I want to be a part of a foundation that helps. Which one is right for me?? Maybe I should start my own? What do I want to do? I want to help other women who are like me. As I think back to my time in the hospital and the days after I delivered my rainbow baby- I wonder if there was something that would of brought me a smidgen of comfort? The only thing I can think of is the Molly Bears I ordered for the twins. They are weighted bears for parents who lost a baby too soon. http://mollybears.com. I love my Molly Bears- especially Nathan's because it is the exact weight that he weighed (4lbs. 1oz.)and it is something I can hold in my arms. As sad as it sounds, it helps me to cradle that bear in my arms and cry.
It takes months and months to receive the bear once you order it. Had I been able to carry it out with me from the hospital- it might have been a smidgen of comfort to me as a mother. I contacted Molly Bears and proposed my idea to them. To have Bears on hand and deliver them to the local hospital so these parents can have the bear with them when they leave hospital. I also applied to be a volunteer for the MISS Foundation http://missfoundation.org/ I stumbled across this foundation online and I was impressed. I especially loved their kindness project! http://missfoundation.org/support/kindness.
I've been to our local support group, I've been to a memorial service, I've been to therapy. I'm starting to think I am more comfortable at the other end- giving support, not receiving it. It's not because I don't need support- I do. But I feel a lot of healing and comfort from helping others, giving advice, giving Hope or just trying to make someone's day a little bit better and brighter. I just need to figure out where I fit in.
Not realizing it at the time but something else that would bring me comfort now- 10 months later- is a picture of the twins I could hang on my wall. A picture of Nathan that looks like he is sleeping- not dead. I appreciate the nurses taking pictures of the boys and I didn't even realize at the moment how important they would be to me later but if I had someone/photographer who had decent camera with some kind of filter and cleaned/wrapped him in blanket/positioned him different/more natural I would of really, really appreciated that now. No offense to any of the nurses who helped me tremendously at the hospital but I feel like the pictures I have look like crime scene photos. Can I offer this with my just my cell phone camera having no experience as a photographer? I don't know...If I could team up with a photographer that would be amazing. Maybe I will look into that.
On a different note, the flashbacks and repeat/replay in my head have gotten better. I still get them when I'm driving in the car though. The path/drive to the hospital when Nathan died that night is the same path I take to work everyday. We trying to get rid of my car. Scott and I both get bad memories when we drive in it. I've been taking a herbal/natural supplement called "Star of Bethlehem". It was recommended to me from a psychologist. I think it is helping my brain not relive those traumatic moments so much and/or get triggered so easily. I do keep thinking about Nathan's 1 year angelversary coming up. I am really nervous about this day. I don't know what I'm going to feel like... or what I'm going to do... I don't know what to expect. I hope the anticipation outweighs the actual events of that day. Right now it feels like the whole month of March is going to be treacherous.
I hope my boys show up soon. I haven't had a "good" sign from them in a while. I will be on the lookout boys! Please come say hi to your Mama! Love you and Miss you like crazy...
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