My cousin (who is a RN) was gracious enough to give me the first shot because I didn't want to wait for hubby to get home from work so late. It was nothing. The anticipation was far worse. So I will continue the shots and go see RE Monday morning. Here's to a good weekend because I may be at RE's office alot next week. My 4th IUI (technically 5th because I had two in one cycle once) may be scheduled right after Easter...?
Ugh. One day at a time right?
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tonight's the night.
I went to see RE today. I had a ultra sound and no cysts were present. I was expecting him to say I will be starting the injections Friday- he threw me a curve ball and said start the injections tonight! I will take a dose of 150 IU starting tonight thru Sunday night. I go back to RE's office on Monday morning for blood work and follicle scan (ultra sound). After the results, I will be told what to do next- If I should continue the injection and/or lower the dose.
I am so damn nervous. I just want to get the first couple over with. I feel bad for Scott... because I will probably be a difficult patient for him. We watched the instructional video last night that went over everything the nurse did when we went to see her earlier in the month. One piece of good news- Dr. said there isn't as many side effects with the injections vs. Clomid. He said I won't get the mood swings or hot flashes like I did with Clomid. It is different because we are pumping the natural hormone by body produces (FSH) to produce and grow eggs.
I feel like I'm going to throw up already. It's going to be a long day...
I am so damn nervous. I just want to get the first couple over with. I feel bad for Scott... because I will probably be a difficult patient for him. We watched the instructional video last night that went over everything the nurse did when we went to see her earlier in the month. One piece of good news- Dr. said there isn't as many side effects with the injections vs. Clomid. He said I won't get the mood swings or hot flashes like I did with Clomid. It is different because we are pumping the natural hormone by body produces (FSH) to produce and grow eggs.
I feel like I'm going to throw up already. It's going to be a long day...
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I guess I better get over my fear of needles...
And the roller coaster continues.... Another failure. Another heartbreak. Another question. Another disappointment. I want to cry. I want to leave everything I am doing and go home and hide away. How am I supposed to be strong? When is it my turn to be a mom? When can I finally tell my husband the good news he's been waiting to hear?? When I can make my family grandparents, aunts, and uncles? What is wrong with my body? My mind? This month I thought I had a good chance because I wasn't stressed and obsessed. I was "relaxed" like everyone tells me to be. It didn't work... Now I have to face another holiday and try not to tear up when someone asks"How are you?" or when someone just knows- knows that we failed yet again and I can instinctively feel their sympathy, compassion and concern in the tight squeeze hug they give me. I've said this for the past 18 months and I will say it again- I can't do this for one more month... I don't understand why this is happening to me????
On to injections. I am nervous and upset about it. I'm not excited like I was when I began Clomid. The disappointment has gone on for way way too long. I am not hopeful ANYTHING will work at this point. This is the absolute worst experience of my life. I wouldn't wish this anguish on my worst enemy (if I had one...)
I will go to RE office tomorrow for a ultra sound to ensure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries. I believe my first injection will be Friday March 31st.
I never would have imagined my life being the way it is now....
When do I get my silver lining...
On to injections. I am nervous and upset about it. I'm not excited like I was when I began Clomid. The disappointment has gone on for way way too long. I am not hopeful ANYTHING will work at this point. This is the absolute worst experience of my life. I wouldn't wish this anguish on my worst enemy (if I had one...)
I will go to RE office tomorrow for a ultra sound to ensure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries. I believe my first injection will be Friday March 31st.
I never would have imagined my life being the way it is now....
When do I get my silver lining...
Thursday, March 22, 2007
One ray of light...
Well, Here we are- almost up to date. Almost 20months after Scott and I decided it was time to start the family we always wanted.
We went over our next options with the Dr. He said we could try one more round of Clomid/IUI; or start injectible medication w/ IUI- which is stronger, more expensive, and more involved than just "taking a pill." or if we had "unlimited funds" we can move on to IVF- In vitro fertilization (which runs in the $10,000 range) where they remove my eggs- fertilize them w/ Scott's sperm and put the fertilized eggs back in . The success percentage rates for this procedure is 50% vs. 10% with IUI but the price tag is the biggest concern.
I never really considered doing another round of Clomid/IUI because it didn't work the 1st 3 times. Why and how could I be confident that it would work the 4th?? We decided to have the office check our coverage for injectible fertility medication. I was really really discouraged and unhopeful that we would be able to afford these shots. I've heard they were outrageous in price so when Dr. office called me back and said "You have awesome insurance. I rarely see this kind of coverage but all you will have to pay is a small copay - no matter what amount of meds you order." That was such good news but could I/did I want to do this?" Although I knew we could afford to do the injectible treatments I still felt like it was a bitter/sweet situation. I just couldn't believe it has come to this. Giving myself injections to try and get pregnant?!
How do women just get pregnant? How was it that easy? Why are there so many mistreated, abused and neglected babies? Why? Am I not deserving of a baby? Am I being punished for some reason? Why? Why me?
