Well, I think I can say- at least for the past few days- that I feel almost "normal" again. I think I am really letting myself be OK with not getting pregnant right now. This weekend I barely thought or talked about it. I was just worried about my weekend plans- going out and having a few drinks and it was so nice. I almost felt like I did when Scott and I were just married and not "married and trying to have a baby" I hope this continues and I am hopeful it will. I am really going to stick with exercising and losing more weight. I'm almost to my goal. I am so proud of myself for what I've accomplished so far which I can say 60% of my weight loss was from diet and exercise and the other 40% was stress, anxiety, depression and loss of appetite. But I'm ready to lose my last 10lbs the right way and I know I can do it. I am actually almost excited for bathing suit season and that hasn't happen in at least 4 years or more (I swear as soon as we said "I do"- I automatically started gaining weight- like it was part of the ceremony or something??)
I do want to mention in this blog that one thing that has helped me tremendously through this horrible ordeal (this may get a few laughs) are my pets. I know not everyone is as big of a dog/animal lover like I am but they do give me so much love and comfort exactly when I need it. I swear my dogs know when I am upset and sad- and instinctively know what to do. I know they are dogs and cant speak to me or have feeling/emotions like me but they are a huge part of my life. Its just good therapy for me when I come home from work or from an hour shopping trip and they act like I've been gone for a week straight and give me slobbery kisses like they never want me to leave again. I will never be without dogs for many reasons but I love how they can turn my bad mood completely around sometimes just by being them... I've heard that that the love for your pets transfers to your baby once you have children and that's OK with me when the time comes but for now- I'm so happy being a fur mommy!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
A poet who didn't know it...
I wrote this poem in August of 2006 during the one year mark of trying to get pregnant. It was a tough milestone for us and writing it really helped.
Waiting for you…
“Relax” they say- your time is near
My Faith is diminishing and all I fear
The love and hope that always exists
Will never be transformed into a sweet kiss
I will kiss your head, face and toes
Your hands, belly, eyes, and nose.
Every inch of you will be forever adored
A patiently awaited Gift from the Lord
Your Mother and Father have created the most remarkable team
Years of undying friendship and more love than you can ever dream
We were taught good morals and to live as Jesus wants us to
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
We will combine our hearts and minds to teach you how to live
You will grow to love, trust, empathize and forgive.
The day will come when our plan will finally start
From that day forward we will never be apart
Isn’t it amazing how two bodies will become one soul
A miracle of life only under God's control
We will wait for you and continue to pray
You will arrive soon in your own special way
Makes no difference the day, month or year
What matters most is a safe journey here
When we meet you will be held in our arms and nothing will compare
For now you shall live in our hearts, dreams, thoughts and prayers
Waiting for you- a test of strength- though exhausting and extremely tough
God has chosen our paths and they will cross soon enough
Missing you so dearly, waiting to be blessed
We will do everything we can and trust God will do the rest
Get here soon!
“Relax” they say- your time is near
My Faith is diminishing and all I fear
The love and hope that always exists
Will never be transformed into a sweet kiss
I will kiss your head, face and toes
Your hands, belly, eyes, and nose.
Every inch of you will be forever adored
A patiently awaited Gift from the Lord
Your Mother and Father have created the most remarkable team
Years of undying friendship and more love than you can ever dream
We were taught good morals and to live as Jesus wants us to
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
We will combine our hearts and minds to teach you how to live
You will grow to love, trust, empathize and forgive.
The day will come when our plan will finally start
From that day forward we will never be apart
Isn’t it amazing how two bodies will become one soul
A miracle of life only under God's control
We will wait for you and continue to pray
You will arrive soon in your own special way
Makes no difference the day, month or year
What matters most is a safe journey here
When we meet you will be held in our arms and nothing will compare
For now you shall live in our hearts, dreams, thoughts and prayers
Waiting for you- a test of strength- though exhausting and extremely tough
God has chosen our paths and they will cross soon enough
Missing you so dearly, waiting to be blessed
We will do everything we can and trust God will do the rest
Get here soon!
