Injection Day 7

Things are going as normal. No real great response yet but my ovaries will be "kicking it up a notch" later this week I'm sure. I go back to RE's on Wednesday. The nurse hasn't called me back yet to tell me what my dose will be tonight but I'm guessing Dr. is going to increase it a bit. I've been having some major hot flashes it seems this treatment cycle and just a nauseated feeling. Not sure if it's the extra hormones or the pounds of food I ate over the holiday weekend! I am getting my normal chest soreness and exhaustion but I'm use to this by now. I am betting IUI will be next Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. Usually I would have my tree and decorations up by now- I'm just not feeling up to it and I don't see the point. It sounds so Ebenezer Scrooge but I am just being honest. I told Scott if the feeling comes over me where I want to get all the Christmas stuff out i will - but if it doesn't come to me I'm not going to worry about it.

Round #3. Last chance before a big decision

Here we go again. Its been a bad past few days. The ugly "Aunt Flo" arrived and once again I am fathomed at the fact that we cant get pregnant like two normal human beings. As I walked into the Dr.'s office today all I kept thinking was... isn't Scott and I's love for each other enough? We have a connection and love for one another that many never find and I am grateful for that every second of my life but isn't that good enough to bring a baby into our lives? We have SO much love to give. We are good, loving people. We have a warm, happy home and so much love for each other. Isn't that enough??? The frustration and questions never end. As I probably said before- I could never do this without Scott. He honest to God is the reason I am still going. I can without a doubt say my heart feels the same about him as it did 10 years ago. When I think about how much he means to me, how much I love him, and how much we've been through together- I know if he's by my side he can get me through anything.
I seen Dr. Hecht this morning. 150IU's today through Sunday, back to office on Monday. I not going to put the extra effort into being hopeful, positive, and full of Faith this time. I wish I could. I'm just tired and it seems like no matter what I do, how I think or feel it always ends in disappointment (at least in this aspect of my life) So I'm going to take it one day at a time. If this doesn't work our next option is an extremely expensive option. I am willing to sacrifice whatever I have to to get pregnant. Call it selfish or selfless- Its our choice. I just don't think Scott and I are on the same page about Invitro Fertilization (IVF). I guess we will just cross that bridge if we have to. Time to turn into a pin cushion for the next few weeks.... Eeeek.

Update

Its been quite a while. Over a month. I went for a beta blood test on Oct. 15th. It was negative. I sobbed and sobbed- I left work and called my mother. I had to talk to her. I drove to her work and I just told her how we tried injections again and they didn't work and how incredibly hard it was for me to not tell her. I don't get it? Its been over 2 years- we've had every test done possible- I've taken so many drugs, I've had so many insemination's. I don't get it. We don't get it. Then we got more bad news. Scott's new insurance doesn't cover any injection medication. We have one more box of injections in our fridge so that means one more round of injections and that's it (because one box cost $700 and I usually go through more than one box a cycle)- we've exhausted all "reasonable" options.

Except for IVF- Invitro Fertilization which is about 10-15K. That is where they take my eggs out- fertilize them w/ Scott's sperm and put the fertilized eggs back into my body. It's a 50% success rate I believe compared to the 10-20% success rate we've been dealing with with Clomid, FSH and IUI's. My thought is- I will do whatever it takes. Sell my car, work 4 jobs, or whatever to pay for a loan for this. This is the only way it will happen for us. I don't think Scott is totally on the same page as me. Yes, he wants to be pregnant as much as I do but it bothers him its only a 50% success rate for such a large amount of money. I know what he means but we've come so far- we've worked so hard. I DON'T want to give up! I want to put all this on the back burner right now because I still do have one more chance w/ injections and IUI but its so hard for me to be positive about anything working in our favor.

This month's disappointment was harder than usual. It felt like it was on the level of the miscarriage disappointment I felt months ago. I swear every time I turn around I see or hear about pregnancy or babies. It upsets Scott too. We are both so damn frustrated. We decided to go away for Christmas and celebrate our little family together and alone. Christmas is pretty much about the kids and we need to distance ourselves from that with no offense to anyone in our family whatsoever. Its just something we need to do- for our emotional sanity. I'm excited to go away- we are taking the dogs so that will be so much fun and great because I won't be worrying about them 24/7!

