2008. A New Start.

Well,
Here we are a new year. WOW how time flies. It is 2008. Scott and I have been together 10 years this year. It will be our 5th wedding anniversary this year. OMG. I can't believe it and my Mikey- he is driving! (I worry about him constantly...)
I've definitely made a ton of "New Year's Resolutions" Basically a live better plan of physical, emotional, spiritual, and personal qualities I want to change about myself. I feel good at the moment. I'm getting my Real Estate business going, Scott started his new position today and all seems to be kinda smooth right now. We aren't going back to RE until Feb. so enjoying the time off of Dr. appointments. We are using a digital fertility monitor this month. It seemed to work pretty well at telling me when I was ovulating so that eased my mind a bit that our timing was good this month. I have very high hopes for the year. I can't tell you how happy we are 2007 is behind us. Here's to a great 2008!

Good news/Bad news

I passed my Real Estate Exam- That is the good news!!! Now for the bad which I'm sure you can guess- A negative pregnancy test. I wasn't feeling too positive about this cycle since it was so strange so it wasn't as big of a disappointment as last injection round. Scott took it worse than I did this time. He is so pissed and sick and tired of being positive about things and I completely understand. I really took a deep negative dive last injection round and I can;t seem to get out of it. I have no Faith, Hope, or Strength left to think positive. I can;t help it. I wish I could turn it around. I'm just depressed that's all and I don't know how to help myself. What kills me is seeing Scott go through the same thing. He has always been the "look on the bright side" "let's think positive" person. I don't want him to go the other way but I can relate to everything he is feeling and I hate to see him this way. For some reason I feel like it is my fault, like I put him through this. And if he was with someone else he would be a dad by now- a wonderful dad. I know this is stupid to think about but I feel like because my body can't get and stay pregnant (for whatever reason) it is my fault and I don't want to put him through this pain anymore.
We are taking a break from the Dr. for a few months. I could of started injection again tomorrow but I really don't want to be stuck with needles for 2 weeks and get an internal ultrasound every 3rd day at the Dr. office. Its getting kinda humiliating to me.
I am so glad we are getting away for Christmas! I am SO excited it's just going to be us. I do feel bad we wont see our families but we need to get away and enjoy our little family- just the 2 of us (and are furbabies of course!) This Christmas is SO different from any Christmas I have ever experienced. I have not one decoration up and I have no Christmas spirit. I tried to force myself to get in the holiday mood but its not happening. I hope this is the first and LAST Christmas like this.
But I have to say not stressing about gifts like I usually do has been kinda nice. It make you realize what's really important and that's just spending time with the one's you love. That's all that really matters to me. As long as I have my family, friends, and my best friend and husband I know I will be O.K.

Confusion

Things went really weird this cycle. Last Monday my dose was increased to 187.5IU until Thursday. I went back Thursday and I was put on 150IU until Saturday. On Saturday I was put on 150IU for Saturday and 75IU for Sunday. Dr. thought my IUI was going to be this Wednesday Dec. 5th. I went back to office on yesterday for my routine ultra sound and blood work. I get a call from the nurse telling me that they pulled a progesterone level and I already started ovulating and the Dr. thinks it is not worth it to do the IUI this late.
I was so upset because I've been through hell the past 2 weeks w/shots, blood work and ultrasounds and now it is too late to do the insemination? My body decided to ovulate early? I still am confused about everything and have questions for Dr. Yes- it is still possible for me to get pregnant this month the "natural" way but my chances of success are increased w/ the insemination and I rely on the insemination because by the time my eggs are "cooked" so to say I am in pain, bloated, and feeling the pressure which makes nothing easier.
Plus I didn't have alot of follicles like usual? and they weren't that big when I supposedly started ovulating? I don't know. Once again I am confused, frustrated and at my wit's end. We will see what happens when I go in for a pregnancy test in a couple weeks but I have to admit I'm not feeling too positive about this cycle- it was a mess (to say the least).
For now I need to concentrate on studying for my Real Estate exam which is next week! I am nervous but excited to get it over with already! Scott got a new position at work with better pay so that is GREAT news. I'm am so happy for him. It is a farther drive but we are working on finding a "work" car that gets good mileage. Good luck comes in 3's right??? If I pass my test maybe I will also get the greatest good news I've been waiting for. I will hope and wait, wait, wait.

Injection Day 7

Things are going as normal. No real great response yet but my ovaries will be "kicking it up a notch" later this week I'm sure. I go back to RE's on Wednesday. The nurse hasn't called me back yet to tell me what my dose will be tonight but I'm guessing Dr. is going to increase it a bit. I've been having some major hot flashes it seems this treatment cycle and just a nauseated feeling. Not sure if it's the extra hormones or the pounds of food I ate over the holiday weekend! I am getting my normal chest soreness and exhaustion but I'm use to this by now. I am betting IUI will be next Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. Usually I would have my tree and decorations up by now- I'm just not feeling up to it and I don't see the point. It sounds so Ebenezer Scrooge but I am just being honest. I told Scott if the feeling comes over me where I want to get all the Christmas stuff out i will - but if it doesn't come to me I'm not going to worry about it.

