13 weeks 2 days and one gender revealed!!!

I'm 13 weeks now and its kind of a milestone for me. When I was 12 and a half weeks pregnant with Carter I had one of the worst experiences of my life- a bowel obstruction. I still have flashbacks and nightmares about it but no more living in the past! Right now, all systems seem to be working quite well :) I went in for my last RE appointment on Oct. 17th. The babies looked good. The one still measuring smaller than the other (5 days apart- last ultrasound they were 4 days apart). Not gonna lie, I am kind of nervous about this. The smaller baby has a faster heartbeat still. (That's my peanut princess). Dr. said one is "significantly" bigger than the other but they look good. Dr. also tells me the genetic testing came back good on both babies. All the chromosome counts are good. So that chance of something being wrong (genetically) is 1 in 10,000 (I think he said). He then says "Did you want to know the sex of the babies?" Uhhhhhhhhh YEA!! I say. He says the Y chromosome did show up on the genetic testing bloodwork so he knows at least one of them is a boy! He said we can rule out two girls. When he said boy I immediately got emotional. 1. Because I have a boy and I know "boys" and 2. Carter gets the brother he's been asking for!! I also immediately wanted to call Scott to tell him this wonderful news. I can't believe I'm going to have another handsome, kind, loving, sweet baby boy. I feel like I'm more of a boy mom :) But I am still holding on to the possibility the other twin is my peanut princess!! (Yes, I'm already assuming the big one is a boy and the smaller one is a girl)
I had my 1st appointment with my midwife on Monday Oct. 20th. It didn't really go how I wanted it too. I did have my list of concerns I went over with her but all her answers were in "lecture form" and there's ALWAYS issues with the computer system/program they use when I'm there. It always seems like she's more concerned getting data into the computer than she is of really listening to me. But the good news is she is sending me to the OB/GYN she works with Dr. Canby and a high risk Dr.- Dr. Khawli. I do have a follow up with her on Nov. 3rd where she is going to give me results of extra bloodwork she took, pap test she did (the pap RE did came out with "inconclusive results") and I am also having an ultrasound that day. Then I think I will make my 1st appointment with Canby. I will see the high risk Dr. around 18 weeks she said. I'm really anxious to meet Canby. She will be delivering my babies. I hope I "jive" with her. If I don't- who knows what I will do? I'm just trying to take this all in one appointment at a time.
My anxiety has been through the roof! I am not nervous about after they are home. I am nervous about getting them here- safe, sound and big/healthy enough to stay out of the NICU. I am already a worrier and with this totally new experience of twins I am at my anxiety limit. I feel like I am walking on eggshells everyday (does that analogy make sense?). At night I imagine myself taking all the worries I feel in my head and heart and giving them to God. God can handle it. My church once preached that worries and anxiety are forms of unbelief in God. I know God is working for me, for my babies, for my family. I feel like this battle was over the day we got the call it was positive. You know the saying- "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" Well, I feel like we've gotten everything we could handle already. The fight is over. But.... I'm a mom and mom's worry. It's our full time job. I loved these babies when they were follicles and then when they were fertilized eggs and embryos and then when they were put back in me as blastocysts- small as a pin head. I want to protect them and I feel like I don't have full control right now. I know my body knows what to do but honestly I'm scared. I just want them here. I said it the moment we found out we were having twins. I just want someone to guarantee me both these miracle will be in my arms in the end. I think that's how it is when you are diagnosed infertile. You refuse to believe it until the baby (ies) is (are) here. You've been let down a lot in this department. You just want your happy ending. You want to skip the pregnancy and hold the miracle you worked and prayed so damn hard for. That's how I feel.
Someone told me those worries, fears and anxieties are Satan trying to take my joy away. Well bug off Satan! God is in control and He is by my side no matter what. He takes all my worries. He is Big enough to handle the million "what-if's" running through my head.
I just have to learn not to keep taking them back.
I really hope we can confirm the sex of the second twin on Nov. 3rd. Then I can get started on the room and clothes and NAMES! We already have it narrowed down though :) Physically I feel pretty good. The aversion to certain foods is kinda going away. I can stomach meat and salad and even wanted ice cream the other day! I am still tired tho. Waiting for the 2nd trimester burst of energy (does that exist??) My 13 week bump is the size of my 18-20 week bump with Carter. I don't really know how much weight I've gained. Its hard to keep track when all the fertility drugs made me bloated and probably made me gain a little weight too. I do think I'm starting to feel the babies. I can feel flutters/bubbles every now and then. I love it. I'm sure when they both big and kicking me hard I may not "love" it like I do now. Who am I kidding, I probably still will. Lol

Still needle free and happy as can be!

Everything went good at my appointment last Friday. One baby is measuring 4 days smaller than the other. The smaller one's heartbeat was 182 and the bigger one's heartbeat was 167. I started to freak out a little at the size difference but Dr. said it is normal for them to measure different and they usually like to see them within a week of each other. I also got pap culture done (UGH) and I opted to do the non invasive genetic testing where they test for chromosome defects. I hesitated getting this test done because it won't change anything but if something were to be "off" with either one I would want to know so I can research and prepare. My last appointment with RE is Oct. 17th then he is going to release me to my regular OB (which is a midwife) I will make an appointment with her after the 17th to discuss ALL of my questions regarding birthing twins, my past placenta issues and what Dr.'s she will be sending me too. Here is Johnson & Johnson's latest pic!

The smaller one (one on top sort of) was waving at me. It was amazing!!! I also decided to announce on Facebook here is the picture and status I posted 

"We began this year on one path and God led us to take another. This summer has been one of the hardest and greatest. IVF was nothing like I expected. To my prayer team who walked this journey with me. Your love, support, celebrations and most importantly prayers undoubtedly kept me going. I can't thank you enough! Scott, Carter and I are extremely Blessed and over the moon! My miracles with a side of science :)
Or in other words... Holy S#!@ we're having twins!!!!"

