So over the needles and is Sept. 6th here yet???

After I am in the clear to stop progesterone shots, I will happy if I never see another needle again. Since July 23rd I've had 53 needles injected into my body by myself or Scott. That number does not include all the blood work and IV for anesthesia. Nor does it include the handful of oral pills I've been on this whole time.
Again, how do people conceive naturally? It's really beyond my comprehension.
I feel pretty normal and my bloating has gone down quite a bit. I am so so so nervous because I can't feel anything and because of the fact I feel normal. I know I felt normal with Carter so I try to remind myself so that 1000x's a day. I can't believe I have a full week and 1 day to wait to get this ultrasound. I may go insane by then.
Carter is starting kindergarten next week so that will keep me busy and sad... Lol. I already miss him. The fair is this weekend and its a long weekend for Scott so that should help too.
Ugh. WAITING IS NOT FUN!!!

The best voicemail EVER

So Tuesday rolls around and I am on my way to the lab to get my blood drawn to see if my embie babies stuck around. I had quite a meltdown on the way there. I just wanted to know if I was going to have the best day or the worst day. Right after I got home we left for Erie, PA. We wanted to take C to Waldmaeer Park to go on rides because that is all he has been talking about all summer. Unbeknownst to me, Waldameer did not open until noon. So we decided to check out Presque Isle Beach until the park opened. We got to the beach around 11:15 AM. Earlier that morning I joked around saying "Wouldn't it be funny if I didn't have any cell phone service in Erie?"
Well... needless to say as I was sitting on the sand looking at lake Erie, clenching and staring at my phone like I was doing all morning and I hear my phone beep. I look down and see new voicemail. I MISSED THE CALL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Turns out I didn't have good reception on Presque Isle beach. So I dial my voice mail, put it on speaker phone and with Scott by my side we hear the nurse say the words we most desperately wanted to hear. It is positive. We lost it. We hugged and cried and were in complete shock. I'm glad I missed the call. Scott and I were able to hear the news together and had a few minutes to ourselves to celebrate and Thank God.
I called nurse back few minutes later and she told me they were looking for an HCG count of at least 50. Mine was 329 and they are very happy with that number. I immediately asked if this is an indication of multiples. She says it could be but really no way to tell except with an ultrasound. We go over some more things and she says go back to same lab on Thursday to get repeat blood work- she will call me with Thursday's numbers and schedule the ultrasound for 2 to 2.5 weeks later.
After I got off the phone Carter asked me from the back seat of the car "What did they say Mommy?" I just looked at him and said "They said there's a baby in there." He smiled the biggest smile and said "There is???" I said "yes" he said "Yea, there's a baby in there!"
We made our calls to our family and friends who were waiting for the answer and for the rest of the day I watched Carter and Scott go on rides while I sat and hydrated. It was an amazing day.
Thursday I went back for repeat blood work and my HCG of 329 doubled to 671. That is what we wanted it to do! 1st ultrasound will either be on Friday Sept 5th or Saturday Sept. 6th. I am still in shock. I still don't believe it. I really just want to see the heartbeat(s).


What a journey!!! That's all I can say....

:)

