Year 1

The first year after a personal loss is the hardest. I can't wait until my "Year 1" is over. I have until St. Patrick's Day of 2016. I know I won't feel miraculously better on March 18th but all those thoughts in my head right now of "Last year at this time I was..." Just found out I was pregnant... Just found out it was twins, Just found out Liam was abnormal, Knew Liam was going to die, Lost Liam...., Had a baby shower, Set up the nursery, Lost Nathan...
Last night was bad. It was one of those nights where I kept getting flashbacks of all the horrible events that have happened the past year. I can easily put myself right back in those moments. It is so painful. I want them to stop. I feel horrible that we lost Liam only 3 days after Carter's birthday. I think I 'm going super overboard with Carter's birthday party to distract myself. It was working up until recently. I want my twin boys back. I want them to be celebrating their big brother's birthday and the Holidays with us. My heart just aches for them.

3 babies lost. One in each of the 3 trimesters. 6 weeks, 18 weeks and 35 weeks. Each loss had its own difficulties and pain. It's hard to believe.

But, I do think God spoke to me on Sunday when I was in church. He told me to make a phone call to the social worker at the hospital and ask how I can be involved with the HEAL (Helping Each Other After Loss) program. I'm a bit nervous though. Am I strong enough? Has enough time passed? What can I do? What helped me? I need to make this phone call. But I am nervous.

I don't know what to do on the 24th. Liam's angelversary. I want to start a tradition. I'm thinking about sending up balloons with messages on/in them at their grave. I don't know.... I just want my Year 1 to be over......