Being tested....?

I've always thought of myself as a strong faithed Catholic. I went to Catholic school for 9 years and went to church on a regular basis. All that has changed now and it is the one aspect of my life that I wish I could have back. There are two ways I can look at things... One is that having a baby is all about timing, nature, and science. And secondly having a baby is God's plan, decision, timing and way. The second way of thinking is more me. Even though I think getting pregnant involves both aspects of "nature" and God's plan- I know it is a miracle no matter what. But the counseling and guidance I receive from family and friends is usually never about the "science" of having a baby. It's about God's plan for Scott and I. There are sayings I think about and hear often "God never gives you more than you can handle" and "Everything happens for a reason" These thoughts are hard- very hard- to accept and identify with some days. It make me angry and disappointed in my religion and my God- on the other hand there are other days these sayings do the exact opposite- they get me through the day without crying or feeling bad and make me feel strong and proud to be a believer.
I have no doubts that I am still a Christian- and a Catholic. I believe in and love God. I would never turn my back on my faith and religion but what's most frustrating are the days when I cannot comprehend for the life of me why I have been tested the way I've had. Why would God put me through such pain, misery and heartache? I am a good person with good intentions and so much love to give to a child so why haven't I been blessed? What is God waiting for? Why haven't prayers been answered?
Maybe I will know and understand the answers to these questions one day? Maybe I will be more at peace with my God again one day? Maybe I can learn to fully trust God's plan again one day? Maybe. One day.
For anyone who has had difficulty trying to conceive you know what strength and strain it can put on your marriage. Scott and I are best friends and have been an "official" couple since August of 1998. I think it would be safe to say we barely argue/fight. That is- until we started having issues trying to have a baby...Of course it is stressful, exhausting, and wearing. The monthly devastation of a "failed attempt" has made me think that being married and starting a family is too challenging and like a roller coaster ride that I want to walk away from. There have been so many nights where the aggravation and never ending pressure explodes and causes Scott and Leslie to be two different people than they originally were. I still don't think we are who we once were- all the traits and qualities that make us-us. The reasons we cant live one day without each other and still after 9 years hate to be apart and miss and think about each other every single moment of the day. Deep down I think both of us want it back to the "way it use to be" without the "scheduled" "science experiment" life we lead now. Without the Dr.'s appointments, despair and hopelessness. But we both know what we want out of life. We both yearn for a baby to call our own. We want to share our connection and love for each other with the ultimate gift two people can create. We want to be called mommy and daddy and instill all the good values and morals we were taught into a child- our child. Scott and Leslie will always be Scott and Leslie- for better and for worse. I couldn't/wouldn't bear this journey with anyone else. He is my rock, my everything, my hero, my heart and soul, my forever friend. We are coping with the "hand we were dealt" in life. Together we will achieve our goal and when we do- will be better parents and a stronger couple because of it.