~LJ
Closure
The D&C is over. The nurse and anesthesiologists at St. E's were so wonderful. Scott and I felt like we were taken care of really well. When I walked into the labor and delivery floor I felt so uneasy. All I kept thinking was "If I see a pregnant woman or if I hear a woman screaming in labor I'm going to just die..." But I didn't and I was so thankful. It may of been good timing or the hospital may try to prevent D&C patients from seeing reminders of what they "could of had" but either way it went as smooth as it could of gone. The only thing that upset me was the rocking chair in our room. It just sat there- empty. I didn't want to look at it and I tried to block it out of my mind but then I thought maybe some woman need that rocking chair to help them cope with the pain and loss...
"I'm so sorry for your loss" is what the nurses and staff said to us. I was taken back by this at first because some people don't think of what Scott and I went through as an actually loss of a life because we couldn't hold anything in our arms or see anything that resembled a baby in my belly. But it is a loss and I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand. The way I think about it is this... A life was created and it would of developed into a beautiful baby girl or boy if things would of turned out the way we wanted. I was pregnant and now I am not. We lost something we worked so so so hard for. Yes it was early in the pregnancy and if I hadn't been going to a specialist for almost a year now things may of been different - maybe better, maybe worse. But do i regret a single thing about the steps Scott and I have taken so far? Not for a second. Do I wish I would of done things different? A different Dr.? A different drug? A different plan? Not for a second. And it feels good not to have any regrets right now- given all we've endured and "technically" have nothing to show for it...
It did get harder when physically things started to happen but does it makes me have a small feeling of closure. Ironic how Mother's day was just a few days after the D&C and given the circumstance I think I did a good job of focusing on my Moms and not focusing too much on how- once again- I do not get the privilege of celebrating the day myself.
When I went back to the RE Monday my hcg level was down to 15 and I definitely could tell that all the pregnancy hormone was leaving me. This means the pregnancy was in my uterus and medically I am just about done with this horrible process. I will go back Friday to make sure my level is zero. I told the nurse we will be taking a much needed break over the summer. She was so understanding and sweet about it. She warned me that I may not feel like myself for a month or so because my hormones are way out of whack and gave me information on support groups and programs (in addition to the material I got from the hospital). I know it will be worse before it gets better but I don't see how I'll ever be the same inside again.
"I'm so sorry for your loss" is what the nurses and staff said to us. I was taken back by this at first because some people don't think of what Scott and I went through as an actually loss of a life because we couldn't hold anything in our arms or see anything that resembled a baby in my belly. But it is a loss and I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand. The way I think about it is this... A life was created and it would of developed into a beautiful baby girl or boy if things would of turned out the way we wanted. I was pregnant and now I am not. We lost something we worked so so so hard for. Yes it was early in the pregnancy and if I hadn't been going to a specialist for almost a year now things may of been different - maybe better, maybe worse. But do i regret a single thing about the steps Scott and I have taken so far? Not for a second. Do I wish I would of done things different? A different Dr.? A different drug? A different plan? Not for a second. And it feels good not to have any regrets right now- given all we've endured and "technically" have nothing to show for it...
It did get harder when physically things started to happen but does it makes me have a small feeling of closure. Ironic how Mother's day was just a few days after the D&C and given the circumstance I think I did a good job of focusing on my Moms and not focusing too much on how- once again- I do not get the privilege of celebrating the day myself.
