Awkward vs. Avoidance

When I see someone I know in public and they avoid the fact I recently lost Nathan- I get so upset. All I'm asking for is a "How are you?" Not the "how are you" like you do in passing or to strangers but "I know you must be in a lot of pain still how are you." It feels so personal  like they are dismissing my boys- like they are pretending nothing ever happened. I know this is not the case- they just feel bad, don't know what to say, feel awkward, etc., etc.  The awkwardness they might feel bringing my boys up would be far less "painful" than the hurt I feel when the subject of my twin boys is avoided. Ask me what happened with Nathan or Liam, ask me how Carter and Scott are, ask me anything- just don't avoid this huge, traumatic life event I just experienced. Would you do the same thing if I got diagnosed with cancer or lost my husband??
What really bugs me is hearing people say they heard the news from "so and so" then I see "so and so" and they totally avoid/pretend nothing happened. HELLO!!! You can spread my news to your whole office but can't say at the very least "How are you?" I'm not asking for a constant pity party. I'm asking for compassion for another human being. If I don't want to talk about it I will tell you. I feel so "scary" to people. There I go again with the labels...
I'm on a mission to find my mission. I need to help others, that's how I heal. I just need to figure out how. I know it will come to me. I might not be ready yet. My heart is still extremely heavy with sadness. No one does their best work when they are depressed.
I finally cleaned up Nathan's room. It is pretty bare but clean. Liam's Molly Bear is on the dresser waiting for Nathan's to join him. Along with both Liam and Nathan's blankets from the hospital. I did make a Nathan and Liam shelf in the curio cabinet in the living room. It feels good to display some of the items that represent my angel boys. I also hung the "Precious Little Ones" poem in the living room. I am hoping to get a edited picture of Nathan soon so I can hang that up as well. I really want to finish their scrapbooks I already started...
I still cant believe this all happened. It still feels like one huge nightmare.

Labels

I hate putting labels on my forehead. I did it with the unexplained infertility imaging a big "I" on my forehead and feeling less of a woman because I need help from drugs, Dr.'s and the bank to get pregnant. Now I feel like I have "Mom to a Stillborn" written on my forehead. I feel like it's a disease that no one wants to catch. I feel like women look at me and Thank the Heavens they aren't me. And they "Can't image", and "Wouldn't survive something like that" and think "I'm much stronger of a person than they are".
I'm mean to myself I know. I try to own my story, be proud? of my story, Believe that something positive will come out of my story. Believe that I can do God's work because of my story. I try to imagine my babies in Heaven alive and perfect and watching over me. It's hard though. I think about the tragedy everyday and what I thought my life was going to be this summer. It's really depressing. I also think that I would gladly take all this pain for my children if it means they didn't have to suffer or feel one moment of it. That's what you do for your kids.
I hate reliving the moment over and over in my head the day Nathan passed. It happens almost everyday. Its haunting. Especially the phone call to Scott and his reaction.... I want that to stop.
I haven't been to the grave in a while and I haven't felt like going. I don't know why. It's too painful. I want to decorate/make it look nice but I haven't had the desire to go there. I feel guilty about that. I don't know what is in my future. Is there another child? I would like to Hope so but my heart is weak, it's tired, it's broken. I don't know if Scott and I can handle much more. There's only one thing to do- Pray.

To Hell and back many many times.

Wow!!! reading my last post was emotional because all of my fears in that post came true. In that last post I was pregnant with twins. We knew Nathan was a boy, we didn't know Liam (the smaller one) was also a boy.
We lost them both. My twin boys went to the Lord. Liam at 18 weeks and Nathan at 35 weeks.
One statement in that last post remains true. God is big enough to handle all of my worries and anxiety. He is in control and will be by my side no matter what. Well, the "what" happened and I somehow still manage to be Thankful, Faithful, Hopeful and the Proudest Mom of 3 boys! There are so many blanks to fill in but I'm not going to do that right now. I'm not ready. I am ready to tell the world 2 of my babies are in Heaven and they are perfect, happy, healthy, safe and sound.

