Closure

The D&C is over. The nurse and anesthesiologists at St. E's were so wonderful. Scott and I felt like we were taken care of really well. When I walked into the labor and delivery floor I felt so uneasy. All I kept thinking was "If I see a pregnant woman or if I hear a woman screaming in labor I'm going to just die..." But I didn't and I was so thankful. It may of been good timing or the hospital may try to prevent D&C patients from seeing reminders of what they "could of had" but either way it went as smooth as it could of gone. The only thing that upset me was the rocking chair in our room. It just sat there- empty. I didn't want to look at it and I tried to block it out of my mind but then I thought maybe some woman need that rocking chair to help them cope with the pain and loss...
"I'm so sorry for your loss" is what the nurses and staff said to us. I was taken back by this at first because some people don't think of what Scott and I went through as an actually loss of a life because we couldn't hold anything in our arms or see anything that resembled a baby in my belly. But it is a loss and I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through it to understand. The way I think about it is this... A life was created and it would of developed into a beautiful baby girl or boy if things would of turned out the way we wanted. I was pregnant and now I am not. We lost something we worked so so so hard for. Yes it was early in the pregnancy and if I hadn't been going to a specialist for almost a year now things may of been different - maybe better, maybe worse. But do i regret a single thing about the steps Scott and I have taken so far? Not for a second. Do I wish I would of done things different? A different Dr.? A different drug? A different plan? Not for a second. And it feels good not to have any regrets right now- given all we've endured and "technically" have nothing to show for it...
It did get harder when physically things started to happen but does it makes me have a small feeling of closure. Ironic how Mother's day was just a few days after the D&C and given the circumstance I think I did a good job of focusing on my Moms and not focusing too much on how- once again- I do not get the privilege of celebrating the day myself.
When I went back to the RE Monday my hcg level was down to 15 and I definitely could tell that all the pregnancy hormone was leaving me. This means the pregnancy was in my uterus and medically I am just about done with this horrible process. I will go back Friday to make sure my level is zero. I told the nurse we will be taking a much needed break over the summer. She was so understanding and sweet about it. She warned me that I may not feel like myself for a month or so because my hormones are way out of whack and gave me information on support groups and programs (in addition to the material I got from the hospital). I know it will be worse before it gets better but I don't see how I'll ever be the same inside again.