No, no and no

So we've been waiting on answers on three things. All have to do with money and  "catching a break" so to speak. I thought for sure one of theses answers was going to be yes. I knew the other two were long shots but I still had Hope.
1. We asked the hospital to help us financially with all the medical bills we incurred over the pregnancy and birth/death. The answer: No. This was the surprising one to me. It irks me how many people take advantage of "the system". It really isn't fair but that will never stop me from being a honest human being.
2. We asked Scott's employer for infertility coverage. We were shocked when we got a response from the Human Resources contact saying that infertility coverage for the company as a whole will be brought up in the next meeting. The answer: No. No plans on offering infertility coverage to employees.
3. We applied for a Baby Quest grant. A thick application including photos, a letter, medical forms filled out by my Dr. and myself as well as a $50.00 "application fee". The answer: No. We were not chosen. Please try again.

So I'm driving to work this morning and that's when I do my really deep thinking. WHY? Why do I Hope for things? Why can't we catch a break financially?, Where is this money going to come from for the frozen embryos? Why do I even Pray?, Why is the answer NO most of the time?, Why did I even think one of these answers was going to be Yes? I feel like an idiot. Why do I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me something but then I am totally wrong? Why do I even Hope and Pray? Does the Holy Spirit even exist? Why can't God hear me? Why is husband so stressed out all the time about money? How am I supposed to help us?

I just don't know. I am so confused. I want to keep my head up but I feel like I'm hanging from threads right now.

As I was having this silent melt down in my head,  "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe came on the radio. This song reminds me of my friend's mom who recently passed away. Her name is Mary. The day Mary's family decided to take her off life support I went to the hospital to offer my love ,support and prayers . Knowing Mary's husband wanted to start the process around sunset I left the hospital around that time in the evening. As I was driving home I was so upset for my friend, for her family, for the situation. As I stared into the beautiful pink/orange sunset I couldn't help but imagine what my friend must be feeling losing her Mom, what Mary's husband felt losing his wife and what Mary felt like inside. Then the song "I am not alone" came on and I knew it was Mary talking to me through the radio letting me know she is not alone and that it will be OK. It is a moment I will never forget. Coincidentally, the same song was sung at her funeral. When it came on today I felt like it was Mary telling me I am not alone. God hears you! your boys hear you! I hear you! just keep going, just keep moving forward.

Thank you Mary- I needed that

We are not alone this Thanksiving

Grateful and Grieving

This is a blog post I stumbled across. I loved it.

Dear Sweet Liam,
Only you know how I feel inside about this day exactly 1 year ago. I worry about you everyday. Please fill my heart with Peace.
Love always,
Mom

Left behind

I feel left behind. I feel like life moved on for my everyone and it didn't move on for Scott and I. We are left behind. Our lives aren't back to "normal", we can't fully enjoy a birthday, a holiday, a celebration, anything. We are stuck. We are trapped. Everyone is moving forward and we cannot. To him and I it feels like we are going to feel this way forever but I know that is not true. I feel as though Scott and I are so sensitive right now because we have been hit with such shock and trauma. We are also depressed. We have an incredibly low tolerance for drama, bull shit, fake-ness, and insensitivity. We want everyone to put themselves in our shoes before they talk to us about their "problems". Maybe that makes us intimidating, hard to love, not fun to be around?? I don't know.
I can't bubble myself, even though I'd like to.
With the holidays season approaching it just feels like I'm going through the motions because I am stuck. I am stuck thinking about the twin boys I thought were going to celebrating their 1st Christmas but instead I just ordered a memorial ornament for them to hang on the tree...

Year 1

The first year after a personal loss is the hardest. I can't wait until my "Year 1" is over. I have until St. Patrick's Day of 2016. I know I won't feel miraculously better on March 18th but all those thoughts in my head right now of "Last year at this time I was..." Just found out I was pregnant... Just found out it was twins, Just found out Liam was abnormal, Knew Liam was going to die, Lost Liam...., Had a baby shower, Set up the nursery, Lost Nathan...
Last night was bad. It was one of those nights where I kept getting flashbacks of all the horrible events that have happened the past year. I can easily put myself right back in those moments. It is so painful. I want them to stop. I feel horrible that we lost Liam only 3 days after Carter's birthday. I think I 'm going super overboard with Carter's birthday party to distract myself. It was working up until recently. I want my twin boys back. I want them to be celebrating their big brother's birthday and the Holidays with us. My heart just aches for them.