I received so many heartfelt comments, messages and texts. I printed them all out to put in the babies scrapbook! It was an emotional day reading everyone's comments. We are truly Blessed. Well that's all for now. Just super anxious to know genders so we can figure out names! We have it narrowed down though. I think. Lol.

 

10 weeks 1 day. Good riddance needles!!!

Well its been while since I wrote. Mostly because I've been busy at work, exhausted or not feeling well. The nausea still there sometimes but the crazy hunger has begun! It has woken me up a few times this week and it seems like 2 hours after I eat a meal I am starving again! The worst is when I'm so hungry but nothing sounds good. I am so happy to report that I *think* my injections are done!!! This past week has been nothing short of horrible when it came time for my nightly shot of progesterone. In addition to being sore, lumpy and red, I was bleeding immensely when Scott withdrew the needle. Blood would actually drip on floor. We both were super frustrated so I called Dr. on Monday to asked to be put on progesterone gel instead of injections and they agreed. If I start spotting I will go back on shots but so far so good! (Fingers and toes crossed!!) I go back to Dr. this Friday and I may be taken off all forms of progesterone. Last night was my first night without a shot since July 24th. I did some math- 90+ self injected needles in my body since July 24th. I am ready to make all the pokes in my stomach and backside a memory!
My herniated discs have been extremely flared the past couple weeks. I can tell it's nerve pain hitting the discs. I don't know what is causing it- the progesterone, the estrogen pills, the pregnancy or all three. I do know that it feel 70% better today. So, maybe it was the progesterone injections? If it returns I will need to go to physical therapy because I can only imagine what my back in going to feel like once I am carrying a lot of weight.
I am anxious to go to my appointment on Friday. Since I can't feel these babies yet I need to see them to ease my constant worries about their health. I still can't believe I'm going have twins and be a mother of 3. It's just crazy! I can't wait to hold them. I don't want to say this "out loud" but I think they are girls. Maybe... or maybe I feel like one is a girl. I'm almost ready to make it "Facebook official" even though sometimes I want to ban Facebook from my life but I am really excited and want to share my good news!! Scott started his nesting phase already. He emptied the babies room, put up a crib, cleaned out the closet, put in a ceiling fan (b/c it reduces chance of sids), and made a playroom for Carter down stairs. My sister graciously let me borrow her infant equipment and even dropped some items off already and my friend is making me a list of all her infant stuff as well. My in laws found us a changing table and we bought a nice double umbrella stroller at a garage sale the other weekend. I feel like we are on our way and will be OK with everyone's help! I read you want to be fully ready by 30 weeks with twins- that's around Valentine's Day for us.
Here is an updated pic- taken almost 2 weeks ago of Johnson&Johnson :)

Still processing

All was going well until Saturday September 6th morning. The day I've been waiting for. The day I got to see the heartbeat and breath a little easier. That is not exactly what happened. After sleeping really crappy on Friday night due to nerves and excitement I wake up Saturday morning and go to the restroom like I always do. Blood. Lots of it. I pretty much yell "Oh My God!" and start panicking. Scott comes running sees what I see and starts crying. I really thought I was beginning to miscarry. The whole way to Akron to get our ultrasound was silent. Except for my burst of tears. I almost lost it in the waiting area and completely lost it when our Dr. walked into the room. I told him about the blood and how I am nervous and can't calm myself down. He put ultrasound probe in. I had my eyes shut tight. I was terrified. Scott sniffles and nudges me on the shoulder. Before I could open my eyes and look at the screen I hear the heartbeat. I still can't pull it together. Dr. tells me heartbeat is 126 (wanted a heartbeat over 100) and measuring 6 weeks 3 days-right where it should be. Still crying I ask so there's just one? He says "No there is two". Now my hands start to go numb and I think I may pass out. All I kept thinking was I am going to lose one due to the bleeding this morning. He said heartbeat is 126 and measuring the same 6 weeks 3 days. He also points out a dark spot by one of the placentas and said that may be a slight detachment and wants me to stay off my feet for the weekend. Also explains there is a chance one of the multiples "diminishing" but both look good so far. Dr. said that a third of woman experience bleeding in early pregnancy and to call if bleeding gets heavy or I get cramps. He says he will see me to two weeks.
I didn't pull it together much that day. I was too terrified to move. I didn't want the bleeding to continue. I just wanted someone to tell me that they both will make it all the way. The fact that there were two didn't hit me until days later. I just want them both to be healthy. That's all.
The bleeding did go away and I hope it stays away. The fact that we are having twins hits me in different ways everyday. There are 1000 and 1 "what if's?" but I try to remind myself this is my last pregnancy and to enjoy it. (After the progesterone shots, injection site pain, back pain, complete exhaustion and nausea go away of course).
Last but not least. I know I can handle anything with Scott by my side. He is my partner on this crazy adventure and we will laugh, cry, celebrate, comfort and worry together! Just like we have been doing for the past 11 years.
Carter's reaction to the news of 2 wasn't that thrilling. He gave us a big smile then kept on eating his lunch. Lol. I did show him the ultrasound pictures and he said they look like quesadillas....?? Lol. Also this past weekend when I told Carter Dr. said to stay off my feet. He said "Just walk on your toes then Mommy". Last night when putting him to bed he says "I just don't know how we are going to adopt two babies" I said "We aren't adopting the babies they are coming out of Mommy's belly" He said "Oh, how are we going to keep them?" I laughed and said they are going to live in the computer room. They are both going to share that bedroom" "Oh" he says.
Lastly, I am so grateful for all the phone calls and texts of love, prayers, support and celebration. There are so many people who I can feel are so truly happy and excited for us. People who have been experiencing this IVF journey with us from the start, who have been our prayer team! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for making us feel so loved.
This has been one of the hardest things I have been through physically and emotionally. No words can describe how I will feel when I am holding those babies. They are true miracles. Just like Carter. My three miracles with a side of science :)

I ate 3/4 can of sauerkraut for dinner.

That is all.

So over the needles and is Sept. 6th here yet???