That heavy feeling

It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am eternally grateful for all the people praying and thinking about us but I am also scared I am going to possibly let each one of those people down. Being open about IVF is a double edge sword. I want prayers and I'm not ashamed to ask for them. I also am excited about IVF and it is literally ALL I have been thinking about. I am also not ashamed of my infertility, if anything I want to bring awareness to the subject and help others who have never dealt with it be more empathic with their words(and suggestions)- to me- or in general.
I felt really negative yesterday. I keep hearing "bad news" phone calls from my past in my head. "Its negative, its negative, its negative..." I've only heard "it's positive" twice in 9 years of trying and one of those times ended in miscarriage. I can also pictures the hundreds(?) of negative pregnancy tests I have used throughout the years. I will say to my close family, "I don't know why I am so negative?", "I'm pissing myself off". But I know exactly why I am negative. It doesn't justify it but it's really all I know.
What I do know is my Faith is in the right place. I know no matter what happens I trust God and His plan for me. I think back to the moment when the adoption social worker left our house after she conducted our first home visit. I knew I couldn't go through with the adoption at that moment. I knew it was the wrong choice at that moment. I just knew I had to go back to the Dr. and try IVF. I believe that was the Holy Spirit guiding me to where we are at today. And Scott felt the exact same way when I cried and cried and cried to him that afternoon.
There is no way Scott and I could of been OK not doing this. We both felt like we just NEEDED to do this before it was "too late". We will survive no matter what the outcome. We will lean on each other like we've been doing for the past 16 years. I can conquer any situation with that man by my side. He saves me.
I will change the subject now that I am tearing up. I feel pretty normal except I am bloated. I have had some period cramps here and there and a really strange pain in my belly area (right above my belly button) It felt like a pulling/pinching/can't stand up straight. It only lasted about 20 minutes. We have decided to go to take Carter to Waldameer on Tuesday after we go get my blood work- So I will either be a happy camper watching Carter and Scott ride all the rides or I will be looking for the nearest bar for Scott to drop me off at!

Ice Ice Babies

Ended up with 6 frozen embryos!!! That puts my mind at ease a little. I read yesterday that a blastocyst is the size of Roosevelt's eye on the head of a dime.
I'm trying to wrap my head around what is going on inside my uterus right now. I'm anxious to go back to work on Wednesday. I need to keep busy! I keep replaying how happy and impressed the embryologist was with the quality of our embryos on Sunday.
I found this online too:

Holy full bladder

So it's over!!! All went well. The transfer didn't go how I expected because I had to have a full bladder during the transfer and it was quite uncomfortable. I was tense and just trying to concentrate on not peeing on the Dr. Lol. My eyes were shut the most of the time. I did ask Dr. How my uterus looked, he said good but it will look even better with two embryos in it. I agree!! We watched our two best embryos get sucked up the catheter. One was "collapsed" but is a normal function of a blastocyst. I'm going to ask more questions about this tomorrow when Dr. calls.
The embryologist seemed really impressed with the quality of our embryos. They get graded on a few different things and I know one of the two had a grade of A!! And I believe the other was close behind! I was cloudy from the Valium they instructed me to take before the transfer so my memory is a bit jogged. I got up and went to restroom right after transfer and after I asked the Dr. (A few times) If everything went ok, even with me being so so tense. He assured me all went perfect. I also asked the stupid question of "these won't fall out when I stand up will they?" Lol. I knew the answer but I HAD to ask. The Valium is finally leaving my system 12 hours later! It made me cry, snort laugh, then exhausted. I'm glad to be starting to feel better finally.
I'm assuming I will get a call tomorrow to let me know how many will be frozen. It looks like 3 for sure, possibility of more.
Now for the wait. God give me the strength!!!

Transfer Day Pics!

Not ready to talk but here's the highlights!!

Day 3 embryo progress

We'll I didn't sleep last night. I was so nervous and anxious for the phone call. The embryologist called at 8:45 this morning. He asked "How are you?" I said "nervous" he said no need to be nervous. Out of the 12 fertilized embryos, 8 of them are 6-8 cells (where they should be today), the other 4 embryos are 5 cells and can still can catch up and be viable blastocysts at day 5. So they are confident with doing a five day transfer given the 8 embryos that are 6-8 cells today. He said it is unlikely that all 12 will make it to blastocyst stage and he is guessing half will make it to be good enough to be transferred and/or frozen. So.... It sounds like I will have some embryos to freeze if these fresh ones don't stick. He said at the blastocyst stage the embryos have 100 cells and at this point it is like a "weeding out" process. The good viable embryos will keep growing and ones that are not so good will stop growing.
He told me to be in Akron at 9:15 on Sunday. They will show us pictures of the embryos and transfer will be at 9:30. He also said to drink 16oz of fluid at 8:30 (a full bladder helps them see where they are transferring) and take my Valium (so I can relax, yeah relax, what's that?).
Holy Moly!!! This it it, it's almost over..... I'm really trying to stay positive. I actually do feel pretty positive because I think after all of this how can I not get pregnant???