Also I took my real estate sales classes and just need to take the state test to official get my real estate license. I'm excited for the change and the opportunity to make some commission cash flow. It's been nice to think about school and studying for a while and not all about why we can't get pregnant 24/7. BUT, the time is coming for us to start out 3rd and final round of injections. I don't know how to feel about it. I'm definitely not excited. I'm trying to be hopeful but I am terrified that I will have yet ANOTHER negative. Anything is possible right? I wish I could think of that phrase in a positive way and not a negative but given my past circumstances I have NO clue where my daily motivation comes from...
I feel like creating a life is part science and part miracle and we are definately doing everything possible for the "science" aspect of it- so why haven't I had my miracle side? why in 27 months? what did I do not to have my miracle? Ugh. I have ALOT of questions and no explainations.

Prayer

I've never prayed this hard. I know that sounds horrible but I've really been trying to talk to God and ask Him for my miracle, ask Him to bless us, ensure Him we are ready and willing to accept children. I ask Him for Faith, Strength, Hope and positive thinking. I get so emotional when I pray because it means so much to me. I can't help to think What if this doesn't happen? What am i going to do? I try to avoid those thoughts but sometimes its impossible. There's nothing I can do but wait and this week is going to creep by ever so slowly- i know it will. Its just another test of my patients. I cant help but feel like its going to end in failure- can you blame me?? It's been over two years of failure. I just feel like I got pregnant from the shots the first time so it HAS to work the 2nd time- But as Dr. Hecht explained- that's not true. I just want ONE sign. One sign that makes me believe it happened. I'll take anything at this point.

My 6pm appointment pictures

I thought I would post some pictures of what makes me feel like a human pincushion! This is the whole kit spread out. The red container is my needle waste basket then in the black kit from left to right is my pen disposal container, next to that is the Gonal-f pen itself which is pre-loaded with medication, next to that alcohol wipes and band-aids, then lastly a box of needles.

Here is the pen up close. You attach the needle, set the amount of the dose, pull out then end to set the dose, inject yourself and press the end button down until it stops clicking, wait 5 seconds and remove the needle. It's really easy actually- just ask Scott- I think he enjoyed stabbing me with this sometimes :) just kidding!

I just wanna go home.

I'm at work. I just wanna go home and lay down. I am inseminated. 27 million swimmers. I was hoping for over 40 million but its not a big deal when you are talking about 27 vs. 40 million sperm. I got highly upset today when I got the IUI done. I was in alot of pain and really nervous and I was upset Scott couldn't be there and all I kept thinking was "why do I have to go through this?" Anyway- I got through it and I'm feeling pretty bad pressure and bloating right now. I did take one Tylenol because nurse assured me that was OK. I felt so stupid that I got that upset at Dr. and starting sobbing actually but I couldn't help it- I'm just emotional about all this right now. I'm so scared to miscarry but even more scared of a negative result in two weeks. I'm going to keep the faith and stay positive though. I have lots of plans to keep myself busy so I'm going to distract my mind as much as possible. I start progesterone on Friday and beta blood test on Oct. 15th. I hope this is it. I hope my miracle is being created right now.

We are good to go. IUI is Wed.

Here we go again! Round 2 FSH/IUI cycle. This will technically be my 6th IUI but 2nd IUI with injections. I went to RE on Sat. September 29th and he said I wasn't quite ready. He lowered my dose to 75IU's for Saturday and Sunday night and back to office on Monday. He said I was going to have multiple eggs like last time so good chance of pregnancy but higher chance of multiple which yes- would be neat BUT scary too (and alot more work) My take is- God will bless us with however many he wants to bless us with. He knew I could handle all that we've been through thus far and I trust we can handle whatever outcome the next few weeks bring. When I went back to RE today Dr. asked if I ready to count those eggs??? I have 4-5 potentials on left (my powerhouse ovary as Dr. said) and 1-2 on right. So I think I had even better response than last time. Dr. joked with me and said "I want to get rid of you already!" And I said "I don't want to see you anymore either!" LOL. It was funny. I'm not feeling any sandbag feelings yet but if it was anything like last time I will be pretty miserable come Wednesday night through the weekend. Time to cut off my alcohol, coffee and housework intake!! I think I may go to the store tonight and buy activities to keep me busy- like a coloring book, a knitting kit, random arts and crafts, etc. I need to keep my mind and body occupied and RELAXED. No stress. I also plan lots of pampering to keep busy- soak my feet, take baths, steam my face... I can do this. I can distracted my mind for a few weeks. Oh and PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! This is most important. So HCG (trigger shot) tonight at 11pm and IUI (insemination) Wed morning.