Please just be over...

Well I called RE at 10:30. My numbers still went up but it is extremely low. He said it should be 20x's higher then where its at right now. So what he does know for sure is that it's not a normal pregnancy. What he doesn't know for sure is where it's at- in my uterus or in my tube. I will be getting an ultra sound tomorrow to see if RE can see anything and I will most likely have to get a D&C within the next few days. They will be looking for pregnancy tissue in my uterus during the D&C and if they don't see anything RE said I will be given medication?? Not sure what this medication does. RE was hoping my hcg numbers were going to go down on their own and it would pass naturally but this is not the case. I guess our little bean is trying to hold on for dear life in there. I'm scared. I'm scared to get a D&C, I'm scared it's in my tube, I'm scared that there's still a possibility that it can still develop and the Dr is wrong. I want it to be over with and I want to get on with my life.

I think I am done. Done with ALL of this. I'm going to lose my last 10lbs and get my body how I want it to be. Get my confidence back and not WORRY about any of this. I just hope I can. I know I cannot possibly shield myself from everything pregnancy and babies but I need to train myself to be OK when I am around these things so they don't spark my emotions, bad memories and feelings of jealousy, failure and loss. I know I will be OK because I have the best support group a girl can ask for. Scott, my rock, best friend and constant shoulder to cry on. i couldn't get by one second without you. Mom, Jess, friends, cousins, etc... I need each and every one of you for different reasons. Thank you for your prayers, advice, listening ear, space, and support. Words cannot express the pain and devastation I feel inside but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I will be a Mom one day and I know I will make Scott "World's Greatest Dad" one day. It's just time for a break. My life has been nothing but schedules, doctor's, procedures, and waiting. I'm terrified at the next few days and what is going to take place. Hopefully it will be over soon so I can put this all behind me. I'm done beating myself up over this. I wish things were different but they're not. Again, it's the hand Scott and I were dealt. We will play it as best as we can...