3 babies lost. One in each of the 3 trimesters. 6 weeks, 18 weeks and 35 weeks. Each loss had its own difficulties and pain. It's hard to believe.

But, I do think God spoke to me on Sunday when I was in church. He told me to make a phone call to the social worker at the hospital and ask how I can be involved with the HEAL (Helping Each Other After Loss) program. I'm a bit nervous though. Am I strong enough? Has enough time passed? What can I do? What helped me? I need to make this phone call. But I am nervous.

I don't know what to do on the 24th. Liam's angelversary. I want to start a tradition. I'm thinking about sending up balloons with messages on/in them at their grave. I don't know.... I just want my Year 1 to be over......

A Mother's Grief, A Mother's Love

I keep learning that a Mother's grief is like no other's. Not even a Father's. It's a "beyond frustrating" place to be. The majority of people don't want to talk about or see a picture of my "dead" children and I get that. It's too raw, too emotional, too painful. But as their mother, I am still so very proud these are my boys and the memories I do have of them is ALL I have. I won't have a new picture every year to put on the wall or a new "bigger" footprint to display. The pictures, items and symbols I have are the only ways I can honor them as my children. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one left grieving. I know that's not true. I feel like I have to accept my grieving is so personal, so different and so more complicated than any one else. When you've been to hell and back its hard to relate to others. It's hard to enjoy what you once enjoyed. It's hard to live.
Yesterday the hospital held a remembrance service for all the babies gone too soon. I brought a picture of the twins to show my family. This picture had been edited by a photographer to make it look "better". It was in black and white and touched up/smoothed a bit (especially Liam). I put it in a frame with the Helen Keller quote "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." I passed it down to share with my family who graciously came to the remembrance service with us. When we left the service Scott and I were having a discussion in the car and I mentioned that I felt "stupid" for passing around the picture. I felt like it was too hard for everyone to look at but I can't help how proud I am of my boys and I wish one of my family members would of told me they thought it was beautiful.... We arrive home, some time passes, and I am in the old "baby's room" putting the picture away. Carter comes up to me and says "Mom I heard you say in the car you wish someone would of said the picture is beautiful, I think it's beautiful Mom."
That is all I needed to hear. As Carter gets older he seems to know exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. He is going to be a truly amazing man full of Faith, Love and Wisdom. I know this deep in my heart. God Bless that little man.

God's instrument

After I posted yesterday's story I thought I should post this one as well. A month or so ago I was at my parent's house letting my son ride dirt bike/ four wheeler with his cousins. It was a really hot and humid day. On my way home I thought maybe I should stop  by the cemetery to water the flowers I put at the boy's grave. I usually bring my own watering can filled with water because the water pump that is at the cemetery is really hard to get to work. You need a lot of muscle power and energy to get water to flow out so I really didn't want to stop since Scott wasn't with me to help but I pulled in anyway.
I was sweating like crazy and struggling to get the water to come out when I hear a voice say "I don't think that is working..." I look up and see an older gentleman walking towards me. He repeats himself and offers me the rest of the water he brought. We get to talking and I discover he had just lost his wife to cancer 21 days ago. The dirt on her grave site was still in a mound because it is not fully settled. This man's name was Charles. (Nathan's middle name) I could tell he loved his wife just like I love Scott. They had been together since they were 13 years old. Married 56 years. He was so distraught. He cried and just was still in such shock. He had so many questions. He didn't know what to do with himself. I tried to console him the best way I could. I told him it will get a little better each day. I reminded him Loretta was still with him everyday. She is still his wife. We talked about his children and grandchildren. We talked about the twins. I told him I go to Greenford Christian Church and there is a support group for widows and maybe it would help. I told him it didn't matter what his religion was or if he was religious at all. I told him it helps to talk to other who have gone through the same things you have. We talked for at least 20 minutes. At the end of conversation he confirmed directions to the church- he said he was familiar where it was at. He gave me a hug.
I hope I helped this gentleman I met at the cemetery- whether it was for 1 minute, 1 hour or 1 day. I continue to pray for Charles and hope he is healing and getting signs from his loved Loretta that she is OK and waiting for him.
Thank you God for making me pull in the cemetery that day! Watering the flowers is not why I went there. I went there to help console a man who just lost his wife.

