but doesn't want it to get any lower. My sugar test was good and I am measuring 1 week bigger than what I am. I'm not sure when the last sonogram is but I am going to ask her on Monday. I think I gained 2 more pounds so a total of 14/15 lbs so far. I'm just really curious about how much he weighs and what he is measuring.

Meet Carter Scott

26 week pictures

Here are 2 belly pictures and one picture of Scott and I when we celebrated his 30th birthday. I made a shirt that said "I Love My Dad" on the belly- Scott loved it!

Almost to my 3rd trimester! Yikes!

I can't even believe it! I am about a week and a half away from my last trimester!! Where did the time go? I went to Tammy office for my monthly check up yesterday. I took my glucola- gestational diabetes test but won't know results until Monday. I am measuring 27 weeks, gained 4 more pounds (so a total of 12lbs so far) and all is good. She found his heartbeat right away, then he moved and she tried to find it again- she found it and he kicked and moved again so I really don't think he likes the doppler! Hahaha- sneaky lil bugger. I go every two weeks now which is a little scary because I know my time is coming!! I told Tammy I am getting nervous about the birth. She calmed my nerves alot and said some things that actually made me excited about giving birth! She also reassured me that she will be with me the whole time and its her job to worry not mine. I left the office feeling really good and so excited! She wants me to start monitoring fetal movements in a few weeks so that's kinda nerve wracking. I just don't want to over monitor it (which I know I will...) Last night Scott and I felt an actual body part (not sure what it was) but it was so hard on this one part of my belly- then after a minute he moved and it got soft. So neat! I'm so glad Scott was able to feel it. What a miracle.
The shower invitations are going out next week! and our 3D/4D sonogram is right around the corner! So many wonderful things are coming up!! I just pray for a healthy 3rd trimester. I worry about not making it to full term but everything has been so good up to this point. I can't worry about this because whatever is supposed to happen is going to happen. Like the saying goes "Relax, do your best and trust God will do the rest"

Infertility's Common Thread

I never will forget what heartache it was to get to this point in my life. A project was started to create a community among couples who experienced infertility in one form or another and also to raise awareness as well as use it as a symbol to other woman who wear the bracelet or know the meaning that they are not alone. Here is a little more history on it

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html.

I am going to go make my own bracelet today. If I can help one woman struggling with infertility to have hope- either silently or with words. I want to do it.

Just about 23 weeks and all is good!

I'm not sure when I am 23 weeks. Originally it was on Tuesdays I switched my weeks, then after hospital stay I was measuring a few days smaller so I switched my days to Fridays... Then at Dr. yesterday she said I was measuring 25 weeks?? So I have no clue? I'm sure all of this will even out eventually. According to my date of conception I switch weeks on Tuesdays so I'm sticking with that! I gained 5 lbs in 4 weeks! Woo Hoo. I knew I gained at least that. I am starting to notice weight gain in other places of my body (face and legs) Not complaining though!! (not right now at least) I had a wonderful birthday celebration this year. My family and friends were by my side which means alot. Went to Cleveland Indians game Sunday and my sister and Scott arranged to have a birthday wish on the big screen score board for me! It was so neat! I was surprised. Then Monday a few friends took me to lunch and got me a huge dessert and sang. It was very sweet. Then my family and I went to SAWA Japanese steak house for dinner and sat around hibachi grill. YUMMY and entertaining!
I'm starting to get really excited and a bit nervous. Not about labor and delivery yet but just knowing what to do and keeping him safe. I know I will be a great mother but I am a worrier and a "safety freak" I don't want to be anxiety stricken 24/7. I'm sure I will be at first and it will get better with time. We just can't wait!!!
That's it for now. Next appointment is August 21st.

The painted nursery!

Scott did a wonderful job painting nursery!! We love it! Can't wait to fill it will furniture, clothes, toys, and a baby!!!!!!

Smooth Sailing. Almost 22 weeks

I haven't wrote in a while but everything going smooth so far. We started the task of registering- YIKES! I didn't realize how much we needed and how many things I never thought about. It is fun though. I am comparing all brands and reading reviews and thinking everything over a zillion times before I register for something. The most exciting news is Scott started painting nursery!!! We are going with a sports theme- never thought I would pick this but this set is different. Its not all blue and it has a "old stitch- like" feel to it. Here's a picture. We are putting the border in the lower/middle of wall and we painted the bottom navy and the top tan. It matched the colors in the border- perfectly! The walls are just about done but the border isn't up yet. It's so wonderful to see that room come alive!! I never thought the day would come. I remember painting that room 5 years ago just in awe that someday it would be a nursery and finally my dream is coming true!! I can't wait until it is done. I will post pictures of it soon. I think we are going to name our little one Carter. Scott and I always come back to this name. It is different and I just can imagine him being called Carter. We aren't 100% sure (about 90%). We are still deciding middle name though. I go back to Tammy's on Tuesday for my regular 4 week appointment. Anxious to see how much weight I've gained since my last appointment. I think at least 5 lbs!! Well, that's it for now. I will post picture's of nursery soon!