We ordered the new medication and will start the treatments next month. We will be taking a FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) called Gonal-f RFF Pen. http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/serono/products/gonalf/pen/index.jsp
What is does is it creates more follicles (eggs) in my body so there is a better chance for one of them to get fertilized- with risks of course- like having multiples (just like Clomid). We will do these injections in conjunction with a IUI. RE said the success rate rises to 20% with injectibles vs. clomid (pill).
Scott and I took a class on how to use the Gonal Pen. It seems easy but I don't think i can stab myself with a needle... So Scott will be doing it- Yikes!
It will be injected it in the f-a-t part of my stomach around my belly button and I will use it everynight starting on cycle day 3 up to cycle day 13- depending on how fast my follicles are responding.
Well, that's all for now. I will be updating this blog as we keep going down this treacherous path... This blog will one day turn into a pregnancy (or adoption) blog. One day this will be all worth it. One day Scott and I will get to our goal of becoming parents and finally hold our long awaited miracle in our arms. For now we will continue to hope, pray, and wait for that one day to arrive.
We went over our next options with the Dr. He said we could try one more round of Clomid/IUI; or start injectible medication w/ IUI- which is stronger, more expensive, and more involved than just "taking a pill." or if we had "unlimited funds" we can move on to IVF- In vitro fertilization (which runs in the $10,000 range) where they remove my eggs- fertilize them w/ Scott's sperm and put the fertilized eggs back in . The success percentage rates for this procedure is 50% vs. 10% with IUI but the price tag is the biggest concern.
I never really considered doing another round of Clomid/IUI because it didn't work the 1st 3 times. Why and how could I be confident that it would work the 4th?? We decided to have the office check our coverage for injectible fertility medication. I was really really discouraged and unhopeful that we would be able to afford these shots. I've heard they were outrageous in price so when Dr. office called me back and said "You have awesome insurance. I rarely see this kind of coverage but all you will have to pay is a small copay - no matter what amount of meds you order." That was such good news but could I/did I want to do this?" Although I knew we could afford to do the injectible treatments I still felt like it was a bitter/sweet situation. I just couldn't believe it has come to this. Giving myself injections to try and get pregnant?!
How do women just get pregnant? How was it that easy? Why are there so many mistreated, abused and neglected babies? Why? Am I not deserving of a baby? Am I being punished for some reason? Why? Why me?
We ordered the new medication and will start the treatments next month. We will be taking a FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) called Gonal-f RFF Pen. http://www.fertilitylifelines.com/serono/products/gonalf/pen/index.jsp
What is does is it creates more follicles (eggs) in my body so there is a better chance for one of them to get fertilized- with risks of course- like having multiples (just like Clomid). We will do these injections in conjunction with a IUI. RE said the success rate rises to 20% with injectibles vs. clomid (pill).
Scott and I took a class on how to use the Gonal Pen. It seems easy but I don't think i can stab myself with a needle... So Scott will be doing it- Yikes!
It will be injected it in the f-a-t part of my stomach around my belly button and I will use it everynight starting on cycle day 3 up to cycle day 13- depending on how fast my follicles are responding.
Well, that's all for now. I will be updating this blog as we keep going down this treacherous path... This blog will one day turn into a pregnancy (or adoption) blog. One day this will be all worth it. One day Scott and I will get to our goal of becoming parents and finally hold our long awaited miracle in our arms. For now we will continue to hope, pray, and wait for that one day to arrive.
Bowel Prep is not fun.
After our 3rd failed insemination we sat down with Dr. Hecht again. We both agreed it was time to schedule the laparoscopy surgery for myself before we dive into more expensive fertility treatments. Since Dr. Hecht stopped doing surgeries and my nurse/midwife couldn't perform surgery either, we went to Dr. Hecht's referral surgeon from Cleveland Clinic- Dr. Goldberg. We scheduled a consult with him and told him our situations, what we've been through already and our concerns with the possibility of scar tissue blocking/preventing fertilization to occur. He agreed the surgery was needed at this point. The surgery was finally scheduled for 3/2/07.
If you know me at all you know I am a worrier. A huge what if worrier. I was so scared but so anxious to maybe get some question answered. This sounds bad but I was hoping the surgeon was going to find the issue- remove it- and say "I found out the reason you haven't got pregnant for the past 17months and it's all taken care of and you should have no problem trying to get pregnant now..."
The Thursday before the surgery I was on a clear liquid diet all day and had to drink 2 bottles of "Fleet's Phosphor-soda" in the evening for my bowel prep. If not eating all day wasn't bad enough... I couldn't stomach the taste of this nasty saline laxative solution. I got the first bottle down and maybe 1/3 of the 2nd. I felt like I was on the t.v. show Fear Factor. Well....Fleet's definitely did its job and I can say now this was the absolute worst part of the surgery- well maybe 2nd worst.
