I really thought I was pregnant. I had and felt so many strange symptoms. I'm assuming now it was all because of my borderline over stimulation. I knew on Thursday something was wrong
And/or I began to feel "not pregnant" anymore. I tested at home and it was positive. I went and got blood drawn and then Scott and I waited patiently all day for my blood test results. Around 2PM or so the nurse called and said the words I just felt she was going to say "it was negative." So the home test was a false positive due to Hcg (trigger shot) left in my system. Nurse told me to go back and get drawn again on Saturday to confirm the negative result.
My coping started on Thursday. And I surprisingly feel like I've done well until last night. I had a small meltdown (wine induced). I just don't know if I'm ever going to be 100% OK. I don't think I will. I will always fee a bit "broken" inside. I will always feel a little jealous of others who are able to grow their family. And I don't even want to think about Carter seriously asking me for a brother or sister. He has said it before but I don't think he really understood what he was saving. I don't know?
It honestly feels like we are dealing with a death in the family. That's how to mood is in the house. There's nothing we can do. We just try to move on best we can. We rely on each other for comfort and support, we try and distract each other.
We are selling all of Carter's baby equipment/toys. I already cleaned and piled everything in basement. I get my moments where I think I shouldn't get rid of everything but deep down I know it's the right choice. I "de babied" everything I could in this house. It's time to move on.
What a ride its been!!!! Almost 8 years of trying to get pregnant. Crazy! Ready to move on! Ready to enjoy my life once again. Ready to not wear the huge "I" on my forehead.
This blog had helped me tremendously throughout the years. And although I just brought it back to life recently, it's time to pack it away with all the other reminders of my "baby years". I will always have a place in my heart for those women/couples who have trouble conceiving. Especially with an "Unexplained" diagnosis. I will forever thank God for the miracle boy in my life. I told Scott on Saturday "I really don't understand where Carter came from?" I seems like nothing short of a true miracle for me to get and stay pregnant and then for him to survive my bowel obstruction when I was just 12 weeks pregnant.... A true, true miracle he is. And I will remind him until the day I die.
Scott told that when he was praying during the treatments before we had the IUI- he prayed it would work only if my body could handle the pregnancy. Now, on one hand I thought to myself my body is strong- it survived alot already- I can handle another labor and delivery! But looking back there was a chance for multiples (up to 4 this time) and I'm sure there was a chance of getting another bowel obstruction.
Point being- If this is the reason, the answer- I agree- I don't want to spend one second on this earth without Scott. I know God knows that. He is my partner. My true other half. And Carter just makes life that much more perfect!
Farewell blog! Thanks for listening.
P.S. Carter- when you old enough to read this. I love you more than words can say. I thought, dreamed and prayed for you the moment I met your Dad. You complete us 100%. You are my monkey butt, my boo, my hero. XOXOXO
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