Will I make it 6 more weeks?

The answer feels like no. But deep, deep down I know the answer is yes. I can do this. Do I think it will be (as Carter use to say) easy, breezy, lemon squeezy? Uh.... Can I get a Hell No up in here?! I am 31 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Both my regular OB and high risk Dr. agree and support a delivery at 37 weeks (January 25, 2017). According to the high risk Dr. the chance of needing NICU support at 37 weeks is 90/10. 90% no; 10% yes. He also thinks taking a NICU risk over the risk of having another stillborn is the risk we have to take (agree). I will get a steroid shot two weeks prior to delivering (to help lung development) and also will be given the option of an amniocenteses to check lung development right before delivery. How am I doing you ask? I am one, hot mess. I started really tracking and counting my kicks at 28 weeks. I have app on my phone that stores every "kick counting session". They drive me nuts- I'm suppose to get 10 kicks in one hour (as per regular OB). Well, little Jase is a violent, hard, often kicker. I am usually done within 20 minutes with my 10 kicks. (I do these counts at least twice a day) .When he decides to be lazy it sends me into a frenzy. I ended up at hospital last Friday because I was not satisfied with his kicking/movements. They check the baby by giving him a non stress test (NST).  I get these NST's done at high risk Dr. twice a week but this particular day (and the Thursday before)- nothing was giving me peace of mind. Something just didn't feel right. But.... I have a hard time deciding if I'm having a "gut feeling" or if it PTSD from losing Nathan. Walking into the hospital that day wasn't hard (I haven't been there since delivering Nathan). It was when I got into the room. It looked exactly the same as the room I was in when they told me he had died. The walls, the clock, the art, the smell, the couch, the set up. It ALL came back. I saw the 2 or 3 nurses leaning over the bed, holding my hands while they tried to calm me down, I saw the Dr. tell me there was no heartbeat, I heard Scott screaming in the phone when I called and told him, I saw my sister and my brother sitting on the couch- not knowing what to do, I saw my OB come in with a shocked look on his face, just shaking his head, speechless. I remember staring at the clock thinking it was all a nightmare and it couldn't be real. It was intense. I had several panic attacks. My blood pressure was through the roof, chest pains, couldn't breath, I kept thinking (and saying out loud) "I can't lose this one, I can bury this one, I can't do this". All the nurses were supportive thank goodness. A nurse named Jessica came in and said she was there when Nathan died, she remembers us, remembers we have an son at home, and has been praying for us ever since. I felt bad I didn't remember her. I only remember a few nurses from that time. One of the nurses who helped me the night I found out and another nurse who brought me my babies to hold and visited me again before I left the hospital. I hope I see these two nurses again- under different circumstances.
The NST at the hospital last Friday came back good and Jase returned to his normal, violent kicking self. I hope I can stay out of hospital until I deliver. We will see. My last days of work is next week. I think this will help me. I can fully concentrate on the kicks and his pattern and what time of day is his most active. It's kind of difficult to pay attention when you at work all day sitting at a computer. I also need to nest. Mainly spring clean after all the Christmas stuff is put away. We haven't done one thing for nursery or bought one baby item. Scott and I just can't do it. When the unthinkable happens you think about it happening again. We both won't believe we really going to bring home a living 2nd child until we actually do. I guess it will be a happy, shopping, preparation frenzy when the time comes. I know I have family and friends ready to help. They will be my backbone through this. Just like they were when Nathan passed.
One thing I really hate is remembering the details of the "day" and thinking the same thing now- "Will this be what I'm wearing when Jase dies?" "Will this be what I cooked the day Jase dies?" 'Will this be the car ride to the hospital when Jase dies?" It's completely torturous.
I also feel like a new wave of grief will come after Jase is born. It hurts already. It's not fair they aren't here. I already decided to bring their picture and Molly Bears to the hospital room when I deliver...
Also, there's Carter. I'm so anxious for him to have a different situation and outcome when it comes to pregnancy and having a living sibling/brother. His grieving has shown throughout this pregnancy. I hate when he is sad about his brothers. I wish I could fix that. He says he's going to carry Jase out of the hospital... Melts my heart. I told Scott the other day I need Carter to be there the moment I deliver. I want him there the whole time. I need him in a different, new way right now. He is my little man. I need him for emotional support. Not like I need Scott but sort of like I need Scott. I think because he knows a lot, he's been through a lot and because he has strong Faith.
Ugh, I think that's enough for now. Can you tell a lot is going through my mind?? I think I can write for days and days.

