Good news/Bad news

I passed my Real Estate Exam- That is the good news!!! Now for the bad which I'm sure you can guess- A negative pregnancy test. I wasn't feeling too positive about this cycle since it was so strange so it wasn't as big of a disappointment as last injection round. Scott took it worse than I did this time. He is so pissed and sick and tired of being positive about things and I completely understand. I really took a deep negative dive last injection round and I can;t seem to get out of it. I have no Faith, Hope, or Strength left to think positive. I can;t help it. I wish I could turn it around. I'm just depressed that's all and I don't know how to help myself. What kills me is seeing Scott go through the same thing. He has always been the "look on the bright side" "let's think positive" person. I don't want him to go the other way but I can relate to everything he is feeling and I hate to see him this way. For some reason I feel like it is my fault, like I put him through this. And if he was with someone else he would be a dad by now- a wonderful dad. I know this is stupid to think about but I feel like because my body can't get and stay pregnant (for whatever reason) it is my fault and I don't want to put him through this pain anymore.
We are taking a break from the Dr. for a few months. I could of started injection again tomorrow but I really don't want to be stuck with needles for 2 weeks and get an internal ultrasound every 3rd day at the Dr. office. Its getting kinda humiliating to me.
I am so glad we are getting away for Christmas! I am SO excited it's just going to be us. I do feel bad we wont see our families but we need to get away and enjoy our little family- just the 2 of us (and are furbabies of course!) This Christmas is SO different from any Christmas I have ever experienced. I have not one decoration up and I have no Christmas spirit. I tried to force myself to get in the holiday mood but its not happening. I hope this is the first and LAST Christmas like this.
But I have to say not stressing about gifts like I usually do has been kinda nice. It make you realize what's really important and that's just spending time with the one's you love. That's all that really matters to me. As long as I have my family, friends, and my best friend and husband I know I will be O.K.

Confusion

Things went really weird this cycle. Last Monday my dose was increased to 187.5IU until Thursday. I went back Thursday and I was put on 150IU until Saturday. On Saturday I was put on 150IU for Saturday and 75IU for Sunday. Dr. thought my IUI was going to be this Wednesday Dec. 5th. I went back to office on yesterday for my routine ultra sound and blood work. I get a call from the nurse telling me that they pulled a progesterone level and I already started ovulating and the Dr. thinks it is not worth it to do the IUI this late.
I was so upset because I've been through hell the past 2 weeks w/shots, blood work and ultrasounds and now it is too late to do the insemination? My body decided to ovulate early? I still am confused about everything and have questions for Dr. Yes- it is still possible for me to get pregnant this month the "natural" way but my chances of success are increased w/ the insemination and I rely on the insemination because by the time my eggs are "cooked" so to say I am in pain, bloated, and feeling the pressure which makes nothing easier.
Plus I didn't have alot of follicles like usual? and they weren't that big when I supposedly started ovulating? I don't know. Once again I am confused, frustrated and at my wit's end. We will see what happens when I go in for a pregnancy test in a couple weeks but I have to admit I'm not feeling too positive about this cycle- it was a mess (to say the least).
For now I need to concentrate on studying for my Real Estate exam which is next week! I am nervous but excited to get it over with already! Scott got a new position at work with better pay so that is GREAT news. I'm am so happy for him. It is a farther drive but we are working on finding a "work" car that gets good mileage. Good luck comes in 3's right??? If I pass my test maybe I will also get the greatest good news I've been waiting for. I will hope and wait, wait, wait.

Injection Day 7

Things are going as normal. No real great response yet but my ovaries will be "kicking it up a notch" later this week I'm sure. I go back to RE's on Wednesday. The nurse hasn't called me back yet to tell me what my dose will be tonight but I'm guessing Dr. is going to increase it a bit. I've been having some major hot flashes it seems this treatment cycle and just a nauseated feeling. Not sure if it's the extra hormones or the pounds of food I ate over the holiday weekend! I am getting my normal chest soreness and exhaustion but I'm use to this by now. I am betting IUI will be next Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. Usually I would have my tree and decorations up by now- I'm just not feeling up to it and I don't see the point. It sounds so Ebenezer Scrooge but I am just being honest. I told Scott if the feeling comes over me where I want to get all the Christmas stuff out i will - but if it doesn't come to me I'm not going to worry about it.

Round #3. Last chance before a big decision

Here we go again. Its been a bad past few days. The ugly "Aunt Flo" arrived and once again I am fathomed at the fact that we cant get pregnant like two normal human beings. As I walked into the Dr.'s office today all I kept thinking was... isn't Scott and I's love for each other enough? We have a connection and love for one another that many never find and I am grateful for that every second of my life but isn't that good enough to bring a baby into our lives? We have SO much love to give. We are good, loving people. We have a warm, happy home and so much love for each other. Isn't that enough??? The frustration and questions never end. As I probably said before- I could never do this without Scott. He honest to God is the reason I am still going. I can without a doubt say my heart feels the same about him as it did 10 years ago. When I think about how much he means to me, how much I love him, and how much we've been through together- I know if he's by my side he can get me through anything.
I seen Dr. Hecht this morning. 150IU's today through Sunday, back to office on Monday. I not going to put the extra effort into being hopeful, positive, and full of Faith this time. I wish I could. I'm just tired and it seems like no matter what I do, how I think or feel it always ends in disappointment (at least in this aspect of my life) So I'm going to take it one day at a time. If this doesn't work our next option is an extremely expensive option. I am willing to sacrifice whatever I have to to get pregnant. Call it selfish or selfless- Its our choice. I just don't think Scott and I are on the same page about Invitro Fertilization (IVF). I guess we will just cross that bridge if we have to. Time to turn into a pin cushion for the next few weeks.... Eeeek.

Update

Its been quite a while. Over a month. I went for a beta blood test on Oct. 15th. It was negative. I sobbed and sobbed- I left work and called my mother. I had to talk to her. I drove to her work and I just told her how we tried injections again and they didn't work and how incredibly hard it was for me to not tell her. I don't get it? Its been over 2 years- we've had every test done possible- I've taken so many drugs, I've had so many insemination's. I don't get it. We don't get it. Then we got more bad news. Scott's new insurance doesn't cover any injection medication. We have one more box of injections in our fridge so that means one more round of injections and that's it (because one box cost $700 and I usually go through more than one box a cycle)- we've exhausted all "reasonable" options.

Except for IVF- Invitro Fertilization which is about 10-15K. That is where they take my eggs out- fertilize them w/ Scott's sperm and put the fertilized eggs back into my body. It's a 50% success rate I believe compared to the 10-20% success rate we've been dealing with with Clomid, FSH and IUI's. My thought is- I will do whatever it takes. Sell my car, work 4 jobs, or whatever to pay for a loan for this. This is the only way it will happen for us. I don't think Scott is totally on the same page as me. Yes, he wants to be pregnant as much as I do but it bothers him its only a 50% success rate for such a large amount of money. I know what he means but we've come so far- we've worked so hard. I DON'T want to give up! I want to put all this on the back burner right now because I still do have one more chance w/ injections and IUI but its so hard for me to be positive about anything working in our favor.

