Awkward vs. Avoidance

When I see someone I know in public and they avoid the fact I recently lost Nathan- I get so upset. All I'm asking for is a "How are you?" Not the "how are you" like you do in passing or to strangers but "I know you must be in a lot of pain still how are you." It feels so personal  like they are dismissing my boys- like they are pretending nothing ever happened. I know this is not the case- they just feel bad, don't know what to say, feel awkward, etc., etc.  The awkwardness they might feel bringing my boys up would be far less "painful" than the hurt I feel when the subject of my twin boys is avoided. Ask me what happened with Nathan or Liam, ask me how Carter and Scott are, ask me anything- just don't avoid this huge, traumatic life event I just experienced. Would you do the same thing if I got diagnosed with cancer or lost my husband??
What really bugs me is hearing people say they heard the news from "so and so" then I see "so and so" and they totally avoid/pretend nothing happened. HELLO!!! You can spread my news to your whole office but can't say at the very least "How are you?" I'm not asking for a constant pity party. I'm asking for compassion for another human being. If I don't want to talk about it I will tell you. I feel so "scary" to people. There I go again with the labels...
I'm on a mission to find my mission. I need to help others, that's how I heal. I just need to figure out how. I know it will come to me. I might not be ready yet. My heart is still extremely heavy with sadness. No one does their best work when they are depressed.
I finally cleaned up Nathan's room. It is pretty bare but clean. Liam's Molly Bear is on the dresser waiting for Nathan's to join him. Along with both Liam and Nathan's blankets from the hospital. I did make a Nathan and Liam shelf in the curio cabinet in the living room. It feels good to display some of the items that represent my angel boys. I also hung the "Precious Little Ones" poem in the living room. I am hoping to get a edited picture of Nathan soon so I can hang that up as well. I really want to finish their scrapbooks I already started...
I still cant believe this all happened. It still feels like one huge nightmare.

Labels

I hate putting labels on my forehead. I did it with the unexplained infertility imaging a big "I" on my forehead and feeling less of a woman because I need help from drugs, Dr.'s and the bank to get pregnant. Now I feel like I have "Mom to a Stillborn" written on my forehead. I feel like it's a disease that no one wants to catch. I feel like women look at me and Thank the Heavens they aren't me. And they "Can't image", and "Wouldn't survive something like that" and think "I'm much stronger of a person than they are".
I'm mean to myself I know. I try to own my story, be proud? of my story, Believe that something positive will come out of my story. Believe that I can do God's work because of my story. I try to imagine my babies in Heaven alive and perfect and watching over me. It's hard though. I think about the tragedy everyday and what I thought my life was going to be this summer. It's really depressing. I also think that I would gladly take all this pain for my children if it means they didn't have to suffer or feel one moment of it. That's what you do for your kids.
I hate reliving the moment over and over in my head the day Nathan passed. It happens almost everyday. Its haunting. Especially the phone call to Scott and his reaction.... I want that to stop.
I haven't been to the grave in a while and I haven't felt like going. I don't know why. It's too painful. I want to decorate/make it look nice but I haven't had the desire to go there. I feel guilty about that. I don't know what is in my future. Is there another child? I would like to Hope so but my heart is weak, it's tired, it's broken. I don't know if Scott and I can handle much more. There's only one thing to do- Pray.