After I am in the clear to stop progesterone shots, I will happy if I never see another needle again. Since July 23rd I've had 53 needles injected into my body by myself or Scott. That number does not include all the blood work and IV for anesthesia. Nor does it include the handful of oral pills I've been on this whole time.
Again, how do people conceive naturally? It's really beyond my comprehension.
I feel pretty normal and my bloating has gone down quite a bit. I am so so so nervous because I can't feel anything and because of the fact I feel normal. I know I felt normal with Carter so I try to remind myself so that 1000x's a day. I can't believe I have a full week and 1 day to wait to get this ultrasound. I may go insane by then.
Carter is starting kindergarten next week so that will keep me busy and sad... Lol. I already miss him. The fair is this weekend and its a long weekend for Scott so that should help too.
Ugh. WAITING IS NOT FUN!!!

The best voicemail EVER

So Tuesday rolls around and I am on my way to the lab to get my blood drawn to see if my embie babies stuck around. I had quite a meltdown on the way there. I just wanted to know if I was going to have the best day or the worst day. Right after I got home we left for Erie, PA. We wanted to take C to Waldmaeer Park to go on rides because that is all he has been talking about all summer. Unbeknownst to me, Waldameer did not open until noon. So we decided to check out Presque Isle Beach until the park opened. We got to the beach around 11:15 AM. Earlier that morning I joked around saying "Wouldn't it be funny if I didn't have any cell phone service in Erie?"
Well... needless to say as I was sitting on the sand looking at lake Erie, clenching and staring at my phone like I was doing all morning and I hear my phone beep. I look down and see new voicemail. I MISSED THE CALL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Turns out I didn't have good reception on Presque Isle beach. So I dial my voice mail, put it on speaker phone and with Scott by my side we hear the nurse say the words we most desperately wanted to hear. It is positive. We lost it. We hugged and cried and were in complete shock. I'm glad I missed the call. Scott and I were able to hear the news together and had a few minutes to ourselves to celebrate and Thank God.
I called nurse back few minutes later and she told me they were looking for an HCG count of at least 50. Mine was 329 and they are very happy with that number. I immediately asked if this is an indication of multiples. She says it could be but really no way to tell except with an ultrasound. We go over some more things and she says go back to same lab on Thursday to get repeat blood work- she will call me with Thursday's numbers and schedule the ultrasound for 2 to 2.5 weeks later.
After I got off the phone Carter asked me from the back seat of the car "What did they say Mommy?" I just looked at him and said "They said there's a baby in there." He smiled the biggest smile and said "There is???" I said "yes" he said "Yea, there's a baby in there!"
We made our calls to our family and friends who were waiting for the answer and for the rest of the day I watched Carter and Scott go on rides while I sat and hydrated. It was an amazing day.
Thursday I went back for repeat blood work and my HCG of 329 doubled to 671. That is what we wanted it to do! 1st ultrasound will either be on Friday Sept 5th or Saturday Sept. 6th. I am still in shock. I still don't believe it. I really just want to see the heartbeat(s).


What a journey!!! That's all I can say....

:)

That heavy feeling

It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am eternally grateful for all the people praying and thinking about us but I am also scared I am going to possibly let each one of those people down. Being open about IVF is a double edge sword. I want prayers and I'm not ashamed to ask for them. I also am excited about IVF and it is literally ALL I have been thinking about. I am also not ashamed of my infertility, if anything I want to bring awareness to the subject and help others who have never dealt with it be more empathic with their words(and suggestions)- to me- or in general.
I felt really negative yesterday. I keep hearing "bad news" phone calls from my past in my head. "Its negative, its negative, its negative..." I've only heard "it's positive" twice in 9 years of trying and one of those times ended in miscarriage. I can also pictures the hundreds(?) of negative pregnancy tests I have used throughout the years. I will say to my close family, "I don't know why I am so negative?", "I'm pissing myself off". But I know exactly why I am negative. It doesn't justify it but it's really all I know.
What I do know is my Faith is in the right place. I know no matter what happens I trust God and His plan for me. I think back to the moment when the adoption social worker left our house after she conducted our first home visit. I knew I couldn't go through with the adoption at that moment. I knew it was the wrong choice at that moment. I just knew I had to go back to the Dr. and try IVF. I believe that was the Holy Spirit guiding me to where we are at today. And Scott felt the exact same way when I cried and cried and cried to him that afternoon.
There is no way Scott and I could of been OK not doing this. We both felt like we just NEEDED to do this before it was "too late". We will survive no matter what the outcome. We will lean on each other like we've been doing for the past 16 years. I can conquer any situation with that man by my side. He saves me.
I will change the subject now that I am tearing up. I feel pretty normal except I am bloated. I have had some period cramps here and there and a really strange pain in my belly area (right above my belly button) It felt like a pulling/pinching/can't stand up straight. It only lasted about 20 minutes. We have decided to go to take Carter to Waldameer on Tuesday after we go get my blood work- So I will either be a happy camper watching Carter and Scott ride all the rides or I will be looking for the nearest bar for Scott to drop me off at!

Ice Ice Babies

Ended up with 6 frozen embryos!!! That puts my mind at ease a little. I read yesterday that a blastocyst is the size of Roosevelt's eye on the head of a dime.
I'm trying to wrap my head around what is going on inside my uterus right now. I'm anxious to go back to work on Wednesday. I need to keep busy! I keep replaying how happy and impressed the embryologist was with the quality of our embryos on Sunday.
I found this online too:

Holy full bladder

So it's over!!! All went well. The transfer didn't go how I expected because I had to have a full bladder during the transfer and it was quite uncomfortable. I was tense and just trying to concentrate on not peeing on the Dr. Lol. My eyes were shut the most of the time. I did ask Dr. How my uterus looked, he said good but it will look even better with two embryos in it. I agree!! We watched our two best embryos get sucked up the catheter. One was "collapsed" but is a normal function of a blastocyst. I'm going to ask more questions about this tomorrow when Dr. calls.
The embryologist seemed really impressed with the quality of our embryos. They get graded on a few different things and I know one of the two had a grade of A!! And I believe the other was close behind! I was cloudy from the Valium they instructed me to take before the transfer so my memory is a bit jogged. I got up and went to restroom right after transfer and after I asked the Dr. (A few times) If everything went ok, even with me being so so tense. He assured me all went perfect. I also asked the stupid question of "these won't fall out when I stand up will they?" Lol. I knew the answer but I HAD to ask. The Valium is finally leaving my system 12 hours later! It made me cry, snort laugh, then exhausted. I'm glad to be starting to feel better finally.
I'm assuming I will get a call tomorrow to let me know how many will be frozen. It looks like 3 for sure, possibility of more.
Now for the wait. God give me the strength!!!