My instincts were right! A BOY!!!!!!

Everything looked good and I am measuring where I am supposed to be. We saw the stomach, the kidneys, the 4 heart chambers, the brain lobes, and the sonogram tech said all looks well!!! She has no doubts its a boy! That is the first thing we found- the testicles! Haha. We are so thrilled. We are on cloud 9!! I can't wait to shop and put together nursery!!! Here are some pictures of my little man! (We need to get name down too!!)

I'm going to throw up!

I am nervous and excited. Scott picks me up from work in 30mins for our ultrasound. The sex of baby is secondary for me at this point. I just want him or her to be healthy and progressing normally. I've been drinking OJ (sugar) all morning to keep baby up and legs uncrossed. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Its been over 2 months since I seen baby on ultrasound. I cannot wait!

The mystery is solved this Monday!!!

I had my 4 week appointment with Tammy yesterday. I am progressing normally. I have only gained a total of 3 lbs so far and I asked if that was OK and she said yes. This is because I lost weight in hospital and had to gain that back and I was able to gain an additional 3 lbs so I'm sure I'm on my way to gaining some weight. I believe the average gain so far should be 10 lbs. I declined the triple screen/quad test. Scott and I decided that the results wouldn't change anything so why stress ourselves out- especially with such a high false positive rate. We are all signed up for "birthing classes" for November and I was given all this literature on breast feeding. I think I will save reading that for later because when I was glancing through it yesterday I got pretty freaked out. It looks painful plus I was reading all these tips on sore nipple and engorgement management. YIKES! I have no desire at this moment to think about labor, deliver, or sore nipples!! I will do that later.
Tammy found the heartbeat within a minute of putting on my belly and it was in the 140's and sounded good and strong. She said I was getting a "pouch" Nice! I like it.
She asked when I wanted the ultrasound. This coming Monday, next Monday or in 4 weeks when I see her again (HA!) I said this Monday please!!! I am dying to see baby and confirm my motherly instincts that its a boy. I think Scott is able to switch his work schedule around so he can be there too!! I can't explain how excited and anxious I am. I am so glad this is a busy holiday weekend. That means Monday will be here before I know it.
I already started my nesting phase. I have a spring cleaning schedule and already started moving furniture around so we can get baby's room ready.
OH and I definitely think I started to feel baby move. I felt a little bit on Monday then yesterday at least 3 or 4 times and once today so far. It feels like bubbles in my stomach. I can see why some woman think its gas. It is the coolest feeling. I want to feel it all the time and I keep anticipating it. Hopefully tonight I will get some more flutters!! I am really starting to feel pregnant and all of this is hitting me for the good! I am so happy and I simply cannot wait to hold this baby in my arms!
Now the task of picking out a name...

Heartbeat at home

Yesterday I got a call from my midwife's office- they had to cancel my appointment for this coming Monday. I was really looking forward to hearing the heartbeat before going on vacation next week so I called my cousin who works at the hospital. She was able to bring home a doppler for us to hear heartbeat! I was ecstatic all day and couldn't wait until she got home. Scott and I went over her house and she kindly tried to find the heartbeat for about 30 mins (Scott and I gave it a try too!) and all we could pick up was my pulse. I was trying not to let it freak me out and she said we could take it home for the night and try it again later. So when we got home I layed on the couch and Scott found it within 5 mins! We timed it and it was beating in the 140's. It was so amazing. I taped it on my digital camera and think I've watched and listened to this video a dozen times already!!!!! I simply CANNOT wait to get my 20 week sonogram and see him! (and confirm its a him). I am so glad Scott and I got to experience this together at our home and most of all get it on tape!

It's been a while. Almost 17 weeks!

It's been a few weeks since I wrote in this blog. Not too much has gone on. I am almost 17 weeks and my belly is starting to pop a little. I overcame my fear last week and tried on some maternity pants/shorts. Wow they are comfortable! I want to wear them everyday! I can still fit in most of my regular pants still but I do feel more pregnant when I wear the maternity clothes I have and that makes me feel better. I have been feeling pregnant the past few days- until i stepped on the scale the other day. I lost weight! How is this possible? I am getting a belly but I am having a hard time gaining weight right now. I know this will probably change in the months to come but I worry about the baby gaining enough weight. I try to eat as much as I can. I do think my stomach shrunk quite a but from the bowel obstruction a month ago but as far as that department is concerned I am feeling normal- and not taking any meds to make me go which is good. No flutters yet (I don't think...) Hopefully soon. When I am laying in bed I just pray and talk to the baby and ask him to let me know he is OK in there and just let me feel him. Yes I really think it is a BOY so I will refer to baby as him because I feel that confident! We schedule the "big" sonogram next Monday- June 23rd- when i go in for my regular check up. I am really excited because Scott is coming with me next Monday so he can meet the midwife and hear the heartbeat with me! We are leaving for a family vacation the following Tuesday- the 24th. We are going to Deep Creek Lake, MD. A bunch of family members rented a huge 7 bedroom house on the lake. Here it ishttp://rentals.deepcreek.com/book/house.html?PMSUnitID=DRIFTAW
I am really excited and in need of this time off from Real Estate!
I had the most life like dream last night about the baby. I was holding him and kissing him and I just could feel how much I loved him. It was so strange because I vividly remember how i was holding him and how much we weighed and I just kept kissing his face. I was trying to figure out how to lock the stroller wheels so I could transfer him form one stroller to another (not sure why?) We was in this red and white stripped outfit and I remember how happy I was. It was great! I hope to have more happy dreams like that! Hopefully Scott can be there next time! Not sure where he was in my dream?
I'm going to post a belly picture soon. Maybe tonight. I figured its time. I'm over 4 months and my little bump is finally here!