When I went back to the RE Monday my hcg level was down to 15 and I definitely could tell that all the pregnancy hormone was leaving me. This means the pregnancy was in my uterus and medically I am just about done with this horrible process. I will go back Friday to make sure my level is zero. I told the nurse we will be taking a much needed break over the summer. She was so understanding and sweet about it. She warned me that I may not feel like myself for a month or so because my hormones are way out of whack and gave me information on support groups and programs (in addition to the material I got from the hospital). I know it will be worse before it gets better but I don't see how I'll ever be the same inside again.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
The next step
Well, I made a consult appointment with the OB/GYN doing my D&C. It is the Dr. my midwife works with and I have heard nothing but good things about him so I am glad about that. I hope I like him tomorrow when Scott and I meet him. I went to RE today. Exam, ultrasound, and MORE blood work. As far as I can tell he saw nothing on the u/s which wasn't surprising given my low hcg number. I am almost 6 weeks pregnant and RE said by this time he should be able to see a sac and possibly the baby/heartbeat and my hcg number should be in the 3000 range (give or take). My hcg # was 284. It was 268 yesterday so although it is not going down yet it seems to be leveling off. RE said we could wait to see if the number goes down before giving me the D&C but he is suggesting I don't wait because we don't know where the pregnancy is at and we need to find and take care of it asap. He is positive it is not a normal pregnancy so the sooner we find it the sooner I can get back on track.
I believe my D&C will be Thursday. So they will remove tissue from my uterus and look at it under a microscope for pregnancy tissue. If they find it and my hcg numbers decline then the pregnancy was in my uterus if not I will be given medication to basically force me to have a miscarriage as I understand it. I didn't realize this would *medically* be such a long process. I did know that emotionally and spiritually this is going to take time. Like I just told someone- right now I have bad and good hours and eventually that will turn into bad and good days. I just wish I had a fast forward button right now...
I believe my D&C will be Thursday. So they will remove tissue from my uterus and look at it under a microscope for pregnancy tissue. If they find it and my hcg numbers decline then the pregnancy was in my uterus if not I will be given medication to basically force me to have a miscarriage as I understand it. I didn't realize this would *medically* be such a long process. I did know that emotionally and spiritually this is going to take time. Like I just told someone- right now I have bad and good hours and eventually that will turn into bad and good days. I just wish I had a fast forward button right now...
Monday, May 7, 2007
Please just be over...
Well I called RE at 10:30. My numbers still went up but it is extremely low. He said it should be 20x's higher then where its at right now. So what he does know for sure is that it's not a normal pregnancy. What he doesn't know for sure is where it's at- in my uterus or in my tube. I will be getting an ultra sound tomorrow to see if RE can see anything and I will most likely have to get a D&C within the next few days. They will be looking for pregnancy tissue in my uterus during the D&C and if they don't see anything RE said I will be given medication?? Not sure what this medication does. RE was hoping my hcg numbers were going to go down on their own and it would pass naturally but this is not the case. I guess our little bean is trying to hold on for dear life in there. I'm scared. I'm scared to get a D&C, I'm scared it's in my tube, I'm scared that there's still a possibility that it can still develop and the Dr is wrong. I want it to be over with and I want to get on with my life.
I think I am done. Done with ALL of this. I'm going to lose my last 10lbs and get my body how I want it to be. Get my confidence back and not WORRY about any of this. I just hope I can. I know I cannot possibly shield myself from everything pregnancy and babies but I need to train myself to be OK when I am around these things so they don't spark my emotions, bad memories and feelings of jealousy, failure and loss. I know I will be OK because I have the best support group a girl can ask for. Scott, my rock, best friend and constant shoulder to cry on. i couldn't get by one second without you. Mom, Jess, friends, cousins, etc... I need each and every one of you for different reasons. Thank you for your prayers, advice, listening ear, space, and support. Words cannot express the pain and devastation I feel inside but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I will be a Mom one day and I know I will make Scott "World's Greatest Dad" one day. It's just time for a break. My life has been nothing but schedules, doctor's, procedures, and waiting. I'm terrified at the next few days and what is going to take place. Hopefully it will be over soon so I can put this all behind me. I'm done beating myself up over this. I wish things were different but they're not. Again, it's the hand Scott and I were dealt. We will play it as best as we can...