Back to shock or still in it?

I know there's multiple stages of grieving and I know I've probably been through all of them since losing the twins but I reel like the "shock stage" is back more than ever. All I kept thinking this morning was "Did that really happen?" Did I lose a baby when I was 35 weeks pregnant for no apparent medical reason? Did I really bury my 2nd (and 3rd) child in the ground? Was I really that close to having a "normal" delivery where I would actually bring the baby home and use the amazing nursery we had all ready to go, clothes washed and ready in the dresser, big brother t-shirt for Carter, take home outfit packed... Did all of that really happen? Did it? It seems like a huge shocking nightmare right now. I just can't wrap my head around it. Maybe because I am 22 weeks pregnant all of this is resurfacing... I don't know? I wish I didn't have all these memories- these horrific memories that are so gut wrenching I am still in shock they even happened. I will never be the same. Never. You don't get over years of infertility treatments and losing four babies- you just don't. I feel Jase now, kicking me. I want him safe in my arms. It feels like I can't emotionally (and physically) take much more but this is what a mother does- she doesn't give up, she takes it, she will do ANYTHING for her kids and that's exactly what I will do. I feel depressed. I feel upset Nathan isn't here. He should be. I know I've been told 1000 times by 1000 different people it was nothing I did or didn't do- but when you are responsible for growing a child in your womb and that child doesn't survive- you feel guilty. I find myself repeating the same things in my head I did after Liam died and it was just his brother left in my womb. "I just need to hold Nathan and then I can relax.... then I can breath...." "I just want to be responsible for my own body again". I am scared. Really scared. I keep thinking I'm just going through a "rough patch" with the extra anxiety, depression and grieving but its not getting better. Day after day, week after week. I cry almost everyday. I need it to be mid January. No one can help me either. No "everything will be OK", No "you are so strong", No advice from Dr., church message or pregnancy after loss group will make me feel better. There is only one thing that I need to feel better. Jase Beau Johnson alive and healthy in my arms. That's it.

Little Liam

I am 18 weeks pregnant and terrified still isn't the right word. This pregnancy is hands down one of the hardest things I have ever been through. Not physically, but mentally. This is around the time when Liam went to be with the Lord in November of 2014. I know what a baby looks like outside the womb at 18 weeks. I delivered and held one. My little Liam. I still have the tiny blanket he was wrapped in. Jase is the same size. (Oh yeah, its a Boy! and his name is Jase) The exact same size. It brings back a lot of painful memories and guilt. A mother's guilt is like no other....A lot of tears have been shed this past week.
No one can really understand unless they've been through it that pregnancy after a third trimester (unexplained) loss isn't exciting, its not "normal", you don't feel the same, you don't think the same. A pregnancy announcement is important, gender revealing isn't important, a perfect set up nursery with all the latest gadgets isn't important- getting to hold this baby alive in my arms is the only thing that matters to Scott, Carter and I. We are all holding are breath until the day.
Carter says and asks questions about Jase that are extremely difficult. He compares this pregnancy to the last one. He wants to know if its going better this time. Scott and I always stay Faithful and positive when talking to Carter. We pray for Jase every single day. We make sure Carter knows God knows what he is doing 100% of the time. I hate the fact Carter has experienced such a tragedy and remembers everything. It is absolutely heartbreaking. He is beyond excited it is a boy though! He says he's going to carry Jase home from the hospital. He is such a loving boy.
We decided on Beau as a middle name. The meaning behind this is that a baby born after a loss is a rainbow baby. So Beau is short for/means "Rainbow". Jase will be a baby born after losing 3 babies. One from each trimester.
What a year it has been so far. I am really looking forwarding to 2017. I think Scott and I are the only people who cannot wait for winter this year!

"Thy Will be Done"

"Thy Will Be Done"

This song is so powerful!!!!!

What powerful 4 words!!!!