Transfer Day Pics!

Not ready to talk but here's the highlights!!

Day 3 embryo progress

We'll I didn't sleep last night. I was so nervous and anxious for the phone call. The embryologist called at 8:45 this morning. He asked "How are you?" I said "nervous" he said no need to be nervous. Out of the 12 fertilized embryos, 8 of them are 6-8 cells (where they should be today), the other 4 embryos are 5 cells and can still can catch up and be viable blastocysts at day 5. So they are confident with doing a five day transfer given the 8 embryos that are 6-8 cells today. He said it is unlikely that all 12 will make it to blastocyst stage and he is guessing half will make it to be good enough to be transferred and/or frozen. So.... It sounds like I will have some embryos to freeze if these fresh ones don't stick. He said at the blastocyst stage the embryos have 100 cells and at this point it is like a "weeding out" process. The good viable embryos will keep growing and ones that are not so good will stop growing.
He told me to be in Akron at 9:15 on Sunday. They will show us pictures of the embryos and transfer will be at 9:30. He also said to drink 16oz of fluid at 8:30 (a full bladder helps them see where they are transferring) and take my Valium (so I can relax, yeah relax, what's that?).
Holy Moly!!! This it it, it's almost over..... I'm really trying to stay positive. I actually do feel pretty positive because I think after all of this how can I not get pregnant???

Retrieval Recovery

Well I have to say Tuesday and Wednesday haven't been fun. Today I feel half normal and haven't had to resort to any vicodin (yet). I didn't want to take any yesterday because I believe they can make your constipation worse and me and constipation do not do good together.... that's all I'll say on that subject.
Tuesday the pain reminded me of after giving birth but on a way way lesser scale. Pressure and soreness. Yesterday it was bloating pain from the empty follicles filling up with fluid. The pain traveled up and it hurt to move, cry, sleep, walk, stand. I couldn't get comfortable at all. At one point I thought I was going to vomit but thank goodness I didn't.
Today it still hurts to get in and out of the chair/bed and when I walk I have to hold my stomach but the pain is more manageable.  Holy Hell! I never knew bloating could be so painful.
The hours cannot go by any slower today. I just want my phone call tomorrow AM about my embryos and how they are doing. I hope I can sleep tonight. I'm really hoping the transfer will be Sunday so I can give my body more time to heal and feel "normal".
My bottom is sore from last night's progesterone. Seems like the left side is more sensitive than the right?
I really want to tell Carter more details about what's going on but I know that's not the right thing to do. I just keep telling him "Mommy's almost done trying to fix her belly" and when we pray we thank the Dr.'s who are helping me. It's my dream to tell him he's going to be a brother. I'm pretty sure he will be over the moon excited that we will have "another kid living here" (preferably a brother to him). He will be an awesome brother because he is so sweet and has his Dad's amazing heart.
It's it Friday yet?????????

Day 1 after retrieval update

Well embryo guy just called. He said we had 16 embryos, all 16 were mature and 12 fertilized normally! Wooooooooo!!
Not all 12 will make it all the way to good embryos stage but he said my day 1 results were better than they expected :)
He is thinking it will be a 5 day transfer, but 3 day transfer is still a possibility. They are looking for 4 near perfect embryos on day 3 in order to do a 5 day transfer.
I get another call Friday around 9:30 to give me more details on progress and to let me know if it will be a 3 day transfer or a 5 day.
I'm really hoping for 6 perfect embie babies. 4 will be good too! That way I have some frozen if the fresh don't take.

I'm going to hibernate until Friday now.

Retrieval Day!!! August 5th 2014

Well my eggs have been retrieved! At first Dr. told us 16. Then later the embryologist told us 15 with 9 looking like they are mature. Embryologist is going to call before noon to let us know how many fertilized and when she is thinking transfer will be.
I was in more pain than I expected yesterday but seems like it's much better today. I was terrified about the progesterone shot last night but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I think the worst part about the shots will be the soreness in my bottom. The whole egg retrieval process was kinda "weird". I felt like I was just another vagina on an assembly line. Lol. But, it's over and I feel semi OK today. I can't wait to hear how are babies are doing!!!!

Are we there yet?