The next day I pretty much was exhausted and literately 2.5 lbs lighter. I didn't get really nervous and freaked out until they walked me into the O.R. (that was the worst part for me) I would of rather not seen all the lights, contraptions, and medical stuff. They told me to untie my gown and lie down on the table- then they stuck this big sticker on my back and all I thought was "Oh Geez... What the hell was that? The sticker to identify my body in case I die" (I later found out from cousin nurse Jenn- it was my ground wire so I didn't get electrocuted due to a cutlery instrument they were using- nice...) I kept my mouth shut laid down and started to cry and hyperventilate. One of the women who was in the room was kindly trying to calm me down- and holding my hand. She said goodnight and I went numb in an instant. Then I woke up.
The first question I asked was "How long was I in surgery" Because I knew it was going to take about 20mins if everything looked good and longer depending on what they found and what they had to do to correct it. Someone told me 45mins. I went into recovery. Saw Scott and my Mom. I had 3 small incisions. I felt O.K. I think I laid there for about an hour or less and we went home. It was hard to use my stomach muscles and I laid in bed most of the day for 2 days after. I was sore for 7-10 days after. We scheduled a consult with Dr. Hecht to go over the report from Dr. Golberg. This is what he said.
2 small adhesions were found. One of those adhesions was no where in the vicinity of my ovaries and uterus. The other adhesion was on my left ovary and Dr. Goldberg freed it. So the findings were almost normal. No significant scar tissue; no endometriosis. But now we know...
http://www.medicinenet.com/endometriosis/article.htm
I silently started go back into panic mode. We've done virtually every test possible, Your telling me I actually have to accept the fact that I can't get pregnant and no one knows why??? As we went through our next steps/options I felt like I was going to get sick. Why is this happening to us? I am tired. I want to quit everything- the Dr. visits, the treatments, the worrying, the depression, the aggravation, the anxiety and the trying... But something is not letting me quit. I don't know why.
If you know me at all you know I am a worrier. A huge what if worrier. I was so scared but so anxious to maybe get some question answered. This sounds bad but I was hoping the surgeon was going to find the issue- remove it- and say "I found out the reason you haven't got pregnant for the past 17months and it's all taken care of and you should have no problem trying to get pregnant now..."
The Thursday before the surgery I was on a clear liquid diet all day and had to drink 2 bottles of "Fleet's Phosphor-soda" in the evening for my bowel prep. If not eating all day wasn't bad enough... I couldn't stomach the taste of this nasty saline laxative solution. I got the first bottle down and maybe 1/3 of the 2nd. I felt like I was on the t.v. show Fear Factor. Well....Fleet's definitely did its job and I can say now this was the absolute worst part of the surgery- well maybe 2nd worst.
The next day I pretty much was exhausted and literately 2.5 lbs lighter. I didn't get really nervous and freaked out until they walked me into the O.R. (that was the worst part for me) I would of rather not seen all the lights, contraptions, and medical stuff. They told me to untie my gown and lie down on the table- then they stuck this big sticker on my back and all I thought was "Oh Geez... What the hell was that? The sticker to identify my body in case I die" (I later found out from cousin nurse Jenn- it was my ground wire so I didn't get electrocuted due to a cutlery instrument they were using- nice...) I kept my mouth shut laid down and started to cry and hyperventilate. One of the women who was in the room was kindly trying to calm me down- and holding my hand. She said goodnight and I went numb in an instant. Then I woke up.
The first question I asked was "How long was I in surgery" Because I knew it was going to take about 20mins if everything looked good and longer depending on what they found and what they had to do to correct it. Someone told me 45mins. I went into recovery. Saw Scott and my Mom. I had 3 small incisions. I felt O.K. I think I laid there for about an hour or less and we went home. It was hard to use my stomach muscles and I laid in bed most of the day for 2 days after. I was sore for 7-10 days after. We scheduled a consult with Dr. Hecht to go over the report from Dr. Golberg. This is what he said.
2 small adhesions were found. One of those adhesions was no where in the vicinity of my ovaries and uterus. The other adhesion was on my left ovary and Dr. Goldberg freed it. So the findings were almost normal. No significant scar tissue; no endometriosis. But now we know...
http://www.medicinenet.com/endometriosis/article.htm
I silently started go back into panic mode. We've done virtually every test possible, Your telling me I actually have to accept the fact that I can't get pregnant and no one knows why??? As we went through our next steps/options I felt like I was going to get sick. Why is this happening to us? I am tired. I want to quit everything- the Dr. visits, the treatments, the worrying, the depression, the aggravation, the anxiety and the trying... But something is not letting me quit. I don't know why.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Hello Hot Flash!
October 2006-January 2007
One side effect of Clomid is hot flashes- that fortunately (and unfortunately) was the only side effect I noticed (not looking forward to menopause at ALL). I took one 100mg Clomid orally once a day on cycle day 3 thru cycle day 7. I then started an ovulation predictor kit around the time I was due to ovulate in addition to going to my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office every 2-3 days for a follicle scan. He would check to see what size my follicles (eggs) were to accurately time the IUI (insemination). *** Note when I say my Dr. or RE- it's the same man- Dr. Hecht from the Cleveland Clinic Fertility Center***
The IUI was strange the first time (but so simple). The day before the IUI was scheduled I would go into the office an get a HCG injection- which triggers ovulation to occur in 24-48hrs. "...An injection of hCG (a hormone-human chorionic gonadotropin), like the surge of the hormone LH that normally occurs in the body, can trigger release of the egg from the ovarian follicle. It can be administered when an ultrasound examination indicates both that the uterine lining has developed to a level sufficient to support implantation and that the ovarian follicle is at least 18-20mm in size.
