My head may explode...

So I've been really "down in the dumps" lately. I haven't cried or yelled or screamed. I haven't stayed in bed or not cooked dinner or not do homework, or not exercise... I've just been really depressed on the inside but have not allowed myself to call off work, crawl into a hole and self-medicate like I want to. I can't.
Carter and I were playing basketball in his room last night and all of a sudden out of no where he says. "Mom, are you disappointed?"  I said "No, with who?" He said "the babies, because they died" I explained to him that I sometimes am confused as to why they died and I won't know the answer until I get to Heaven. He asks me if I want to go to Heaven. I say "Of course, but not right now, I will miss you, I need to take care of you still" He replies "Well, Dad is here" I say "I know Dad is here but won't you miss me if I go to Heaven?" and he says "Yes, but I will be there".
I really don't know what to make of this conversation... I keep replaying it over in my head. Was Carter trying to make me feel better? Is he really that comfortable talking about going to Heaven? Does he understand what he is saying? How did he sense my frustration with God? Was God trying to tell me something with this conversation?

I don't know?

Finding my fit.

I want to be a part of a foundation that helps. Which one is right for me?? Maybe I should start my own? What do I want to do? I want to help other women who are like me. As I think back to my time in the hospital and the days after I delivered my rainbow baby- I wonder if there was something that would of brought me a smidgen of comfort? The only thing I can think of is the Molly Bears I ordered for the twins. They are weighted bears for parents who lost a baby too soon. http://mollybears.com. I love my Molly Bears- especially Nathan's because it is the exact weight that he weighed (4lbs. 1oz.)and it is something I can hold in my arms. As sad as it sounds, it helps me to cradle that bear in my arms and cry.
It takes months and months to receive the bear once you order it. Had I been able to carry it out with me from the hospital- it might have been a smidgen of comfort to me as a mother. I contacted Molly Bears and proposed my idea to them. To have Bears on hand and deliver them to the local hospital so these parents can have the bear with them when they leave hospital. I also applied to be a volunteer for the MISS Foundation http://missfoundation.org/ I stumbled across this foundation online and I was impressed. I especially loved their kindness project! http://missfoundation.org/support/kindness.

I've been to our local support group, I've been to a memorial service, I've been to therapy. I'm starting to think I am more comfortable at the other end- giving support, not receiving it. It's not because I don't need support- I do. But I feel a lot of healing and comfort from helping others, giving advice, giving Hope or just trying to make someone's day a little bit better and brighter. I just need to figure out where I fit in.

Not realizing it at the time but something else that would bring me comfort now- 10 months later- is a picture of the twins I could hang on my wall. A picture of Nathan that looks like he is sleeping- not dead. I appreciate the nurses taking pictures of the boys and I didn't even realize at the moment how important they would be to me later but if I had someone/photographer who had decent camera with some kind of filter and cleaned/wrapped him in blanket/positioned him different/more natural I would of really, really appreciated that now. No offense to any of the nurses who helped me tremendously at the hospital but I feel like the pictures I have look like crime scene photos. Can I offer this with my just my cell phone camera having no experience as a photographer? I don't know...If I could team up with a photographer that would be amazing. Maybe I will look into that.

On a different note, the flashbacks and repeat/replay in my head have gotten better. I still get them when I'm driving in the car though. The path/drive to the hospital when Nathan died that night is the same path I take to work everyday. We trying to get rid of my car. Scott and I both get bad memories when we drive in it. I've been taking a herbal/natural supplement called "Star of Bethlehem". It was recommended to me from a psychologist. I think it is helping my brain not relive those traumatic moments so much and/or get triggered so easily. I do keep thinking about Nathan's 1 year angelversary coming up. I am really nervous about this day. I don't know what I'm going to feel like... or what I'm going to do... I don't know what to expect. I hope the anticipation outweighs the actual events of that day. Right now it feels like the whole month of March is going to be treacherous.

I hope my boys show up soon. I haven't had a "good" sign from them in a while. I will be on the lookout boys! Please come say hi to your Mama! Love you and Miss you like crazy...

No, no and no

So we've been waiting on answers on three things. All have to do with money and  "catching a break" so to speak. I thought for sure one of theses answers was going to be yes. I knew the other two were long shots but I still had Hope.
1. We asked the hospital to help us financially with all the medical bills we incurred over the pregnancy and birth/death. The answer: No. This was the surprising one to me. It irks me how many people take advantage of "the system". It really isn't fair but that will never stop me from being a honest human being.
2. We asked Scott's employer for infertility coverage. We were shocked when we got a response from the Human Resources contact saying that infertility coverage for the company as a whole will be brought up in the next meeting. The answer: No. No plans on offering infertility coverage to employees.
3. We applied for a Baby Quest grant. A thick application including photos, a letter, medical forms filled out by my Dr. and myself as well as a $50.00 "application fee". The answer: No. We were not chosen. Please try again.

So I'm driving to work this morning and that's when I do my really deep thinking. WHY? Why do I Hope for things? Why can't we catch a break financially?, Where is this money going to come from for the frozen embryos? Why do I even Pray?, Why is the answer NO most of the time?, Why did I even think one of these answers was going to be Yes? I feel like an idiot. Why do I feel like the Holy Spirit is telling me something but then I am totally wrong? Why do I even Hope and Pray? Does the Holy Spirit even exist? Why can't God hear me? Why is husband so stressed out all the time about money? How am I supposed to help us?

