Holy smokes. Will this blog ever end?? Lots has happened since last March. Here's the short of it. I sold all of my Carter's baby items except his crib and rocking horse. It was painful but it had to be done. I needed to heal and ridding my basement of all the baby stuff did help me. Then, I started to run. Thanks to my marathon running friend Jesi. I used running to set accomplishable goals for myself. I wanted to run my first 5K before my 10th wedding anniversary (Aug. 23rd). I ended up running two 5K's before I turned 32 (July 28th). Ran a third in Nov.! It helped me tremendously. It felt good wanting to do something and succeeding at it with hard work!
We lost our Saint Bernard in in Nov. 2013. It was really, really difficult putting her down. She lost all function in her legs. It was one of the worst moments in my life that I will never, ever forget. Some time passed and Scott tells me he is ready to start process of adoption (Gracie's passing had a lot to do with his readiness to adopt). We explore 3 agencies and choose NOAS- Northeast Ohio Adoption Service. We choose to adopt older child because
A. Adopting an infant from private agency is expensive. REALLY EXPENSIVE! and
B. If I wanted an infant (which I kept saying I didn't) I would just go back to RE and that was something I was not willing to do- financially or emotionally.
Scott and I spent pretty much all weekends in March 2014 taking 36 hours of pre-placement adoption classes. Here they prepare you for parenting an adopted child and explain what kind of situations/circumstances these kids come from and how they might act out because of these situations. It wasn't fun. Not fun at all. After classes were over we set up our first home study visit. Our appointed social worker came one morning in May. We talked, she handed us a mountain of paperwork, she toured the house, etc. and we rescheduled our 2nd visit for a few weeks later. After she left I had a epic melt down. I thought to myself. I'm not cut out for this! I feel like I'm crazy for doing this! What if I'm making a huge mistake? What if I'm going to ruin my marriage? What if I'm going to expose Carter to dangerous, explicit behaviors?
I thought of all these questions before this home visit and they never stopped me from moving forward with the adoption but now they were.
I also felt like going back to the RE and putting my feet in stirrups would be less invasive than the process of conducting a family assessment/home study. Something just didn't feel right. So I called our worker and was honest. She was really sweet and appreciative of my honesty with her. I told her we contemplating going back to RE. She understood, didn't make me feel guilty/bad, wished us luck and said she will be there if and when we ready.
Through all this- Scott and I are on same page. This is why he is my best friend. We come to conclusion that we are never going to be 100% ready to adopt until we do IVF. I am almost 33. We don't have tons of time. There are risks with both Adoption and IVF. At this point in our lives we would rather take the IVF risk. We both yearn to see another creation of our love for one another.
OK. Now what? Rob a bank? How the heck are we coming up with the money for IVF???? I know! I know! Remember this commercial a long time ago?"...up to my eyeballs". This is how we feel about trying to grow our family.
Bottom line is here: NO amount of money is worth our happiness or piece of mind. I would of paid 4x's the amount I spent to get Carter here.
$15,000 is my lifetime (I WILL live to 100) is just a "dent", a "bump", a "hiccup". But right now on June 12, 2014- it feels like Mount Everest! And I'm really nervous to climb!
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Monday, March 11, 2013
The beginning of the end. March 2013
I really thought I was pregnant. I had and felt so many strange symptoms. I'm assuming now it was all because of my borderline over stimulation. I knew on Thursday something was wrong
And/or I began to feel "not pregnant" anymore. I tested at home and it was positive. I went and got blood drawn and then Scott and I waited patiently all day for my blood test results. Around 2PM or so the nurse called and said the words I just felt she was going to say "it was negative." So the home test was a false positive due to Hcg (trigger shot) left in my system. Nurse told me to go back and get drawn again on Saturday to confirm the negative result.
My coping started on Thursday. And I surprisingly feel like I've done well until last night. I had a small meltdown (wine induced). I just don't know if I'm ever going to be 100% OK. I don't think I will. I will always fee a bit "broken" inside. I will always feel a little jealous of others who are able to grow their family. And I don't even want to think about Carter seriously asking me for a brother or sister. He has said it before but I don't think he really understood what he was saving. I don't know?
