Update

Its been quite a while. Over a month. I went for a beta blood test on Oct. 15th. It was negative. I sobbed and sobbed- I left work and called my mother. I had to talk to her. I drove to her work and I just told her how we tried injections again and they didn't work and how incredibly hard it was for me to not tell her. I don't get it? Its been over 2 years- we've had every test done possible- I've taken so many drugs, I've had so many insemination's. I don't get it. We don't get it. Then we got more bad news. Scott's new insurance doesn't cover any injection medication. We have one more box of injections in our fridge so that means one more round of injections and that's it (because one box cost $700 and I usually go through more than one box a cycle)- we've exhausted all "reasonable" options.

Except for IVF- Invitro Fertilization which is about 10-15K. That is where they take my eggs out- fertilize them w/ Scott's sperm and put the fertilized eggs back into my body. It's a 50% success rate I believe compared to the 10-20% success rate we've been dealing with with Clomid, FSH and IUI's. My thought is- I will do whatever it takes. Sell my car, work 4 jobs, or whatever to pay for a loan for this. This is the only way it will happen for us. I don't think Scott is totally on the same page as me. Yes, he wants to be pregnant as much as I do but it bothers him its only a 50% success rate for such a large amount of money. I know what he means but we've come so far- we've worked so hard. I DON'T want to give up! I want to put all this on the back burner right now because I still do have one more chance w/ injections and IUI but its so hard for me to be positive about anything working in our favor.

This month's disappointment was harder than usual. It felt like it was on the level of the miscarriage disappointment I felt months ago. I swear every time I turn around I see or hear about pregnancy or babies. It upsets Scott too. We are both so damn frustrated. We decided to go away for Christmas and celebrate our little family together and alone. Christmas is pretty much about the kids and we need to distance ourselves from that with no offense to anyone in our family whatsoever. Its just something we need to do- for our emotional sanity. I'm excited to go away- we are taking the dogs so that will be so much fun and great because I won't be worrying about them 24/7!

Also I took my real estate sales classes and just need to take the state test to official get my real estate license. I'm excited for the change and the opportunity to make some commission cash flow. It's been nice to think about school and studying for a while and not all about why we can't get pregnant 24/7. BUT, the time is coming for us to start out 3rd and final round of injections. I don't know how to feel about it. I'm definitely not excited. I'm trying to be hopeful but I am terrified that I will have yet ANOTHER negative. Anything is possible right? I wish I could think of that phrase in a positive way and not a negative but given my past circumstances I have NO clue where my daily motivation comes from...
I feel like creating a life is part science and part miracle and we are definately doing everything possible for the "science" aspect of it- so why haven't I had my miracle side? why in 27 months? what did I do not to have my miracle? Ugh. I have ALOT of questions and no explainations.