There's me at the Dr. office in Akron at 7:45 Sunday morning giving the thumbs up! Follicles are ready to go! He only measured the big ones but I noticed sizes of 18mm, 19mm, and 20mm. I asked him what he's prediction was on how many would be retrieved. He said without counting based on his experience- he thinks I will have 22 eggs retrieved and 14 of those 22 will be mature. That made me smile ear to ear!!! He also said something to the effect of "Not seeing any problem starting a family with my quantity of follicles" We told him we had an IUI child already so he made a joke saying we are trying all methods- so after IVF done we will conceive naturally. I hope after this IVF that my trying to conceive journey is finally closed because it's been a long, long journey.
After we had our ultra sound we talked to IVF nurse who explained our instructions for next two weeks. Basically more shots, more pills, more waiting. Shots are progesterone. They go in my back side- nurse drew two nice big targets with a sharpie for Scott. LOL. These are the shots women really dislike. The needle is bigger and the medicine is thick like cooking oil so it doesn't absorb fast. Nurse said its like getting a tentanus shot everyday. Sweet! This will thicken my uterine lining so babies can stick and stay. I will be on these shots at least until we see a heartbeat then we can possible switch to a suppository.
I will also be on antibiotics, a steroid (to help with implantation and make sure my body doesn't reject the embryos), and estrace- which, like the progesterone shots, helps thicken the uterine lining. That's all in addition to my regular pre natals, folic, and baby aspirin.
So all shots in belly are done! Last night we ewre instructed to give the HCG trigger shot (the most important shot of this whole deal) at 11:30PM. They have to time this shot perfectly with egg retrieval. I asked nurse if HCG made my eggs come out of the follicle- she said no- the egg is resting on the side wall of the follicle before the HCG shot. The HCG shot makes the egg detached from side wall of follicle and float in middle of follicle- right where we want it for retrieval! If we wait to long after giving HCG shot the egg will come out of the follicle (what we don't want for IVF cycle- but what you do what with IUI cycle) HOW THE HELL DO PEOPLE CONCEIVE NATURALLY? It is a mystery to me.
So nurse also told me after retrieval all the drained follicles will fill back up with fluid and becoming cystic. That will cause some pain, bloating, etc and will take a  few weeks to go away. This is normal thing to happen with IVF patients and I need to stay hydrated, eat salty foods and protein and take it easy. This part makes me super nervous. Especially with my bowel problems/history.
Did I mention I am exhausted, sore and bloated? I am also getting excited!!! Nurse gave me a lab sheet to go get my blood pregnancy test on August 19th and also gave me a second one to repeat after first one comes back positive. WOW now that's positive thinking!! I did ask about the chances of triplets. She said chances of twins are 20%, and chances of trips are 5%.
Tomorrow my eggs will become my embryos! A embryologist will update me on my eggs/embryos Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning. Based on how my embryos grow/split/divide I will either have them transferred 3 days after retrieval or 5 days after retrieval. So Friday or Sunday I get my babies back and pray they "like the place" and want to stay for 9 months!!

   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



Ready to Trigger!





Follicle Love

I feel weird admitting this. But hey I am weird! I love these follicles like they are my babies already. I really do. I feel like I did when I was first pregnant with Carter- when I didn't feel pregnant or look pregnant. But I knew I loved that little being in me with everything I had.
I know my follies aren't embryos yet but I keep thinking one of these follicles that I have been growing and taking care of already is going to turn into an embryo, then eventually a fetus, then finally be in my arms. It's kind of surreal to think about. OK I'm done with the mushy shit.

Went back to Dr. today. I can happily say I see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! Tonight I take my Gonal 300IU and 150IU Menopur like normal. Saturday, I take my Cetrotide in AM then most likely a lower dose of Gonal/Menopur in PM. (Nurse will call to let me know how many IU's to take) THEN, Sunday I take my Cetrotide in AM, be in Akron at 7:45 for my last ultrasound and bloodwork, take my HCG trigger shot late at night (Probably around 10P.M.) to prepare for EGG RETREIVAL ON TUESDAY AUGUST 5TH!!!! Can you tell I'm anxious with a side of excitement?!
When Dr. was scanning me today I just shut my eyes most of the time because
1. It was quite uncomfortable 2. I am just plain tired of thinking and analyzing all this. Time to put it in the Dr.'s hands. It's his turn to take over and "do his thang".
From what he told me- most follicles today were around 15mm. He said 2 follies have to reach 18mm to trigger. We assuming two follies will be 18mm by Sunday- hence the appointment in Akron on Sunday to ensure this has happened.

Words cannot express how happy I am to lower how many needles are being shoved in my body per day. I have reached my limit I think. Tears begin to fall now right before injection time. I am super sore and bruised.

What am I doing this weekend you ask?? I will be praying.

Just an F.Y.I today

I found this article that explains egg retrieval well- Here's the link

Article explaining egg retrieval

And when I go in for ultrasound every 2 days- this is what my ovaries look like. Big honeycombs! All the dark circles are follicles. Follicles contain the eggs for baby making! However, not all follicles have eggs or the egg inside a follicle may not be mature enough to be fertilized.

In a normal "drink tequila and get pregnant" scenario one only follicle would grow large and be the dominant follicle and get fertilized.

I never really liked tequila anyway....

"There are plenty of follicles" Music to my ears!!!

Those were the words of my Dr. today. I am a slow grower but I do have a least 19 follicles total and most growing at same rate- size was around 12-13mm. I go back on Friday for another looksee. I am almost excited. I just want to make it to egg retrieval. I don't know why I feel like I'm doomed for disaster. (Aunt Jess says its because of my past experiences and I'm sure she's right).
I've never wanted time to go quicker in all my life! I still feel like I'm going to ovulate early or I already started ovulating. But Dr. is saying all is well and that's why I am on the Cetrotide - to prevent early ovulation. I am really, really, really trying to trust him. It's difficult when I have SO much invested- emotionally, spiritually, financially.

Scott is the best mixer ever!!!

Paging Dr. Johnson: http://youtu.be/5S6kXdmW7FY

And I think we need a new waste container!!

Extreme exhaustion (and emotions)

For the past couple of days I have been extremely tired. I just read online that Menopur makes a lot of women tired. I don't ever remember being this tired on FSH before and Menopur is a new drug to me so maybe that's it. Or maybe it's because my body is working over time to make lots of follicles. Whatever the reason-it's horrible. And then there's my emotions. Carter starts crying today saying he misses Gracie (our Saint Bernard we had to put down last November) I really tried holding it together for his sake but I miss her too. I miss putting my hands in her fur on her big head and cuddling with her. She was with me through all our other infertility treatments and I miss her being here too so I cried with Carter. Cried like a baby.
Got a call from nurse saying Dr. Looked at my bloodwork from yesterday and my estrogen level was 427 and I should start the Cetrotide today and continue daily until I am ready to trigger (right before egg retrieval). Scott wasn't home so I had to mix and administer myself. It went semi smooth. Made a mistake when I was getting air out of syringe and I lost a tiny bit of medication. Rookie mistake. Most of it got in my system around 11:45AM. Tomorrow and the days following I will take this injection between 6 and 8AM. And still do Gonal and Menopur at night between 7 and 9PM. So 3 shots daily probably until the weekend. I am super anxious to go back tomorrow to see how big my follies are.
Today I feel like a hot mess.