It honestly feels like we are dealing with a death in the family. That's how to mood is in the house. There's nothing we can do. We just try to move on best we can. We rely on each other for comfort and support, we try and distract each other.
We are selling all of Carter's baby equipment/toys. I already cleaned and piled everything in basement. I get my moments where I think I shouldn't get rid of everything but deep down I know it's the right choice. I "de babied" everything I could in this house. It's time to move on.
What a ride its been!!!! Almost 8 years of trying to get pregnant. Crazy! Ready to move on! Ready to enjoy my life once again. Ready to not wear the huge "I" on my forehead.
This blog had helped me tremendously throughout the years. And although I just brought it back to life recently, it's time to pack it away with all the other reminders of my "baby years". I will always have a place in my heart for those women/couples who have trouble conceiving. Especially with an "Unexplained" diagnosis. I will forever thank God for the miracle boy in my life. I told Scott on Saturday "I really don't understand where Carter came from?" I seems like nothing short of a true miracle for me to get and stay pregnant and then for him to survive my bowel obstruction when I was just 12 weeks pregnant.... A true, true miracle he is. And I will remind him until the day I die.
Scott told that when he was praying during the treatments before we had the IUI- he prayed it would work only if my body could handle the pregnancy. Now, on one hand I thought to myself my body is strong- it survived alot already- I can handle another labor and delivery! But looking back there was a chance for multiples (up to 4 this time) and I'm sure there was a chance of getting another bowel obstruction.
Point being- If this is the reason, the answer- I agree- I don't want to spend one second on this earth without Scott. I know God knows that. He is my partner. My true other half. And Carter just makes life that much more perfect!
Farewell blog! Thanks for listening.
P.S. Carter- when you old enough to read this. I love you more than words can say. I thought, dreamed and prayed for you the moment I met your Dad. You complete us 100%. You are my monkey butt, my boo, my hero. XOXOXO
And/or I began to feel "not pregnant" anymore. I tested at home and it was positive. I went and got blood drawn and then Scott and I waited patiently all day for my blood test results. Around 2PM or so the nurse called and said the words I just felt she was going to say "it was negative." So the home test was a false positive due to Hcg (trigger shot) left in my system. Nurse told me to go back and get drawn again on Saturday to confirm the negative result.
My coping started on Thursday. And I surprisingly feel like I've done well until last night. I had a small meltdown (wine induced). I just don't know if I'm ever going to be 100% OK. I don't think I will. I will always fee a bit "broken" inside. I will always feel a little jealous of others who are able to grow their family. And I don't even want to think about Carter seriously asking me for a brother or sister. He has said it before but I don't think he really understood what he was saving. I don't know?
It honestly feels like we are dealing with a death in the family. That's how to mood is in the house. There's nothing we can do. We just try to move on best we can. We rely on each other for comfort and support, we try and distract each other.
We are selling all of Carter's baby equipment/toys. I already cleaned and piled everything in basement. I get my moments where I think I shouldn't get rid of everything but deep down I know it's the right choice. I "de babied" everything I could in this house. It's time to move on.
What a ride its been!!!! Almost 8 years of trying to get pregnant. Crazy! Ready to move on! Ready to enjoy my life once again. Ready to not wear the huge "I" on my forehead.
This blog had helped me tremendously throughout the years. And although I just brought it back to life recently, it's time to pack it away with all the other reminders of my "baby years". I will always have a place in my heart for those women/couples who have trouble conceiving. Especially with an "Unexplained" diagnosis. I will forever thank God for the miracle boy in my life. I told Scott on Saturday "I really don't understand where Carter came from?" I seems like nothing short of a true miracle for me to get and stay pregnant and then for him to survive my bowel obstruction when I was just 12 weeks pregnant.... A true, true miracle he is. And I will remind him until the day I die.
Scott told that when he was praying during the treatments before we had the IUI- he prayed it would work only if my body could handle the pregnancy. Now, on one hand I thought to myself my body is strong- it survived alot already- I can handle another labor and delivery! But looking back there was a chance for multiples (up to 4 this time) and I'm sure there was a chance of getting another bowel obstruction.
Point being- If this is the reason, the answer- I agree- I don't want to spend one second on this earth without Scott. I know God knows that. He is my partner. My true other half. And Carter just makes life that much more perfect!