Rainbow baby (Maybe)

Where do I even begin. After the miscarriage and D&C in May I honestly was lost. My Faith, Prayer Life, Bible study, Church attendance went down the tubes. We were also forced to spend all of our free time, energy and money at our rental property which was unfortunately trashed by tenants we had a evict. Then as I mentioned in my last post, my 1st fur baby passed away which really just poured salt in our wounds but we kept moving forward. About four weeks after the D&C I tried to schedule my follow up from D&C but my appointment never happened. I then noticed that I became bloated again (plus I didn't get a period yet). I was bloated the whole last pregnancy and even bloated after the D&C then once the bloating went away I knew all the pregnancy hormones were out of my body. But, the bloating came back.... Could I be pregnant again? I didn't even have a period yet after the D&C, how is that possible? Then I thought... its all in your head because you finally got pregnant on your own, now every month you are going to think you are pregnant. Get ready to be mentally tortured every month like back in the TTC days! I took a test. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? It's positive. Is this from "leftover hormones" from D&C? If this is a new pregnancy, am I just going miscarry again? Is it even safe to get pregnant that quick after D&C? Why am I so fertile all of a sudden after 11 years of actively trying? What the hell is going on?
I had 5 blood/hcg counts and my number kept rising normally. So this was a new pregnancy. Holy shit. Next step- ultrasound. First one showed a gestational sac in the right place that looked better than last pregnancy. Holy shit. Next step- heartbeat. I didn't make it this far with last pregnancy so this appointment was really nerve wracking. We saw a heartbeat! Holy shit. I'm am pregnant. That was about 2 weeks ago. I have an appointment at my high risk Dr. in about 90 minutes to check the baby's progress. I am 8 weeks pregnant (but look like I am 14 weeks).
Terrified isn't the word to describe how I feel. It's worse than terrified. I feel like I'm just waiting for the bad news. I want to get the bad news over with. I desperately want to be wrong. I am scared to hope, I am scared to imagine this little baby in my arms one day, I am scared to pick out a name, I am scared to put a pregnancy app on my phone or go on pinterest and pin baby stuff. The Dr. says the baby will most likely be delivered at 36 weeks once lungs are fully developed. That puts me early to mid January 2017. It seems REALLY far from now. This pregnancy has really sparked flash backs of the twin pregnancy and the death of both of them. I still can't believe all of that happened and I am still standing upright, alive, well and still so thankful for all the Blessings in my life. There is no human that could of helped me survive those moments in my life but God. It was not His fault. He was right beside me weeping and grieving with me. He HAD to be. There's no other explanation for physically and mentally surviving that point in my life. But, I haven't been nice to God lately. I've really "back burnered" Him after this last miscarriage. However, God has shown me the impossible and I am going to get back to fully Trusting Him as my #1 above all and anyone else. Deep down I know He has my back- always.
A baby born after a loss in called a "rainbow baby". My storm did come and it changed me forever. I am still cleaning up the aftermath of my storm but I am starting to see the possibility of a rainbow in my future and its beautiful.

Daaaaang!

I was just reading through this blog and I think its (excuse my language) bat shit crazy everything Scott and I have gone through (and continue to go through) with trying to conceive. This blog is almost 10 years old now! Can you say cra-cra?? A miracle and a tragedy happend in April 2016. After 11 years of trying to conceive on our own- we did! It was the biggest shock of our lives! In my mind I thought this baby had to make it because he or she was conceived naturally. Not under the bright lights of a doctor's office, in stirrups with more credit card and loan debt to our names to pay for it. Also because I've been praying HARD. I mean HARD! about when to go forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer "FET"(We still have 6 babies on ice).  I've been praying about where we were going to get the money and when would be the right time and then BOOM I get pregnant. Answered prayers?

April 9th was my 1st positive home pregnancy test and by May 5th I was having a D&C for a "blighted ovum". That is an embryo that attaches to the uterus but never develops a baby inside. My Faith has been shaken once again... A book that really helped this time was "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". It has a different perspective than the other Christian/Faith based books I have read. So where do I go now?? Well, I need to get my Faith back on track. It's slowly getting there. A anonymous person from our church sent a postcard yesterday that said "Praying For You" on front with such a nice message written on the other side. It came at the perfect time!

It's really strange to read the posts from the 2007 and the 2008 me. As well as the posts from 2012/2013 and during the IVF. I still can't believe I was pregnant with 2 seemingly heathy twins and I buried them both. It's still shocking to my system. I wish I was at home with them right now teaching ABC's and colors....

In other depressing news.... My 1st fur baby passed away last month. Willy. I miss him everyday. He knew when I was upset and need comforting. And he wasn't the type of dog to snuggle, cuddle or even want you to pet him and that's what I loved about him. He would just literally lay by my side, (but not sleep), he would protect me, and let me know he was there. He reminded me of a K9. A no nonsense, LOYAL, friend who you could always count on. Life is definitely not the same without him.

OK had enough "Wa- Wa's"??? yet?? I have and it's time for some good news. I'll keep waiting.