OK here's some pics. I am Almost 17 weeks. Can you see the bump???

14 weeks and feeling a little blue

I'm not sure what it is. I may be still traumatized from hospital stay or maybe it's because I lost weight and not really showing at all, plus I can't feel the baby yet and overall I am just a worrier. Plus because of all the bowel issues I'm not taking any pre natal vitamins right now which is OK especially because I am past 12 weeks but I feel guilty for that too. To top it all off I was given the option of all the prenatal screening tests at my next visit where they will screen for spinal issues, Downs and other things that could go wrong. Scott and I first instinct is to get the screening which doesn't necessarily mean there is something wrong if the results come back abnormal. I would NEVER even consider terminating if something is wrong but we still want the blood work done. I will get this screening done at my next appointment which is the 23rd of June. I'm just feeling so upset. Like something is going to go wrong. I definitely think it's because of what happened last week. I did get to hear the heartbeat on Tuesday. I am so worried I asked if it sounded normal because it sounded slow to me?? I really think I will feel better when I start to feel the baby moving around. I should be able to feel what everyone calls the "flutters" in 2 weeks or so. I am SO excited. I hope I know what it is when I feel it. The baby is the size of a fist this week!
I just need to quit worrying about everything that could go wrong and think about how exciting its going to be to meet our miracle baby. I told Scott the other night I'm having a hard time believing that we are going to have a healthy baby in 6 months. I just don't see it happening yet. I know this upsets him but I can't help the way I feel. I just want to provide the very best environment for the baby and I want the baby to be as healthy as possible and If I'm always sick how is baby going to grow and be healthy??
My body is finally back to normal I think and I definitely cut back on bad foods. I've cut myself off from cheese completely (hard for me) and I'm trying not to eat alot of carbs. Lots of fruits, veggies, juice and raisin bran. So far so good. I am weening myself off prescription laxative Dr. put me on last week in hospital. I worry about relying on it and I know its not good to take laxative while pregnant (something else that's bothering me) Everyone is offering me tips on what I should take (stool softeners, herbal/natural medications) but I really don;t want to take anything unless its necessary. I want to eat the right foods and see if my body can work properly without taking any medications. (I had enough drugs in hospital to last me the rest of my pregnancy!)
I am going to try and celebrate my miracle more! I just waited so long for this wonderful time in my life and I don;t want anything to happen because I already love this baby more than anything in the world and I will do anything to protect him/her. (I think its a boy!)

A nightmare of a week

I got released from St. Elizabeth's hospital just yesterday. I had a partial bowel obstruction and I have to say it was hands down the worst experience of my life. When I was four years old I had a full blown bowel obstruction where my small intestine telescoped into my large and I had to get surgery immediately and wear colostomy bag for months while my intestine healed. Now I'm sure that was the worse thing I have ever been through but I am so grateful not to have many memories of this time.

Here's what happened this past week. Sat May 17th. My stomach started to hurt and I was nauseous towards end of night and I knew I needed to go bathroom so I ate a little bit of salad for dinner. I was up all night in pain and dry heaving and gagging. I tried stool softeners and a liquid laxative that the pharmacist said was safe- nothing worked. I really thought it would pass but it didn't so we went to St. E's ER. My bowel sounds were never checked, I never got a rectal exam. I was given IV for dehydration and probably something for nausea (can't remember?) I did end up vomiting at the hospital and remember feeling a little better for a while. To make sure baby was OK I was given the pleasure of having my very first catheter put in so they could fill my bladder with fluid for an ultrasound. Baby was OK. I then gave myself a enema and it produced nothing out of my system. I think when we left there 8 hours later I was given the diagnosis or impacted bowel or constipation? So we went home and Monday rolls around and I'm still in extreme pain after more stool softeners, apple juice, and gas x. We decided to go to another branch of St. E's closer to home. As soon as I we got there I started vomiting again and when the Dr. came in to check me (she did check bowel sounds) she said I have upper bowel obstruction. I almost died inside. We were asked what surgeon we wanted called. Then was told I will be having a tube down my nose to stomach to relieve pressure and force bowels to relax. I really didn't know how bad it was going to be. I was hoping i was going to be under. I wasn't. The nurse tried in each nostril and each time my instinct was to yank it out because I couldn't breath and was choking and gagging. There was blood all over and I told her there no way I can do it and I am going to refuse the tube. Scott, my mom and in-laws were all there trying to get me to agree to let them try again. they kept pushing and pushing and finally I got so pissed off I told them fine and just leave me alone. So it took 2 nurse and 1 Dr. to get that God forsaken tube in my nose down my throat and into my stomach. It was the absolute worse feeling and experience of my 26 years of existence. I can't explain how this feels. I never, ever thought I would have it in for almost 3 days.

