Prayer

I've never prayed this hard. I know that sounds horrible but I've really been trying to talk to God and ask Him for my miracle, ask Him to bless us, ensure Him we are ready and willing to accept children. I ask Him for Faith, Strength, Hope and positive thinking. I get so emotional when I pray because it means so much to me. I can't help to think What if this doesn't happen? What am i going to do? I try to avoid those thoughts but sometimes its impossible. There's nothing I can do but wait and this week is going to creep by ever so slowly- i know it will. Its just another test of my patients. I cant help but feel like its going to end in failure- can you blame me?? It's been over two years of failure. I just feel like I got pregnant from the shots the first time so it HAS to work the 2nd time- But as Dr. Hecht explained- that's not true. I just want ONE sign. One sign that makes me believe it happened. I'll take anything at this point.

My 6pm appointment pictures

I thought I would post some pictures of what makes me feel like a human pincushion! This is the whole kit spread out. The red container is my needle waste basket then in the black kit from left to right is my pen disposal container, next to that is the Gonal-f pen itself which is pre-loaded with medication, next to that alcohol wipes and band-aids, then lastly a box of needles.

Here is the pen up close. You attach the needle, set the amount of the dose, pull out then end to set the dose, inject yourself and press the end button down until it stops clicking, wait 5 seconds and remove the needle. It's really easy actually- just ask Scott- I think he enjoyed stabbing me with this sometimes :) just kidding!

I just wanna go home.

I'm at work. I just wanna go home and lay down. I am inseminated. 27 million swimmers. I was hoping for over 40 million but its not a big deal when you are talking about 27 vs. 40 million sperm. I got highly upset today when I got the IUI done. I was in alot of pain and really nervous and I was upset Scott couldn't be there and all I kept thinking was "why do I have to go through this?" Anyway- I got through it and I'm feeling pretty bad pressure and bloating right now. I did take one Tylenol because nurse assured me that was OK. I felt so stupid that I got that upset at Dr. and starting sobbing actually but I couldn't help it- I'm just emotional about all this right now. I'm so scared to miscarry but even more scared of a negative result in two weeks. I'm going to keep the faith and stay positive though. I have lots of plans to keep myself busy so I'm going to distract my mind as much as possible. I start progesterone on Friday and beta blood test on Oct. 15th. I hope this is it. I hope my miracle is being created right now.

We are good to go. IUI is Wed.

Here we go again! Round 2 FSH/IUI cycle. This will technically be my 6th IUI but 2nd IUI with injections. I went to RE on Sat. September 29th and he said I wasn't quite ready. He lowered my dose to 75IU's for Saturday and Sunday night and back to office on Monday. He said I was going to have multiple eggs like last time so good chance of pregnancy but higher chance of multiple which yes- would be neat BUT scary too (and alot more work) My take is- God will bless us with however many he wants to bless us with. He knew I could handle all that we've been through thus far and I trust we can handle whatever outcome the next few weeks bring. When I went back to RE today Dr. asked if I ready to count those eggs??? I have 4-5 potentials on left (my powerhouse ovary as Dr. said) and 1-2 on right. So I think I had even better response than last time. Dr. joked with me and said "I want to get rid of you already!" And I said "I don't want to see you anymore either!" LOL. It was funny. I'm not feeling any sandbag feelings yet but if it was anything like last time I will be pretty miserable come Wednesday night through the weekend. Time to cut off my alcohol, coffee and housework intake!! I think I may go to the store tonight and buy activities to keep me busy- like a coloring book, a knitting kit, random arts and crafts, etc. I need to keep my mind and body occupied and RELAXED. No stress. I also plan lots of pampering to keep busy- soak my feet, take baths, steam my face... I can do this. I can distracted my mind for a few weeks. Oh and PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! This is most important. So HCG (trigger shot) tonight at 11pm and IUI (insemination) Wed morning.