Farewell blog! Thanks for listening.
P.S. Carter- when you old enough to read this. I love you more than words can say. I thought, dreamed and prayed for you the moment I met your Dad. You complete us 100%. You are my monkey butt, my boo, my hero. XOXOXO
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Catching up! 2008 to present
Aside from the zillion other things that have changed in my life since 2008 (all for the better I may add!) Unfortunately, infertility wise- not much has changed. In the summer of 2011 we went back to RE office where we had Carter and had a consult with the Dr. about our treatment options for a 2nd child. The visit did not go well. I was hurt by comments made by the Dr. and his disapproval of an infertility support group I began back in 2009. i was also hurt by comment made by the nurse suggesting I didn't go through alot the first time. In my mind I thought- I really don't think it matters if I went through 1 month of being at an RE's office or 6 years- it still feels like failure when you need help doing what should come natural. What should happen in privacy of your bedroom not a sterile Dr.'s office. And what shouldn't cost you thousands and thousands of dollars. Anyway.... We both go tested again because that is the only thing our insurance would cover. Scott's test came back normal and my HSG (dye test) came back normal as well. We put it all on back burner for a while because without insurance coverage for drugs or monitoring we didn't see how we would swing doing this all over again.
Fast forward to Fall 2012. With no luck thus far and our adoption views not the same we decided to visit the Dr. once more. Our old RE moved his practice and is no longer local. I found out from a woman I am now friends with from the infertility group I started that there is a new RE office with a group of RE's in our old RE's office. Their main office in Akron but they are in Canfield too. Reproductive Endocrinology, Inc. I call and make consult and we go in on Oct. 31, 2012. I told Dr. we were trying to decide whether to do injections/IUI (what worked with Carter) or just go for it-and do IVF. He took time with us, answered all of our questions and was willing to let me take control of my treatment decisions with I appreciated. Money wise IVF too expensive. At least 14K. The odds of success higher and I would of done this no problem if my miracle baby wasn't in my life yet but it didn't make sense for us. So we opted for injectibles/IUI again. I mentioned I was on an antagonist when i got pregnant with Carter (prevents early ovulation) and said I'd like to do this again and Dr. agreed to do that.
So, before we started treatment I got an SIS Saline Infused Ultrasound to make sure my uterus looked good- and it did- So we started our very expensive 1st round of FSH with IUI in Dec. 2012. Since I was paying for all of the out of pocket the nurse suggested I tried one month without the antagonist, because it is expensive. So I agreed. Well.... I started to ovulated early (we "think"). I found this out via a home OPK test. So the IUI was scheduled right after I got that positive on my OPK. I did not trigger my ovualtion we just tried to cover our bases with the IUI and regular sex. I knew my follicles were too small though. Odds were stacked against us for that cycle plus my Aunt got extremely ill and it was just an overall hard time emotionally for us. I had tiny hope it would work but it didn't.
In order to pay for these treatments we sold my Equinox and leased a Malibu. So we had a chunk of money to use for a baby. Now after the IUI didn't work and my Aunt got placed on life support in ICU our well pump broke at our house and we used half of our "baby money" to replace it. Wit's end i tell ya!!! One more time Scott and I said. One more time! That's all we can handle.
I had to skip January due to cyst on my ovary from all the FSH. So Feb rolls around, cyst gone and I'm ready to go. I make sure the Dr. office agrees and orders me the antagonist. All went well, took the FSH, took the antagonist, took the trigger, and Scott had his best count ever for the IUI. Odds are stacked for us this time! Our LAST time with an RE! IUI was Sunday Feb. 26, 2013. And I am taking a HPT this Sunday March 10th. All of this is strangely 1 week before we were inseminated with Carter (March 4, 2008).
If this works I am convinced I have discovered my explanation or my unexplained infertility. My egg is releasing too early from my follicle and it is not mature enough to fertilize/develop. This explains why I got pregnant with Carter and possibly why I miscarried too. Who knows? I really don't need an answer because Carter is here and because no matter what happens on Sunday I have the best husband, partner, best friend, supporter in the world- Scott. He saves me and as long as I have him and Carter by my side I will survive!
