Prayer

I've never prayed this hard. I know that sounds horrible but I've really been trying to talk to God and ask Him for my miracle, ask Him to bless us, ensure Him we are ready and willing to accept children. I ask Him for Faith, Strength, Hope and positive thinking. I get so emotional when I pray because it means so much to me. I can't help to think What if this doesn't happen? What am i going to do? I try to avoid those thoughts but sometimes its impossible. There's nothing I can do but wait and this week is going to creep by ever so slowly- i know it will. Its just another test of my patients. I cant help but feel like its going to end in failure- can you blame me?? It's been over two years of failure. I just feel like I got pregnant from the shots the first time so it HAS to work the 2nd time- But as Dr. Hecht explained- that's not true. I just want ONE sign. One sign that makes me believe it happened. I'll take anything at this point.

My 6pm appointment pictures

I thought I would post some pictures of what makes me feel like a human pincushion! This is the whole kit spread out. The red container is my needle waste basket then in the black kit from left to right is my pen disposal container, next to that is the Gonal-f pen itself which is pre-loaded with medication, next to that alcohol wipes and band-aids, then lastly a box of needles.

Here is the pen up close. You attach the needle, set the amount of the dose, pull out then end to set the dose, inject yourself and press the end button down until it stops clicking, wait 5 seconds and remove the needle. It's really easy actually- just ask Scott- I think he enjoyed stabbing me with this sometimes :) just kidding!

I just wanna go home.

I'm at work. I just wanna go home and lay down. I am inseminated. 27 million swimmers. I was hoping for over 40 million but its not a big deal when you are talking about 27 vs. 40 million sperm. I got highly upset today when I got the IUI done. I was in alot of pain and really nervous and I was upset Scott couldn't be there and all I kept thinking was "why do I have to go through this?" Anyway- I got through it and I'm feeling pretty bad pressure and bloating right now. I did take one Tylenol because nurse assured me that was OK. I felt so stupid that I got that upset at Dr. and starting sobbing actually but I couldn't help it- I'm just emotional about all this right now. I'm so scared to miscarry but even more scared of a negative result in two weeks. I'm going to keep the faith and stay positive though. I have lots of plans to keep myself busy so I'm going to distract my mind as much as possible. I start progesterone on Friday and beta blood test on Oct. 15th. I hope this is it. I hope my miracle is being created right now.

We are good to go. IUI is Wed.

Here we go again! Round 2 FSH/IUI cycle. This will technically be my 6th IUI but 2nd IUI with injections. I went to RE on Sat. September 29th and he said I wasn't quite ready. He lowered my dose to 75IU's for Saturday and Sunday night and back to office on Monday. He said I was going to have multiple eggs like last time so good chance of pregnancy but higher chance of multiple which yes- would be neat BUT scary too (and alot more work) My take is- God will bless us with however many he wants to bless us with. He knew I could handle all that we've been through thus far and I trust we can handle whatever outcome the next few weeks bring. When I went back to RE today Dr. asked if I ready to count those eggs??? I have 4-5 potentials on left (my powerhouse ovary as Dr. said) and 1-2 on right. So I think I had even better response than last time. Dr. joked with me and said "I want to get rid of you already!" And I said "I don't want to see you anymore either!" LOL. It was funny. I'm not feeling any sandbag feelings yet but if it was anything like last time I will be pretty miserable come Wednesday night through the weekend. Time to cut off my alcohol, coffee and housework intake!! I think I may go to the store tonight and buy activities to keep me busy- like a coloring book, a knitting kit, random arts and crafts, etc. I need to keep my mind and body occupied and RELAXED. No stress. I also plan lots of pampering to keep busy- soak my feet, take baths, steam my face... I can do this. I can distracted my mind for a few weeks. Oh and PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! This is most important. So HCG (trigger shot) tonight at 11pm and IUI (insemination) Wed morning.

Injection day 8

It's injection day 8. So far, so good. I do feel crappy though. I am tired, irritable and just feel yucky. My ovaries aren't too "sandbagish" yet but I'm sure they'll get there. I am to take 150IU from tonight until Friday and back to RE bright and early on Saturday! I told Dr. I was in a wedding Saturday so I have to be out by 9am to get my hair done. He told me to get here as early as possible because it will be busy. So I guess no sleeping in for me on Sat. That's OK though. On my ultrasound today he said my right ovary was resting and I have a few on the left. I went back through this blog and that is the same exact situation as round #1. None on right and few on left. Then my right produced one potential I believe when it was all said and done. So- if Friday is my last shot day that is 10 total days of injections or 1575 total IUs. Last time I was on 11 total days of injections or 1800 total IUs- But who counting??? LOL. We will just see what happens on Sat. I hope I have at least 4 potentials. C'mon eggs!! You can do it!

My Scottie- He saves me.

Every now and then

I get a little lost

The strings all get tangled

The wires all get crossed

Every now and then

I’m right upon the edge

Danglin’ my toes out over the ledge

I just thank God you’re here

'Cause when I’m a bullet shot out of a gun

When I’m a firecracker comin’ undone

When I’m a fugitive ready to run

All wild-eyed and crazy

No matter where my reckless soul takes me

Baby you save me

It’s hard lovin’ a man

That’s got a gypsy soul

I don’t know how you do it

I’m not sure how you know

The perfect thing to say

To save me from myself

You’re the angel that believes in me

Like nobody else

And I thank God you do

'Cause when I’m a bullet shot out of a gun
when I’m a firecracker comin’ undone
When I’m a fugitive ready to run
All wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me

Well I know I don’t tell you nearly enough

I couldn’t live one day without your love

When I’m a ship tossed around on the waves

Up on a high wire that’s ready to break

When I’ve had just about all I can take

Baby you save me

I had to post the words to this song by Kenny Chesney that really hits home for me (us) I was thinking on the way to work this morning about all the things that give me anxiety- Not being able to find a good job, not having enough money, all that we've been through with fertility treatments and miscarriage and it all seems OK because I have Scott. He truly saves me. I think we save each other. Because we've been together so long -sometimes we take each other for granted or we don't put out that extra effort sometimes. We don't do the sweet surprises and big date night as often BUT we are connected on a level that I cant even explain. We know what each one is feeling and we don't have to say anything- we just know- and we hold each other and try to heal ourselves with each other. None of my problems seem so devastating when I think about what I have with Scott. i would die without him and after 10 years I still get choked up when i think about how much he means to me. I guess I'm just feeling the love today :)

Pressure.

I felt alot of pressure on my ovaries today when I was getting ultrasound. Seems kind of early to be feeling that much pressure?? who knows? My estrogen level was OK so they increased my dose to 187.5IU for tonight and Tues. Back to Doc. on Wed. Hecht said I will be on shots for the next 5 days at least. Ugh- I feel crappy today :( and yesterday. Maybe its the extra hormones? Yeah- I'll blame it on that....