This month's disappointment was harder than usual. It felt like it was on the level of the miscarriage disappointment I felt months ago. I swear every time I turn around I see or hear about pregnancy or babies. It upsets Scott too. We are both so damn frustrated. We decided to go away for Christmas and celebrate our little family together and alone. Christmas is pretty much about the kids and we need to distance ourselves from that with no offense to anyone in our family whatsoever. Its just something we need to do- for our emotional sanity. I'm excited to go away- we are taking the dogs so that will be so much fun and great because I won't be worrying about them 24/7!

Also I took my real estate sales classes and just need to take the state test to official get my real estate license. I'm excited for the change and the opportunity to make some commission cash flow. It's been nice to think about school and studying for a while and not all about why we can't get pregnant 24/7. BUT, the time is coming for us to start out 3rd and final round of injections. I don't know how to feel about it. I'm definitely not excited. I'm trying to be hopeful but I am terrified that I will have yet ANOTHER negative. Anything is possible right? I wish I could think of that phrase in a positive way and not a negative but given my past circumstances I have NO clue where my daily motivation comes from...
I feel like creating a life is part science and part miracle and we are definately doing everything possible for the "science" aspect of it- so why haven't I had my miracle side? why in 27 months? what did I do not to have my miracle? Ugh. I have ALOT of questions and no explainations.

Prayer

I've never prayed this hard. I know that sounds horrible but I've really been trying to talk to God and ask Him for my miracle, ask Him to bless us, ensure Him we are ready and willing to accept children. I ask Him for Faith, Strength, Hope and positive thinking. I get so emotional when I pray because it means so much to me. I can't help to think What if this doesn't happen? What am i going to do? I try to avoid those thoughts but sometimes its impossible. There's nothing I can do but wait and this week is going to creep by ever so slowly- i know it will. Its just another test of my patients. I cant help but feel like its going to end in failure- can you blame me?? It's been over two years of failure. I just feel like I got pregnant from the shots the first time so it HAS to work the 2nd time- But as Dr. Hecht explained- that's not true. I just want ONE sign. One sign that makes me believe it happened. I'll take anything at this point.

My 6pm appointment pictures

I thought I would post some pictures of what makes me feel like a human pincushion! This is the whole kit spread out. The red container is my needle waste basket then in the black kit from left to right is my pen disposal container, next to that is the Gonal-f pen itself which is pre-loaded with medication, next to that alcohol wipes and band-aids, then lastly a box of needles.

Here is the pen up close. You attach the needle, set the amount of the dose, pull out then end to set the dose, inject yourself and press the end button down until it stops clicking, wait 5 seconds and remove the needle. It's really easy actually- just ask Scott- I think he enjoyed stabbing me with this sometimes :) just kidding!

I just wanna go home.

I'm at work. I just wanna go home and lay down. I am inseminated. 27 million swimmers. I was hoping for over 40 million but its not a big deal when you are talking about 27 vs. 40 million sperm. I got highly upset today when I got the IUI done. I was in alot of pain and really nervous and I was upset Scott couldn't be there and all I kept thinking was "why do I have to go through this?" Anyway- I got through it and I'm feeling pretty bad pressure and bloating right now. I did take one Tylenol because nurse assured me that was OK. I felt so stupid that I got that upset at Dr. and starting sobbing actually but I couldn't help it- I'm just emotional about all this right now. I'm so scared to miscarry but even more scared of a negative result in two weeks. I'm going to keep the faith and stay positive though. I have lots of plans to keep myself busy so I'm going to distract my mind as much as possible. I start progesterone on Friday and beta blood test on Oct. 15th. I hope this is it. I hope my miracle is being created right now.

We are good to go. IUI is Wed.

Here we go again! Round 2 FSH/IUI cycle. This will technically be my 6th IUI but 2nd IUI with injections. I went to RE on Sat. September 29th and he said I wasn't quite ready. He lowered my dose to 75IU's for Saturday and Sunday night and back to office on Monday. He said I was going to have multiple eggs like last time so good chance of pregnancy but higher chance of multiple which yes- would be neat BUT scary too (and alot more work) My take is- God will bless us with however many he wants to bless us with. He knew I could handle all that we've been through thus far and I trust we can handle whatever outcome the next few weeks bring. When I went back to RE today Dr. asked if I ready to count those eggs??? I have 4-5 potentials on left (my powerhouse ovary as Dr. said) and 1-2 on right. So I think I had even better response than last time. Dr. joked with me and said "I want to get rid of you already!" And I said "I don't want to see you anymore either!" LOL. It was funny. I'm not feeling any sandbag feelings yet but if it was anything like last time I will be pretty miserable come Wednesday night through the weekend. Time to cut off my alcohol, coffee and housework intake!! I think I may go to the store tonight and buy activities to keep me busy- like a coloring book, a knitting kit, random arts and crafts, etc. I need to keep my mind and body occupied and RELAXED. No stress. I also plan lots of pampering to keep busy- soak my feet, take baths, steam my face... I can do this. I can distracted my mind for a few weeks. Oh and PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! This is most important. So HCG (trigger shot) tonight at 11pm and IUI (insemination) Wed morning.

Injection day 8

It's injection day 8. So far, so good. I do feel crappy though. I am tired, irritable and just feel yucky. My ovaries aren't too "sandbagish" yet but I'm sure they'll get there. I am to take 150IU from tonight until Friday and back to RE bright and early on Saturday! I told Dr. I was in a wedding Saturday so I have to be out by 9am to get my hair done. He told me to get here as early as possible because it will be busy. So I guess no sleeping in for me on Sat. That's OK though. On my ultrasound today he said my right ovary was resting and I have a few on the left. I went back through this blog and that is the same exact situation as round #1. None on right and few on left. Then my right produced one potential I believe when it was all said and done. So- if Friday is my last shot day that is 10 total days of injections or 1575 total IUs. Last time I was on 11 total days of injections or 1800 total IUs- But who counting??? LOL. We will just see what happens on Sat. I hope I have at least 4 potentials. C'mon eggs!! You can do it!

My Scottie- He saves me.

Every now and then

I get a little lost

The strings all get tangled

The wires all get crossed

Every now and then

I’m right upon the edge

Danglin’ my toes out over the ledge

I just thank God you’re here

'Cause when I’m a bullet shot out of a gun

When I’m a firecracker comin’ undone

When I’m a fugitive ready to run

All wild-eyed and crazy

No matter where my reckless soul takes me

Baby you save me

It’s hard lovin’ a man

That’s got a gypsy soul

I don’t know how you do it

I’m not sure how you know

The perfect thing to say

To save me from myself

You’re the angel that believes in me

Like nobody else

And I thank God you do

'Cause when I’m a bullet shot out of a gun
when I’m a firecracker comin’ undone
When I’m a fugitive ready to run
All wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

Well I know I don’t tell you nearly enough

I couldn’t live one day without your love

When I’m a ship tossed around on the waves

Up on a high wire that’s ready to break

When I’ve had just about all I can take

Baby you save me

I had to post the words to this song by Kenny Chesney that really hits home for me (us) I was thinking on the way to work this morning about all the things that give me anxiety- Not being able to find a good job, not having enough money, all that we've been through with fertility treatments and miscarriage and it all seems OK because I have Scott. He truly saves me. I think we save each other. Because we've been together so long -sometimes we take each other for granted or we don't put out that extra effort sometimes. We don't do the sweet surprises and big date night as often BUT we are connected on a level that I cant even explain. We know what each one is feeling and we don't have to say anything- we just know- and we hold each other and try to heal ourselves with each other. None of my problems seem so devastating when I think about what I have with Scott. i would die without him and after 10 years I still get choked up when i think about how much he means to me. I guess I'm just feeling the love today :)

Pressure.