Retrieval Recovery

Well I have to say Tuesday and Wednesday haven't been fun. Today I feel half normal and haven't had to resort to any vicodin (yet). I didn't want to take any yesterday because I believe they can make your constipation worse and me and constipation do not do good together.... that's all I'll say on that subject.
Tuesday the pain reminded me of after giving birth but on a way way lesser scale. Pressure and soreness. Yesterday it was bloating pain from the empty follicles filling up with fluid. The pain traveled up and it hurt to move, cry, sleep, walk, stand. I couldn't get comfortable at all. At one point I thought I was going to vomit but thank goodness I didn't.
Today it still hurts to get in and out of the chair/bed and when I walk I have to hold my stomach but the pain is more manageable.  Holy Hell! I never knew bloating could be so painful.
The hours cannot go by any slower today. I just want my phone call tomorrow AM about my embryos and how they are doing. I hope I can sleep tonight. I'm really hoping the transfer will be Sunday so I can give my body more time to heal and feel "normal".
My bottom is sore from last night's progesterone. Seems like the left side is more sensitive than the right?
I really want to tell Carter more details about what's going on but I know that's not the right thing to do. I just keep telling him "Mommy's almost done trying to fix her belly" and when we pray we thank the Dr.'s who are helping me. It's my dream to tell him he's going to be a brother. I'm pretty sure he will be over the moon excited that we will have "another kid living here" (preferably a brother to him). He will be an awesome brother because he is so sweet and has his Dad's amazing heart.
It's it Friday yet?????????

Day 1 after retrieval update

Well embryo guy just called. He said we had 16 embryos, all 16 were mature and 12 fertilized normally! Wooooooooo!!
Not all 12 will make it all the way to good embryos stage but he said my day 1 results were better than they expected :)
He is thinking it will be a 5 day transfer, but 3 day transfer is still a possibility. They are looking for 4 near perfect embryos on day 3 in order to do a 5 day transfer.
I get another call Friday around 9:30 to give me more details on progress and to let me know if it will be a 3 day transfer or a 5 day.
I'm really hoping for 6 perfect embie babies. 4 will be good too! That way I have some frozen if the fresh don't take.

I'm going to hibernate until Friday now.

Retrieval Day!!! August 5th 2014

Well my eggs have been retrieved! At first Dr. told us 16. Then later the embryologist told us 15 with 9 looking like they are mature. Embryologist is going to call before noon to let us know how many fertilized and when she is thinking transfer will be.
I was in more pain than I expected yesterday but seems like it's much better today. I was terrified about the progesterone shot last night but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I think the worst part about the shots will be the soreness in my bottom. The whole egg retrieval process was kinda "weird". I felt like I was just another vagina on an assembly line. Lol. But, it's over and I feel semi OK today. I can't wait to hear how are babies are doing!!!!

Are we there yet?

