Little Liam

I am 18 weeks pregnant and terrified still isn't the right word. This pregnancy is hands down one of the hardest things I have ever been through. Not physically, but mentally. This is around the time when Liam went to be with the Lord in November of 2014. I know what a baby looks like outside the womb at 18 weeks. I delivered and held one. My little Liam. I still have the tiny blanket he was wrapped in. Jase is the same size. (Oh yeah, its a Boy! and his name is Jase) The exact same size. It brings back a lot of painful memories and guilt. A mother's guilt is like no other....A lot of tears have been shed this past week.
No one can really understand unless they've been through it that pregnancy after a third trimester (unexplained) loss isn't exciting, its not "normal", you don't feel the same, you don't think the same. A pregnancy announcement is important, gender revealing isn't important, a perfect set up nursery with all the latest gadgets isn't important- getting to hold this baby alive in my arms is the only thing that matters to Scott, Carter and I. We are all holding are breath until the day.
Carter says and asks questions about Jase that are extremely difficult. He compares this pregnancy to the last one. He wants to know if its going better this time. Scott and I always stay Faithful and positive when talking to Carter. We pray for Jase every single day. We make sure Carter knows God knows what he is doing 100% of the time. I hate the fact Carter has experienced such a tragedy and remembers everything. It is absolutely heartbreaking. He is beyond excited it is a boy though! He says he's going to carry Jase home from the hospital. He is such a loving boy.
We decided on Beau as a middle name. The meaning behind this is that a baby born after a loss is a rainbow baby. So Beau is short for/means "Rainbow". Jase will be a baby born after losing 3 babies. One from each trimester.
What a year it has been so far. I am really looking forwarding to 2017. I think Scott and I are the only people who cannot wait for winter this year!

"Thy Will be Done"

"Thy Will Be Done"

This song is so powerful!!!!!

What powerful 4 words!!!!

Rainbow baby (Maybe)

Where do I even begin. After the miscarriage and D&C in May I honestly was lost. My Faith, Prayer Life, Bible study, Church attendance went down the tubes. We were also forced to spend all of our free time, energy and money at our rental property which was unfortunately trashed by tenants we had a evict. Then as I mentioned in my last post, my 1st fur baby passed away which really just poured salt in our wounds but we kept moving forward. About four weeks after the D&C I tried to schedule my follow up from D&C but my appointment never happened. I then noticed that I became bloated again (plus I didn't get a period yet). I was bloated the whole last pregnancy and even bloated after the D&C then once the bloating went away I knew all the pregnancy hormones were out of my body. But, the bloating came back.... Could I be pregnant again? I didn't even have a period yet after the D&C, how is that possible? Then I thought... its all in your head because you finally got pregnant on your own, now every month you are going to think you are pregnant. Get ready to be mentally tortured every month like back in the TTC days! I took a test. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? It's positive. Is this from "leftover hormones" from D&C? If this is a new pregnancy, am I just going miscarry again? Is it even safe to get pregnant that quick after D&C? Why am I so fertile all of a sudden after 11 years of actively trying? What the hell is going on?
I had 5 blood/hcg counts and my number kept rising normally. So this was a new pregnancy. Holy shit. Next step- ultrasound. First one showed a gestational sac in the right place that looked better than last pregnancy. Holy shit. Next step- heartbeat. I didn't make it this far with last pregnancy so this appointment was really nerve wracking. We saw a heartbeat! Holy shit. I'm am pregnant. That was about 2 weeks ago. I have an appointment at my high risk Dr. in about 90 minutes to check the baby's progress. I am 8 weeks pregnant (but look like I am 14 weeks).
Terrified isn't the word to describe how I feel. It's worse than terrified. I feel like I'm just waiting for the bad news. I want to get the bad news over with. I desperately want to be wrong. I am scared to hope, I am scared to imagine this little baby in my arms one day, I am scared to pick out a name, I am scared to put a pregnancy app on my phone or go on pinterest and pin baby stuff. The Dr. says the baby will most likely be delivered at 36 weeks once lungs are fully developed. That puts me early to mid January 2017. It seems REALLY far from now. This pregnancy has really sparked flash backs of the twin pregnancy and the death of both of them. I still can't believe all of that happened and I am still standing upright, alive, well and still so thankful for all the Blessings in my life. There is no human that could of helped me survive those moments in my life but God. It was not His fault. He was right beside me weeping and grieving with me. He HAD to be. There's no other explanation for physically and mentally surviving that point in my life. But, I haven't been nice to God lately. I've really "back burnered" Him after this last miscarriage. However, God has shown me the impossible and I am going to get back to fully Trusting Him as my #1 above all and anyone else. Deep down I know He has my back- always.
A baby born after a loss in called a "rainbow baby". My storm did come and it changed me forever. I am still cleaning up the aftermath of my storm but I am starting to see the possibility of a rainbow in my future and its beautiful.

Daaaaang!

I was just reading through this blog and I think its (excuse my language) bat shit crazy everything Scott and I have gone through (and continue to go through) with trying to conceive. This blog is almost 10 years old now! Can you say cra-cra?? A miracle and a tragedy happend in April 2016. After 11 years of trying to conceive on our own- we did! It was the biggest shock of our lives! In my mind I thought this baby had to make it because he or she was conceived naturally. Not under the bright lights of a doctor's office, in stirrups with more credit card and loan debt to our names to pay for it. Also because I've been praying HARD. I mean HARD! about when to go forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer "FET"(We still have 6 babies on ice).  I've been praying about where we were going to get the money and when would be the right time and then BOOM I get pregnant. Answered prayers?