Fast forward to Fall 2012. With no luck thus far and our adoption views not the same we decided to visit the Dr. once more. Our old RE moved his practice and is no longer local. I found out from a woman I am now friends with from the infertility group I started that there is a new RE office with a group of RE's in our old RE's office. Their main office in Akron but they are in Canfield too. Reproductive Endocrinology, Inc. I call and make consult and we go in on Oct. 31, 2012. I told Dr. we were trying to decide whether to do injections/IUI (what worked with Carter) or just go for it-and do IVF. He took time with us, answered all of our questions and was willing to let me take control of my treatment decisions with I appreciated. Money wise IVF too expensive. At least 14K. The odds of success higher and I would of done this no problem if my miracle baby wasn't in my life yet but it didn't make sense for us. So we opted for injectibles/IUI again. I mentioned I was on an antagonist when i got pregnant with Carter (prevents early ovulation) and said I'd like to do this again and Dr. agreed to do that.
So, before we started treatment I got an SIS Saline Infused Ultrasound to make sure my uterus looked good- and it did- So we started our very expensive 1st round of FSH with IUI in Dec. 2012. Since I was paying for all of the out of pocket the nurse suggested I tried one month without the antagonist, because it is expensive. So I agreed. Well.... I started to ovulated early (we "think"). I found this out via a home OPK test. So the IUI was scheduled right after I got that positive on my OPK. I did not trigger my ovualtion we just tried to cover our bases with the IUI and regular sex. I knew my follicles were too small though. Odds were stacked against us for that cycle plus my Aunt got extremely ill and it was just an overall hard time emotionally for us. I had tiny hope it would work but it didn't.
In order to pay for these treatments we sold my Equinox and leased a Malibu. So we had a chunk of money to use for a baby. Now after the IUI didn't work and my Aunt got placed on life support in ICU our well pump broke at our house and we used half of our "baby money" to replace it. Wit's end i tell ya!!! One more time Scott and I said. One more time! That's all we can handle.
I had to skip January due to cyst on my ovary from all the FSH. So Feb rolls around, cyst gone and I'm ready to go. I make sure the Dr. office agrees and orders me the antagonist. All went well, took the FSH, took the antagonist, took the trigger, and Scott had his best count ever for the IUI. Odds are stacked for us this time! Our LAST time with an RE! IUI was Sunday Feb. 26, 2013. And I am taking a HPT this Sunday March 10th. All of this is strangely 1 week before we were inseminated with Carter (March 4, 2008).
If this works I am convinced I have discovered my explanation or my unexplained infertility. My egg is releasing too early from my follicle and it is not mature enough to fertilize/develop. This explains why I got pregnant with Carter and possibly why I miscarried too. Who knows? I really don't need an answer because Carter is here and because no matter what happens on Sunday I have the best husband, partner, best friend, supporter in the world- Scott. He saves me and as long as I have him and Carter by my side I will survive!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Over 4 years later- New job, new house but one thing remains the same...
Well here's a picture of that miracle boy that was born about 3 weeks after my last post! Carter Scott 11/21/2008. He is 4 years old and an amazing, sweet, hilarious miracle child!!! Life has been so wonderful with him in it! I was an exclusive stay at home mommy until about a year ago when an opportunity arose for me to go back to work part time doing administrative work at an Engineering office. I took the job and I love it! It was refreshing using other parts of my brain again :) Lots of Reproductive Endocrinology stuff to catch up on but here's the short of it. We went off all forms of birth control when Carter was about 7 months. Then we started "really" trying a bit before he turned 3. Then started with a new RE office (Dr. Hecht's no longer local) a bit before Carter turned 4. We went straight to injections/IUI. We are currently in the 2 week wait on our last and final medicated cycle. We are out of money and emotions! We test in about 5 days to see if Carter will be an only child or not. More dets to follow but was excited to post to my blog again!!!
Monday, November 3, 2008
I just can't believe it.
As the days get near to the birth of our first child I'm just still in shock we got pregnant and he is almost with us. It's so surreal. I wonder if every new mom feels this way... I think back to the endless tries and attempts to create this miracle. Maybe we were interfering with our "plan" from God, maybe we were suppose to go to the lengths we did. I will never know and that is just fine with me. I don't regret a single test. procedure, dollar spent, or tear shed. It was all worth it and I will soon hold our miracle baby in my arms and never let him forget how special, wanted and loved he is.
