Why

Its been a while since I wrote in this blog. I actually wrote other posts but have not published them yet because of the nightmare I am living now... I went in for my beta blood test on April 23rd 2007. It was positive! One of the best days of my entire life. I've waited almost 2 years for that moment and I was full of excitement, joy, and fear. We were told by Dr not to tell anyone until we see the heartbeat in a few weeks. That was a bit difficult for us because some of our close family members and closest friends knew what we were going through and some even knew what day I was getting my pregnancy test- so I had a "few" people waiting for the news.

I went back on Wednesday April 25th for more blood work to make sure my numbers were rising normally. I was told by nurse they were rising normally but they wanted to see me again on Monday for more blood work. I always had this gut feeling not to get overly excited until we knew things were completely OK. But then again I thought- I've been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for almost a year, I've been monitored so closely this month, I've been taking progesterone supplements to support the pregnancy, I had 5 potential eggs, and Ive taken every single precaution possible after my insemination- I stopped exercising, I cut off my caffeine, alcohol, and medication completely, I took my prenatal vitamins and I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. This had to work. I deserved for this to work. I worked so hard for this. Everything will be fine. But I just wouldn't rest until I knew I was OK. Then Monday April 30th came and I received the phone call that I feared the most...

My numbers weren't rising the way they should be and it probably will not be a normal pregnancy. It's either a tubal pregnancy or just not developing. I had to wait for a whole week to go back and see Dr for more blood work. "I'm sorry I wish I had better news for you" was the words that stuck out the most. I immediately felt like I was dreaming. Dreaming a nightmare. I was convinced at that point I was no longer pregnant. I told my boss I had to leave and left work. I was crying so hard when I called Scott. He didn't understand what I was saying but knew exactly what was going on. I was driving around- I felt lost. I didn't know where to go and what to do. I finally decided to head towards home and it was the longest drive home Ive ever experienced. It was surreal. I just wanted to get home and get it out- cry and scream and try to comprehend WHY this is happening. How was I supposed to get through the week? Would I have to get a D&C or would it pass naturally? Would I be at work when it passed? How am I going to get through this? How am I going to come out of this OK? Why do I have to wait a whole week? I was so upset and just pissed off. What did I do wrong? Maybe I shouldn't of lifted the cat? Maybe I shouldn't of use cleaning products? Maybe I shouldn't of vacuumed? or laid on my stomach? Who knows. The week crawled by and I finally started to feel semi- normal by Thursday. I managed to build a little bit of hope by realizing that I hadn't miscarried yet and at least me numbers weren't going down. Scott said "I refuse to believe it until it happens." My family is trying to stay positive for me but I haven't been the most uplifted person this past week. Everyone kept telling me stories and trying to find explanations to make me feel better. They didn't (And I'm sorry. I knew everyone's intentions were to make me feel better and help me to stay positive and I am thankful for that). I just wanted the week/weekend to be over so I can start dealing with something...

So here I am Monday May 7th- 5weeks 5 days pregnant waiting for the phone call- again. I got more blood work to see what my hcg number is. If its still rising and in the 1000's that's miraculous wonderful news. If it dropped at all- it's over... The Dr is not hopefully at all really. The nurse is more "on the fence" - it may be her way of softening the blow a little but either way- I need some answers.

My biggest debate now is if I do miscarry do I continue taking the fertility drug, artificial insemination, fertility specialist path? Or get my life back without thinking about getting pregnant and having babies. Yes- I want my life back and I wish it was easy for me to just give up but the life I'm going back to is not the life I want. I want a family and I want to be a mother. I just don't know how much more of this we can mentally, emotionally, physically and financially handle.