I just don't know. I am so confused. I want to keep my head up but I feel like I'm hanging from threads right now.

As I was having this silent melt down in my head,  "I am not alone" by Kari Jobe came on the radio. This song reminds me of my friend's mom who recently passed away. Her name is Mary. The day Mary's family decided to take her off life support I went to the hospital to offer my love ,support and prayers . Knowing Mary's husband wanted to start the process around sunset I left the hospital around that time in the evening. As I was driving home I was so upset for my friend, for her family, for the situation. As I stared into the beautiful pink/orange sunset I couldn't help but imagine what my friend must be feeling losing her Mom, what Mary's husband felt losing his wife and what Mary felt like inside. Then the song "I am not alone" came on and I knew it was Mary talking to me through the radio letting me know she is not alone and that it will be OK. It is a moment I will never forget. Coincidentally, the same song was sung at her funeral. When it came on today I felt like it was Mary telling me I am not alone. God hears you! your boys hear you! I hear you! just keep going, just keep moving forward.

Thank you Mary- I needed that

We are not alone this Thanksiving

Grateful and Grieving

This is a blog post I stumbled across. I loved it.

Dear Sweet Liam,
Only you know how I feel inside about this day exactly 1 year ago. I worry about you everyday. Please fill my heart with Peace.
Love always,
Mom

Left behind

I feel left behind. I feel like life moved on for my everyone and it didn't move on for Scott and I. We are left behind. Our lives aren't back to "normal", we can't fully enjoy a birthday, a holiday, a celebration, anything. We are stuck. We are trapped. Everyone is moving forward and we cannot. To him and I it feels like we are going to feel this way forever but I know that is not true. I feel as though Scott and I are so sensitive right now because we have been hit with such shock and trauma. We are also depressed. We have an incredibly low tolerance for drama, bull shit, fake-ness, and insensitivity. We want everyone to put themselves in our shoes before they talk to us about their "problems". Maybe that makes us intimidating, hard to love, not fun to be around?? I don't know.
I can't bubble myself, even though I'd like to.
With the holidays season approaching it just feels like I'm going through the motions because I am stuck. I am stuck thinking about the twin boys I thought were going to celebrating their 1st Christmas but instead I just ordered a memorial ornament for them to hang on the tree...

Year 1

The first year after a personal loss is the hardest. I can't wait until my "Year 1" is over. I have until St. Patrick's Day of 2016. I know I won't feel miraculously better on March 18th but all those thoughts in my head right now of "Last year at this time I was..." Just found out I was pregnant... Just found out it was twins, Just found out Liam was abnormal, Knew Liam was going to die, Lost Liam...., Had a baby shower, Set up the nursery, Lost Nathan...
Last night was bad. It was one of those nights where I kept getting flashbacks of all the horrible events that have happened the past year. I can easily put myself right back in those moments. It is so painful. I want them to stop. I feel horrible that we lost Liam only 3 days after Carter's birthday. I think I 'm going super overboard with Carter's birthday party to distract myself. It was working up until recently. I want my twin boys back. I want them to be celebrating their big brother's birthday and the Holidays with us. My heart just aches for them.

3 babies lost. One in each of the 3 trimesters. 6 weeks, 18 weeks and 35 weeks. Each loss had its own difficulties and pain. It's hard to believe.

But, I do think God spoke to me on Sunday when I was in church. He told me to make a phone call to the social worker at the hospital and ask how I can be involved with the HEAL (Helping Each Other After Loss) program. I'm a bit nervous though. Am I strong enough? Has enough time passed? What can I do? What helped me? I need to make this phone call. But I am nervous.

I don't know what to do on the 24th. Liam's angelversary. I want to start a tradition. I'm thinking about sending up balloons with messages on/in them at their grave. I don't know.... I just want my Year 1 to be over......

A Mother's Grief, A Mother's Love

I keep learning that a Mother's grief is like no other's. Not even a Father's. It's a "beyond frustrating" place to be. The majority of people don't want to talk about or see a picture of my "dead" children and I get that. It's too raw, too emotional, too painful. But as their mother, I am still so very proud these are my boys and the memories I do have of them is ALL I have. I won't have a new picture every year to put on the wall or a new "bigger" footprint to display. The pictures, items and symbols I have are the only ways I can honor them as my children. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one left grieving. I know that's not true. I feel like I have to accept my grieving is so personal, so different and so more complicated than any one else. When you've been to hell and back its hard to relate to others. It's hard to enjoy what you once enjoyed. It's hard to live.
Yesterday the hospital held a remembrance service for all the babies gone too soon. I brought a picture of the twins to show my family. This picture had been edited by a photographer to make it look "better". It was in black and white and touched up/smoothed a bit (especially Liam). I put it in a frame with the Helen Keller quote "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." I passed it down to share with my family who graciously came to the remembrance service with us. When we left the service Scott and I were having a discussion in the car and I mentioned that I felt "stupid" for passing around the picture. I felt like it was too hard for everyone to look at but I can't help how proud I am of my boys and I wish one of my family members would of told me they thought it was beautiful.... We arrive home, some time passes, and I am in the old "baby's room" putting the picture away. Carter comes up to me and says "Mom I heard you say in the car you wish someone would of said the picture is beautiful, I think it's beautiful Mom."
That is all I needed to hear. As Carter gets older he seems to know exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. He is going to be a truly amazing man full of Faith, Love and Wisdom. I know this deep in my heart. God Bless that little man.