A Mother's Grief, A Mother's Love

I keep learning that a Mother's grief is like no other's. Not even a Father's. It's a "beyond frustrating" place to be. The majority of people don't want to talk about or see a picture of my "dead" children and I get that. It's too raw, too emotional, too painful. But as their mother, I am still so very proud these are my boys and the memories I do have of them is ALL I have. I won't have a new picture every year to put on the wall or a new "bigger" footprint to display. The pictures, items and symbols I have are the only ways I can honor them as my children. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one left grieving. I know that's not true. I feel like I have to accept my grieving is so personal, so different and so more complicated than any one else. When you've been to hell and back its hard to relate to others. It's hard to enjoy what you once enjoyed. It's hard to live.
Yesterday the hospital held a remembrance service for all the babies gone too soon. I brought a picture of the twins to show my family. This picture had been edited by a photographer to make it look "better". It was in black and white and touched up/smoothed a bit (especially Liam). I put it in a frame with the Helen Keller quote "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." I passed it down to share with my family who graciously came to the remembrance service with us. When we left the service Scott and I were having a discussion in the car and I mentioned that I felt "stupid" for passing around the picture. I felt like it was too hard for everyone to look at but I can't help how proud I am of my boys and I wish one of my family members would of told me they thought it was beautiful.... We arrive home, some time passes, and I am in the old "baby's room" putting the picture away. Carter comes up to me and says "Mom I heard you say in the car you wish someone would of said the picture is beautiful, I think it's beautiful Mom."
That is all I needed to hear. As Carter gets older he seems to know exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. He is going to be a truly amazing man full of Faith, Love and Wisdom. I know this deep in my heart. God Bless that little man.