This story is far from over.

To be continued...

13 weeks 2 days and one gender revealed!!!

I'm 13 weeks now and its kind of a milestone for me. When I was 12 and a half weeks pregnant with Carter I had one of the worst experiences of my life- a bowel obstruction. I still have flashbacks and nightmares about it but no more living in the past! Right now, all systems seem to be working quite well :) I went in for my last RE appointment on Oct. 17th. The babies looked good. The one still measuring smaller than the other (5 days apart- last ultrasound they were 4 days apart). Not gonna lie, I am kind of nervous about this. The smaller baby has a faster heartbeat still. (That's my peanut princess). Dr. said one is "significantly" bigger than the other but they look good. Dr. also tells me the genetic testing came back good on both babies. All the chromosome counts are good. So that chance of something being wrong (genetically) is 1 in 10,000 (I think he said). He then says "Did you want to know the sex of the babies?" Uhhhhhhhhh YEA!! I say. He says the Y chromosome did show up on the genetic testing bloodwork so he knows at least one of them is a boy! He said we can rule out two girls. When he said boy I immediately got emotional. 1. Because I have a boy and I know "boys" and 2. Carter gets the brother he's been asking for!! I also immediately wanted to call Scott to tell him this wonderful news. I can't believe I'm going to have another handsome, kind, loving, sweet baby boy. I feel like I'm more of a boy mom :) But I am still holding on to the possibility the other twin is my peanut princess!! (Yes, I'm already assuming the big one is a boy and the smaller one is a girl)
I had my 1st appointment with my midwife on Monday Oct. 20th. It didn't really go how I wanted it too. I did have my list of concerns I went over with her but all her answers were in "lecture form" and there's ALWAYS issues with the computer system/program they use when I'm there. It always seems like she's more concerned getting data into the computer than she is of really listening to me. But the good news is she is sending me to the OB/GYN she works with Dr. Canby and a high risk Dr.- Dr. Khawli. I do have a follow up with her on Nov. 3rd where she is going to give me results of extra bloodwork she took, pap test she did (the pap RE did came out with "inconclusive results") and I am also having an ultrasound that day. Then I think I will make my 1st appointment with Canby. I will see the high risk Dr. around 18 weeks she said. I'm really anxious to meet Canby. She will be delivering my babies. I hope I "jive" with her. If I don't- who knows what I will do? I'm just trying to take this all in one appointment at a time.
My anxiety has been through the roof! I am not nervous about after they are home. I am nervous about getting them here- safe, sound and big/healthy enough to stay out of the NICU. I am already a worrier and with this totally new experience of twins I am at my anxiety limit. I feel like I am walking on eggshells everyday (does that analogy make sense?). At night I imagine myself taking all the worries I feel in my head and heart and giving them to God. God can handle it. My church once preached that worries and anxiety are forms of unbelief in God. I know God is working for me, for my babies, for my family. I feel like this battle was over the day we got the call it was positive. You know the saying- "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" Well, I feel like we've gotten everything we could handle already. The fight is over. But.... I'm a mom and mom's worry. It's our full time job. I loved these babies when they were follicles and then when they were fertilized eggs and embryos and then when they were put back in me as blastocysts- small as a pin head. I want to protect them and I feel like I don't have full control right now. I know my body knows what to do but honestly I'm scared. I just want them here. I said it the moment we found out we were having twins. I just want someone to guarantee me both these miracle will be in my arms in the end. I think that's how it is when you are diagnosed infertile. You refuse to believe it until the baby (ies) is (are) here. You've been let down a lot in this department. You just want your happy ending. You want to skip the pregnancy and hold the miracle you worked and prayed so damn hard for. That's how I feel.
Someone told me those worries, fears and anxieties are Satan trying to take my joy away. Well bug off Satan! God is in control and He is by my side no matter what. He takes all my worries. He is Big enough to handle the million "what-if's" running through my head.
I just have to learn not to keep taking them back.
I really hope we can confirm the sex of the second twin on Nov. 3rd. Then I can get started on the room and clothes and NAMES! We already have it narrowed down though :) Physically I feel pretty good. The aversion to certain foods is kinda going away. I can stomach meat and salad and even wanted ice cream the other day! I am still tired tho. Waiting for the 2nd trimester burst of energy (does that exist??) My 13 week bump is the size of my 18-20 week bump with Carter. I don't really know how much weight I've gained. Its hard to keep track when all the fertility drugs made me bloated and probably made me gain a little weight too. I do think I'm starting to feel the babies. I can feel flutters/bubbles every now and then. I love it. I'm sure when they both big and kicking me hard I may not "love" it like I do now. Who am I kidding, I probably still will. Lol