The morning of the IUI, Scott would provide a sperm sample and then we would drop it off at the RE's office. They would tell us to come back in about 45 minutes because they had to prepare/wash the sperm. The insemination itself is similar to a pap but a tad bit longer. The take a catheter/syringe type thingy withe the amount of a teaspoon or less of Scott's sample and inject it into my uterus. What's amazing is the amount of sperm there was in that tiny amount- Scott ranged form 27 to 55million sperm (after it was prepared), which is good, between the 3 IUI's we had done. (Go Scottie!!) After they injected the sperm- they would elevate the bottom half of the the exam table and I had to lay there for 10mins or so just to make sure the sample went in the direction it was supposed to go.
Round#1 Clomid/ IUI 11/2/06 Negative :(
Round#2 Clomid/IUI 12/11/06 Negative :(
Round #3 Clomid/IUI 1/9/07 Negative :(
The tiny bit of hope we have left has just about run out.... There's one more unanswered question...
One side effect of Clomid is hot flashes- that fortunately (and unfortunately) was the only side effect I noticed (not looking forward to menopause at ALL). I took one 100mg Clomid orally once a day on cycle day 3 thru cycle day 7. I then started an ovulation predictor kit around the time I was due to ovulate in addition to going to my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office every 2-3 days for a follicle scan. He would check to see what size my follicles (eggs) were to accurately time the IUI (insemination). *** Note when I say my Dr. or RE- it's the same man- Dr. Hecht from the Cleveland Clinic Fertility Center***
The IUI was strange the first time (but so simple). The day before the IUI was scheduled I would go into the office an get a HCG injection- which triggers ovulation to occur in 24-48hrs. "...An injection of hCG (a hormone-human chorionic gonadotropin), like the surge of the hormone LH that normally occurs in the body, can trigger release of the egg from the ovarian follicle. It can be administered when an ultrasound examination indicates both that the uterine lining has developed to a level sufficient to support implantation and that the ovarian follicle is at least 18-20mm in size.
The morning of the IUI, Scott would provide a sperm sample and then we would drop it off at the RE's office. They would tell us to come back in about 45 minutes because they had to prepare/wash the sperm. The insemination itself is similar to a pap but a tad bit longer. The take a catheter/syringe type thingy withe the amount of a teaspoon or less of Scott's sample and inject it into my uterus. What's amazing is the amount of sperm there was in that tiny amount- Scott ranged form 27 to 55million sperm (after it was prepared), which is good, between the 3 IUI's we had done. (Go Scottie!!) After they injected the sperm- they would elevate the bottom half of the the exam table and I had to lay there for 10mins or so just to make sure the sample went in the direction it was supposed to go.
Round#1 Clomid/ IUI 11/2/06 Negative :(
Round#2 Clomid/IUI 12/11/06 Negative :(
Round #3 Clomid/IUI 1/9/07 Negative :(
The tiny bit of hope we have left has just about run out.... There's one more unanswered question...
Technically Speaking.
Ok... so here's the "meat and potatoes" of what tests and treatments we have gone through since August of 2005. I believe around February 2006 Scott had his first analysis. This was a concern so early because when he was 15 years old he had surgery to correct a varicocle which was our first scare because it is connected with male infertility "...Varicoceles are the most common cause of low sperm production and decreased sperm quality, although not all varicoceles affect sperm production."
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Varicocele/DS00618
We went back to the urologist that did Scott's surgery years ago- He sent us to go get a sperm analysis done and all checked out well. Whew.....
Right before the 12month mark my nurse/midwife gave me a external ultrasound and more blood work to make sure all my levels were where they were supposed to me and to see if my uterus was normal shape and size. All checked out well. Whew....
1 year has passed and still no positive or remotely positive home pregnancy test. Time to call in the big guns.... we made our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist late in July of '06. The relief I felt when we made out 1st consultation/appointment was nice. I figured if anyone is going to help me get pregnant it's this guy! I felt like it was a big step closer to success.
On our first appointment we went over family history and our own personal history. We told him about Scott's varicocele surgery and how he already had an analysis done. We also discussed a bowel obstruction surgery I had when I was 4years old and the possibility of scar tissue in and around my pelvic region. The plan was this... Run some tests and blood work first then explore options from there. He reassured us we had time on our side because we are both young and it is perfectly normal for couples just to be "slow" at getting pregnant. On that same day he gave me an internal u/s (ultra sound) to look at my ovaries, uterus and check for cysts and gave me a checklist of all the tests he was going to run. Let the games begin...