I felt alot of pressure on my ovaries today when I was getting ultrasound. Seems kind of early to be feeling that much pressure?? who knows? My estrogen level was OK so they increased my dose to 187.5IU for tonight and Tues. Back to Doc. on Wed. Hecht said I will be on shots for the next 5 days at least. Ugh- I feel crappy today :( and yesterday. Maybe its the extra hormones? Yeah- I'll blame it on that....

Exhaustion

I am so tired. Exhausted I should say. It's Friday and usually I feel pretty good but today I don't feel that swell. I want to go to sleep but I can't because I'm at work (ugh) I'm not sure why I feel this way? I got a good night's sleep last night. So maybe it's from the extra hormones? Who knows. I'm starting to feel a little more excited about this round. I'm definitely glad we are keeping it to ourselves this time. It was hard at first not to tell our Mom(s) and my closest friends/family but its getting easier. I have this blog to talk to and a Infertility message board that I belong to as well so that helps me alot. Not much to report today. I an anxious to see what my ovaries look like on Monday so I will continue then. TGIF! Hello weekend. Nice to see you again!

I Love Scott

I love Scott because he keeps saying how excited he is that we started doing injections again. I'm so happy he is happy about this. I am excited too because I think we have a great chance of success! I was reading the pamphlet on Gonal-f and the percentage rate of pregnancy for the 2nd cycle of Gonal-f is 41% I believe and it was about 28% or so with cycle #1. So lets hope my body cooperates. I am on 150IU beginning last night (CD3) until Sunday night then back to RE on Monday to check progress. I hope I'm not in alot of pain or all bruised up for my friend's wedding I am in next weekend but I won't worry about that at the moment. The shot was fine. I freaked out a tiny bit before Scott stabbed me last night but nothing like the anticipation of the first cycle I was on injections. I am getting a weird taste in my mouth though right after the injection?? I got that a few times last cycle too. It's metal tasting and not pleasant. Well, I feel better than yesterday so let's hope I can keep feeling better and staying positive!!!

Round #2 Tonight at 6pm

My new motto:
"Getting shot up to get knocked up!"
Polyp is gone. My uterus looks "boring" which is a good thing. We are clear to start round #2 Gonal-f FSH injections. I need to stay calm and positive I just don't know how to. I'm going to rely on my faith and trust God will take care of everything. I'm so so so so so so nervous. Scott said he was excited to start the shots again- that made me so happy when he said that because sometimes I don't know how he feels about all of this. He's not like me with showing emotion/feelings (what man is??) I have mixed emotions about all of this. I know I want to do this again but sometimes I can't believe what we are doing to get pregnant! And the what-ifs... Mainly, what if I miscarry again? How will I deal with that again? And if I do get pregnant I'm going to be a freak and not lift a damn finger b/c I will try to do anything I did last time I was pregnant b/c what if doing that made me miscarry (cleaning, picking up cat, laying on stomach) Of course my RE told me it was nothing I did or did not do that caused the miscarriage but still- If I am pregnant I am going to lay perfectly still on my back and not do anything besides shower and go to work and sit at my desk! LOL. I know I'm being extreme but this is how I will act I know it! OK- one day at a time. Guess I better get ready to LOVE needles again. Here we go....

My gut was half right.

Well,
I'm not pregnant and it may not be a polyp. I had the worst cramps of my life yesterday and nothing I took made them go away. I call Hecht's office and asked if my cramps could be worst due to the polyp? Nurse said yes- anything like this can make my period worse and the RE is not even 100% positive it is a polyp- it may be residual (?) and may come out with my period. I go back to RE tomorrow morning to make sure this "thing" is gone and my guess is our first shot (2nd round) will be tomorrow. I feel like complete mush today (emotionally mainly) and I have anxiety so bad! I've had it all weekend. I really want to trust God this time round. I really want to stay positive and hopeful. Scott and I are just dealing with alot of financial issues at the moment and I don't want that stress to affect my body and chances of getting and keeping this (potential) pregnancy. Ugh! I am stressed.

A polyp?

Went to RE's today. There was a small black circle in the uterus. He said it was a polyp. He said nothing to be be too too concerned about but it has to be gone before we start injections again. The he threw me for a loop when he asked me "Are your breasts tender" and "Were your breasts tender?" I said they weren't tender now but they were a little earlier in the week. Now I am confused as EVER. He made no mention as to if it could be a pregnancy (gestational sac) he just told me to call him when my period arrives. I have been thinking and researching polyps, and 4 week gestational sacs and this is what I am thinking. Either it is a small polyp and it hopefully it will be gone by the time my cycle starts so we can start our meds again. Or, I am pregnant and Dr. Hecht of course does not want to give me any false hope that I am or will stay pregnant- plus if I was pregnant he wouldn't be seeing me/taking care of me since I haven't been seeing him for treatments- I would be going to my normal midwife and that's why he didn't suggest getting any blood work or didn't mention anything about calling if I DON'T get a period. Or lastly, maybe I was pregnant and it turned into a polyp??? BUT When I did research about polyps and from what Scott told me- polyps have stalks with a bigger top (like a tree). The ultrasound picture was an exact circle. I found a picture of a sonogram of a gestational sac at four weeks- it is exactly what I saw on the screen this morning. Yes- I'm freakin out. I think I am going to buy a pregnancy test today after work. If it is negative I still know I am going to start fertility treatments again (if the "polyp" is gone) so I have something to make me feel better and fall back on.
My gut is telling me that Dr. Hecht just said polyp because he didn't want me to get excited about an extremely early possible pregnancy. I'm really trying to stay calm. (yeah right!!!)

Back to work.

Well,
I called Dr. Hecht to tell him I'm ready to get back to work. I have an appointment for Friday Sept. 14th CD28 to get a scan (u/s) to make sure no cysts are present. Then I will start injections probably on CD2 or 3- which I'm guessing will be next week sometime. I am ready, nervous, and excited all at the same time. (Besides this blog) I will NOT be discussing any of my appointments with friends or family. Not because I don't want to because believe me- I DO- but because I either want to surprise everyone this time (hopefully) or if things do not work out I don't want to feel like I'm disappointing not only myself but all my wonderful friends and family who have been in my corner hoping and praying for us since day 1. I want this to be a private matter between Scott and I because it is such a sensitive and emotional process and i want us to be there for each other first- then share whatever news we get after the cycle is through.
Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts... We can do this.