April 9th was my 1st positive home pregnancy test and by May 5th I was having a D&C for a "blighted ovum". That is an embryo that attaches to the uterus but never develops a baby inside. My Faith has been shaken once again... A book that really helped this time was "When Bad Things Happen to Good People". It has a different perspective than the other Christian/Faith based books I have read. So where do I go now?? Well, I need to get my Faith back on track. It's slowly getting there. A anonymous person from our church sent a postcard yesterday that said "Praying For You" on front with such a nice message written on the other side. It came at the perfect time!

It's really strange to read the posts from the 2007 and the 2008 me. As well as the posts from 2012/2013 and during the IVF. I still can't believe I was pregnant with 2 seemingly heathy twins and I buried them both. It's still shocking to my system. I wish I was at home with them right now teaching ABC's and colors....

In other depressing news.... My 1st fur baby passed away last month. Willy. I miss him everyday. He knew when I was upset and need comforting. And he wasn't the type of dog to snuggle, cuddle or even want you to pet him and that's what I loved about him. He would just literally lay by my side, (but not sleep), he would protect me, and let me know he was there. He reminded me of a K9. A no nonsense, LOYAL, friend who you could always count on. Life is definitely not the same without him.

OK had enough "Wa- Wa's"??? yet?? I have and it's time for some good news. I'll keep waiting.

The Faith of a 7 year old

My Carter. Seeing him grieve over the death of his twin brothers has been so heart wrenching. I work really hard to keep his Faith, Trust, Love and Thanksgiving with God- No matter what life brings. This task is hard to do when your own Faith is has been tested beyond belief and you have so many unanswered questions. I never let this get in the way of what I want Carter to know about God and his relationship with Him.
A few months ago Carter and I were having a conversation about the twins and God. Carter told me God made them die and they weren't "his brothers/"in his family" because they weren't on Earth. I was so hurt and shocked to hear this. I explained to Carter, God isn't a mean God. He doesn't "make people die". He is a good, loving Father and His ways are better than ours. He sees a different perspective in Heaven. Our Earthly life is a pin drop compared to an eternity in Heaven. God has a job for everyone. He needed the twins in Heaven. Their job wasn't for Earth it was for Heaven. You do have brother's Carter- they just don't live on Earth, they live in Heaven and you will get to meet them when you go there.
Sometimes when I talk to Carter I don't think he is listening. But then this week happened.

April 22, 2105 was Nathan's scheduled C-section. It was going to be my second son's birthday. When this day passed this year I said out loud to Scott "Today would be celebrating Nathan's 1st birthday, if he was alive" Not thinking C was listening Carter says. "He is alive Mom". Tears ran down my face. Your right Carter, he is alive and I bet he is celebrating with Jesus.

Yesterday after church, we picked Carter up from the kid's church program. As we were walking to the car he was telling me a game they were playing and one of the questions was "If you have brothers or sisters... (do a certain thing)" This is usually a sore subject for C- being an only child but he says "I went up there when they said that because I will never forget".

I love seeing the roots grow deep in Carter. It is amazing.

The Power of Pets

Although they are messy, hairy, bark and meow too much and are constantly begging for food, these three have helped me heal in so many ways. Their unconditional love is so needed. I am so thankful for my "black pack" and all the ways they give me comfort.

I'd also like to share how I carry my twin boys with me everywhere I go. Scott and I got these tattoos less than 2 weeks after Nathan passed away. We designed them ourselves. I chose that spot on my arm because it is where their heads would of laid... Love you boys!

Reap what you sow

I did reap what I sowed. It hit me straight in the face too. It was hard to accept but I did.

I went to Aldi's grocery store a week or so ago. I do not shop at Aldi's very often but I noticed in their ad they had some pretty good sales so I took $30.00 in cash and my own grocery bags and headed to Aldi's in Austintown. I told myself to pay attention to what I was putting in my cart- making sure I didn't go over $30.00- I remember only cash being accepted at Aldi's (I never have cash on me).
I did good in the beginning- using the calculator on my phone. Well that didn't last long so once I finally got to the checkout I knew it was going to be close. The gentleman who checked me out asked how I was- I said "Good- how are you??"  He replied "I'm having a pretty rotten day" but he wasn't rude or upset when he said this, he was just being honest and was actually really friendly. He told me my total was $41 and some change. I panicked. "I only have $30.00 cash", "Do you take checks?", "Can I return some of this??".
Dan (the Aldi's worker) immediately said "I'll cover it for you". He then gets up, busts out a MasterCard and swipes it to cover the remaining balance of $11 and some change before I could even react any further.
"No, no, no don't do that, I will write you a check, what's your last name?, I know your first name is Dan, you really don't have to do that, I feel bad, you not paying for my groceries, I didn't expect this, you said you were having a rotten day!"
"It's OK" He says, it's only $11.00, and don't come back in to pay me back".
It was so easy for this man, there was no thinking about it, he just did it, he just immediately helps a stranger without thinking. He has to do this all the time. I say thank you a dozen times and leave.
I was going to go straight to the bank, get cash out and take it back in to Aldi's but after talking to my husband and my sister I decided to accept this man's gracious act of kindness. I thought of the rotten day I had on March 16th- the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life. The day that forever changed me. I chose perform random acts of kindness on my rotten day. That's what Dan from Aldi's decided too and I was the lucky recipient!

God is Good.