That heavy feeling

It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am eternally grateful for all the people praying and thinking about us but I am also scared I am going to possibly let each one of those people down. Being open about IVF is a double edge sword. I want prayers and I'm not ashamed to ask for them. I also am excited about IVF and it is literally ALL I have been thinking about. I am also not ashamed of my infertility, if anything I want to bring awareness to the subject and help others who have never dealt with it be more empathic with their words(and suggestions)- to me- or in general.
I felt really negative yesterday. I keep hearing "bad news" phone calls from my past in my head. "Its negative, its negative, its negative..." I've only heard "it's positive" twice in 9 years of trying and one of those times ended in miscarriage. I can also pictures the hundreds(?) of negative pregnancy tests I have used throughout the years. I will say to my close family, "I don't know why I am so negative?", "I'm pissing myself off". But I know exactly why I am negative. It doesn't justify it but it's really all I know.
What I do know is my Faith is in the right place. I know no matter what happens I trust God and His plan for me. I think back to the moment when the adoption social worker left our house after she conducted our first home visit. I knew I couldn't go through with the adoption at that moment. I knew it was the wrong choice at that moment. I just knew I had to go back to the Dr. and try IVF. I believe that was the Holy Spirit guiding me to where we are at today. And Scott felt the exact same way when I cried and cried and cried to him that afternoon.
There is no way Scott and I could of been OK not doing this. We both felt like we just NEEDED to do this before it was "too late". We will survive no matter what the outcome. We will lean on each other like we've been doing for the past 16 years. I can conquer any situation with that man by my side. He saves me.
I will change the subject now that I am tearing up. I feel pretty normal except I am bloated. I have had some period cramps here and there and a really strange pain in my belly area (right above my belly button) It felt like a pulling/pinching/can't stand up straight. It only lasted about 20 minutes. We have decided to go to take Carter to Waldameer on Tuesday after we go get my blood work- So I will either be a happy camper watching Carter and Scott ride all the rides or I will be looking for the nearest bar for Scott to drop me off at!