Get ready, Get set,

I've been reading the book "The Secret" and it has helped me some and I'm trying to remember it each day. I've even started re-reading it and taking notes and studying it actually. It's all about positive thinking and whatever we "think about, we bring about". I could never summarize everything in the book but I would recommend it to anyone who is thinking about reading it. There's even a movie version (if you don't like to read :))Well, our "break" is almost over. I have made myself a note to call Dr. Hecht this month- closer to when my next cycle will start because we want to try injections again. I thought this summer break was going to be relaxing and it was for a few weeks but I'm ready to give the injections one more shot. (HA- no pun intended) We aren't telling anyone when exactly we are going back to Dr. because we don't want to- it's too hard. I will continue this blog of course- but not many know about this blog because it doesn't have the happy ending I want yet...I am excited, scared, upset, anxious, and ready to go back to our Infertility Dr. I just can't imaging having another miscarriage. I just don't know how I could handle that. But- I'm not thinking about that- I'm thinking about how I got pregnant from the fertility shots the 1st time. and how hopeful we are that WILL happen again. That's what we are praying for. THINK POSITIVE, THINK POSITIVE, THINK POSITIVE!!!! I'm trying- I really am....

What a marriage is made of...

I never (ever) thought being married was difficult- until this past year. And I know exactly why I feel this way. Its the stress, strain, depression, anxiety, heartache, and feelings of failure that come with a diagnosis of infertility (not to mention the completely ruined sex life). Its really hard to get through the month sometimes. Both of us are thinking about it constantly- it really affects how we act, think and talk to one another. Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore. Being married and wanting and trying to have baby for this long is too hard for me to handle and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to go back to the days when we weren't "trying" to have a baby. But this is my reality. This is our life. This is what we have to deal with and it just sucks. Scott and I know each other too well- we know what we want- we hate that we don't have any answers- we are confused- frustrated- and holding on day by day- we try to heal each other- we try to comfort each other but some days it's the opposite. We take it out on each other- we snap- and are stubborn and feel resentment and anger towards one another. We have to work very hard to keep our marriage working some days and never in a million years would I think I would say that but then again never in a million years did I think it would take me years to get pregnant and have the family I always wanted.

Coincidence?

I got a desk calendar for a gift and each day has a different prayer or reflection on it- Here was today's

"Why do you think it's important to God that patience be growing in us? It's because God's timing is not our timing. He is always doing more than we see or know, so we have to trust Him on how long He takes to bring things to pass. God perfects and refines us before He brings us into all He has for us, and that takes time."

Lost

I can't seem to pull myself up from a second job rejection I received yesterday. It added so much to my already shitty week. I think it was such a shock to me because I just had my first interview on Monday and I thought it went really well. The interviewer even told me when the 2nd interviews were going to be held and then on Wednesday I get a "thanks, but no thanks" rejection letter??? I was in shock. I just stood there and wondered why? Why can't I accomplish anything I want and try hard for??? WHY? I know... I have a wonderful husband and family, a house, a car, my health, and somewhat of a job but I'm trying to better myself with a new career and all the rejection is making me feel even more like a failure. I tried so hard to get pregnant for 2 years and failed, now I work so hard to get a new job and fail at that too. Why should I keep trying, what is motivating me to not give up- nothing. I know I am being selfish and negative but who wouldn't be under my circumstances? I'm so tired of Scott and my closest family and friends saying "I'm sorry" when something doesn't go well for me-because I cant achieve anything I strive for. I am lost. I don't know where to go from here. I am so depressed and I cant find a single glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I need to do something- I just don't know what. I can't get thought out of my head. I am almost 26, married for 4 years, and still no baby and not even a good job. I had the chance to get hired for two great jobs at two great companies- and neither want me. How much more am I suppose to take? I don't know how much more mental abuse I can give myself. I wish I knew what to do...

Let downs

I feel like my life is just constant let downs. I feel like complete shit today. A new job, a new career I really wanted at a company I would of loved to work chose to hire another person. It was between us 2. I made it down to the final 2 and still can't catch a break! I am so damn frustrated. the two major aspects of a person's life are family and work- I can't get either! A baby means so much to me- it's all I ever knew I was sure about. I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a mom. I fail at that and now while trying to distract myself from everything pregnancy and infertility I am trying to concentrate on my career. I finally get an interview and am SO excited about the job and WHAM another disappointment, another failure. I wish I wouldn't of known it was down to me and another girl- that just makes it so much worse... I feel so horrible. I don't know how to pull myself up anymore. I cannot catch a break. I'm tired of being strong, being positive, being "fine" I'm not those things right now. I don't know what to do...

Expectations

I've come to realize through the past two years, you can't expect people to feel what you feel inside and you can expect someone "to put themselves in your shoes" when you want them to. It's hard when some one's words or actions hurt you inside but because they aren't living your life or feeling your emotions. And I don't mean words or actions that are literally hurtful- just stories, comments, situations that make Scott and I think about all the devastation we been through and what we want so much and cant seem to accomplish... Maybe this doesn't make sense to you but it does to us. Scott and I handle things differently but we both instinctively know when the other is upset and trying to hold it in. At times something is said or we are put in a situation that will spark the emotions and tears to fall later- when its just him and I, when we are alone and don't have to explain our emotions to anyone else. For example- if we have a good day and all of a sudden I start to cry and become upset, Scott knows what happened during the day to trigger that to happen because he feels it to. He just chooses to handle it different and that's OK. When you've gone through 2 years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, 1 year of infertility doctors and drugs, 2 surgeries including a D&C from a miscarriage things affect you differently. You see situations differently. You are more sensitive. Who wouldn't be??? But what's important is not expecting every family member and friend to empathize with you. Not because they're intensive or rude or forgetful. They just aren't you and aren't living your life. Scott and I know how we feel, we have each other, we are strong and weak with and for each other. Its hard for us and sometimes, I will avoid situations that I know will make me upset and I don't care if I get criticized for it because no one is me- no one has my past, my future, my heart, my mind, my emotions. I don't want to sound like my family and friends aren't supportive or sympathetic because they have been my support system since day 1. I owe so much to them for the prayers, tears, encouragement, advice and listening ears and shoulders to cry on. I have learned so much about myself, how to be strong and how to take care of myself and realize that being jealous of someone who has what we've worked so hard for is pointless. Yes, it still hurts sometimes and we will never forget but that's their life and our miracle will happen one day and it will be just as sweet, special, and life changing...

It is so true what they say- "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

Moments

It's been about a month since the D&C and I am very proud of myself. I managed to stay positive (most of the time) and not think about getting pregnant (most of the time) Ive been going out alot and I am continuing my exercising and that keeps my mind occupied which is definitely what I need but... I have my moments. Moments when reality slaps me in the face and I get a wave of anger, sadness and shock. "I can't believe I had a miscarriage" I will say to Scott all of a sudden sometimes... its still so shocking to me. Then I will think "I could of been almost 11 weeks pregnant right now" "I cant believe I was pregnant and it was just taken from me- gone- just like that" Its so damn frustrating and its just not fair. I have to stop myself right there because it drives me crazy and triggers all the pain again. I usually can pull myself out of this mind frame and once again I find strength I never knew I had left inside of me to keep on going- to accept what happened- put it in the past- and be thankful for all that i have now.