Officially bloated

When I woke up I thought it was because of the half pound black and blue burger I destroyed at my birthday dinner last night but as the day when on I have been feeling more and more ovary pressure and I think its safe to say my follicles are showing. It feels like I'm 3 months pregnant and I know this is only going to get worse as the days go on.
Well it is my 33rd birthday today and this is what I have to say about it

I went in and saw Dr. Moretuzzo and I feel much better about my body than I did on Saturday. He was able to see 10 follies on right and 6 follies on left. Out of 16- he measured 8 that were all around the same size - 10. Seems like they growing 2mm per day. These have to get to size of 18 before they are retrieved. Dr. says I am a slow responder (which I knew already) and instead of the average 9-11 days of stims, I will on stims for 11 to 13 days. He is guesstimating the egg retrieval will be next Wednesday August 6th. I'm probably not starting Cetrotide until this Wed. when I go back for another ultrasound and bloodwork. Cetrotide will prevent me from ovulating early. Dr. said he doesn't want to start Cetrotide until my Estrogen is 400 or above or when my follies are size 14. I got bloodwork done today so if my estrogen is 400 or higher nurse will call and tell me if I need to start Cetrotide earlier.

 

I needed to order more meds. (UGH, Damn slow responding body. You expensive!) So I the pharmacy just called trying to charge me double than what I paid last time. All they want is my credit card number. They are not too empathic on the phone. (understatement). I told the lady she not getting my credit card number until she gets my total right.

 

So that's it for today. I'm a tad bit tired of the shots in the belly. And I think Scott is a tad bit tired of giving them to me. My stomach looks like a pin cushion. A pin cushion with a side of bruising.

 

 

Uterus selfie!

My sister got me a good luck uterus for my birthday! Lol. I love it!!!

Expectations

My appointment on Sat. Morning in Akron did not go how I wanted it to. I was hoping for more follicles and was hoping they were a little larger. As soon as the Dr. "went in" she said it look like my ovaries weren't doing much. Great.... I asked it is was normal for my follicles to be that small (and amount) given the amount of medicine I am on. Her response was "everyone is different" Great.... So back on same protocol (300iu Gonal; 150in Menopur) until Monday at 2:30 when I see Moretuzzo in the Canfield office. I had 7 follies. 4 on right, 3 on left all ranging from 4 to 7. They have to grow to around18- 20 I believe before they are ready to be retrieved. I asked nurse if 7 was it? Because I know it's not guaranteed all will grow. She said sometimes its hard to see them all and some more may show up. She also mentions if I don't feel comfortable with this cycle and if I feel like I can do better we can cancel the IVF and change it into an IUI cycle. This bothered me because I felt like she was saying it's not going to be a favorable cycle for IVF. But I know it's super early and I think the Dr. will tell me if he thinks the IVF would not be the right choice given all the circumstances. I think she said that too because she sensed my disappointment with the amount and size of follicles. Idk but I'm really starting to feel more and more broken. Like it's my fault because I have "old" eggs. I know Scott loves me with all his heart and soul and I know we have a miracle son who I grew, carried and delivered but if I sit here and think about why we don't have any more miracles running around- it's because of me. It's nothing I did or could of prevented but I still feel bad, guilty and broken.

Carter knows we are trying to "fix my belly". The other day before my shots he gave me a hug and said he hopes my belly gets fixed so "he" can have a baby. Lol. He also requests a brother all the time. I've gotten use to hearing those painful words come out. But last night before I put him to bed he said "Mom, if you can't fix your belly can we adopt a kid who doesn't have a Mom". I didn't know what to say except "We'll talk about it later".
I've been pretty down in the dumps and wanting to quit but I will keep fighting. That's what you do for your kids. You will go to the ends of the earth, put yourself through hell, and fight til the final round for them - even if you've never met yet.

Injection day 1 is done.

Well after a 12 hour day of work, soccer practice and driving- we completed our first day of injections at 9PM last night (In addition to 6 oral meds taken throughout the day). All went well. Except my freak out at Scott when he wasn't going to grab my skin before darting needle in. Hence why I named the video what I did. We laughed really hard when we watched the video after we were done! I have to say- I give my Scott a lot of credit! He did my injections for me in 2007 and 2008. But when we went back in 2012 I injected  myself so he was a little rusty (and shaky!). The menopur burned but not for too long. Now all I need to do is cheer my follicles on. GROW FOLLIES, GROW! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

We will be repeating same protocol tonight and Friday.
P.S. I picked the song "Get down on it" for the video because the last time I was at RE office to get trans vaginal ultrasound it was playing and I felt like it was awkward and appropriate??

Video:
"What are you a rookie?"

Kitty got a new bed today!!!!

My drugs and adorable son: http://youtu.be/tXbPMJOnFwY

Got drugs??

"Checks outs me drugs matey". (Not sure why I think pirate voice is needed here)
That's a wonderful supply of Gonal-f, Menopur, Cetrotide, HCG, Progesterone in oil, doxycycline, foltx, medrol, valium, vicodin, estradiol, CoQ10, baby aspirin, and I can't leave out good ol' prenatal vitamins!
(Changing voice to the SNL characters now) "I am ready to puuump my ovaries up!"

Injection Day 1 is here!!!!!

Staring at my phone.

Follow up with Moretuzzo last Friday went OK. My polyp came back normal. My ovaries and uterus are resting and I'm clear to go! But wait- it's not that simple. I asked Dr. if I can try and schedule retrieval around the week of Aug. 18th because Scott will be on vacation that week. He explained to me that he doesn't want me to be on birth control for more than 7 weeks. 7 weeks was the max number of weeks he wanted me to be on the active pills for. Once he said "max" I said forget it. Let's start sooner. I told Dr. if this doesn't work I will think its because I was on birth control the "max" number of weeks so we agreed that we will schedule consent signing (basically signing a zillion waivers stating I understand the zillion things that could go wrong- and handing over $7,500) on Monday July 21st and start my meds that day as well.
I got a call on Monday from another nurse (Not main IVF nurse) and she says Dr. wants me to wait some more and continue taking active birth control and it is OK to do so. Her explanation for this was the main nurse is out of office until Friday- which is today July 18th and SHE has to set us my consent signing. PLUS Moretuzzo forgot when I saw him last Friday that is out of the office on Monday the 21st (He has to be present for consent signing). Confused yet??? I am.