Round #3. Last chance before a big decision

Here we go again. Its been a bad past few days. The ugly "Aunt Flo" arrived and once again I am fathomed at the fact that we cant get pregnant like two normal human beings. As I walked into the Dr.'s office today all I kept thinking was... isn't Scott and I's love for each other enough? We have a connection and love for one another that many never find and I am grateful for that every second of my life but isn't that good enough to bring a baby into our lives? We have SO much love to give. We are good, loving people. We have a warm, happy home and so much love for each other. Isn't that enough??? The frustration and questions never end. As I probably said before- I could never do this without Scott. He honest to God is the reason I am still going. I can without a doubt say my heart feels the same about him as it did 10 years ago. When I think about how much he means to me, how much I love him, and how much we've been through together- I know if he's by my side he can get me through anything.
I seen Dr. Hecht this morning. 150IU's today through Sunday, back to office on Monday. I not going to put the extra effort into being hopeful, positive, and full of Faith this time. I wish I could. I'm just tired and it seems like no matter what I do, how I think or feel it always ends in disappointment (at least in this aspect of my life) So I'm going to take it one day at a time. If this doesn't work our next option is an extremely expensive option. I am willing to sacrifice whatever I have to to get pregnant. Call it selfish or selfless- Its our choice. I just don't think Scott and I are on the same page about Invitro Fertilization (IVF). I guess we will just cross that bridge if we have to. Time to turn into a pin cushion for the next few weeks.... Eeeek.

Update

Its been quite a while. Over a month. I went for a beta blood test on Oct. 15th. It was negative. I sobbed and sobbed- I left work and called my mother. I had to talk to her. I drove to her work and I just told her how we tried injections again and they didn't work and how incredibly hard it was for me to not tell her. I don't get it? Its been over 2 years- we've had every test done possible- I've taken so many drugs, I've had so many insemination's. I don't get it. We don't get it. Then we got more bad news. Scott's new insurance doesn't cover any injection medication. We have one more box of injections in our fridge so that means one more round of injections and that's it (because one box cost $700 and I usually go through more than one box a cycle)- we've exhausted all "reasonable" options.

Except for IVF- Invitro Fertilization which is about 10-15K. That is where they take my eggs out- fertilize them w/ Scott's sperm and put the fertilized eggs back into my body. It's a 50% success rate I believe compared to the 10-20% success rate we've been dealing with with Clomid, FSH and IUI's. My thought is- I will do whatever it takes. Sell my car, work 4 jobs, or whatever to pay for a loan for this. This is the only way it will happen for us. I don't think Scott is totally on the same page as me. Yes, he wants to be pregnant as much as I do but it bothers him its only a 50% success rate for such a large amount of money. I know what he means but we've come so far- we've worked so hard. I DON'T want to give up! I want to put all this on the back burner right now because I still do have one more chance w/ injections and IUI but its so hard for me to be positive about anything working in our favor.

This month's disappointment was harder than usual. It felt like it was on the level of the miscarriage disappointment I felt months ago. I swear every time I turn around I see or hear about pregnancy or babies. It upsets Scott too. We are both so damn frustrated. We decided to go away for Christmas and celebrate our little family together and alone. Christmas is pretty much about the kids and we need to distance ourselves from that with no offense to anyone in our family whatsoever. Its just something we need to do- for our emotional sanity. I'm excited to go away- we are taking the dogs so that will be so much fun and great because I won't be worrying about them 24/7!

Also I took my real estate sales classes and just need to take the state test to official get my real estate license. I'm excited for the change and the opportunity to make some commission cash flow. It's been nice to think about school and studying for a while and not all about why we can't get pregnant 24/7. BUT, the time is coming for us to start out 3rd and final round of injections. I don't know how to feel about it. I'm definitely not excited. I'm trying to be hopeful but I am terrified that I will have yet ANOTHER negative. Anything is possible right? I wish I could think of that phrase in a positive way and not a negative but given my past circumstances I have NO clue where my daily motivation comes from...
I feel like creating a life is part science and part miracle and we are definately doing everything possible for the "science" aspect of it- so why haven't I had my miracle side? why in 27 months? what did I do not to have my miracle? Ugh. I have ALOT of questions and no explainations.

Prayer

I've never prayed this hard. I know that sounds horrible but I've really been trying to talk to God and ask Him for my miracle, ask Him to bless us, ensure Him we are ready and willing to accept children. I ask Him for Faith, Strength, Hope and positive thinking. I get so emotional when I pray because it means so much to me. I can't help to think What if this doesn't happen? What am i going to do? I try to avoid those thoughts but sometimes its impossible. There's nothing I can do but wait and this week is going to creep by ever so slowly- i know it will. Its just another test of my patients. I cant help but feel like its going to end in failure- can you blame me?? It's been over two years of failure. I just feel like I got pregnant from the shots the first time so it HAS to work the 2nd time- But as Dr. Hecht explained- that's not true. I just want ONE sign. One sign that makes me believe it happened. I'll take anything at this point.