Scott has been wonderful as always... He is such a good man, husband and provider. I couldn't ask for a better partner and best friend. I think this summer is going to be our best yet. We are looking forward to all the cookouts, parties, concerts and just being together. My luck *hopefully* is changing in a professional aspect. Ive had a really good job interview and I am excited about the possible change. Doing what I do now is not helpful. I have LOTS of free time to think, think, think and the pay is no where near what I am capable of making... But I put my work life on hold because I thoughts things were going to be different. Work was definitely not my priority and now I am ready to make it my priority. I want to be busy and I want to feel like my job is important and on my level of what i know I'm capable of. i want to be challenged and busy and most of all I want a salary worthy of my skills and knowledge and potential. My fingers are crossed! This new job will be a wonderful change for me.

I hope the pieces are finally starting to fall into place for me. Pray, pray pray!!

Almost

Well, I think I can say- at least for the past few days- that I feel almost "normal" again. I think I am really letting myself be OK with not getting pregnant right now. This weekend I barely thought or talked about it. I was just worried about my weekend plans- going out and having a few drinks and it was so nice. I almost felt like I did when Scott and I were just married and not "married and trying to have a baby" I hope this continues and I am hopeful it will. I am really going to stick with exercising and losing more weight. I'm almost to my goal. I am so proud of myself for what I've accomplished so far which I can say 60% of my weight loss was from diet and exercise and the other 40% was stress, anxiety, depression and loss of appetite. But I'm ready to lose my last 10lbs the right way and I know I can do it. I am actually almost excited for bathing suit season and that hasn't happen in at least 4 years or more (I swear as soon as we said "I do"- I automatically started gaining weight- like it was part of the ceremony or something??)

I do want to mention in this blog that one thing that has helped me tremendously through this horrible ordeal (this may get a few laughs) are my pets. I know not everyone is as big of a dog/animal lover like I am but they do give me so much love and comfort exactly when I need it. I swear my dogs know when I am upset and sad- and instinctively know what to do. I know they are dogs and cant speak to me or have feeling/emotions like me but they are a huge part of my life. Its just good therapy for me when I come home from work or from an hour shopping trip and they act like I've been gone for a week straight and give me slobbery kisses like they never want me to leave again. I will never be without dogs for many reasons but I love how they can turn my bad mood completely around sometimes just by being them... I've heard that that the love for your pets transfers to your baby once you have children and that's OK with me when the time comes but for now- I'm so happy being a fur mommy!

A poet who didn't know it...

I wrote this poem in August of 2006 during the one year mark of trying to get pregnant. It was a tough milestone for us and writing it really helped.

Waiting for you…
“Relax” they say- your time is near
My Faith is diminishing and all I fear
The love and hope that always exists
Will never be transformed into a sweet kiss
I will kiss your head, face and toes
Your hands, belly, eyes, and nose.
Every inch of you will be forever adored
A patiently awaited Gift from the Lord
Your Mother and Father have created the most remarkable team
Years of undying friendship and more love than you can ever dream
We were taught good morals and to live as Jesus wants us to
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
We will combine our hearts and minds to teach you how to live
You will grow to love, trust, empathize and forgive.
The day will come when our plan will finally start
From that day forward we will never be apart
Isn’t it amazing how two bodies will become one soul
A miracle of life only under God's control
We will wait for you and continue to pray
You will arrive soon in your own special way
Makes no difference the day, month or year
What matters most is a safe journey here
When we meet you will be held in our arms and nothing will compare
For now you shall live in our hearts, dreams, thoughts and prayers
Waiting for you- a test of strength- though exhausting and extremely tough
God has chosen our paths and they will cross soon enough
Missing you so dearly, waiting to be blessed
We will do everything we can and trust God will do the rest
Get here soon!

~LJ

Closure

The D&C is over. The nurse and anesthesiologists at St. E's were so wonderful. Scott and I felt like we were taken care of really well. When I walked into the labor and delivery floor I felt so uneasy. All I kept thinking was "If I see a pregnant woman or if I hear a woman screaming in labor I'm going to just die..." But I didn't and I was so thankful. It may of been good timing or the hospital may try to prevent D&C patients from seeing reminders of what they "could of had" but either way it went as smooth as it could of gone. The only thing that upset me was the rocking chair in our room. It just sat there- empty. I didn't want to look at it and I tried to block it out of my mind but then I thought maybe some woman need that rocking chair to help them cope with the pain and loss...
"I'm so sorry for your loss" is what the nurses and staff said to us. I was taken back by this at first because some people don't think of what Scott and I went through as an actually loss of a life because we couldn't hold anything in our arms or see anything that resembled a baby in my belly. But it is a loss and I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand. The way I think about it is this... A life was created and it would of developed into a beautiful baby girl or boy if things would of turned out the way we wanted. I was pregnant and now I am not. We lost something we worked so so so hard for. Yes it was early in the pregnancy and if I hadn't been going to a specialist for almost a year now things may of been different - maybe better, maybe worse. But do i regret a single thing about the steps Scott and I have taken so far? Not for a second. Do I wish I would of done things different? A different Dr.? A different drug? A different plan? Not for a second. And it feels good not to have any regrets right now- given all we've endured and "technically" have nothing to show for it...
It did get harder when physically things started to happen but does it makes me have a small feeling of closure. Ironic how Mother's day was just a few days after the D&C and given the circumstance I think I did a good job of focusing on my Moms and not focusing too much on how- once again- I do not get the privilege of celebrating the day myself.
When I went back to the RE Monday my hcg level was down to 15 and I definitely could tell that all the pregnancy hormone was leaving me. This means the pregnancy was in my uterus and medically I am just about done with this horrible process. I will go back Friday to make sure my level is zero. I told the nurse we will be taking a much needed break over the summer. She was so understanding and sweet about it. She warned me that I may not feel like myself for a month or so because my hormones are way out of whack and gave me information on support groups and programs (in addition to the material I got from the hospital). I know it will be worse before it gets better but I don't see how I'll ever be the same inside again.

The next step

Well, I made a consult appointment with the OB/GYN doing my D&C. It is the Dr. my midwife works with and I have heard nothing but good things about him so I am glad about that. I hope I like him tomorrow when Scott and I meet him. I went to RE today. Exam, ultrasound, and MORE blood work. As far as I can tell he saw nothing on the u/s which wasn't surprising given my low hcg number. I am almost 6 weeks pregnant and RE said by this time he should be able to see a sac and possibly the baby/heartbeat and my hcg number should be in the 3000 range (give or take). My hcg # was 284. It was 268 yesterday so although it is not going down yet it seems to be leveling off. RE said we could wait to see if the number goes down before giving me the D&C but he is suggesting I don't wait because we don't know where the pregnancy is at and we need to find and take care of it asap. He is positive it is not a normal pregnancy so the sooner we find it the sooner I can get back on track.