August 2006
He wanted to do another analysis on Scott so we scheduled that as well as a post coital test. A post coital test is where they check to see if Scott's sperm can easily swim in my cervical mucus. (yippee!) http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/postcoital-test So basically- we were instructed to have "relations" the night before the appointment- At the appointment Dr. took a sample of my mucus, put it under a microscope and check to see if Scott's "boys" were happily swimming through it. Dr. actually was able to put what he was seeing in the microscope on a t.v. screen so Scott and I could take a look too. He called it the "mucus channel" HAHA! (Dr. Hecht has a wonderful, much needed sense of humor. We absolutely love him!!!) Although it sounds odd- it was so neat to see Scott's swimmers swimming and moving around like crazy. All checked out well with the post coital tests (I had to get 2 of them) as well as Scott's 2nd sperm analysis. Whew...
I also had blood work done to check my progesterone, FSH, rubella and estrodiol. All was normal/good. Next up... a Hysterosalpingogram or simply an HSG. http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/Hysterosalpingogram-21590
I was told this felt like just like a "pap" test by my Dr. and a few people who've had it done. Uhhh... It wasn't like a pap. It was over fairly quickly but no- nothing like a pap. What this test does is check to see if your fallopian tubes are clear and not blocked. They do this by injecting a dye into the uterus (by a catheter) and take an x-ray at the same time. When I had my HSG done the Dr. couldn't get the catheter in the "normal" way he does it so they had to inflate a balloon of some sort to get the catheter in properly...??? Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all. Scott was in the room along with a nurse and an x-ray tech. I almost passed out. My teeth went numb and I started to hyperventilate and cry. Dr. Hecht stopped everything he was doing and came towards my head and told me a joke (not kidding). As I was sprawled on the the x-ray table I don't think I laughed too hard at the punch line but it did calm me down so I could get through the rest of the procedure. Just before he went to inject the dye he told me to look at a monitor to see it go through my tubes. I didn't want to.... I just kept my eyes shut and waited for it it be over. The x-ray came back normal with no blockages. Whew.... but wait-What else could be wrong then????
"You are a UNEXPLAINED infertility case." Great. I know (and am thankful) it's better than having serious medical problems or issues but what am I going to blame this unsuccessful 13months on??? He gave us some options. Possibly do 3 or 4 months of Clomiphene (Clomid) with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or continue to try naturally. http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-11204-Clomid.aspx?drugid=11204&drugname=Clomid
Clomid is the most inexpensive, easiest to take, and most popular fertility drug out there. But... this means greater risk of multiples, miscarriage, etc., etc..... The IUI's are not covered by insurance and were in the $300/each range. What is done for IUI is Scott's sperm is collected and injected directly into my uterus- closer to where it needs to be to fertilize my egg. "cutting out the middle man so to speak" http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/intrauterine-insemination/AN00867
Dr. also explained that in order for him to check for scar tissue (due to bowel obstruction) I needed to get surgery (laparoscopy) and he didn't seem to adamant on putting me through surgery if I didn't need it. So based on his suggestions we decided to try the Clomid/IUI. Although I felt sad and upset it had come to this I was so so so anxious and excited to move on to this step. i was so certain this would work.... It had to. Right???
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Varicocele/DS00618
We went back to the urologist that did Scott's surgery years ago- He sent us to go get a sperm analysis done and all checked out well. Whew.....
Right before the 12month mark my nurse/midwife gave me a external ultrasound and more blood work to make sure all my levels were where they were supposed to me and to see if my uterus was normal shape and size. All checked out well. Whew....
1 year has passed and still no positive or remotely positive home pregnancy test. Time to call in the big guns.... we made our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist late in July of '06. The relief I felt when we made out 1st consultation/appointment was nice. I figured if anyone is going to help me get pregnant it's this guy! I felt like it was a big step closer to success.
On our first appointment we went over family history and our own personal history. We told him about Scott's varicocele surgery and how he already had an analysis done. We also discussed a bowel obstruction surgery I had when I was 4years old and the possibility of scar tissue in and around my pelvic region. The plan was this... Run some tests and blood work first then explore options from there. He reassured us we had time on our side because we are both young and it is perfectly normal for couples just to be "slow" at getting pregnant. On that same day he gave me an internal u/s (ultra sound) to look at my ovaries, uterus and check for cysts and gave me a checklist of all the tests he was going to run. Let the games begin...
August 2006
He wanted to do another analysis on Scott so we scheduled that as well as a post coital test. A post coital test is where they check to see if Scott's sperm can easily swim in my cervical mucus. (yippee!) http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/postcoital-test So basically- we were instructed to have "relations" the night before the appointment- At the appointment Dr. took a sample of my mucus, put it under a microscope and check to see if Scott's "boys" were happily swimming through it. Dr. actually was able to put what he was seeing in the microscope on a t.v. screen so Scott and I could take a look too. He called it the "mucus channel" HAHA! (Dr. Hecht has a wonderful, much needed sense of humor. We absolutely love him!!!) Although it sounds odd- it was so neat to see Scott's swimmers swimming and moving around like crazy. All checked out well with the post coital tests (I had to get 2 of them) as well as Scott's 2nd sperm analysis. Whew...
