Rainbow baby (Maybe)

Where do I even begin. After the miscarriage and D&C in May I honestly was lost. My Faith, Prayer Life, Bible study, Church attendance went down the tubes. We were also forced to spend all of our free time, energy and money at our rental property which was unfortunately trashed by tenants we had a evict. Then as I mentioned in my last post, my 1st fur baby passed away which really just poured salt in our wounds but we kept moving forward. About four weeks after the D&C I tried to schedule my follow up from D&C but my appointment never happened. I then noticed that I became bloated again (plus I didn't get a period yet). I was bloated the whole last pregnancy and even bloated after the D&C then once the bloating went away I knew all the pregnancy hormones were out of my body. But, the bloating came back.... Could I be pregnant again? I didn't even have a period yet after the D&C, how is that possible? Then I thought... its all in your head because you finally got pregnant on your own, now every month you are going to think you are pregnant. Get ready to be mentally tortured every month like back in the TTC days! I took a test. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? It's positive. Is this from "leftover hormones" from D&C? If this is a new pregnancy, am I just going miscarry again? Is it even safe to get pregnant that quick after D&C? Why am I so fertile all of a sudden after 11 years of actively trying? What the hell is going on?
I had 5 blood/hcg counts and my number kept rising normally. So this was a new pregnancy. Holy shit. Next step- ultrasound. First one showed a gestational sac in the right place that looked better than last pregnancy. Holy shit. Next step- heartbeat. I didn't make it this far with last pregnancy so this appointment was really nerve wracking. We saw a heartbeat! Holy shit. I'm am pregnant. That was about 2 weeks ago. I have an appointment at my high risk Dr. in about 90 minutes to check the baby's progress. I am 8 weeks pregnant (but look like I am 14 weeks).
Terrified isn't the word to describe how I feel. It's worse than terrified. I feel like I'm just waiting for the bad news. I want to get the bad news over with. I desperately want to be wrong. I am scared to hope, I am scared to imagine this little baby in my arms one day, I am scared to pick out a name, I am scared to put a pregnancy app on my phone or go on pinterest and pin baby stuff. The Dr. says the baby will most likely be delivered at 36 weeks once lungs are fully developed. That puts me early to mid January 2017. It seems REALLY far from now. This pregnancy has really sparked flash backs of the twin pregnancy and the death of both of them. I still can't believe all of that happened and I am still standing upright, alive, well and still so thankful for all the Blessings in my life. There is no human that could of helped me survive those moments in my life but God. It was not His fault. He was right beside me weeping and grieving with me. He HAD to be. There's no other explanation for physically and mentally surviving that point in my life. But, I haven't been nice to God lately. I've really "back burnered" Him after this last miscarriage. However, God has shown me the impossible and I am going to get back to fully Trusting Him as my #1 above all and anyone else. Deep down I know He has my back- always.
A baby born after a loss in called a "rainbow baby". My storm did come and it changed me forever. I am still cleaning up the aftermath of my storm but I am starting to see the possibility of a rainbow in my future and its beautiful.