I believe my D&C will be Thursday. So they will remove tissue from my uterus and look at it under a microscope for pregnancy tissue. If they find it and my hcg numbers decline then the pregnancy was in my uterus if not I will be given medication to basically force me to have a miscarriage as I understand it. I didn't realize this would *medically* be such a long process. I did know that emotionally and spiritually this is going to take time. Like I just told someone- right now I have bad and good hours and eventually that will turn into bad and good days. I just wish I had a fast forward button right now...

Please just be over...

Well I called RE at 10:30. My numbers still went up but it is extremely low. He said it should be 20x's higher then where its at right now. So what he does know for sure is that it's not a normal pregnancy. What he doesn't know for sure is where it's at- in my uterus or in my tube. I will be getting an ultra sound tomorrow to see if RE can see anything and I will most likely have to get a D&C within the next few days. They will be looking for pregnancy tissue in my uterus during the D&C and if they don't see anything RE said I will be given medication?? Not sure what this medication does. RE was hoping my hcg numbers were going to go down on their own and it would pass naturally but this is not the case. I guess our little bean is trying to hold on for dear life in there. I'm scared. I'm scared to get a D&C, I'm scared it's in my tube, I'm scared that there's still a possibility that it can still develop and the Dr is wrong. I want it to be over with and I want to get on with my life.

I think I am done. Done with ALL of this. I'm going to lose my last 10lbs and get my body how I want it to be. Get my confidence back and not WORRY about any of this. I just hope I can. I know I cannot possibly shield myself from everything pregnancy and babies but I need to train myself to be OK when I am around these things so they don't spark my emotions, bad memories and feelings of jealousy, failure and loss. I know I will be OK because I have the best support group a girl can ask for. Scott, my rock, best friend and constant shoulder to cry on. i couldn't get by one second without you. Mom, Jess, friends, cousins, etc... I need each and every one of you for different reasons. Thank you for your prayers, advice, listening ear, space, and support. Words cannot express the pain and devastation I feel inside but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I will be a Mom one day and I know I will make Scott "World's Greatest Dad" one day. It's just time for a break. My life has been nothing but schedules, doctor's, procedures, and waiting. I'm terrified at the next few days and what is going to take place. Hopefully it will be over soon so I can put this all behind me. I'm done beating myself up over this. I wish things were different but they're not. Again, it's the hand Scott and I were dealt. We will play it as best as we can...

Why

Its been a while since I wrote in this blog. I actually wrote other posts but have not published them yet because of the nightmare I am living now... I went in for my beta blood test on April 23rd 2007. It was positive! One of the best days of my entire life. I've waited almost 2 years for that moment and I was full of excitement, joy, and fear. We were told by Dr not to tell anyone until we see the heartbeat in a few weeks. That was a bit difficult for us because some of our close family members and closest friends knew what we were going through and some even knew what day I was getting my pregnancy test- so I had a "few" people waiting for the news.

I went back on Wednesday April 25th for more blood work to make sure my numbers were rising normally. I was told by nurse they were rising normally but they wanted to see me again on Monday for more blood work. I always had this gut feeling not to get overly excited until we knew things were completely OK. But then again I thought- I've been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for almost a year, I've been monitored so closely this month, I've been taking progesterone supplements to support the pregnancy, I had 5 potential eggs, and Ive taken every single precaution possible after my insemination- I stopped exercising, I cut off my caffeine, alcohol, and medication completely, I took my prenatal vitamins and I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. This had to work. I deserved for this to work. I worked so hard for this. Everything will be fine. But I just wouldn't rest until I knew I was OK. Then Monday April 30th came and I received the phone call that I feared the most...

My numbers weren't rising the way they should be and it probably will not be a normal pregnancy. It's either a tubal pregnancy or just not developing. I had to wait for a whole week to go back and see Dr for more blood work. "I'm sorry I wish I had better news for you" was the words that stuck out the most. I immediately felt like I was dreaming. Dreaming a nightmare. I was convinced at that point I was no longer pregnant. I told my boss I had to leave and left work. I was crying so hard when I called Scott. He didn't understand what I was saying but knew exactly what was going on. I was driving around- I felt lost. I didn't know where to go and what to do. I finally decided to head towards home and it was the longest drive home Ive ever experienced. It was surreal. I just wanted to get home and get it out- cry and scream and try to comprehend WHY this is happening. How was I supposed to get through the week? Would I have to get a D&C or would it pass naturally? Would I be at work when it passed? How am I going to get through this? How am I going to come out of this OK? Why do I have to wait a whole week? I was so upset and just pissed off. What did I do wrong? Maybe I shouldn't of lifted the cat? Maybe I shouldn't of use cleaning products? Maybe I shouldn't of vacuumed? or laid on my stomach? Who knows. The week crawled by and I finally started to feel semi- normal by Thursday. I managed to build a little bit of hope by realizing that I hadn't miscarried yet and at least me numbers weren't going down. Scott said "I refuse to believe it until it happens." My family is trying to stay positive for me but I haven't been the most uplifted person this past week. Everyone kept telling me stories and trying to find explanations to make me feel better. They didn't (And I'm sorry. I knew everyone's intentions were to make me feel better and help me to stay positive and I am thankful for that). I just wanted the week/weekend to be over so I can start dealing with something...

So here I am Monday May 7th- 5weeks 5 days pregnant waiting for the phone call- again. I got more blood work to see what my hcg number is. If its still rising and in the 1000's that's miraculous wonderful news. If it dropped at all- it's over... The Dr is not hopefully at all really. The nurse is more "on the fence" - it may be her way of softening the blow a little but either way- I need some answers.

My biggest debate now is if I do miscarry do I continue taking the fertility drug, artificial insemination, fertility specialist path? Or get my life back without thinking about getting pregnant and having babies. Yes- I want my life back and I wish it was easy for me to just give up but the life I'm going back to is not the life I want. I want a family and I want to be a mother. I just don't know how much more of this we can mentally, emotionally, physically and financially handle.

It's been rough

Well,
I can honestly say I'm either sick, pregnant, or reacting to all the meds that I've been on. I had to leave work last Wednesday at 1:30pm because I was bent over with pain, cramps and pressure. I've NEVER felt anything like that before and I just figured it was because I was ovulating with multiple eggs possibly... I called off work last Thursday- went to see RE and got some blood work done to make sure I didn't have an infection (and I didn't thank goodness). The cramping got alot better from Wednesday to Thursday. Friday I was feeling almost OK until after work. I got a "restless leg like" pain in both of my legs and could not get relief from it. We went out to eat and I kept stretching out my legs to see if that would help- it didn't. I had it all weekend and Sunday night it started to get REALLY bad. Yesterday and today the achy pain had travel to my lower back mainly and I've had a headache since waking up this morning. Now- I wouldn't be complaining so much about all of this but I have not taken any medication for these symptoms and that is the hardest part. I did take one Tylenol last Wednesday night because I couldn't take it anymore but I haven't taken anything since then (just to be safe). I started progesterone supplements on Friday so i thought that may of been the reason for the achy legs and back. I called RE today and he said it's not from the progesterone. He's not sure what it's from?? This is going to be the longest week of my life... If I knew I was dealing with all these pains for a reason I would not care one bit about dealing with them. But if I'm not pregnant I am going to seriously contemplate whether to do injectibles again or not because all of this is getting to be too much. I know there is something going on inside my body- I just hope it's what I've been praying for for 20months...

