I am 18 weeks pregnant and terrified still isn't the right word. This pregnancy is hands down one of the hardest things I have ever been through. Not physically, but mentally. This is around the time when Liam went to be with the Lord in November of 2014. I know what a baby looks like outside the womb at 18 weeks. I delivered and held one. My little Liam. I still have the tiny blanket he was wrapped in. Jase is the same size. (Oh yeah, its a Boy! and his name is Jase) The exact same size. It brings back a lot of painful memories and guilt. A mother's guilt is like no other....A lot of tears have been shed this past week.
No one can really understand unless they've been through it that pregnancy after a third trimester (unexplained) loss isn't exciting, its not "normal", you don't feel the same, you don't think the same. A pregnancy announcement is important, gender revealing isn't important, a perfect set up nursery with all the latest gadgets isn't important- getting to hold this baby alive in my arms is the only thing that matters to Scott, Carter and I. We are all holding are breath until the day.
Carter says and asks questions about Jase that are extremely difficult. He compares this pregnancy to the last one. He wants to know if its going better this time. Scott and I always stay Faithful and positive when talking to Carter. We pray for Jase every single day. We make sure Carter knows God knows what he is doing 100% of the time. I hate the fact Carter has experienced such a tragedy and remembers everything. It is absolutely heartbreaking. He is beyond excited it is a boy though! He says he's going to carry Jase home from the hospital. He is such a loving boy.
We decided on Beau as a middle name. The meaning behind this is that a baby born after a loss is a rainbow baby. So Beau is short for/means "Rainbow". Jase will be a baby born after losing 3 babies. One from each trimester.
What a year it has been so far. I am really looking forwarding to 2017. I think Scott and I are the only people who cannot wait for winter this year!