I was admitted to St. E's late Monday night and almost ripped that tube out several times. I wasn't doing it because I didn't want to get better I was doing it because when it made me gag I was not able to breath - and it is just instict. They loaded me up with Phenegren. I drug that curbs nausea. I had an allergic reaction that made me have convulsions every few seconds. I remember thinking what I was doing was not right. I was trying to tell Scott something was wrong but I was in a weird state of mind. I think I was loaded up on Benadryl too- not sure but I couldn't control my arms and upper body. I didn't know what was going on. At one point I heard the nurses talking to Scott saying that it was happening because i was trying to fight off going to sleep. I knew that wasn't the case but it was hard for me to talk. I thought I was going to have a seizure. Scott later told me he demanded they call the OB/GYN my midwife works with and ask if it is a side effect of the drug- he said no. Scott then demanded they call someone else. They called the pharmacist and he or she said it was a side effect. Finally around 5 0r 6am I think it wore off. Everything is still such a blur.
Tuesday rolls around and a few residents come in around 5:30am I think. I was taken to get a sonogram of gallbladder. Everything OK. That day I couldn't even get out of bed to go to bathroom. I had a bedpan and nurses wiping me. Ugh- just horrible... I remember the OB coming in and the surgeon telling me I wasn't getting tube out that day and just being so frustrated. It hurt to talk, swallow, walk, sleep- with a tube going down your nose in your throat into your stomach. And to physically see all the "crap" coming out of your stomach- being sucked out- I still have flashbacks. And I can still feel that damn tube in my throat. I can't do that again. I just can't.
Wednesday comes along and I finally got clearance to yank the tube. Music to my ears. At this point I was starting to get hungry which was a good sign. As soon as the nurse made sure my stomach was empty- she pulled out what seemed like 5 feet of tube from my nose and I can't even explain what that felt like- the relief was astounding. I immediately felt better. I felt free. I couldn't wait to swallow, talk, sleep, and move around without gagging! I was ordered to walk continuously all day to get bowels moving. I was also allowed to drink liquids and chew on gum. I think I was given a suppository or two which worked a little but I still knew my system wasn't right. Later that night I was given a drug all Regulin to help my stomach or nausea? That drug made me feel like I was going to jump out of my skin. i couldn't sit still- I kept moving around and fidgeting. I was scared. i didn't want another allergic reaction. I nurse gave me more Benadryl which made me feel so dizzy and "out of my body" but it did calm me down. Later I found out my cousin had the same exact reaction to that medication.
After my tube came out Dr. Gady the surgeon came in and said if I vomit I'm going to OR tomorrow for surgery. Great...
No vomit and Thursday rolls around. I was allowed to eat- after 4 full days of no food. I was hungry but scared to eat. I think I had another suppository and a enema. It worked a little but I still felt like something was wrong. But with no food for 4 days, a NG tube in my stomach for 3 of those days and all the trauma I was feeling emotionally I really didn't know how I was supposed to feel.
I got released Thursday afternoon and put on a prescription laxative. I am leaving out alot of details but I can't possibly write everything in this blog. All I know I was so worried about baby the whole time. With not eating and all the drugs and stress I asked every nurse to try and find heartbeat with doppler. 2 nurses tried and failed to find it. One resident who was working with the surgeon went to school with Scott and he treated us so nice. He was gracious enough to get the doppler and try and find the heartbeat himself. (It's amazing how much faster things get done/delivered when a Dr. asked for them) He found it right away! More music to my ears. That was Thursday- the day I was released.
I've never seen Scott so upset (And my parents and my in-laws). I feel horrible for putting everyone through that. I hope to not step foot in St. E's again unless I am 40+ weeks pregnant and ready to meet my long awaited miracle baby. Thank you to everyone who visited me and stayed by my side through this. I needed every one's stength that week. Scott is such a blessing. The way he cares about me and will do absolutely anything for me makes me want to marry him again and again- everyday. "Through sickness and health..." Can we get to the health part already????
Well, I am physically getting back to normal. Emotionally I am terrified I am going to have to do that again. I hope this pregnancy is smooth sailing from here. I don't feel so confident but one day at a time!
I have an appointment with midwife in 30mins. Hopefully she can calm my nerves bit. I know hearing the peach's heartbeat will help.