Laying eggs hurts!

So, it's done. I'm inseminated. We dropped off sperm sample at 7am this morning- Came back to the office around 7:50 and I was out of the office by 8:20. Wow- its amazingly so simple and so huge at the same time. Progesterone supplements will begin this Friday and I go back to RE's office in a "while" to get a pregnancy test. RE said I have to take progesterone supplements to balance out my high estrogen level. 40 million swimmers this round. Not a record for us but still a good number. I'm having some major pressure and pain right now- which I like because I'm a "No pain- No gain" kinda person. I'm just nervous- not nervous about having 3 or more eggs fertilized anymore, but nervous about no eggs fertilizing. Here comes the hardest part- w a i t i n g....

Decisions

How the tables can turn. It's my fault for calling my ovaries stubborn.... When I went to RE's today I did my normal procedure- blood work and ultra sound. In the middle of the ultra sound I was looking at the screen and made a comment like "wow, this doesn't look like it did when I was on Clomid" Re didn't say much in reply and I started to feel uncomfortable. Then when he was done I started to ask about taking progesterone after the IUI and neither the RE or the nurse answered me. They just said to get dressed and meet them in the nurse's office. I started to feel confused and nervous

I have 5 potential follicles. Which means in retrospect 5 potential babies. The odds are slim but I must know what I'm dealing with. With Clomid I had 2-3 potential follicles at the most- so the response with injections was much better but also much riskier. So we can either take the gamble and still do the IUI or just skip this cycle and not do IUI because of the potential of 2-5 multiples. I asked RE what he thought I should do- he said I should talk to my husband and figure out if it came down to it if "selective reduction" would be something we'd be willing to consider. (He also said in his whole career he has only seen two women have to opt for selective reduction) http://www.asrm.org/Patients/FactSheets/Multiple_Gestation-Fact.pdf This is a touchy subject, as I've just learned, among woman trying to conceive. I wouldn't want to do this unless it was absolutely medically necessary. Unless another baby's life or my life depended on it. I wouldn't do it just because I didn't want the extra work/risks/involvement of multiples. If I was able to carry 5 babies without the chance of my one of the babies or myself dying then I would carry 5 babies....Here's what else ran through my head.

I of course don't want to have 3-5 babies at once if I can help it because of all the risks involved but if I don't do this I don't want to always wonder if I had gone through with it- would it of been my month- my time- my sign? Did I pass up the chance to achieve my dream? I know I'm young, and there is supposedly nothing medically wrong with Scott and I. I also know the risks of carrying multiples for myself and for my babies but why do we make the decisions we make? Its been 18months and no sign of pregnancy what so ever.... Even with as many as 3 follicles. There no guarantee this month that all 5 follicles will release an egg and no guarantee that if 5 eggs were released that all 5 would fertilize. We decided to start infertility treatments for a reason- we've made it this far- we invested so much time, effort, energy, emotion, faith, hope, and love into this. What's meant to happen will happen. I have faith in God that whatever happens in 2 weeks whether its a negative or a positive with 1, 2 or 3 (or more...) babies- we can handle it.

So the decision was made after hours of trying to 2nd guess my gut feeling (which was always to go for it) We will do the Ovidrel injection tonight between 10-11pm then the IUI (intrauterine insemination) will be done this Wednesday morning.
http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/serono/products/ovidrel/index.jsp
I am excited and scared. I hope this is it for me. I feel like I am making the right decision and whatever happens from here is in God's hands. I am learning to trust Him again and in some odd way I feel like this may be another test for me. A test of my Faith and Trust in God to take care of me no matter what the outcome may be.

"Sandbagish"

This is how I described my ovaries to my Dr. when he asked how my ovaries were doing. He laughed and said he's going to use that word now... My follicles are progressing but progressing slowly which is not abnormal. I had 3-4 potentials on the right and 1 on the left. He said I needed a few more days. He dropped my dose back down to 150iu for tonight, Saturday and Sunday. Back to RE Monday. The RN said my IUI will be Wed at the very earliest. I am really starting to feel the effects in my lower back and in my ovaries of course- It feels extremely heavy w/ pressure and it gets worse at night (especially my back). I also told Dr. how sad it was that I dreamed about his office last night- probably from being there 3x's this week. The dream I had was with Scott and my family/friends. There was this hot tub in the house we were at and I kept telling Scott not to go in it because it would kill his sperm and he kept insisting it would be OK. I told him I was going to call the Dr. on him if he didn't listen to me! and that's all I remember. Nice- not only do I think about trying to have a baby 24/7, I dream about it now too!

Stubborn ovaries!!

Went back to RE this morning for follicle check and blood work. No potential follies on right and 2 small ones on left. I think my ovaries are stubborn- maybe because I'm a Leo? or maybe because my body doesn't respond to medication usually- any medication- not just fertility meds. I swear if Scott and I take the same kind of med- it effects him way more than it effects me... I've always thought this- I think I need more of a dose of medication based on my height and weight. Who knows??? So Dr. increased my injection dose to 225 iu for tonight and Thursday and back to RE Friday for more blood work and folly scan.

I am so sick of needles (and ultra sounds) right now you have no idea...

Not too much to report.

Injections have been going just fine. I went to RE office this morning for a follicle scan and blood work to check my estrogen level (which is a better indication of how well my body is responding to the FSH injections). On the ultra sound I had a few very small follicles on right and left side. I had one bigger follicle that was about 11mm on the right. I think they have to be around 20mm before IUI is performed. I hope I have a few more potential big follicles on Wednesday when i go back to RE office. If I don't- I'm going to feel like these injections were a waste. Ugh. I feel like crap today (and yesterday). I hope these angry/sad feelings go away soon... I usually don't get like this until the end of my cycle. Not sure what's going on with me???

Really...that was it?

My cousin (who is a RN) was gracious enough to give me the first shot because I didn't want to wait for hubby to get home from work so late. It was nothing. The anticipation was far worse. So I will continue the shots and go see RE Monday morning. Here's to a good weekend because I may be at RE's office alot next week. My 4th IUI (technically 5th because I had two in one cycle once) may be scheduled right after Easter...?

Ugh. One day at a time right?

Tonight's the night.

I went to see RE today. I had a ultra sound and no cysts were present. I was expecting him to say I will be starting the injections Friday- he threw me a curve ball and said start the injections tonight! I will take a dose of 150 IU starting tonight thru Sunday night. I go back to RE's office on Monday morning for blood work and follicle scan (ultra sound). After the results, I will be told what to do next- If I should continue the injection and/or lower the dose.

I am so damn nervous. I just want to get the first couple over with. I feel bad for Scott... because I will probably be a difficult patient for him. We watched the instructional video last night that went over everything the nurse did when we went to see her earlier in the month. One piece of good news- Dr. said there isn't as many side effects with the injections vs. Clomid. He said I won't get the mood swings or hot flashes like I did with Clomid. It is different because we are pumping the natural hormone by body produces (FSH) to produce and grow eggs.

