I'm 13 weeks now and its kind of a milestone for me. When I was 12 and a half weeks pregnant with Carter I had one of the worst experiences of my life- a bowel obstruction. I still have flashbacks and nightmares about it but no more living in the past! Right now, all systems seem to be working quite well :) I went in for my last RE appointment on Oct. 17th. The babies looked good. The one still measuring smaller than the other (5 days apart- last ultrasound they were 4 days apart). Not gonna lie, I am kind of nervous about this. The smaller baby has a faster heartbeat still. (That's my peanut princess). Dr. said one is "significantly" bigger than the other but they look good. Dr. also tells me the genetic testing came back good on both babies. All the chromosome counts are good. So that chance of something being wrong (genetically) is 1 in 10,000 (I think he said). He then says "Did you want to know the sex of the babies?" Uhhhhhhhhh YEA!! I say. He says the Y chromosome did show up on the genetic testing bloodwork so he knows at least one of them is a boy! He said we can rule out two girls. When he said boy I immediately got emotional. 1. Because I have a boy and I know "boys" and 2. Carter gets the brother he's been asking for!! I also immediately wanted to call Scott to tell him this wonderful news. I can't believe I'm going to have another handsome, kind, loving, sweet baby boy. I feel like I'm more of a boy mom :) But I am still holding on to the possibility the other twin is my peanut princess!! (Yes, I'm already assuming the big one is a boy and the smaller one is a girl)
I had my 1st appointment with my midwife on Monday Oct. 20th. It didn't really go how I wanted it too. I did have my list of concerns I went over with her but all her answers were in "lecture form" and there's ALWAYS issues with the computer system/program they use when I'm there. It always seems like she's more concerned getting data into the computer than she is of really listening to me. But the good news is she is sending me to the OB/GYN she works with Dr. Canby and a high risk Dr.- Dr. Khawli. I do have a follow up with her on Nov. 3rd where she is going to give me results of extra bloodwork she took, pap test she did (the pap RE did came out with "inconclusive results") and I am also having an ultrasound that day. Then I think I will make my 1st appointment with Canby. I will see the high risk Dr. around 18 weeks she said. I'm really anxious to meet Canby. She will be delivering my babies. I hope I "jive" with her. If I don't- who knows what I will do? I'm just trying to take this all in one appointment at a time.
My anxiety has been through the roof! I am not nervous about after they are home. I am nervous about getting them here- safe, sound and big/healthy enough to stay out of the NICU. I am already a worrier and with this totally new experience of twins I am at my anxiety limit. I feel like I am walking on eggshells everyday (does that analogy make sense?). At night I imagine myself taking all the worries I feel in my head and heart and giving them to God. God can handle it. My church once preached that worries and anxiety are forms of unbelief in God. I know God is working for me, for my babies, for my family. I feel like this battle was over the day we got the call it was positive. You know the saying- "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" Well, I feel like we've gotten everything we could handle already. The fight is over. But.... I'm a mom and mom's worry. It's our full time job. I loved these babies when they were follicles and then when they were fertilized eggs and embryos and then when they were put back in me as blastocysts- small as a pin head. I want to protect them and I feel like I don't have full control right now. I know my body knows what to do but honestly I'm scared. I just want them here. I said it the moment we found out we were having twins. I just want someone to guarantee me both these miracle will be in my arms in the end. I think that's how it is when you are diagnosed infertile. You refuse to believe it until the baby (ies) is (are) here. You've been let down a lot in this department. You just want your happy ending. You want to skip the pregnancy and hold the miracle you worked and prayed so damn hard for. That's how I feel.
Someone told me those worries, fears and anxieties are Satan trying to take my joy away. Well bug off Satan! God is in control and He is by my side no matter what. He takes all my worries. He is Big enough to handle the million "what-if's" running through my head.
I just have to learn not to keep taking them back.
I really hope we can confirm the sex of the second twin on Nov. 3rd. Then I can get started on the room and clothes and NAMES! We already have it narrowed down though :) Physically I feel pretty good. The aversion to certain foods is kinda going away. I can stomach meat and salad and even wanted ice cream the other day! I am still tired tho. Waiting for the 2nd trimester burst of energy (does that exist??) My 13 week bump is the size of my 18-20 week bump with Carter. I don't really know how much weight I've gained. Its hard to keep track when all the fertility drugs made me bloated and probably made me gain a little weight too. I do think I'm starting to feel the babies. I can feel flutters/bubbles every now and then. I love it. I'm sure when they both big and kicking me hard I may not "love" it like I do now. Who am I kidding, I probably still will. Lol
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