The answer feels like no. But deep, deep down I know the answer is yes. I can do this. Do I think it will be (as Carter use to say) easy, breezy, lemon squeezy? Uh.... Can I get a Hell No up in here?! I am 31 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Both my regular OB and high risk Dr. agree and support a delivery at 37 weeks (January 25, 2017). According to the high risk Dr. the chance of needing NICU support at 37 weeks is 90/10. 90% no; 10% yes. He also thinks taking a NICU risk over the risk of having another stillborn is the risk we have to take (agree). I will get a steroid shot two weeks prior to delivering (to help lung development) and also will be given the option of an amniocenteses to check lung development right before delivery. How am I doing you ask? I am one, hot mess. I started really tracking and counting my kicks at 28 weeks. I have app on my phone that stores every "kick counting session". They drive me nuts- I'm suppose to get 10 kicks in one hour (as per regular OB). Well, little Jase is a violent, hard, often kicker. I am usually done within 20 minutes with my 10 kicks. (I do these counts at least twice a day) .When he decides to be lazy it sends me into a frenzy. I ended up at hospital last Friday because I was not satisfied with his kicking/movements. They check the baby by giving him a non stress test (NST). I get these NST's done at high risk Dr. twice a week but this particular day (and the Thursday before)- nothing was giving me peace of mind. Something just didn't feel right. But.... I have a hard time deciding if I'm having a "gut feeling" or if it PTSD from losing Nathan. Walking into the hospital that day wasn't hard (I haven't been there since delivering Nathan). It was when I got into the room. It looked exactly the same as the room I was in when they told me he had died. The walls, the clock, the art, the smell, the couch, the set up. It ALL came back. I saw the 2 or 3 nurses leaning over the bed, holding my hands while they tried to calm me down, I saw the Dr. tell me there was no heartbeat, I heard Scott screaming in the phone when I called and told him, I saw my sister and my brother sitting on the couch- not knowing what to do, I saw my OB come in with a shocked look on his face, just shaking his head, speechless. I remember staring at the clock thinking it was all a nightmare and it couldn't be real. It was intense. I had several panic attacks. My blood pressure was through the roof, chest pains, couldn't breath, I kept thinking (and saying out loud) "I can't lose this one, I can bury this one, I can't do this". All the nurses were supportive thank goodness. A nurse named Jessica came in and said she was there when Nathan died, she remembers us, remembers we have an son at home, and has been praying for us ever since. I felt bad I didn't remember her. I only remember a few nurses from that time. One of the nurses who helped me the night I found out and another nurse who brought me my babies to hold and visited me again before I left the hospital. I hope I see these two nurses again- under different circumstances.
The NST at the hospital last Friday came back good and Jase returned to his normal, violent kicking self. I hope I can stay out of hospital until I deliver. We will see. My last days of work is next week. I think this will help me. I can fully concentrate on the kicks and his pattern and what time of day is his most active. It's kind of difficult to pay attention when you at work all day sitting at a computer. I also need to nest. Mainly spring clean after all the Christmas stuff is put away. We haven't done one thing for nursery or bought one baby item. Scott and I just can't do it. When the unthinkable happens you think about it happening again. We both won't believe we really going to bring home a living 2nd child until we actually do. I guess it will be a happy, shopping, preparation frenzy when the time comes. I know I have family and friends ready to help. They will be my backbone through this. Just like they were when Nathan passed.
One thing I really hate is remembering the details of the "day" and thinking the same thing now- "Will this be what I'm wearing when Jase dies?" "Will this be what I cooked the day Jase dies?" 'Will this be the car ride to the hospital when Jase dies?" It's completely torturous.
I also feel like a new wave of grief will come after Jase is born. It hurts already. It's not fair they aren't here. I already decided to bring their picture and Molly Bears to the hospital room when I deliver...
Also, there's Carter. I'm so anxious for him to have a different situation and outcome when it comes to pregnancy and having a living sibling/brother. His grieving has shown throughout this pregnancy. I hate when he is sad about his brothers. I wish I could fix that. He says he's going to carry Jase out of the hospital... Melts my heart. I told Scott the other day I need Carter to be there the moment I deliver. I want him there the whole time. I need him in a different, new way right now. He is my little man. I need him for emotional support. Not like I need Scott but sort of like I need Scott. I think because he knows a lot, he's been through a lot and because he has strong Faith.
Ugh, I think that's enough for now. Can you tell a lot is going through my mind?? I think I can write for days and days.
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