I think I am done. Done with ALL of this. I'm going to lose my last 10lbs and get my body how I want it to be. Get my confidence back and not WORRY about any of this. I just hope I can. I know I cannot possibly shield myself from everything pregnancy and babies but I need to train myself to be OK when I am around these things so they don't spark my emotions, bad memories and feelings of jealousy, failure and loss. I know I will be OK because I have the best support group a girl can ask for. Scott, my rock, best friend and constant shoulder to cry on. i couldn't get by one second without you. Mom, Jess, friends, cousins, etc... I need each and every one of you for different reasons. Thank you for your prayers, advice, listening ear, space, and support. Words cannot express the pain and devastation I feel inside but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I will be a Mom one day and I know I will make Scott "World's Greatest Dad" one day. It's just time for a break. My life has been nothing but schedules, doctor's, procedures, and waiting. I'm terrified at the next few days and what is going to take place. Hopefully it will be over soon so I can put this all behind me. I'm done beating myself up over this. I wish things were different but they're not. Again, it's the hand Scott and I were dealt. We will play it as best as we can...
Why
Its been a while since I wrote in this blog. I actually wrote other posts but have not published them yet because of the nightmare I am living now... I went in for my beta blood test on April 23rd 2007. It was positive! One of the best days of my entire life. I've waited almost 2 years for that moment and I was full of excitement, joy, and fear. We were told by Dr not to tell anyone until we see the heartbeat in a few weeks. That was a bit difficult for us because some of our close family members and closest friends knew what we were going through and some even knew what day I was getting my pregnancy test- so I had a "few" people waiting for the news.
I went back on Wednesday April 25th for more blood work to make sure my numbers were rising normally. I was told by nurse they were rising normally but they wanted to see me again on Monday for more blood work. I always had this gut feeling not to get overly excited until we knew things were completely OK. But then again I thought- I've been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for almost a year, I've been monitored so closely this month, I've been taking progesterone supplements to support the pregnancy, I had 5 potential eggs, and Ive taken every single precaution possible after my insemination- I stopped exercising, I cut off my caffeine, alcohol, and medication completely, I took my prenatal vitamins and I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. This had to work. I deserved for this to work. I worked so hard for this. Everything will be fine. But I just wouldn't rest until I knew I was OK. Then Monday April 30th came and I received the phone call that I feared the most...
My numbers weren't rising the way they should be and it probably will not be a normal pregnancy. It's either a tubal pregnancy or just not developing. I had to wait for a whole week to go back and see Dr for more blood work. "I'm sorry I wish I had better news for you" was the words that stuck out the most. I immediately felt like I was dreaming. Dreaming a nightmare. I was convinced at that point I was no longer pregnant. I told my boss I had to leave and left work. I was crying so hard when I called Scott. He didn't understand what I was saying but knew exactly what was going on. I was driving around- I felt lost. I didn't know where to go and what to do. I finally decided to head towards home and it was the longest drive home Ive ever experienced. It was surreal. I just wanted to get home and get it out- cry and scream and try to comprehend WHY this is happening. How was I supposed to get through the week? Would I have to get a D&C or would it pass naturally? Would I be at work when it passed? How am I going to get through this? How am I going to come out of this OK? Why do I have to wait a whole week? I was so upset and just pissed off. What did I do wrong? Maybe I shouldn't of lifted the cat? Maybe I shouldn't of use cleaning products? Maybe I shouldn't of vacuumed? or laid on my stomach? Who knows. The week crawled by and I finally started to feel semi- normal by Thursday. I managed to build a little bit of hope by realizing that I hadn't miscarried yet and at least me numbers weren't going down. Scott said "I refuse to believe it until it happens." My family is trying to stay positive for me but I haven't been the most uplifted person this past week. Everyone kept telling me stories and trying to find explanations to make me feel better. They didn't (And I'm sorry. I knew everyone's intentions were to make me feel better and help me to stay positive and I am thankful for that). I just wanted the week/weekend to be over so I can start dealing with something...