Dreams

I had the strangest dream the other night and it was funny because I just read about having vivid dreams when you are pregnant and sometimes they are about you giving birth to small animals- and I cracked up because my dream was about a cat giving birth to a kitten. A person was holding the cat against her chest in the bathtub. The cat was sprawled out on her back and the cat kept pushing and the woman holding the cat was pushing with her and coaching her. (While I was watching) The cat was crying out in pain- swaying its head back and forth and finally a kitten came out. It wasn't in a sac like kittens usually come out in but just a small kitten and it immediately began walking. I remember the look of relief on the cat's face when it came out. HA HA! It was so strange... Yikes! I'm sure there's more of those dreams to come!
Yesterday was Mother's Day and I have to say as someone who tried to become a Mom for years- mother's day has always been the hardest (then Christmas...) Scott spoiled me tremendously! On Saturday he cleaned my car inside and out! He bought me two hanging flower baskets that I've been wanting and then on Sunday he woke me up with breakfast in bed and got me tickets to Cirque D'Or on Thursday. I was surprised because he thought of the idea himself because its just not something I would think he would want to go to... I am excited to go. Its something different! My sister was so sweet and got my a really nice lullaby 4 CD set I've been wanting and a book by Jenny McCarthy about pregnancy "Belly Laughs" (It's nice to read a non- medical book!) It was a great day and a nice change of emotion. I told Scott yesterday how nice it was to have good news and feelings surrounding us! We were in much need for this change. Its also nice to want to be around people again. I know that sounds bad but I went through such a dark time the past few years. I've experience my lowest of lows through infertility. Especially the last few months before I got pregnant. I honestly didn't know if Scott and I could get through it anymore. I was scared of myself...
OK enough with that! I will be 12 weeks tomorrow! Woo Hoo 2nd trimester here I come! I have a follow up with Family Dr. this afternoon for the fluid in the lungs business. I'm still having some pain when I yawn, sneeze or laugh but it is getting better. O.K. that's it for now.

Pleurisy- what in the world??

I've been trying to feel "normal" again and since I stopped taking the prescription pre natals my digestive system is getting better. But the chest pains on the right side came back a few days ago. My family Dr. thinks I have pleurisy which is fluid in the lungs and put me on antibiotic (generic Z pack). After much hesitation and a phone call to midwife to ensure its OK. I started the antibiotic last night because pain was getting worse and I was scared to not take it because I don't want to risk getting really sick with something when I could of prevented it. I was just trying to stall to see if would get better on my own- but it didn't happen. I really hope it works and I'm done with health issues for a while. I can't wait until my next appointment. 2 weeks from tomorrow. I'm almost out of my first trimester! Woo Hoo!

Whoa what a week!

I am officially 10 1/2 weeks and had a hell of a week! On Tuesday I was having some abdominal cramping and shooting pains in places I did not want to have shooting pains (I couldn't sit down...) So I called midwife's office and they told me to come in. I had my sister in law drive me because I don't think I would of made it there myself. My urine tested negative but when Tammy was pressing on right side near ovary I clenched in pain. She said there was alot of fullness on the right side and it could be a cyst or possibly an additional ectopic pregnancy in my tube (due to fertility meds) I was terrified. I thought "No this can;t be happening" She immediately sent me to get a sonogram to make sure baby OK and check for any masses in ovary and tubes. I was hoping my next sonogram was going to be a pleasurable experience with Scott there to enjoy the moment. No- I was by myself in an office with people that I didn't know and scared to death in pain. I asked the nurse if she saw baby- she said yes and she showed me the screen and we saw the heartbeat. Whew! Then she was scanning my ovaries and tubes- she couldn't tell me anything but I thought everything looked OK (from what I could see). The Dr. came into the room after the sonogram and said he didn't see any masses and they everything looks normal. Whew. I was still hurting but felt better knowing baby was OK and that I wasn't going to lose a tube! I got a new pic of the baby (it looks like a baby almost!) and went home to rest.

About 8:30-9:00 I was in such excruciating pain I couldn't handle it. I was getting sharp pains all over and they were so bad I was just yelling in pain. I knew something wasn't right and with my past history of bowel obstruction I knew I had to do something. Scott drove me to ER and they gave me exams and told me I had impacted bowel. They sent me home with enema and when we got back home I honestly thought I was going to die. I collapsed on the kitchen floor as soon as I managed to get in and crawled my way to the bathroom to try and relieve the pain. It worked at first- then I tried to sleep- didn't work. I was up every hour in such pain and agony. At one point I was swaying back and forth- numb all over, dripping sweat,telling Scott "I'm going to pass out" It was the most frightening feeling I ever felt. i don't know what happened...

I start to get chest pains on the right side and it felt like a pinched nerve so as soon as 8am Wed. rolled around I call Family Dr. to get an appointment. We went there and I cut in front of about 6 people because the office staff knew I was in some major pain. Dr. said stomach pains are from gas probably due to pre natal pills and he wasn't sure about chest pains but he will draw blood to check gall bladder (haven;t got those results back yet) He told me to eat liquids so we can "get things moving" So thats what I did and today is Friday and I feel about 80% back to normal. i stopped taking the pre natals I was taking so I can get back on track. I'm just happy I can stand up straight and not need help to get up anymore.... I NEVER want to live through that again. (Especially without and drugs to make the pain go away)

OK back to good news. I am almost 11 weeks which means I am almost 12 weeks which means 2nd trimester here I come! I hope all the great things I hear about 2nd trimester are true for me too (mainly the extra energy and feeling great!)