Earrings

Yesterday Carter and I went to the 11 o'clock service at Greenford Christian. Sometimes I let him come to the adult service instead of the children's program. Today I wanted him to go to the children's program so he wouldn't have to just sit there and be quiet and not move all around. I dropped him off in his classroom and headed over to the main building for service. I picked my seat in my usual spot/section/side. I sat down and there was no one around me yet.  I see tons of other people chatting with each other and big families coming in and sitting down and I start to feel bad like there was a big spotlight on me. Service starts and more and more people start piling in the church. I'm estimating there are approximately 300 people that attend the 11 o'clock service on any given Sunday. So we sing 2 songs and sit down. As soon as I sit down a couple with a baby carrier come and sit in the aisle right in front of me. "Great..." I think "This baby is going to upset me" "Why did they have to sit right in front of me in the huge church" Then I look at the woman's earrings. They were doves. Each ear had a beautiful dove earring. There they were- my boys.
I look down at my bracelet and the two doves on it - it is on the same arm as my tattoo with the boy's names and two doves. I knew this was God working through this woman and her earrings. It sounds a bit ridiculous but I know this is why that woman put on those earrings this morning and sat directly in front of me. I no longer felt lonely. My boys were there with me. I stared at those earring the entire service.
Their daughter was hands down one of the cutest and happiest babies I have ever seen. I knew she was around the age Nathan would of been had he been born in March. When this baby looked in my eyes and smiled at me I almost felt like it was Nathan saying "Don't worry Mom, I am so happy in Heaven and having the best time!" Looking at this baby girl brought me joy and it was amazing to have that feeling again when looking at a baby.
I was so compelled tell this woman what she has done for me today. I was nervous though. "Is she going to think I am a crazy!?" I just HAD to tell her though. When service was over and I say "Excuse me, I have to tell you the dove earrings you are wearing have brought so much comfort to me today. I lost twin boys earlier this year and they come to me in the form of doves" I show her my bracelet and my tattoo. Her eyes immediately well with ears as do mine. I say "There's a reason you sat in front of me today- Thank you". She hugged me, said "I am so sorry" then put her hand on my face and just looked into my eyes like she could feel my pain. It is a moment I will never forget. God used this caring woman, this stranger, to remind me my boys are not dead, they are Alive!

God is Great.

Broken heart

Sometimes after we put Carter to bed he calls us back in his room and tells us he misses the babies. It's heartbreaking but I can usually calm him down and stay relatively calm myself. I offer Liam's Molly Bear (still waiting on Nathan's) to sleep with or their blankets from the hospital to help him feel better and feel close to his brothers. He says no to these things so I started offering a picture of them. He says yes to the picture and I hang it on his wall for the night. Tonight he said something that was new and absolutely broke my heart. "I wish they were in the next room sleeping and I wish I could wake up and see them in the morning". I lost it. I can't take seeing him hurt. It's way worse than my own hurt. I feel so bad for him, for what he has experienced, for what he knows, for what he's missing, for the fact he hates being an only child. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do. I can't belive this happened.

Meaningful Music

I listen to Christian Radio all the time. Especially in the car. It helps me stay focused and keep the right perspective in mind. I posted links to two songs that really mean a lot to me. The video for "Broken Together" depicts a divorced couple but I still connect it to Scott and I.
"Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together"
I remember being in the hospital the night Nathan died. We were waiting until morning so I could have the c section and one of the things I kept repeating to Scott was- We still get to be husband and wife. We still get to be husband and wife. We still get to be husband and wife.
I know we both didn't want to live that night- But we made it through that night and 140 more nights since.