Still needle free and happy as can be!

Everything went good at my appointment last Friday. One baby is measuring 4 days smaller than the other. The smaller one's heartbeat was 182 and the bigger one's heartbeat was 167. I started to freak out a little at the size difference but Dr. said it is normal for them to measure different and they usually like to see them within a week of each other. I also got pap culture done (UGH) and I opted to do the non invasive genetic testing where they test for chromosome defects. I hesitated getting this test done because it won't change anything but if something were to be "off" with either one I would want to know so I can research and prepare. My last appointment with RE is Oct. 17th then he is going to release me to my regular OB (which is a midwife) I will make an appointment with her after the 17th to discuss ALL of my questions regarding birthing twins, my past placenta issues and what Dr.'s she will be sending me too. Here is Johnson & Johnson's latest pic!

The smaller one (one on top sort of) was waving at me. It was amazing!!! I also decided to announce on Facebook here is the picture and status I posted 

"We began this year on one path and God led us to take another. This summer has been one of the hardest and greatest. IVF was nothing like I expected. To my prayer team who walked this journey with me. Your love, support, celebrations and most importantly prayers undoubtedly kept me going. I can't thank you enough! Scott, Carter and I are extremely Blessed and over the moon! My miracles with a side of science :)
Or in other words... Holy S#!@ we're having twins!!!!"

I received so many heartfelt comments, messages and texts. I printed them all out to put in the babies scrapbook! It was an emotional day reading everyone's comments. We are truly Blessed. Well that's all for now. Just super anxious to know genders so we can figure out names! We have it narrowed down though. I think. Lol.

 

10 weeks 1 day. Good riddance needles!!!

Well its been while since I wrote. Mostly because I've been busy at work, exhausted or not feeling well. The nausea still there sometimes but the crazy hunger has begun! It has woken me up a few times this week and it seems like 2 hours after I eat a meal I am starving again! The worst is when I'm so hungry but nothing sounds good. I am so happy to report that I *think* my injections are done!!! This past week has been nothing short of horrible when it came time for my nightly shot of progesterone. In addition to being sore, lumpy and red, I was bleeding immensely when Scott withdrew the needle. Blood would actually drip on floor. We both were super frustrated so I called Dr. on Monday to asked to be put on progesterone gel instead of injections and they agreed. If I start spotting I will go back on shots but so far so good! (Fingers and toes crossed!!) I go back to Dr. this Friday and I may be taken off all forms of progesterone. Last night was my first night without a shot since July 24th. I did some math- 90+ self injected needles in my body since July 24th. I am ready to make all the pokes in my stomach and backside a memory!
My herniated discs have been extremely flared the past couple weeks. I can tell it's nerve pain hitting the discs. I don't know what is causing it- the progesterone, the estrogen pills, the pregnancy or all three. I do know that it feel 70% better today. So, maybe it was the progesterone injections? If it returns I will need to go to physical therapy because I can only imagine what my back in going to feel like once I am carrying a lot of weight.
I am anxious to go to my appointment on Friday. Since I can't feel these babies yet I need to see them to ease my constant worries about their health. I still can't believe I'm going have twins and be a mother of 3. It's just crazy! I can't wait to hold them. I don't want to say this "out loud" but I think they are girls. Maybe... or maybe I feel like one is a girl. I'm almost ready to make it "Facebook official" even though sometimes I want to ban Facebook from my life but I am really excited and want to share my good news!! Scott started his nesting phase already. He emptied the babies room, put up a crib, cleaned out the closet, put in a ceiling fan (b/c it reduces chance of sids), and made a playroom for Carter down stairs. My sister graciously let me borrow her infant equipment and even dropped some items off already and my friend is making me a list of all her infant stuff as well. My in laws found us a changing table and we bought a nice double umbrella stroller at a garage sale the other weekend. I feel like we are on our way and will be OK with everyone's help! I read you want to be fully ready by 30 weeks with twins- that's around Valentine's Day for us.
Here is an updated pic- taken almost 2 weeks ago of Johnson&Johnson :)