OK here's my 10 week sonogram (not getting another one until beginning of June now)

I also made a side by side comparison...

9 weeks and the beautiful sound of the heartbeat!!!

Went to Tammy's office today (my nurse/midwife) and had all the wonderful prenatal tests done. I first had a urinalysis (all negative) and they gave me another pregnancy test- It was CLEARLY positive. The nurse checked my weight and asked me 100's of questions about medical/family history. Nurse then drew lots of vials of blood to check for everything under the sun. After that I talked with Tammy in her office about future appointments and what to expect in the upcoming months. Then I had a physical exam, including a pap. I told her since I am so use to going to Dr. so often and now that my appointments are farther apart I just need reassurance from her I am still pregnant... She told me that because of my past with infertility I will be getting a little extra special treatment like extra appointments and sonograms (Fine by me!!) She treats me like this is the one and only chance I will be pregnant but she said that is usually not the case. After my exam she said she was going to see if we can hear the heartbeat on the doppler. Tammy said since I am only 9 weeks today it may be difficult to hear but she will give it a try. Well, she was searching and searching and she was about to give up when we heard it! The baby's heartbeat was so much faster than mine and the relief I felt made me instantly choke up. I wish Scott was there to hear it but I know he will get to hear it eventually.
i have a sonogram scheduled for May 5th and my 4 week OB appointment on May 22nd. I still in shock I think! Still. It will sink in sooner or later!!! My mind is at ease but will be even more on May 5th when I can see my bean! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!

My world

I framed the sonogram and put this quote with it. What it says is just perfect....

8 weeks. Welcome to the emotional rollar coaster ride!

Last week I was a hungry hungry hippo. (One day I threw my packed lunch away and ate an entire twisted frosty from Wendy's and never knew ice cream could taste so good!!)This week... I am a hot emotional mess! It took me hours to get to work yesterday because I was lethargically tired and could not stop crying. I was crying about work, Scott's afternoon work shift, my appetite and laziness, and most of all I am still so scared I'm going to miscarry. I am having a hard time believing that we are going to have a baby in 7 months. Going through infertility for almost 3 years as well as having miscarriage makes it extremely difficult for me to think and stay positive. I just want to enjoy every second of this pregnancy and its hard when I sometimes start to feel like its all going to be taken away... I'm just anxious to see my midwife so I can talk with her and she can hopefully ease my nerves a bit. I am also use to seeing a specialist at least once a week and now that I am released from his care and my appointments are farther apart I am having a hard time reassuring myself everything is still OK. I will make it though!! With the help from Scott and my family (whom I apologize to if I'm driving you nuts!!)

On a morning sickness note- I don't think I can just get up and shower and get ready for work in the morning then worry about eating breakfast. I think I may take it slower and eat first. I'm finding that taking a shower is like running a marathon (grasping for air and all!) and I get very queasy too so time to switch it up and see if that helps.

I've learned that my uterus is the size of a grapefruit this week and the baby's eyelids and ears are growing as well as the tip of the nose and fingers and toes! The aortic and pulmonary valves of the heart are present and the tubes that lead from the throat to lungs are branching. The baby is the size of a pinto bean! Ole!

Here is a picture

Midwives are making a comeback!!

Here is an article that was in the Vindicator about 3 local certified nurse/midwives. I see Tammy Pangilinan.
http://www.vindy.com/news/2008/apr/08/changing-face-of-midwives/

7 weeks

Well I am 7 weeks today and it is finally sinking in.... I am trying so hard to relax and enjoy this pregnancy instead of worrying constantly. I am just amazed that there is a kidney bean sized life inside of me that has a beating heart and all it's organs are developing- including his or her brain. I am flabbergasted!! I feel so honored to be this baby's home for the next 8 months!

There is a nice website with real life pictures. Here is the pictures for week 7. So neat!

I also made my nieces and nephew a picture frame to surprise them with the news! I am especially excited to tell my oldest niece and Goddaughter (7 years old) she's going to be a new cousin!

Our Butterball Baby is due Nov. 26th!!!

Whew. I can breath a little. One baby! and we saw the heartbeat. I am in shock still! It is so hard to believe that this wait is over. I just want everything to be OK. I can tell the worrying never ends! We got released from Dr. Hecht's care today. It is so bitter sweet because I've been seeing him since late July 2006 and I have a strong bond with the office staff. They are so wonderful and sweet but on the other hand I am glad to not be a patient of his any more! I am returning to my nurse/midwife's care and have an appointment for April 22nd. The staff at her office are so wonderful too. They called me last Sat. night to tell me Congratulations (Dr. Hecht sent them a letter) and when i called to make my appointment they were so happy for me!!! I am blessed with great doctor's so far!! I just love the personalization at the midwife's office. If I was still seeing my old OB/GYN they would have no idea who I was when I called... so I think the switch to a nurse/midwife was the right choice for me. Anyway- I got my first picture of Baby Johnson! 7 weeks tomorrow and my due date is November 26, 2008. One day before Thanksgiving, 2 days before Grandpa G's birthday and 9 days before Uncle Mikey's birthday! We are so so so so happy and thrilled. I cannot wait to be a mother! and I've never seen Scott so ecstatic! He is glowing!! Here's to a happy, healthy pregnancy! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Say cheese!! Baby Johnson's 1st pic!