The Faith of a 7 year old

My Carter. Seeing him grieve over the death of his twin brothers has been so heart wrenching. I work really hard to keep his Faith, Trust, Love and Thanksgiving with God- No matter what life brings. This task is hard to do when your own Faith is has been tested beyond belief and you have so many unanswered questions. I never let this get in the way of what I want Carter to know about God and his relationship with Him.
A few months ago Carter and I were having a conversation about the twins and God. Carter told me God made them die and they weren't "his brothers/"in his family" because they weren't on Earth. I was so hurt and shocked to hear this. I explained to Carter, God isn't a mean God. He doesn't "make people die". He is a good, loving Father and His ways are better than ours. He sees a different perspective in Heaven. Our Earthly life is a pin drop compared to an eternity in Heaven. God has a job for everyone. He needed the twins in Heaven. Their job wasn't for Earth it was for Heaven. You do have brother's Carter- they just don't live on Earth, they live in Heaven and you will get to meet them when you go there.
Sometimes when I talk to Carter I don't think he is listening. But then this week happened.

April 22, 2105 was Nathan's scheduled C-section. It was going to be my second son's birthday. When this day passed this year I said out loud to Scott "Today would be celebrating Nathan's 1st birthday, if he was alive" Not thinking C was listening Carter says. "He is alive Mom". Tears ran down my face. Your right Carter, he is alive and I bet he is celebrating with Jesus.

Yesterday after church, we picked Carter up from the kid's church program. As we were walking to the car he was telling me a game they were playing and one of the questions was "If you have brothers or sisters... (do a certain thing)" This is usually a sore subject for C- being an only child but he says "I went up there when they said that because I will never forget".

I love seeing the roots grow deep in Carter. It is amazing.

The Power of Pets

Although they are messy, hairy, bark and meow too much and are constantly begging for food, these three have helped me heal in so many ways. Their unconditional love is so needed. I am so thankful for my "black pack" and all the ways they give me comfort.

I'd also like to share how I carry my twin boys with me everywhere I go. Scott and I got these tattoos less than 2 weeks after Nathan passed away. We designed them ourselves. I chose that spot on my arm because it is where their heads would of laid... Love you boys!

Reap what you sow

I did reap what I sowed. It hit me straight in the face too. It was hard to accept but I did.

I went to Aldi's grocery store a week or so ago. I do not shop at Aldi's very often but I noticed in their ad they had some pretty good sales so I took $30.00 in cash and my own grocery bags and headed to Aldi's in Austintown. I told myself to pay attention to what I was putting in my cart- making sure I didn't go over $30.00- I remember only cash being accepted at Aldi's (I never have cash on me).
I did good in the beginning- using the calculator on my phone. Well that didn't last long so once I finally got to the checkout I knew it was going to be close. The gentleman who checked me out asked how I was- I said "Good- how are you??"  He replied "I'm having a pretty rotten day" but he wasn't rude or upset when he said this, he was just being honest and was actually really friendly. He told me my total was $41 and some change. I panicked. "I only have $30.00 cash", "Do you take checks?", "Can I return some of this??".
Dan (the Aldi's worker) immediately said "I'll cover it for you". He then gets up, busts out a MasterCard and swipes it to cover the remaining balance of $11 and some change before I could even react any further.
"No, no, no don't do that, I will write you a check, what's your last name?, I know your first name is Dan, you really don't have to do that, I feel bad, you not paying for my groceries, I didn't expect this, you said you were having a rotten day!"
"It's OK" He says, it's only $11.00, and don't come back in to pay me back".
It was so easy for this man, there was no thinking about it, he just did it, he just immediately helps a stranger without thinking. He has to do this all the time. I say thank you a dozen times and leave.
I was going to go straight to the bank, get cash out and take it back in to Aldi's but after talking to my husband and my sister I decided to accept this man's gracious act of kindness. I thought of the rotten day I had on March 16th- the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life. The day that forever changed me. I chose perform random acts of kindness on my rotten day. That's what Dan from Aldi's decided too and I was the lucky recipient!

God is Good.

Year 1 is over.

We spent our day doing random acts of kindness. We paid for someone's coffee, left stamps in a stamp machine, left quarters in a laundromat and at a car wash, left baby wipes on a changing table in a restroom, left $2 at a red box, left money in soda vending machine, left $1 in the toy section of the dollar store, left a note in woman's dressing room that said "You are beautiful!" and left a generous tip at the restaurant we ate lunch at. It was a good day. Since we missed church this past Sunday we also listened to the message via the church's app. It was the MOST PERFECT message for us to hear yesterday! It was amazing. After Carter got home from school we each wrote messages to Nathan and Liam on a balloon and sent it up into the sky. When Carter got up this morning he said "I bet Jesus has that balloon now!" It was still hard and today is hard too but I'm glad we used our time wisely yesterday. We made a choice.