I have so may emotions running through me right now. I just want a safe delivery and I want Scott to stay calm. The way he worries about us is so sweet. He asks me at least 15 times a day if I'm OK as a grunt and moan when I try to get up from the couch or feel a little cramp or pain. He's going to such a great dad! I already know how wonderful of a husband he is!!
3 weeks to go tomorrow! Tomorrow I am considered full term (37 weeks) and it also election day! I have been going to the Dr. on a weekly basis for a few weeks now. Last week I was contracting 2-5 mins. apart but wasn't feeling anything. Still not dilated. We will see what happens today. I am having some cramping today but nothing out of the ordinary for me. Childbirth classes also start this evening. I am anxious for Scott to get to know Tammy (midwife) like I do. Well that's all for now! One day at a time!!!! (Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath...)
I have so may emotions running through me right now. I just want a safe delivery and I want Scott to stay calm. The way he worries about us is so sweet. He asks me at least 15 times a day if I'm OK as a grunt and moan when I try to get up from the couch or feel a little cramp or pain. He's going to such a great dad! I already know how wonderful of a husband he is!!
3 weeks to go tomorrow! Tomorrow I am considered full term (37 weeks) and it also election day! I have been going to the Dr. on a weekly basis for a few weeks now. Last week I was contracting 2-5 mins. apart but wasn't feeling anything. Still not dilated. We will see what happens today. I am having some cramping today but nothing out of the ordinary for me. Childbirth classes also start this evening. I am anxious for Scott to get to know Tammy (midwife) like I do. Well that's all for now! One day at a time!!!! (Deep breath, deep breath, deep breath...)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
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Monday, October 20, 2008
I've been bad with not posting. Almost 35 weeks! Holy Moly!
The baby shower was amazing! It was perfect and beautiful. We received so so so many wonderful gifts and books. We have a big library of books for baby Carter and all the gear he needs for a while! I had a nice speech all prepared to thank everyone and I knew i was going to get choked up when I was giving it but I couldn't even get the first sentence out! I was so emotional because all of this is such a blessing and miracle for us. I was embarrassed but I know my family and friends understand how I feel and what this baby means to us. The world. No words or speech and ever capture what gratitude I feel inside.
After the shower I felt really anxious to get alot done. I think the reality starting to sink in a bit... We got the nursery almost done and everything washed and put away in about a week or two. I got a sonogram on Oct. 6th and all looked good. He was weighing 4 lbs 6oz I believe (a little on the big side)
One week after sonogram I called Tammy because something strange happened and the nurse at her office ensured me it was normal. Well I've been having menstrual-type cramps for weeks now and it seemed like they were especially bad over the weekend. I remember being in a store and not thinking I could walk out I was feeling alot of cramps and pressure so I decided to time them. I was getting them every 30 mins and they would last about 15 mins long. I decided to go into Tammy's office on Mon. Oct 13th to get checked (basically for Scott because he was more worried than me) They hooked me up to the monitors to check baby's heart rate and my contractions. After 30 mins. Tammy comes in to check the monitor and sends me into shock by informing me that I was indeed having contractions and they were 14 mins apart and she was going to check me herself, give me a sonogram and send me to the hospital. She had one of her staff members call Scott to tell him to come pick me up but not to speed to get to the office. (I knew he as going to freak out at this phone call and be there as fast as possible and he was- white as a ghost!)
