I really thought I was pregnant. I had and felt so many strange symptoms. I'm assuming now it was all because of my borderline over stimulation. I knew on Thursday something was wrong
And/or I began to feel "not pregnant" anymore. I tested at home and it was positive. I went and got blood drawn and then Scott and I waited patiently all day for my blood test results. Around 2PM or so the nurse called and said the words I just felt she was going to say "it was negative." So the home test was a false positive due to Hcg (trigger shot) left in my system. Nurse told me to go back and get drawn again on Saturday to confirm the negative result.
My coping started on Thursday. And I surprisingly feel like I've done well until last night. I had a small meltdown (wine induced). I just don't know if I'm ever going to be 100% OK. I don't think I will. I will always fee a bit "broken" inside. I will always feel a little jealous of others who are able to grow their family. And I don't even want to think about Carter seriously asking me for a brother or sister. He has said it before but I don't think he really understood what he was saving. I don't know?
It honestly feels like we are dealing with a death in the family. That's how to mood is in the house. There's nothing we can do. We just try to move on best we can. We rely on each other for comfort and support, we try and distract each other.
We are selling all of Carter's baby equipment/toys. I already cleaned and piled everything in basement. I get my moments where I think I shouldn't get rid of everything but deep down I know it's the right choice. I "de babied" everything I could in this house. It's time to move on.
What a ride its been!!!! Almost 8 years of trying to get pregnant. Crazy! Ready to move on! Ready to enjoy my life once again. Ready to not wear the huge "I" on my forehead.
This blog had helped me tremendously throughout the years. And although I just brought it back to life recently, it's time to pack it away with all the other reminders of my "baby years". I will always have a place in my heart for those women/couples who have trouble conceiving. Especially with an "Unexplained" diagnosis. I will forever thank God for the miracle boy in my life. I told Scott on Saturday "I really don't understand where Carter came from?" I seems like nothing short of a true miracle for me to get and stay pregnant and then for him to survive my bowel obstruction when I was just 12 weeks pregnant.... A true, true miracle he is. And I will remind him until the day I die.
Scott told that when he was praying during the treatments before we had the IUI- he prayed it would work only if my body could handle the pregnancy. Now, on one hand I thought to myself my body is strong- it survived alot already- I can handle another labor and delivery! But looking back there was a chance for multiples (up to 4 this time) and I'm sure there was a chance of getting another bowel obstruction.
Point being- If this is the reason, the answer- I agree- I don't want to spend one second on this earth without Scott. I know God knows that. He is my partner. My true other half. And Carter just makes life that much more perfect!
Farewell blog! Thanks for listening.
P.S. Carter- when you old enough to read this. I love you more than words can say. I thought, dreamed and prayed for you the moment I met your Dad. You complete us 100%. You are my monkey butt, my boo, my hero. XOXOXO
Monday, March 11, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Catching up! 2008 to present
Aside from the zillion other things that have changed in my life since 2008 (all for the better I may add!) Unfortunately, infertility wise- not much has changed. In the summer of 2011 we went back to RE office where we had Carter and had a consult with the Dr. about our treatment options for a 2nd child. The visit did not go well. I was hurt by comments made by the Dr. and his disapproval of an infertility support group I began back in 2009. i was also hurt by comment made by the nurse suggesting I didn't go through alot the first time. In my mind I thought- I really don't think it matters if I went through 1 month of being at an RE's office or 6 years- it still feels like failure when you need help doing what should come natural. What should happen in privacy of your bedroom not a sterile Dr.'s office. And what shouldn't cost you thousands and thousands of dollars. Anyway.... We both go tested again because that is the only thing our insurance would cover. Scott's test came back normal and my HSG (dye test) came back normal as well. We put it all on back burner for a while because without insurance coverage for drugs or monitoring we didn't see how we would swing doing this all over again.
Fast forward to Fall 2012. With no luck thus far and our adoption views not the same we decided to visit the Dr. once more. Our old RE moved his practice and is no longer local. I found out from a woman I am now friends with from the infertility group I started that there is a new RE office with a group of RE's in our old RE's office. Their main office in Akron but they are in Canfield too. Reproductive Endocrinology, Inc. I call and make consult and we go in on Oct. 31, 2012. I told Dr. we were trying to decide whether to do injections/IUI (what worked with Carter) or just go for it-and do IVF. He took time with us, answered all of our questions and was willing to let me take control of my treatment decisions with I appreciated. Money wise IVF too expensive. At least 14K. The odds of success higher and I would of done this no problem if my miracle baby wasn't in my life yet but it didn't make sense for us. So we opted for injectibles/IUI again. I mentioned I was on an antagonist when i got pregnant with Carter (prevents early ovulation) and said I'd like to do this again and Dr. agreed to do that.
So, before we started treatment I got an SIS Saline Infused Ultrasound to make sure my uterus looked good- and it did- So we started our very expensive 1st round of FSH with IUI in Dec. 2012. Since I was paying for all of the out of pocket the nurse suggested I tried one month without the antagonist, because it is expensive. So I agreed. Well.... I started to ovulated early (we "think"). I found this out via a home OPK test. So the IUI was scheduled right after I got that positive on my OPK. I did not trigger my ovualtion we just tried to cover our bases with the IUI and regular sex. I knew my follicles were too small though. Odds were stacked against us for that cycle plus my Aunt got extremely ill and it was just an overall hard time emotionally for us. I had tiny hope it would work but it didn't.