6 weeks preggers

Well I'm 6 weeks pregnant today and I'm still so nervous. Less than one week until the sonogram. I can't even explain how anxious I am!!! I am so exhausted. It feels like I'm pulling an all nighter everyday even though I'm getting 8+ hours of sleep a night! I also usually feel pretty yucky after I eat breakfast and when I'm at work until about 11am. No running to the toilet as of yet but I was close today... Wait, wait, wait. Ugh that's all I ever do!

Glad to be wrong again

I really thought I was going to get bad news today. I felt like I had this "feeling" that this pregnancy is not going too well. I am so glad to be wrong!! My hcg number went from a 225 to 4,914 in one week! That's a great, normal, wonderful increase!!! Now just one more week to wait until our first sonogram (April 7th). Scott switched days at work so he could be there. I absolutely cannot wait to see our little bean!!!!! I can't even comprehend seeing our baby inside of me! I am still in shock. I really am. I CAN'T believe everything is going so well so far. I am so grateful- I can't even explain it. This really could be it! Our wait may be over! My dreams, hopes, and prayers are coming true. What a blessing. A huge, huge blessing. I am so freakin' excited for the months to come. I think I will be the happiest pregnant woman ever!!!

I'm nervous again

I hope I can make it until the 7th of April. I am so so so nervous. I was feeling pretty good, confident and positive and now I'm getting more and more nervous for Friday. I just hope everything is still ok. I have been pretty tired and just feeling yucky (a bit nauseous) almost everyday this week. And other parts of me are a little sore that I know are supposed to be sore so all good signs I guess. I just have this HUGE fear in the back of my head. Friday is almost here- just one more full day of work. I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I just want to fully enjoy and relax and I know that's not going to happen until after we see the heartbeat. Scott is still positive as ever- and we definitely told more people than I anticipated. But the more prayers the better! I'm just so busy at work and I just don't want to do anything- partly because I am tired and partly because I don't want to concentrate on anything else right now. I will make it. Right??

I made it and good news- I'm normal so far

YEAH! Could this really be it?? My hcg count was 225! Woo Hoo. That's a normal rise and better than the last pregnancy. I know you shouldn't read too much into this number but my 1st pregnancy when I knew I was going to miscarry my hcg # was 284 and i was 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Today I am 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant and my number is 225. It's a little over 8x's what it was on 96 hours ago! My nurse told me that I'm allowed to be a little optimistic but not excited until we hear the heartbeat. Because of my history they want to do a 3rd count next Friday then if all goes well my 1st sonogram will be April 7th!!!!!! AHHHHHHH. I can't wait. I hope all goes well. I can't even tell you how much I have thanked God and just prayed and prayed and prayed. There's no doubt in my mind that the timing of everything that has happened is the work of God and my guardian angels.
2 years and 7 months! Wow I can't wait to erase you from my mind!

It's going to be a looooong week.

The nurse called. I am definitely pregnant!! Woo Hoo! My hcg # was a 27. All that number means at this point is that I am pregnant. When I go back on Friday (4 days from now!) they will take another hcg count. Early in your pregnancy hcg levels should double "about" every 48 hours or so. I have nightmare flashbacks of last year. Think positive! Think positive! Think positive. How am I going to make it until Friday!

Holy Shit! It says Pregnant!

Wow. What a few weeks its been. A few days after the IUI I thought it didn't work. I was convinced I wasn't pregnant because I felt OK and I didn't have that feeling I had when I was pregnant last year- where I just knew I either had to be very sick or pregnant. I felt fine and it was pissing me off. So I decided to prepare myself for the disappointment and bought 2 first response pregnancy tests and took the first on on Friday March 14th. 10 days after insemination. It was negative- just as I thought. I began to get upset that day but not upset as I usually get. I was still holding on to the little hope that maybe I tested too early. I took the 2nd one on Sunday morning the 16th. I immediately saw one pink line and went back to bed. I told Scott it was negative and we both started to get upset. I didn't even know what to say to him? He got up to get tissue from the bathroom and then asked me "Was that 2nd faint line there when you looked at it?" I sprang out of bed and sure enough there was the faintest 2nd pink line I've EVER seen. We studied the line for at least 40mins. We decide that we will buy another test just to see what it says. So off the the store. I decide to buy digital pregnancy test this time so we don't have to deal with lines or plus or minus. It just tells you in words- Pregnant or Not Pregnant. I took it and Scott told me to walk away from it so I did. I told him to go look at it a few minutes later- he told me to go look at it- so I did. I almost fainted. It said Pregnant! WHAT? I kinda didn't believe it. I was in shocked. I sat there and just tried to absorb what was going on. Could I really be pregnant? Could this be it? Is the wait over? Oh my Gosh- what if I miscarry again? What if there's more than 2? There was a gazillion questions running through my head. I couldn't wait to go to the Dr. to get this confirmed. i just wanted to make it to the heartbeat. I just want to hear a heartbeat. Please God, let this be it.
Here's a picture of the home pregnancy test 3/16/08. It's blurry (I need a new camera)

