The Faith of a 7 year old

My Carter. Seeing him grieve over the death of his twin brothers has been so heart wrenching. I work really hard to keep his Faith, Trust, Love and Thanksgiving with God- No matter what life brings. This task is hard to do when your own Faith is has been tested beyond belief and you have so many unanswered questions. I never let this get in the way of what I want Carter to know about God and his relationship with Him.
A few months ago Carter and I were having a conversation about the twins and God. Carter told me God made them die and they weren't "his brothers/"in his family" because they weren't on Earth. I was so hurt and shocked to hear this. I explained to Carter, God isn't a mean God. He doesn't "make people die". He is a good, loving Father and His ways are better than ours. He sees a different perspective in Heaven. Our Earthly life is a pin drop compared to an eternity in Heaven. God has a job for everyone. He needed the twins in Heaven. Their job wasn't for Earth it was for Heaven. You do have brother's Carter- they just don't live on Earth, they live in Heaven and you will get to meet them when you go there.
Sometimes when I talk to Carter I don't think he is listening. But then this week happened.

April 22, 2105 was Nathan's scheduled C-section. It was going to be my second son's birthday. When this day passed this year I said out loud to Scott "Today would be celebrating Nathan's 1st birthday, if he was alive" Not thinking C was listening Carter says. "He is alive Mom". Tears ran down my face. Your right Carter, he is alive and I bet he is celebrating with Jesus.

Yesterday after church, we picked Carter up from the kid's church program. As we were walking to the car he was telling me a game they were playing and one of the questions was "If you have brothers or sisters... (do a certain thing)" This is usually a sore subject for C- being an only child but he says "I went up there when they said that because I will never forget".

I love seeing the roots grow deep in Carter. It is amazing.

The Power of Pets

Although they are messy, hairy, bark and meow too much and are constantly begging for food, these three have helped me heal in so many ways. Their unconditional love is so needed. I am so thankful for my "black pack" and all the ways they give me comfort.

I'd also like to share how I carry my twin boys with me everywhere I go. Scott and I got these tattoos less than 2 weeks after Nathan passed away. We designed them ourselves. I chose that spot on my arm because it is where their heads would of laid... Love you boys!

Reap what you sow

I did reap what I sowed. It hit me straight in the face too. It was hard to accept but I did.

I went to Aldi's grocery store a week or so ago. I do not shop at Aldi's very often but I noticed in their ad they had some pretty good sales so I took $30.00 in cash and my own grocery bags and headed to Aldi's in Austintown. I told myself to pay attention to what I was putting in my cart- making sure I didn't go over $30.00- I remember only cash being accepted at Aldi's (I never have cash on me).
I did good in the beginning- using the calculator on my phone. Well that didn't last long so once I finally got to the checkout I knew it was going to be close. The gentleman who checked me out asked how I was- I said "Good- how are you??"  He replied "I'm having a pretty rotten day" but he wasn't rude or upset when he said this, he was just being honest and was actually really friendly. He told me my total was $41 and some change. I panicked. "I only have $30.00 cash", "Do you take checks?", "Can I return some of this??".
Dan (the Aldi's worker) immediately said "I'll cover it for you". He then gets up, busts out a MasterCard and swipes it to cover the remaining balance of $11 and some change before I could even react any further.
"No, no, no don't do that, I will write you a check, what's your last name?, I know your first name is Dan, you really don't have to do that, I feel bad, you not paying for my groceries, I didn't expect this, you said you were having a rotten day!"
"It's OK" He says, it's only $11.00, and don't come back in to pay me back".
It was so easy for this man, there was no thinking about it, he just did it, he just immediately helps a stranger without thinking. He has to do this all the time. I say thank you a dozen times and leave.
I was going to go straight to the bank, get cash out and take it back in to Aldi's but after talking to my husband and my sister I decided to accept this man's gracious act of kindness. I thought of the rotten day I had on March 16th- the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life. The day that forever changed me. I chose perform random acts of kindness on my rotten day. That's what Dan from Aldi's decided too and I was the lucky recipient!

God is Good.

Year 1 is over.

We spent our day doing random acts of kindness. We paid for someone's coffee, left stamps in a stamp machine, left quarters in a laundromat and at a car wash, left baby wipes on a changing table in a restroom, left $2 at a red box, left money in soda vending machine, left $1 in the toy section of the dollar store, left a note in woman's dressing room that said "You are beautiful!" and left a generous tip at the restaurant we ate lunch at. It was a good day. Since we missed church this past Sunday we also listened to the message via the church's app. It was the MOST PERFECT message for us to hear yesterday! It was amazing. After Carter got home from school we each wrote messages to Nathan and Liam on a balloon and sent it up into the sky. When Carter got up this morning he said "I bet Jesus has that balloon now!" It was still hard and today is hard too but I'm glad we used our time wisely yesterday. We made a choice.