I also had blood work done to check my progesterone, FSH, rubella and estrodiol. All was normal/good. Next up... a Hysterosalpingogram or simply an HSG. http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/Hysterosalpingogram-21590
I was told this felt like just like a "pap" test by my Dr. and a few people who've had it done. Uhhh... It wasn't like a pap. It was over fairly quickly but no- nothing like a pap. What this test does is check to see if your fallopian tubes are clear and not blocked. They do this by injecting a dye into the uterus (by a catheter) and take an x-ray at the same time. When I had my HSG done the Dr. couldn't get the catheter in the "normal" way he does it so they had to inflate a balloon of some sort to get the catheter in properly...??? Not pleasant. Not pleasant at all. Scott was in the room along with a nurse and an x-ray tech. I almost passed out. My teeth went numb and I started to hyperventilate and cry. Dr. Hecht stopped everything he was doing and came towards my head and told me a joke (not kidding). As I was sprawled on the the x-ray table I don't think I laughed too hard at the punch line but it did calm me down so I could get through the rest of the procedure. Just before he went to inject the dye he told me to look at a monitor to see it go through my tubes. I didn't want to.... I just kept my eyes shut and waited for it it be over. The x-ray came back normal with no blockages. Whew.... but wait-What else could be wrong then????
"You are a UNEXPLAINED infertility case." Great. I know (and am thankful) it's better than having serious medical problems or issues but what am I going to blame this unsuccessful 13months on??? He gave us some options. Possibly do 3 or 4 months of Clomiphene (Clomid) with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or continue to try naturally. http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-11204-Clomid.aspx?drugid=11204&drugname=Clomid
Clomid is the most inexpensive, easiest to take, and most popular fertility drug out there. But... this means greater risk of multiples, miscarriage, etc., etc..... The IUI's are not covered by insurance and were in the $300/each range. What is done for IUI is Scott's sperm is collected and injected directly into my uterus- closer to where it needs to be to fertilize my egg. "cutting out the middle man so to speak" http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/intrauterine-insemination/AN00867
Dr. also explained that in order for him to check for scar tissue (due to bowel obstruction) I needed to get surgery (laparoscopy) and he didn't seem to adamant on putting me through surgery if I didn't need it. So based on his suggestions we decided to try the Clomid/IUI. Although I felt sad and upset it had come to this I was so so so anxious and excited to move on to this step. i was so certain this would work.... It had to. Right???
Being tested....?
I've always thought of myself as a strong faithed Catholic. I went to Catholic school for 9 years and went to church on a regular basis. All that has changed now and it is the one aspect of my life that I wish I could have back. There are two ways I can look at things... One is that having a baby is all about timing, nature, and science. And secondly having a baby is God's plan, decision, timing and way. The second way of thinking is more me. Even though I think getting pregnant involves both aspects of "nature" and God's plan- I know it is a miracle no matter what. But the counseling and guidance I receive from family and friends is usually never about the "science" of having a baby. It's about God's plan for Scott and I. There are sayings I think about and hear often "God never gives you more than you can handle" and "Everything happens for a reason" These thoughts are hard- very hard- to accept and identify with some days. It make me angry and disappointed in my religion and my God- on the other hand there are other days these sayings do the exact opposite- they get me through the day without crying or feeling bad and make me feel strong and proud to be a believer.
I have no doubts that I am still a Christian- and a Catholic. I believe in and love God. I would never turn my back on my faith and religion but what's most frustrating are the days when I cannot comprehend for the life of me why I have been tested the way I've had. Why would God put me through such pain, misery and heartache? I am a good person with good intentions and so much love to give to a child so why haven't I been blessed? What is God waiting for? Why haven't prayers been answered?
Maybe I will know and understand the answers to these questions one day? Maybe I will be more at peace with my God again one day? Maybe I can learn to fully trust God's plan again one day? Maybe. One day.
For anyone who has had difficulty trying to conceive you know what strength and strain it can put on your marriage. Scott and I are best friends and have been an "official" couple since August of 1998. I think it would be safe to say we barely argue/fight. That is- until we started having issues trying to have a baby...Of course it is stressful, exhausting, and wearing. The monthly devastation of a "failed attempt" has made me think that being married and starting a family is too challenging and like a roller coaster ride that I want to walk away from. There have been so many nights where the aggravation and never ending pressure explodes and causes Scott and Leslie to be two different people than they originally were. I still don't think we are who we once were- all the traits and qualities that make us-us. The reasons we cant live one day without each other and still after 9 years hate to be apart and miss and think about each other every single moment of the day. Deep down I think both of us want it back to the "way it use to be" without the "scheduled" "science experiment" life we lead now. Without the Dr.'s appointments, despair and hopelessness. But we both know what we want out of life. We both yearn for a baby to call our own. We want to share our connection and love for each other with the ultimate gift two people can create. We want to be called mommy and daddy and instill all the good values and morals we were taught into a child- our child. Scott and Leslie will always be Scott and Leslie- for better and for worse. I couldn't/wouldn't bear this journey with anyone else. He is my rock, my everything, my hero, my heart and soul, my forever friend. We are coping with the "hand we were dealt" in life. Together we will achieve our goal and when we do- will be better parents and a stronger couple because of it.