Scott is absolutely ecstatic. I can't even explain his reaction. It was the sweetest moment of our 10 years together. He kept hugging me and kissing and talking to my stomach already. Just staring into my eyes and saying how happy he was. He was filled with so much emotion. He cried tears of joy throughout the night. He was just glowing! He kept reassuring me that everything is going to be alright that nothing is going to happen. The wait is over. I wish I felt as confident as he does but I have my first pregnancy experience in the back of my head. I just want to make it. I will get more and more excited as the day and Dr. appointments pass. One day at a time. I am now waiting for my blood results to come back and I will be going back to get more blood work on Wednesday to see if my HCG numbers are rising properly. I really hope and pray this is the end and also the beginning.

Now the waiting

Well,

Friday Feb. 29th my dose stayed at 150IU's. I went back to RE Saturday and he told me to take the Antagon shot as soon as I left the office to prevent me from ovulating and then take 75IU of Gonal in the evening at my normal time. On Sunday we took the Antagon in the morning when we woke up then we triggered with the HCG shot at 11pm at night. The IUI was yesterday morning- Tuesday March 4th. We had a good count 38million after wash. I was more relaxed during the actually IUI too so hopefully that helps. I had my normal cramping afterwards and almost all day and night. I took the day off work so I could relax- I don't think I moved from the couch all day!! I start progesterone on Thursday and then WAIT. Not fun. But as the new phrase goes- "It is what it is..."
Let's hope the waiting goes fast. Sounds silly but I hope I start to not feel well- that would make me happy and excited! (pathetic isn't it?)

Slow starter, Good finisher

That's how Dr. H describes my ovaries. Slow to start but they finished good. I went to the Dr. Friday the 22nd, Monday the 25th, today the 27th and I will be going Friday the 29th. My eggs are growing just not that fast. That's OK with me as long as they eventually do what their suppose to do! On Monday the dose was increased to 187IU Friday and stayed there until tonight- tonight's and Thursday's dose was decreased to 150IU's.
We are nearing the end- IUI will possibly be Monday. I won't know until Friday. I'm ready to be pregnant! Good thoughts! Positive thoughts! Lots of prayer!

It's Febuary- back to work!!

It's been a while since I wrote. Since I last wrote we had an 2nd opinion appointment with another Reproductiove Endocrinologist in the area- we didn't care for him and he didn't offer us any advice/suggestions we didnt already know- so back to De. Hecht this morning. I am on cycle day 3 and we are starting injection round #4 tonight. I had a good appointment today and I feel more positive than I did a few days ago. Dr. explained that he has no doubts that I will get pregnant within the next 3 cycles and I shouldn't be worried about not getting pregnant- I should be worried about multiple babies. He also said the next time I do get pregnant it will most likely be a normal pregnancy and he kept ensuring me that he is thinking positive (and I should too) and he doesn't lie to his patients. He really made me feel excited that I'm going to be pregnant soon. I am also glad that he put me on an additional shot (Ganirelix Acetate)to prevent early ovualtion like what happen last injection round. http://www.follistim.com/Consumer/GanirelixPregnyl/GanirelixAcetateInjection/AboutGanirelixAcetateInjection/index.asp
So 150IU's today through Friday and back to Dr. on Friday. My fingers, toes, eyes, arms, and legs are crossed! Scott and I decided to think of this cycle as a clean slate- like it is out first time doing the shots and not to even think about or mention the past cycles. i think it is a good idea. Usually I will bust out my notes from the last cycles and compare IU's and follicles. Im just going to concentrate on this cycle and not compare it with any other ones. (deep breath) Here we go. Bring on the hormones- I'm ready!

2008. A New Start.

Well,
Here we are a new year. WOW how time flies. It is 2008. Scott and I have been together 10 years this year. It will be our 5th wedding anniversary this year. OMG. I can't believe it and my Mikey- he is driving! (I worry about him constantly...)
I've definitely made a ton of "New Year's Resolutions" Basically a live better plan of physical, emotional, spiritual, and personal qualities I want to change about myself. I feel good at the moment. I'm getting my Real Estate business going, Scott started his new position today and all seems to be kinda smooth right now. We aren't going back to RE until Feb. so enjoying the time off of Dr. appointments. We are using a digital fertility monitor this month. It seemed to work pretty well at telling me when I was ovulating so that eased my mind a bit that our timing was good this month. I have very high hopes for the year. I can't tell you how happy we are 2007 is behind us. Here's to a great 2008!