So basically staring at my phone waiting for main nurse to call to tell me when consent signing is, when to stop birth control, and when I'm going to be starting injections. OH and answer the 100 questions and concerns I have about being on active birth control so long and how it can effect my egg numbers and egg quality AND what if I start my period after starting stims?? Will this effect my uterine lining? I've been googling crap all week. Dr. Google is bad. Very bad!

WHY ISNT MY PHONE RINGING??????

Well I had to call the Dr. Office twice and I finally got a call a little after 5P.M. The nurse gave me a choice of when we can come in to do consent signing and go over meds. Sat, Sun or next Thursday. Sunday was out because it was my Godsons baptism. I didn't want to wait or call off work Thursday so we opted for 8:45A.M the next morning. Which kind of ruined our date plans we had planned for that day but what are you going to do??? We need to get this train rolling!! So, up at 5A.M., out the door at 7. Drop C off at in-laws at 7:30, in Akron for our 8:45 appointment, write a huge check, get blood work, talk with Dr. who answers to all of my questions and concerns, (and who jokingly looks at me like I'm semi crazy) sign paperwork similar to a house closing, then get prepped for another u/s.
Basically Dr. Tells me my ovaries need a lot of medicine based on what he's seeing and mentions my "low" ovarian reserve. Low has never been used before. It was always "borderline".
Not comforting at all. My fear is that I have crappy quantity and quality eggs. I of course want an answer to this 9 year battle. But am I ready for it? It's incredibly hard for someone to tell you there's something not normal with you and you did nothing to make it that way, and you can't fix it no matter what you do.
After u/s we met with nurse so she can go over all our meds. It was the most overwhelming 30 minutes of my life!!!! So many medications! Injectibles and oral. There's also when to take each one, how long, where to inject, how to mix, etc., etc., etc. When we left I just looked at Scott and said HOLY SHIT and laughed. That's literally all I could do. I ordered all my injectibles and they are getting delivered tomorrow and picked up all my orals at Giant Eagle today. Wednesday is day 1! Scott and I decided to make a video blog. We want to try and make the "best" of this time in our lives and we both can find humor in all these shenanigans!!

Head vs. Heart

Well, the hysteroscopy and polypectomy are complete. I didn't have my follow up yet with Dr. Moretuzzo but from what I was told after the procedure one polyp was removed (not that big) and everything went good. They sent it to pathology and I go for follow up this Friday July 11th to see results, if I am healed, and talk about the next steps. I was proud of myself for not really crying the day of the surgery. I was super nervous that whole week. A zillion and one things ran through my head and the thought of getting anesthesia and then being "exposed" without my knowledge really freaks me out. I kept telling Scott- I'd rather be cut so my legs can stay shut. It's one thing when you fully awake and getting poked, prodded and scanned up (down) there but having someone put me to sleep then invading my privacy just makes me anxious and upset. I also thought the worst- there's going to be a big, huge growth(s) or Dr. is going to accidently cut my uterus or I will have some freak reaction to anesthesia and I won't wake up. Yea all those happy thoughts.... But I was wrong and all went as smooth as I think it could of went.
The recovery definitely took me longer than expected. I thought I was going to feel 80% normal the next day and I certainly didn't. It took a good week to feel 100% normal again. But this step is over and I am happy. Polyp free is the way to be! A nurse at the Surgery Center put it the best. You have to clear your garden before you plant those babies in there.
I am continuing with the active pills of birth control. I had a brief meeting with Moretuzzo the morning of the surgery and he said once I am healed I will stop the pill and four days later we can start the FSH/egg growing. I assumed I had to wait for my period to come. I have to ask Dr. more questions about why I don't have to wait for my period because I am confused about that (I'm thinking we will start the antagonist/ovulation blocker early in the egg growing process- which prevents ovulation) In an IUI situation you don't start antagonist until the eggs are a certain size. So so so so technical but I NEED to know the who, what, when, where and why of all of this.
Anywho, when I go in on Friday and if I am cleared for "take off" I am going to ask Dr. if we can try to schedule the extraction and transfer around Scott's vacation which is the week of August 18th. I feel kind of "designer/guilty/selfish" for planning all this but hell you pay 15K to get pregnant you should get some kind of options/perks.
My heart is ready to create life- now matter how it happens. My heart aches to hold our newborn, to see how he/she will look like Carter, to make Carter a brother, to love someone on a level that isn't explainable, to look at a brand new person made from the love and dedication of my best friend and I. To see our 9 year fight be worth it once again. To look a baby and think he or she is nothing less than a miracle. To feel on cloud nine, to feel like I'm dreaming when I sit in my rocking chair with my baby on my chest. My baby. The baby I made and grew and fought for with all of my strength.
My head on the other hand is a big negative Nelly. I think last year's failed IUI attempts has a lot to do with why my head is so negative. Plus the whole process of injecting yourself, visiting the Dr. several times a week, getting put under anesthesia again, calling off work, getting sitters for Carter, did I mention the physical toll on my body or the most stressful thing- waiting, worrying and wondering if it worked. Oh and the $15,000 dollars we spending for a 50% chance of success. OK. I'm done. I swear. I feel lucky and Blessed I have the opportunity to try this. I may suffer financially (and emotionally) for a while but I know deep down. I NEED to do this. This is part of my healing, how I will get closer to closing this chapter of my life, my "no regrets" future when I am too "old" to carry babies.
Lastly, I am truly thankful I found Greenford Christian Church. I couldn't imagine embarking on this journey without this Church, everything I have learn about myself, about God and my relationship with God. I know no matter how low I get I have a church family I can turn to help and pray for me. And that in itself feels so comforting and just plain awesome!