I have no doubts that I am still a Christian- and a Catholic. I believe in and love God. I would never turn my back on my faith and religion but what's most frustrating are the days when I cannot comprehend for the life of me why I have been tested the way I've had. Why would God put me through such pain, misery and heartache? I am a good person with good intentions and so much love to give to a child so why haven't I been blessed? What is God waiting for? Why haven't prayers been answered?
Maybe I will know and understand the answers to these questions one day? Maybe I will be more at peace with my God again one day? Maybe I can learn to fully trust God's plan again one day? Maybe. One day.
For anyone who has had difficulty trying to conceive you know what strength and strain it can put on your marriage. Scott and I are best friends and have been an "official" couple since August of 1998. I think it would be safe to say we barely argue/fight. That is- until we started having issues trying to have a baby...Of course it is stressful, exhausting, and wearing. The monthly devastation of a "failed attempt" has made me think that being married and starting a family is too challenging and like a roller coaster ride that I want to walk away from. There have been so many nights where the aggravation and never ending pressure explodes and causes Scott and Leslie to be two different people than they originally were. I still don't think we are who we once were- all the traits and qualities that make us-us. The reasons we cant live one day without each other and still after 9 years hate to be apart and miss and think about each other every single moment of the day. Deep down I think both of us want it back to the "way it use to be" without the "scheduled" "science experiment" life we lead now. Without the Dr.'s appointments, despair and hopelessness. But we both know what we want out of life. We both yearn for a baby to call our own. We want to share our connection and love for each other with the ultimate gift two people can create. We want to be called mommy and daddy and instill all the good values and morals we were taught into a child- our child. Scott and Leslie will always be Scott and Leslie- for better and for worse. I couldn't/wouldn't bear this journey with anyone else. He is my rock, my everything, my hero, my heart and soul, my forever friend. We are coping with the "hand we were dealt" in life. Together we will achieve our goal and when we do- will be better parents and a stronger couple because of it.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Year #1
Since I was the first one of my friends to get married- I never really knew anyone trying to get pregnant- let alone getting married. Its funny how when I was high school and then college I did everything in God's green earth NOT to get pregnant before I was married, even after I was married-I didn't want to get pregnant until it was "perfect timing" So we waited until our 2nd wedding anniversary in the summer of 2005. I was very naive and thought- I am young, in good health- so is my husband so I will get pregnant right away. Being the prepared, organized person that I am- I scheduled a consult with my nurse/midwife right before we "officially started" and she explained to me natural family planning- like how to chart your basal body temperature and check for other signs of ovulation/fertility. I was ready, i was prepared and I just knew I would be pregnant by Christmas '05. Now that would of been nice.... but it wasn't that easy for us and I've been dealing with the reality ever since.
The first few months were disappointing but it got worse- alot worse. I was trying everything possible to increase my chances of conceiving. Any wives tale or suggestion I heard that worked for someone else- I tried. The Robitussin, the baby aspirin, the ovulation kits, the standing on the head, vigil to St. Gerard, the temping, warning- tmi (too much information) coming up... the cervix position and mucus, the saliva kit, the pre seed, the "get drunk and do it" method. Why didn't anything work???By month #6 I thought (no, I knew) there HAD to be something wrong. I started to stress out and get depressed and more and more sensitive. I started to read books and stories on infertility and trying to conceive. I remember reading "The Conception Conronicles" which is a book that follows a woman through her journey of trying to conceive and what tests and treatments she goes through with a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and I remember thinking- "Gosh I cant believe what this woman had to go through- I wont have to go to these lengths to get pregnant- she is going through the worse case scenario- I better stop reading this or I'm going to freak myself out" Now I look back and think- I shouldn't of stopped reading that book because I've almost had the same exact experience that I thought would never ever happen to me...
Every month I would analyze what was going on in my body- every quirk and pain I felt- every rumble of my stomach and every weird "possible symptom" I would get. "My face is breaking out" (maybe I'm pregnant) "My boobs hurt" (maybe I'm pregnant) "I'm tired" (maybe I'm pregnant) "I'm emotional and moody" (maybe I'm pregnant) and on and on and on.... By month #9 i wanted to see a fertility specialist. Each month I felt like I couldn't do it- I just couldn't handle one more negative pregnancy test. But I did and still am.
Around month #9 I went to see my nurse/midwife and I told her how I was feeling and how much trying to get pregnant was affecting my life. She kindly told me to ".... give it to God...lay it on His Alter... its out of your hands and in His now..." She also explained to me (again) that its normal for a healthy couple not to get pregnant for a year or so. Still in my head I thought- I'm not one of those women who cant get pregnant just because....there has to be a medical reason. I reluctantly agreed to wait until the one year mark and then see the specialist she refers her patients to. After that appointment I did go home and try to give it to God and trust Him, Believe in Him, and have Faith in Him. By month #12- that plan had really backfired.