Laura Story - Blessings

Heard this song recently. I think I love it.
God has been speaking to me lately and I am so thankful.

My head may explode...

So I've been really "down in the dumps" lately. I haven't cried or yelled or screamed. I haven't stayed in bed or not cooked dinner or not do homework, or not exercise... I've just been really depressed on the inside but have not allowed myself to call off work, crawl into a hole and self-medicate like I want to. I can't.
Carter and I were playing basketball in his room last night and all of a sudden out of no where he says. "Mom, are you disappointed?"  I said "No, with who?" He said "the babies, because they died" I explained to him that I sometimes am confused as to why they died and I won't know the answer until I get to Heaven. He asks me if I want to go to Heaven. I say "Of course, but not right now, I will miss you, I need to take care of you still" He replies "Well, Dad is here" I say "I know Dad is here but won't you miss me if I go to Heaven?" and he says "Yes, but I will be there".
I really don't know what to make of this conversation... I keep replaying it over in my head. Was Carter trying to make me feel better? Is he really that comfortable talking about going to Heaven? Does he understand what he is saying? How did he sense my frustration with God? Was God trying to tell me something with this conversation?

I don't know?

Finding my fit.

I want to be a part of a foundation that helps. Which one is right for me?? Maybe I should start my own? What do I want to do? I want to help other women who are like me. As I think back to my time in the hospital and the days after I delivered my rainbow baby- I wonder if there was something that would of brought me a smidgen of comfort? The only thing I can think of is the Molly Bears I ordered for the twins. They are weighted bears for parents who lost a baby too soon. http://mollybears.com. I love my Molly Bears- especially Nathan's because it is the exact weight that he weighed (4lbs. 1oz.)and it is something I can hold in my arms. As sad as it sounds, it helps me to cradle that bear in my arms and cry.
It takes months and months to receive the bear once you order it. Had I been able to carry it out with me from the hospital- it might have been a smidgen of comfort to me as a mother. I contacted Molly Bears and proposed my idea to them. To have Bears on hand and deliver them to the local hospital so these parents can have the bear with them when they leave hospital. I also applied to be a volunteer for the MISS Foundation http://missfoundation.org/ I stumbled across this foundation online and I was impressed. I especially loved their kindness project! http://missfoundation.org/support/kindness.

I've been to our local support group, I've been to a memorial service, I've been to therapy. I'm starting to think I am more comfortable at the other end- giving support, not receiving it. It's not because I don't need support- I do. But I feel a lot of healing and comfort from helping others, giving advice, giving Hope or just trying to make someone's day a little bit better and brighter. I just need to figure out where I fit in.

Not realizing it at the time but something else that would bring me comfort now- 10 months later- is a picture of the twins I could hang on my wall. A picture of Nathan that looks like he is sleeping- not dead. I appreciate the nurses taking pictures of the boys and I didn't even realize at the moment how important they would be to me later but if I had someone/photographer who had decent camera with some kind of filter and cleaned/wrapped him in blanket/positioned him different/more natural I would of really, really appreciated that now. No offense to any of the nurses who helped me tremendously at the hospital but I feel like the pictures I have look like crime scene photos. Can I offer this with my just my cell phone camera having no experience as a photographer? I don't know...If I could team up with a photographer that would be amazing. Maybe I will look into that.

On a different note, the flashbacks and repeat/replay in my head have gotten better. I still get them when I'm driving in the car though. The path/drive to the hospital when Nathan died that night is the same path I take to work everyday. We trying to get rid of my car. Scott and I both get bad memories when we drive in it. I've been taking a herbal/natural supplement called "Star of Bethlehem". It was recommended to me from a psychologist. I think it is helping my brain not relive those traumatic moments so much and/or get triggered so easily. I do keep thinking about Nathan's 1 year angelversary coming up. I am really nervous about this day. I don't know what I'm going to feel like... or what I'm going to do... I don't know what to expect. I hope the anticipation outweighs the actual events of that day. Right now it feels like the whole month of March is going to be treacherous.

I hope my boys show up soon. I haven't had a "good" sign from them in a while. I will be on the lookout boys! Please come say hi to your Mama! Love you and Miss you like crazy...