There's me at the Dr. office in Akron at 7:45 Sunday morning giving the thumbs up! Follicles are ready to go! He only measured the big ones but I noticed sizes of 18mm, 19mm, and 20mm. I asked him what he's prediction was on how many would be retrieved. He said without counting based on his experience- he thinks I will have 22 eggs retrieved and 14 of those 22 will be mature. That made me smile ear to ear!!! He also said something to the effect of "Not seeing any problem starting a family with my quantity of follicles" We told him we had an IUI child already so he made a joke saying we are trying all methods- so after IVF done we will conceive naturally. I hope after this IVF that my trying to conceive journey is finally closed because it's been a long, long journey.
After we had our ultra sound we talked to IVF nurse who explained our instructions for next two weeks. Basically more shots, more pills, more waiting. Shots are progesterone. They go in my back side- nurse drew two nice big targets with a sharpie for Scott. LOL. These are the shots women really dislike. The needle is bigger and the medicine is thick like cooking oil so it doesn't absorb fast. Nurse said its like getting a tentanus shot everyday. Sweet! This will thicken my uterine lining so babies can stick and stay. I will be on these shots at least until we see a heartbeat then we can possible switch to a suppository.
I will also be on antibiotics, a steroid (to help with implantation and make sure my body doesn't reject the embryos), and estrace- which, like the progesterone shots, helps thicken the uterine lining. That's all in addition to my regular pre natals, folic, and baby aspirin.
So all shots in belly are done! Last night we ewre instructed to give the HCG trigger shot (the most important shot of this whole deal) at 11:30PM. They have to time this shot perfectly with egg retrieval. I asked nurse if HCG made my eggs come out of the follicle- she said no- the egg is resting on the side wall of the follicle before the HCG shot. The HCG shot makes the egg detached from side wall of follicle and float in middle of follicle- right where we want it for retrieval! If we wait to long after giving HCG shot the egg will come out of the follicle (what we don't want for IVF cycle- but what you do what with IUI cycle) HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE CONCEIVE NATURALLY? It is a mystery to me.
So nurse also told me after retrieval all the drained follicles will fill back up with fluid and becoming cystic. That will cause some pain, bloating, etc and will take a  few weeks to go away. This is normal thing to happen with IVF patients and I need to stay hydrated, eat salty foods and protein and take it easy. This part makes me super nervous. Especially with my bowel problems/history.
Did I mention I am exhausted, sore and bloated? I am also getting excited!!! Nurse gave me a lab sheet to go get my blood pregnancy test on August 19th and also gave me a second one to repeat after first one comes back positive. WOW now that's positive thinking!! I did ask about the chances of triplets. She said chances of twins are 20%, and chances of trips are 5%.
Tomorrow my eggs will become my embryos! A embryologist will update me on my eggs/embryos Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning. Based on how my embryos grow/split/divide I will either have them transferred 3 days after retrieval or 5 days after retrieval. So Friday or Sunday I get my babies back and pray they "like the place" and want to stay for 9 months!!

   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



Ready to Trigger!





Follicle Love

I feel weird admitting this. But hey I am weird! I love these follicles like they are my babies already. I really do. I feel like I did when I was first pregnant with Carter- when I didn't feel pregnant or look pregnant. But I knew I loved that little being in me with everything I had.
I know my follies aren't embryos yet but I keep thinking one of these follicles that I have been growing and taking care of already is going to turn into an embryo, then eventually a fetus, then finally be in my arms. It's kind of surreal to think about. OK I'm done with the mushy shit.

Went back to Dr. today. I can happily say I see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! Tonight I take my Gonal 300IU and 150IU Menopur like normal. Saturday, I take my Cetrotide in AM then most likely a lower dose of Gonal/Menopur in PM. (Nurse will call to let me know how many IU's to take) THEN, Sunday I take my Cetrotide in AM, be in Akron at 7:45 for my last ultrasound and bloodwork, take my HCG trigger shot late at night (Probably around 10P.M.) to prepare for EGG RETREIVAL ON TUESDAY AUGUST 5TH!!!! Can you tell I'm anxious with a side of excitement?!
When Dr. was scanning me today I just shut my eyes most of the time because
1. It was quite uncomfortable 2. I am just plain tired of thinking and analyzing all this. Time to put it in the Dr.'s hands. It's his turn to take over and "do his thang".
From what he told me- most follicles today were around 15mm. He said 2 follies have to reach 18mm to trigger. We assuming two follies will be 18mm by Sunday- hence the appointment in Akron on Sunday to ensure this has happened.

Words cannot express how happy I am to lower how many needles are being shoved in my body per day. I have reached my limit I think. Tears begin to fall now right before injection time. I am super sore and bruised.

What am I doing this weekend you ask?? I will be praying.