The 3 possible events that could of taken place. 1. I was in labor and they would have to induce me/c-section
2. I was not in labor and they would give me meds to stop contractions and hopefully that would work
3. I can't remember #3???
All I kept think was I can't have this baby today!! I'm not ready. It's too early. I'm not ready! I don't even have my hospital bag pack yet, I still have things to buy, the house isn't clean enough, I didn't wash my hair today, the baby is too small, what if his lungs aren't ready, what if I can't breast feed like I hope too, I don't to leave him at the NICU... this list was going on and on and on in my head. When we got to St. E's my contractions were 1-3 mins apart. I got injections to quite down my contractions and an IV to keep me hydrated. I got checked by the OB on duty that day who said I was not dilating. A few hours later the test that Tammy performed on me came back negative which meant I was not in labor. (Whew) The high risk Dr. explain that my cervix was shorter (thinner) than normal and he wanted to repeat the sonogram tomorrow. As far as I understand it the contractions were thinning my cervix out which can start labor which is something we need to prevent for as long as possible... The baby has a great chance of surviving and being just fine at this point but the longer he stays in my womb the better. So we stayed overnight at the hospital and finally got the repeat sonogram the next afternoon and contractions were quieting down and my cervix did not thin out any further. So right now I am on meds to stop or quiet contractions until I am 36 weeks (which is Oct. 28) I am seeing Tammy once a week and the OB/GYN she works with once a week as well.
I'm really trying to take it as easy as possible. I cut back work days/hours and trying not to do much of anything. I really think I was overdoing it with lifting/cleaning/walking. I am noticing that little things are getting harder and harder to do. The exhaustion has set in. I'm just so nervous at every tweak of pain or pressure and beginning to feel REALLY nervous about labor and delivery. I'm just going to trust my body and Carter will know what to do when the time comes.
After the shower I felt really anxious to get alot done. I think the reality starting to sink in a bit... We got the nursery almost done and everything washed and put away in about a week or two. I got a sonogram on Oct. 6th and all looked good. He was weighing 4 lbs 6oz I believe (a little on the big side)
One week after sonogram I called Tammy because something strange happened and the nurse at her office ensured me it was normal. Well I've been having menstrual-type cramps for weeks now and it seemed like they were especially bad over the weekend. I remember being in a store and not thinking I could walk out I was feeling alot of cramps and pressure so I decided to time them. I was getting them every 30 mins and they would last about 15 mins long. I decided to go into Tammy's office on Mon. Oct 13th to get checked (basically for Scott because he was more worried than me) They hooked me up to the monitors to check baby's heart rate and my contractions. After 30 mins. Tammy comes in to check the monitor and sends me into shock by informing me that I was indeed having contractions and they were 14 mins apart and she was going to check me herself, give me a sonogram and send me to the hospital. She had one of her staff members call Scott to tell him to come pick me up but not to speed to get to the office. (I knew he as going to freak out at this phone call and be there as fast as possible and he was- white as a ghost!)
The 3 possible events that could of taken place. 1. I was in labor and they would have to induce me/c-section
2. I was not in labor and they would give me meds to stop contractions and hopefully that would work
3. I can't remember #3???
All I kept think was I can't have this baby today!! I'm not ready. It's too early. I'm not ready! I don't even have my hospital bag pack yet, I still have things to buy, the house isn't clean enough, I didn't wash my hair today, the baby is too small, what if his lungs aren't ready, what if I can't breast feed like I hope too, I don't to leave him at the NICU... this list was going on and on and on in my head. When we got to St. E's my contractions were 1-3 mins apart. I got injections to quite down my contractions and an IV to keep me hydrated. I got checked by the OB on duty that day who said I was not dilating. A few hours later the test that Tammy performed on me came back negative which meant I was not in labor. (Whew) The high risk Dr. explain that my cervix was shorter (thinner) than normal and he wanted to repeat the sonogram tomorrow. As far as I understand it the contractions were thinning my cervix out which can start labor which is something we need to prevent for as long as possible... The baby has a great chance of surviving and being just fine at this point but the longer he stays in my womb the better. So we stayed overnight at the hospital and finally got the repeat sonogram the next afternoon and contractions were quieting down and my cervix did not thin out any further. So right now I am on meds to stop or quiet contractions until I am 36 weeks (which is Oct. 28) I am seeing Tammy once a week and the OB/GYN she works with once a week as well.
I'm really trying to take it as easy as possible. I cut back work days/hours and trying not to do much of anything. I really think I was overdoing it with lifting/cleaning/walking. I am noticing that little things are getting harder and harder to do. The exhaustion has set in. I'm just so nervous at every tweak of pain or pressure and beginning to feel REALLY nervous about labor and delivery. I'm just going to trust my body and Carter will know what to do when the time comes.
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