The first few months were disappointing but it got worse- alot worse. I was trying everything possible to increase my chances of conceiving. Any wives tale or suggestion I heard that worked for someone else- I tried. The Robitussin, the baby aspirin, the ovulation kits, the standing on the head, vigil to St. Gerard, the temping, warning- tmi (too much information) coming up... the cervix position and mucus, the saliva kit, the pre seed, the "get drunk and do it" method. Why didn't anything work???By month #6 I thought (no, I knew) there HAD to be something wrong. I started to stress out and get depressed and more and more sensitive. I started to read books and stories on infertility and trying to conceive. I remember reading "The Conception Conronicles" which is a book that follows a woman through her journey of trying to conceive and what tests and treatments she goes through with a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and I remember thinking- "Gosh I cant believe what this woman had to go through- I wont have to go to these lengths to get pregnant- she is going through the worse case scenario- I better stop reading this or I'm going to freak myself out" Now I look back and think- I shouldn't of stopped reading that book because I've almost had the same exact experience that I thought would never ever happen to me...
Every month I would analyze what was going on in my body- every quirk and pain I felt- every rumble of my stomach and every weird "possible symptom" I would get. "My face is breaking out" (maybe I'm pregnant) "My boobs hurt" (maybe I'm pregnant) "I'm tired" (maybe I'm pregnant) "I'm emotional and moody" (maybe I'm pregnant) and on and on and on.... By month #9 i wanted to see a fertility specialist. Each month I felt like I couldn't do it- I just couldn't handle one more negative pregnancy test. But I did and still am.
Around month #9 I went to see my nurse/midwife and I told her how I was feeling and how much trying to get pregnant was affecting my life. She kindly told me to ".... give it to God...lay it on His Alter... its out of your hands and in His now..." She also explained to me (again) that its normal for a healthy couple not to get pregnant for a year or so. Still in my head I thought- I'm not one of those women who cant get pregnant just because....there has to be a medical reason. I reluctantly agreed to wait until the one year mark and then see the specialist she refers her patients to. After that appointment I did go home and try to give it to God and trust Him, Believe in Him, and have Faith in Him. By month #12- that plan had really backfired.
I'm officially a blogger!
I decided to start this blog for many different reasons. Most importantly to help someone/anyone who may be experiencing the same "bump in the road" (wow that's an understatement) as my husband and I are- so here goes....
My husband and I met when we were still in high school. We got engage early in our college years and now have been married for almost 4 years. One of my friends once told me- "You and Scott are the model couple... if you guys don't make it- there's no hope for the rest of us..." Although I know this was said in a joking matter- it still meant alot. Engaged at 19- married at 22. I got criticize and judged by people who didn't know Scott and I very well about getting married so young, I let it bother me pretty bad in the beginning- then I learned to let the comments encourage me prove everyone wrong. I never had the crazy single life. Do I regret it??? I cant even force myself to. I love being married , I love being a wife and I am certain I will absolutely love being a mom- One day....
When did I know I wanted children of my own? always. My brother and I are 10 years apart so I remember helping my mom take care of him and watching him grow up. If having a child of my own is half as rewarding as the wonderful memories I have with "Mikey" and the proud feeling I get when I think of him now and all that he has become and will be- I know this journey that lies ahead of me will be everything I imagined and so so so much more.
My family, especially my life saving mother and sister, have been my shoulder to cry on for so long (too long). I cant even express what they mean to me and what they have saved me from....I owe so much to them- for all their support, advice, guidance, and love. I couldn't survive this battle without them. They keep me going and I hope I can repay them in every way possible.
O.K. Now lets review the past 18 months and the reason I created this blog....
My husband and I met when we were still in high school. We got engage early in our college years and now have been married for almost 4 years. One of my friends once told me- "You and Scott are the model couple... if you guys don't make it- there's no hope for the rest of us..." Although I know this was said in a joking matter- it still meant alot. Engaged at 19- married at 22. I got criticize and judged by people who didn't know Scott and I very well about getting married so young, I let it bother me pretty bad in the beginning- then I learned to let the comments encourage me prove everyone wrong. I never had the crazy single life. Do I regret it??? I cant even force myself to. I love being married , I love being a wife and I am certain I will absolutely love being a mom- One day....
When did I know I wanted children of my own? always. My brother and I are 10 years apart so I remember helping my mom take care of him and watching him grow up. If having a child of my own is half as rewarding as the wonderful memories I have with "Mikey" and the proud feeling I get when I think of him now and all that he has become and will be- I know this journey that lies ahead of me will be everything I imagined and so so so much more.
My family, especially my life saving mother and sister, have been my shoulder to cry on for so long (too long). I cant even express what they mean to me and what they have saved me from....I owe so much to them- for all their support, advice, guidance, and love. I couldn't survive this battle without them. They keep me going and I hope I can repay them in every way possible.
O.K. Now lets review the past 18 months and the reason I created this blog....
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