I feel like I'm going to throw up already. It's going to be a long day...

I guess I better get over my fear of needles...

And the roller coaster continues.... Another failure. Another heartbreak. Another question. Another disappointment. I want to cry. I want to leave everything I am doing and go home and hide away. How am I supposed to be strong? When is it my turn to be a mom? When can I finally tell my husband the good news he's been waiting to hear?? When I can make my family grandparents, aunts, and uncles? What is wrong with my body? My mind? This month I thought I had a good chance because I wasn't stressed and obsessed. I was "relaxed" like everyone tells me to be. It didn't work... Now I have to face another holiday and try not to tear up when someone asks"How are you?" or when someone just knows- knows that we failed yet again and I can instinctively feel their sympathy, compassion and concern in the tight squeeze hug they give me. I've said this for the past 18 months and I will say it again- I can't do this for one more month... I don't understand why this is happening to me????

On to injections. I am nervous and upset about it. I'm not excited like I was when I began Clomid. The disappointment has gone on for way way too long. I am not hopeful ANYTHING will work at this point. This is the absolute worst experience of my life. I wouldn't wish this anguish on my worst enemy (if I had one...)

I will go to RE office tomorrow for a ultra sound to ensure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries. I believe my first injection will be Friday March 31st.

I never would have imagined my life being the way it is now....

When do I get my silver lining...

One ray of light...

Well, Here we are- almost up to date. Almost 20months after Scott and I decided it was time to start the family we always wanted.
We went over our next options with the Dr. He said we could try one more round of Clomid/IUI; or start injectible medication w/ IUI- which is stronger, more expensive, and more involved than just "taking a pill." or if we had "unlimited funds" we can move on to IVF- In vitro fertilization (which runs in the $10,000 range) where they remove my eggs- fertilize them w/ Scott's sperm and put the fertilized eggs back in . The success percentage rates for this procedure is 50% vs. 10% with IUI but the price tag is the biggest concern.
I never really considered doing another round of Clomid/IUI because it didn't work the 1st 3 times. Why and how could I be confident that it would work the 4th?? We decided to have the office check our coverage for injectible fertility medication. I was really really discouraged and unhopeful that we would be able to afford these shots. I've heard they were outrageous in price so when Dr. office called me back and said "You have awesome insurance. I rarely see this kind of coverage but all you will have to pay is a small copay - no matter what amount of meds you order." That was such good news but could I/did I want to do this?" Although I knew we could afford to do the injectible treatments I still felt like it was a bitter/sweet situation. I just couldn't believe it has come to this. Giving myself injections to try and get pregnant?!
How do women just get pregnant? How was it that easy? Why are there so many mistreated, abused and neglected babies? Why? Am I not deserving of a baby? Am I being punished for some reason? Why? Why me?
We ordered the new medication and will start the treatments next month. We will be taking a FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) called Gonal-f RFF Pen. http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/serono/products/gonalf/pen/index.jsp
What is does is it creates more follicles (eggs) in my body so there is a better chance for one of them to get fertilized- with risks of course- like having multiples (just like Clomid). We will do these injections in conjunction with a IUI. RE said the success rate rises to 20% with injectibles vs. clomid (pill).
Scott and I took a class on how to use the Gonal Pen. It seems easy but I don't think i can stab myself with a needle... So Scott will be doing it- Yikes!
It will be injected it in the f-a-t part of my stomach around my belly button and I will use it everynight starting on cycle day 3 up to cycle day 13- depending on how fast my follicles are responding.

Well, that's all for now. I will be updating this blog as we keep going down this treacherous path... This blog will one day turn into a pregnancy (or adoption) blog. One day this will be all worth it. One day Scott and I will get to our goal of becoming parents and finally hold our long awaited miracle in our arms. For now we will continue to hope, pray, and wait for that one day to arrive.

Bowel Prep is not fun.

After our 3rd failed insemination we sat down with Dr. Hecht again. We both agreed it was time to schedule the laparoscopy surgery for myself before we dive into more expensive fertility treatments. Since Dr. Hecht stopped doing surgeries and my nurse/midwife couldn't perform surgery either, we went to Dr. Hecht's referral surgeon from Cleveland Clinic- Dr. Goldberg. We scheduled a consult with him and told him our situations, what we've been through already and our concerns with the possibility of scar tissue blocking/preventing fertilization to occur. He agreed the surgery was needed at this point. The surgery was finally scheduled for 3/2/07.
If you know me at all you know I am a worrier. A huge what if worrier. I was so scared but so anxious to maybe get some question answered. This sounds bad but I was hoping the surgeon was going to find the issue- remove it- and say "I found out the reason you haven't got pregnant for the past 17months and it's all taken care of and you should have no problem trying to get pregnant now..."
The Thursday before the surgery I was on a clear liquid diet all day and had to drink 2 bottles of "Fleet's Phosphor-soda" in the evening for my bowel prep. If not eating all day wasn't bad enough... I couldn't stomach the taste of this nasty saline laxative solution. I got the first bottle down and maybe 1/3 of the 2nd. I felt like I was on the t.v. show Fear Factor. Well....Fleet's definitely did its job and I can say now this was the absolute worst part of the surgery- well maybe 2nd worst.
The next day I pretty much was exhausted and literately 2.5 lbs lighter. I didn't get really nervous and freaked out until they walked me into the O.R. (that was the worst part for me) I would of rather not seen all the lights, contraptions, and medical stuff. They told me to untie my gown and lie down on the table- then they stuck this big sticker on my back and all I thought was "Oh Geez... What the hell was that? The sticker to identify my body in case I die" (I later found out from cousin nurse Jenn- it was my ground wire so I didn't get electrocuted due to a cutlery instrument they were using- nice...) I kept my mouth shut laid down and started to cry and hyperventilate. One of the women who was in the room was kindly trying to calm me down- and holding my hand. She said goodnight and I went numb in an instant. Then I woke up.
The first question I asked was "How long was I in surgery" Because I knew it was going to take about 20mins if everything looked good and longer depending on what they found and what they had to do to correct it. Someone told me 45mins. I went into recovery. Saw Scott and my Mom. I had 3 small incisions. I felt O.K. I think I laid there for about an hour or less and we went home. It was hard to use my stomach muscles and I laid in bed most of the day for 2 days after. I was sore for 7-10 days after. We scheduled a consult with Dr. Hecht to go over the report from Dr. Golberg. This is what he said.
2 small adhesions were found. One of those adhesions was no where in the vicinity of my ovaries and uterus. The other adhesion was on my left ovary and Dr. Goldberg freed it. So the findings were almost normal. No significant scar tissue; no endometriosis. But now we know...
http://www.medicinenet.com/endometriosis/article.htm
I silently started go back into panic mode. We've done virtually every test possible, Your telling me I actually have to accept the fact that I can't get pregnant and no one knows why??? As we went through our next steps/options I felt like I was going to get sick. Why is this happening to us? I am tired. I want to quit everything- the Dr. visits, the treatments, the worrying, the depression, the aggravation, the anxiety and the trying... But something is not letting me quit. I don't know why.