In order to pay for these treatments we sold my Equinox and leased a Malibu. So we had a chunk of money to use for a baby. Now after the IUI didn't work and my Aunt got placed on life support in ICU our well pump broke at our house and we used half of our "baby money" to replace it. Wit's end i tell ya!!! One more time Scott and I said. One more time! That's all we can handle.
I had to skip January due to cyst on my ovary from all the FSH. So Feb rolls around, cyst gone and I'm ready to go. I make sure the Dr. office agrees and orders me the antagonist. All went well, took the FSH, took the antagonist, took the trigger, and Scott had his best count ever for the IUI. Odds are stacked for us this time! Our LAST time with an RE! IUI was Sunday Feb. 26, 2013. And I am taking a HPT this Sunday March 10th. All of this is strangely 1 week before we were inseminated with Carter (March 4, 2008).
If this works I am convinced I have discovered my explanation or my unexplained infertility. My egg is releasing too early from my follicle and it is not mature enough to fertilize/develop. This explains why I got pregnant with Carter and possibly why I miscarried too. Who knows? I really don't need an answer because Carter is here and because no matter what happens on Sunday I have the best husband, partner, best friend, supporter in the world- Scott. He saves me and as long as I have him and Carter by my side I will survive!
Fast forward to Fall 2012. With no luck thus far and our adoption views not the same we decided to visit the Dr. once more. Our old RE moved his practice and is no longer local. I found out from a woman I am now friends with from the infertility group I started that there is a new RE office with a group of RE's in our old RE's office. Their main office in Akron but they are in Canfield too. Reproductive Endocrinology, Inc. I call and make consult and we go in on Oct. 31, 2012. I told Dr. we were trying to decide whether to do injections/IUI (what worked with Carter) or just go for it-and do IVF. He took time with us, answered all of our questions and was willing to let me take control of my treatment decisions with I appreciated. Money wise IVF too expensive. At least 14K. The odds of success higher and I would of done this no problem if my miracle baby wasn't in my life yet but it didn't make sense for us. So we opted for injectibles/IUI again. I mentioned I was on an antagonist when i got pregnant with Carter (prevents early ovulation) and said I'd like to do this again and Dr. agreed to do that.
So, before we started treatment I got an SIS Saline Infused Ultrasound to make sure my uterus looked good- and it did- So we started our very expensive 1st round of FSH with IUI in Dec. 2012. Since I was paying for all of the out of pocket the nurse suggested I tried one month without the antagonist, because it is expensive. So I agreed. Well.... I started to ovulated early (we "think"). I found this out via a home OPK test. So the IUI was scheduled right after I got that positive on my OPK. I did not trigger my ovualtion we just tried to cover our bases with the IUI and regular sex. I knew my follicles were too small though. Odds were stacked against us for that cycle plus my Aunt got extremely ill and it was just an overall hard time emotionally for us. I had tiny hope it would work but it didn't.
In order to pay for these treatments we sold my Equinox and leased a Malibu. So we had a chunk of money to use for a baby. Now after the IUI didn't work and my Aunt got placed on life support in ICU our well pump broke at our house and we used half of our "baby money" to replace it. Wit's end i tell ya!!! One more time Scott and I said. One more time! That's all we can handle.
I had to skip January due to cyst on my ovary from all the FSH. So Feb rolls around, cyst gone and I'm ready to go. I make sure the Dr. office agrees and orders me the antagonist. All went well, took the FSH, took the antagonist, took the trigger, and Scott had his best count ever for the IUI. Odds are stacked for us this time! Our LAST time with an RE! IUI was Sunday Feb. 26, 2013. And I am taking a HPT this Sunday March 10th. All of this is strangely 1 week before we were inseminated with Carter (March 4, 2008).
If this works I am convinced I have discovered my explanation or my unexplained infertility. My egg is releasing too early from my follicle and it is not mature enough to fertilize/develop. This explains why I got pregnant with Carter and possibly why I miscarried too. Who knows? I really don't need an answer because Carter is here and because no matter what happens on Sunday I have the best husband, partner, best friend, supporter in the world- Scott. He saves me and as long as I have him and Carter by my side I will survive!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Over 4 years later- New job, new house but one thing remains the same...
Well here's a picture of that miracle boy that was born about 3 weeks after my last post! Carter Scott 11/21/2008. He is 4 years old and an amazing, sweet, hilarious miracle child!!! Life has been so wonderful with him in it! I was an exclusive stay at home mommy until about a year ago when an opportunity arose for me to go back to work part time doing administrative work at an Engineering office. I took the job and I love it! It was refreshing using other parts of my brain again :) Lots of Reproductive Endocrinology stuff to catch up on but here's the short of it. We went off all forms of birth control when Carter was about 7 months. Then we started "really" trying a bit before he turned 3. Then started with a new RE office (Dr. Hecht's no longer local) a bit before Carter turned 4. We went straight to injections/IUI. We are currently in the 2 week wait on our last and final medicated cycle. We are out of money and emotions! We test in about 5 days to see if Carter will be an only child or not. More dets to follow but was excited to post to my blog again!!!
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