"I'll Keep On" by NF

and

"Broken Together" by Casting Crowns

Awkward vs. Avoidance

When I see someone I know in public and they avoid the fact I recently lost Nathan- I get so upset. All I'm asking for is a "How are you?" Not the "how are you" like you do in passing or to strangers but "I know you must be in a lot of pain still how are you." It feels so personal  like they are dismissing my boys- like they are pretending nothing ever happened. I know this is not the case- they just feel bad, don't know what to say, feel awkward, etc., etc.  The awkwardness they might feel bringing my boys up would be far less "painful" than the hurt I feel when the subject of my twin boys is avoided. Ask me what happened with Nathan or Liam, ask me how Carter and Scott are, ask me anything- just don't avoid this huge, traumatic life event I just experienced. Would you do the same thing if I got diagnosed with cancer or lost my husband??
What really bugs me is hearing people say they heard the news from "so and so" then I see "so and so" and they totally avoid/pretend nothing happened. HELLO!!! You can spread my news to your whole office but can't say at the very least "How are you?" I'm not asking for a constant pity party. I'm asking for compassion for another human being. If I don't want to talk about it I will tell you. I feel so "scary" to people. There I go again with the labels...
I'm on a mission to find my mission. I need to help others, that's how I heal. I just need to figure out how. I know it will come to me. I might not be ready yet. My heart is still extremely heavy with sadness. No one does their best work when they are depressed.
I finally cleaned up Nathan's room. It is pretty bare but clean. Liam's Molly Bear is on the dresser waiting for Nathan's to join him. Along with both Liam and Nathan's blankets from the hospital. I did make a Nathan and Liam shelf in the curio cabinet in the living room. It feels good to display some of the items that represent my angel boys. I also hung the "Precious Little Ones" poem in the living room. I am hoping to get a edited picture of Nathan soon so I can hang that up as well. I really want to finish their scrapbooks I already started...
I still cant believe this all happened. It still feels like one huge nightmare.

Labels

I hate putting labels on my forehead. I did it with the unexplained infertility imaging a big "I" on my forehead and feeling less of a woman because I need help from drugs, Dr.'s and the bank to get pregnant. Now I feel like I have "Mom to a Stillborn" written on my forehead. I feel like it's a disease that no one wants to catch. I feel like women look at me and Thank the Heavens they aren't me. And they "Can't image", and "Wouldn't survive something like that" and think "I'm much stronger of a person than they are".
I'm mean to myself I know. I try to own my story, be proud? of my story, Believe that something positive will come out of my story. Believe that I can do God's work because of my story. I try to imagine my babies in Heaven alive and perfect and watching over me. It's hard though. I think about the tragedy everyday and what I thought my life was going to be this summer. It's really depressing. I also think that I would gladly take all this pain for my children if it means they didn't have to suffer or feel one moment of it. That's what you do for your kids.
I hate reliving the moment over and over in my head the day Nathan passed. It happens almost everyday. Its haunting. Especially the phone call to Scott and his reaction.... I want that to stop.
I haven't been to the grave in a while and I haven't felt like going. I don't know why. It's too painful. I want to decorate/make it look nice but I haven't had the desire to go there. I feel guilty about that. I don't know what is in my future. Is there another child? I would like to Hope so but my heart is weak, it's tired, it's broken. I don't know if Scott and I can handle much more. There's only one thing to do- Pray.

To Hell and back many many times.

Wow!!! reading my last post was emotional because all of my fears in that post came true. In that last post I was pregnant with twins. We knew Nathan was a boy, we didn't know Liam (the smaller one) was also a boy.
We lost them both. My twin boys went to the Lord. Liam at 18 weeks and Nathan at 35 weeks.
One statement in that last post remains true. God is big enough to handle all of my worries and anxiety. He is in control and will be by my side no matter what. Well, the "what" happened and I somehow still manage to be Thankful, Faithful, Hopeful and the Proudest Mom of 3 boys! There are so many blanks to fill in but I'm not going to do that right now. I'm not ready. I am ready to tell the world 2 of my babies are in Heaven and they are perfect, happy, healthy, safe and sound.

This story is far from over.

To be continued...