Still processing

All was going well until Saturday September 6th morning. The day I've been waiting for. The day I got to see the heartbeat and breath a little easier. That is not exactly what happened. After sleeping really crappy on Friday night due to nerves and excitement I wake up Saturday morning and go to the restroom like I always do. Blood. Lots of it. I pretty much yell "Oh My God!" and start panicking. Scott comes running sees what I see and starts crying. I really thought I was beginning to miscarry. The whole way to Akron to get our ultrasound was silent. Except for my burst of tears. I almost lost it in the waiting area and completely lost it when our Dr. walked into the room. I told him about the blood and how I am nervous and can't calm myself down. He put ultrasound probe in. I had my eyes shut tight. I was terrified. Scott sniffles and nudges me on the shoulder. Before I could open my eyes and look at the screen I hear the heartbeat. I still can't pull it together. Dr. tells me heartbeat is 126 (wanted a heartbeat over 100) and measuring 6 weeks 3 days-right where it should be. Still crying I ask so there's just one? He says "No there is two". Now my hands start to go numb and I think I may pass out. All I kept thinking was I am going to lose one due to the bleeding this morning. He said heartbeat is 126 and measuring the same 6 weeks 3 days. He also points out a dark spot by one of the placentas and said that may be a slight detachment and wants me to stay off my feet for the weekend. Also explains there is a chance one of the multiples "diminishing" but both look good so far. Dr. said that a third of woman experience bleeding in early pregnancy and to call if bleeding gets heavy or I get cramps. He says he will see me to two weeks.
I didn't pull it together much that day. I was too terrified to move. I didn't want the bleeding to continue. I just wanted someone to tell me that they both will make it all the way. The fact that there were two didn't hit me until days later. I just want them both to be healthy. That's all.
The bleeding did go away and I hope it stays away. The fact that we are having twins hits me in different ways everyday. There are 1000 and 1 "what if's?" but I try to remind myself this is my last pregnancy and to enjoy it. (After the progesterone shots, injection site pain, back pain, complete exhaustion and nausea go away of course).
Last but not least. I know I can handle anything with Scott by my side. He is my partner on this crazy adventure and we will laugh, cry, celebrate, comfort and worry together! Just like we have been doing for the past 11 years.
Carter's reaction to the news of 2 wasn't that thrilling. He gave us a big smile then kept on eating his lunch. Lol. I did show him the ultrasound pictures and he said they look like quesadillas....?? Lol. Also this past weekend when I told Carter Dr. said to stay off my feet. He said "Just walk on your toes then Mommy". Last night when putting him to bed he says "I just don't know how we are going to adopt two babies" I said "We aren't adopting the babies they are coming out of Mommy's belly" He said "Oh, how are we going to keep them?" I laughed and said they are going to live in the computer room. They are both going to share that bedroom" "Oh" he says.
Lastly, I am so grateful for all the phone calls and texts of love, prayers, support and celebration. There are so many people who I can feel are so truly happy and excited for us. People who have been experiencing this IVF journey with us from the start, who have been our prayer team! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for making us feel so loved.
This has been one of the hardest things I have been through physically and emotionally. No words can describe how I will feel when I am holding those babies. They are true miracles. Just like Carter. My three miracles with a side of science :)