So here I am Monday May 7th- 5weeks 5 days pregnant waiting for the phone call- again. I got more blood work to see what my hcg number is. If its still rising and in the 1000's that's miraculous wonderful news. If it dropped at all- it's over... The Dr is not hopefully at all really. The nurse is more "on the fence" - it may be her way of softening the blow a little but either way- I need some answers.
My biggest debate now is if I do miscarry do I continue taking the fertility drug, artificial insemination, fertility specialist path? Or get my life back without thinking about getting pregnant and having babies. Yes- I want my life back and I wish it was easy for me to just give up but the life I'm going back to is not the life I want. I want a family and I want to be a mother. I just don't know how much more of this we can mentally, emotionally, physically and financially handle.
I went back on Wednesday April 25th for more blood work to make sure my numbers were rising normally. I was told by nurse they were rising normally but they wanted to see me again on Monday for more blood work. I always had this gut feeling not to get overly excited until we knew things were completely OK. But then again I thought- I've been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist for almost a year, I've been monitored so closely this month, I've been taking progesterone supplements to support the pregnancy, I had 5 potential eggs, and Ive taken every single precaution possible after my insemination- I stopped exercising, I cut off my caffeine, alcohol, and medication completely, I took my prenatal vitamins and I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. This had to work. I deserved for this to work. I worked so hard for this. Everything will be fine. But I just wouldn't rest until I knew I was OK. Then Monday April 30th came and I received the phone call that I feared the most...
My numbers weren't rising the way they should be and it probably will not be a normal pregnancy. It's either a tubal pregnancy or just not developing. I had to wait for a whole week to go back and see Dr for more blood work. "I'm sorry I wish I had better news for you" was the words that stuck out the most. I immediately felt like I was dreaming. Dreaming a nightmare. I was convinced at that point I was no longer pregnant. I told my boss I had to leave and left work. I was crying so hard when I called Scott. He didn't understand what I was saying but knew exactly what was going on. I was driving around- I felt lost. I didn't know where to go and what to do. I finally decided to head towards home and it was the longest drive home Ive ever experienced. It was surreal. I just wanted to get home and get it out- cry and scream and try to comprehend WHY this is happening. How was I supposed to get through the week? Would I have to get a D&C or would it pass naturally? Would I be at work when it passed? How am I going to get through this? How am I going to come out of this OK? Why do I have to wait a whole week? I was so upset and just pissed off. What did I do wrong? Maybe I shouldn't of lifted the cat? Maybe I shouldn't of use cleaning products? Maybe I shouldn't of vacuumed? or laid on my stomach? Who knows. The week crawled by and I finally started to feel semi- normal by Thursday. I managed to build a little bit of hope by realizing that I hadn't miscarried yet and at least me numbers weren't going down. Scott said "I refuse to believe it until it happens." My family is trying to stay positive for me but I haven't been the most uplifted person this past week. Everyone kept telling me stories and trying to find explanations to make me feel better. They didn't (And I'm sorry. I knew everyone's intentions were to make me feel better and help me to stay positive and I am thankful for that). I just wanted the week/weekend to be over so I can start dealing with something...
So here I am Monday May 7th- 5weeks 5 days pregnant waiting for the phone call- again. I got more blood work to see what my hcg number is. If its still rising and in the 1000's that's miraculous wonderful news. If it dropped at all- it's over... The Dr is not hopefully at all really. The nurse is more "on the fence" - it may be her way of softening the blow a little but either way- I need some answers.
My biggest debate now is if I do miscarry do I continue taking the fertility drug, artificial insemination, fertility specialist path? Or get my life back without thinking about getting pregnant and having babies. Yes- I want my life back and I wish it was easy for me to just give up but the life I'm going back to is not the life I want. I want a family and I want to be a mother. I just don't know how much more of this we can mentally, emotionally, physically and financially handle.
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