Back to shock or still in it?

I know there's multiple stages of grieving and I know I've probably been through all of them since losing the twins but I reel like the "shock stage" is back more than ever. All I kept thinking this morning was "Did that really happen?" Did I lose a baby when I was 35 weeks pregnant for no apparent medical reason? Did I really bury my 2nd (and 3rd) child in the ground? Was I really that close to having a "normal" delivery where I would actually bring the baby home and use the amazing nursery we had all ready to go, clothes washed and ready in the dresser, big brother t-shirt for Carter, take home outfit packed... Did all of that really happen? Did it? It seems like a huge shocking nightmare right now. I just can't wrap my head around it. Maybe because I am 22 weeks pregnant all of this is resurfacing... I don't know? I wish I didn't have all these memories- these horrific memories that are so gut wrenching I am still in shock they even happened. I will never be the same. Never. You don't get over years of infertility treatments and losing four babies- you just don't. I feel Jase now, kicking me. I want him safe in my arms. It feels like I can't emotionally (and physically) take much more but this is what a mother does- she doesn't give up, she takes it, she will do ANYTHING for her kids and that's exactly what I will do. I feel depressed. I feel upset Nathan isn't here. He should be. I know I've been told 1000 times by 1000 different people it was nothing I did or didn't do- but when you are responsible for growing a child in your womb and that child doesn't survive- you feel guilty. I find myself repeating the same things in my head I did after Liam died and it was just his brother left in my womb. "I just need to hold Nathan and then I can relax.... then I can breath...." "I just want to be responsible for my own body again". I am scared. Really scared. I keep thinking I'm just going through a "rough patch" with the extra anxiety, depression and grieving but its not getting better. Day after day, week after week. I cry almost everyday. I need it to be mid January. No one can help me either. No "everything will be OK", No "you are so strong", No advice from Dr., church message or pregnancy after loss group will make me feel better. There is only one thing that I need to feel better. Jase Beau Johnson alive and healthy in my arms. That's it.