And so our IVF journey begins

May 12th was our consult with Dr. Moretuzzo. It went just as I had thought. We basically just told him we were in office little over a year ago, we did 2 rounds of Follistim/IUI with no success and now we ready to do IVF. He explain we would need to some preliminary testing first, then I would be on birth control pills for a month- they keep ovaries calm and prevent any cysts from forming I believe. Then after all that we will start the drugs, do the egg retrieval and embryo transfer.
Sweet. Let's do this.
We had to take a mandatory IVF informational class on May 21st. Before we went I didn't think I was going to learn anything I didn't already know. But I was wrong. I learned a lot more details about what the eggs are suppose to do each day after they are retrieved/before they are transferred. I also learned some other things I can't remember right now but I wrote down for later. Yes I took notes!
My other instructions after our consult was to call on day 1 of my cycle to schedule a saline ultrasound. My period decides to be 6 days late. (Thanks for that extra emotional roller coaster and money wasted on pregnancy tests!!) I go in for saline ultrasound on June 6th. In Nov. of 2012 I had same type of ultrasound and Moretuzzo told me my uterus was a perfect triangle :). This time- my uterus did not look perfect. It had a "shadow" on it. He wants to investigate further before we move forward with IVF because he said it can interfere with transfer/attachment. So.... on June 27th I am getting a Hysteroscopy. He explained it could be a polyp, a growth(?), or it was just a shadow on ultrasound. He will remove it if need be and then we will go from there. He put me on birth control already to prevent me from ovulating and keep my uterine lining thin. I'm nervous more about the whole anesthesia process- it freaks me out. And I hate waiting when I don't want to do something- just want to get it over with. And I hate not knowing what's going on. Will the IVF be postponed? What if it's something serious? How much is this going to cost us? The list goes on and on.
Scott went for his analysis on Tuesday. They do a more detailed, in depth sperm analysis for IVF. So not sure when we will get those results.
In addition to all that I had a phone conversations with financial person who works with RGI (Reproductive Gynecology, Inc.) She gave me a heart attac, oh I mean the breakdown of costs we should expect and when- throughout this whole process.
Everything seems pretty organized at this point. Except for what's happening in my brain. Carter wants a "brother" so bad. We've been keeping him kind of in the circle about most of this. I basically told him I'm going to go to Dr. to see if my "belly is still broke", if it's not broke I'm going to try and grow a baby, if my belly can't grow a baby we will start the adoption steps again. He always says he wished we had "more kids". It really is heartbreaking to hear your only child say that and you want the same exact thing. But I just remind him how special he is- that he was the only one who got to grow in my belly before it "broke". I hope I am saying the right things... You wonder that a lot when you a parent.
Well that's it for now. Two weeks from today I will be on my way to Canfield Surgery Center to get this mystery spot in my uterus solved.
A quote I read in a magazine that I later discovered John Lennon said:
"It will all be OK in the end, if its not OK, then its not the end" Love this!!!

The Never Ending Blog!!

Holy smokes. Will this blog ever end?? Lots has happened since last March. Here's the short of it. I sold all of my Carter's baby items except his crib and rocking horse. It was painful but it had to be done. I needed to heal and ridding my basement of all the baby stuff did help me. Then, I started to run. Thanks to my marathon running friend Jesi. I used running to set accomplishable goals for myself. I wanted to run my first 5K before my 10th wedding anniversary (Aug. 23rd). I ended up running two 5K's before I turned 32 (July 28th). Ran a third in Nov.! It helped me tremendously. It felt good wanting to do something and succeeding at it with hard work!
We lost our Saint Bernard in in Nov. 2013. It was really, really difficult putting her down. She lost all function in her legs. It was one of the worst moments in my life that I will never, ever forget. Some time passed and Scott tells me he is ready to start process of adoption (Gracie's passing had a lot to do with his readiness to adopt). We explore 3 agencies and choose NOAS- Northeast Ohio Adoption Service. We choose to adopt older child because
A. Adopting an infant from private agency is expensive. REALLY EXPENSIVE! and
B. If I wanted an infant (which I kept saying I didn't) I would just go back to RE and that was something I was not willing to do- financially or emotionally. 
Scott and I spent pretty much all weekends in March 2014 taking 36 hours of pre-placement adoption classes. Here they prepare you for parenting an adopted child and explain what kind of situations/circumstances these kids come from and how they might act out because of these situations. It wasn't fun. Not fun at all. After classes were over we set up our first home study visit. Our appointed social worker came one morning in May. We talked, she handed us a mountain of paperwork, she toured the house, etc. and we rescheduled our 2nd visit for a few weeks later. After she left I had a epic melt down. I thought to myself. I'm not cut out for this! I feel like I'm crazy for doing this! What if I'm making a huge mistake? What if I'm going to ruin my marriage? What if I'm going to expose Carter to dangerous, explicit behaviors?
I thought of all these questions before this home visit and they never stopped me from moving forward with the adoption but now they were.
I also felt like going back to the RE and putting my feet in stirrups would be less invasive than the process of conducting a family assessment/home study. Something just didn't feel right. So I called our worker and was honest. She was really sweet and appreciative of my honesty with her. I told her we contemplating going back to RE. She understood, didn't make me feel guilty/bad, wished us luck and said she will be there if and when we ready.
Through all this- Scott and I are on same page. This is why he is my best friend. We come to conclusion that we are never going to be 100% ready to adopt until we do IVF. I am almost 33. We don't have tons of time. There are risks with both Adoption and IVF. At this point in our lives we would rather take the IVF risk. We both yearn to see another creation of our love for one another.
OK. Now what? Rob a bank? How the heck are we coming up with the money for IVF???? I know! I know! Remember this commercial a long time ago?"...up to my eyeballs". This is how we feel about trying to grow our family.
Bottom line is here: NO amount of money is worth our happiness or piece of mind. I would of paid 4x's the amount I spent to get Carter here.
$15,000 is my lifetime (I WILL live to 100) is just a "dent", a "bump", a "hiccup". But right now on June 12, 2014- it feels like Mount Everest! And I'm really nervous to climb!