Laura Story - Blessings

Heard this song recently. I think I love it.
God has been speaking to me lately and I am so thankful.

My head may explode...

So I've been really "down in the dumps" lately. I haven't cried or yelled or screamed. I haven't stayed in bed or not cooked dinner or not do homework, or not exercise... I've just been really depressed on the inside but have not allowed myself to call off work, crawl into a hole and self-medicate like I want to. I can't.
Carter and I were playing basketball in his room last night and all of a sudden out of no where he says. "Mom, are you disappointed?"  I said "No, with who?" He said "the babies, because they died" I explained to him that I sometimes am confused as to why they died and I won't know the answer until I get to Heaven. He asks me if I want to go to Heaven. I say "Of course, but not right now, I will miss you, I need to take care of you still" He replies "Well, Dad is here" I say "I know Dad is here but won't you miss me if I go to Heaven?" and he says "Yes, but I will be there".
I really don't know what to make of this conversation... I keep replaying it over in my head. Was Carter trying to make me feel better? Is he really that comfortable talking about going to Heaven? Does he understand what he is saying? How did he sense my frustration with God? Was God trying to tell me something with this conversation?

I don't know?

Finding my fit.

I want to be a part of a foundation that helps. Which one is right for me?? Maybe I should start my own? What do I want to do? I want to help other women who are like me. As I think back to my time in the hospital and the days after I delivered my rainbow baby- I wonder if there was something that would of brought me a smidgen of comfort? The only thing I can think of is the Molly Bears I ordered for the twins. They are weighted bears for parents who lost a baby too soon. http://mollybears.com. I love my Molly Bears- especially Nathan's because it is the exact weight that he weighed (4lbs. 1oz.)and it is something I can hold in my arms. As sad as it sounds, it helps me to cradle that bear in my arms and cry.
It takes months and months to receive the bear once you order it. Had I been able to carry it out with me from the hospital- it might have been a smidgen of comfort to me as a mother. I contacted Molly Bears and proposed my idea to them. To have Bears on hand and deliver them to the local hospital so these parents can have the bear with them when they leave hospital. I also applied to be a volunteer for the MISS Foundation http://missfoundation.org/ I stumbled across this foundation online and I was impressed. I especially loved their kindness project! http://missfoundation.org/support/kindness.

I've been to our local support group, I've been to a memorial service, I've been to therapy. I'm starting to think I am more comfortable at the other end- giving support, not receiving it. It's not because I don't need support- I do. But I feel a lot of healing and comfort from helping others, giving advice, giving Hope or just trying to make someone's day a little bit better and brighter. I just need to figure out where I fit in.

Not realizing it at the time but something else that would bring me comfort now- 10 months later- is a picture of the twins I could hang on my wall. A picture of Nathan that looks like he is sleeping- not dead. I appreciate the nurses taking pictures of the boys and I didn't even realize at the moment how important they would be to me later but if I had someone/photographer who had decent camera with some kind of filter and cleaned/wrapped him in blanket/positioned him different/more natural I would of really, really appreciated that now. No offense to any of the nurses who helped me tremendously at the hospital but I feel like the pictures I have look like crime scene photos. Can I offer this with my just my cell phone camera having no experience as a photographer? I don't know...If I could team up with a photographer that would be amazing. Maybe I will look into that.

On a different note, the flashbacks and repeat/replay in my head have gotten better. I still get them when I'm driving in the car though. The path/drive to the hospital when Nathan died that night is the same path I take to work everyday. We trying to get rid of my car. Scott and I both get bad memories when we drive in it. I've been taking a herbal/natural supplement called "Star of Bethlehem". It was recommended to me from a psychologist. I think it is helping my brain not relive those traumatic moments so much and/or get triggered so easily. I do keep thinking about Nathan's 1 year angelversary coming up. I am really nervous about this day. I don't know what I'm going to feel like... or what I'm going to do... I don't know what to expect. I hope the anticipation outweighs the actual events of that day. Right now it feels like the whole month of March is going to be treacherous.

I hope my boys show up soon. I haven't had a "good" sign from them in a while. I will be on the lookout boys! Please come say hi to your Mama! Love you and Miss you like crazy...