We are not alone this Thanksiving

Grateful and Grieving

This is a blog post I stumbled across. I loved it.

Dear Sweet Liam,
Only you know how I feel inside about this day exactly 1 year ago. I worry about you everyday. Please fill my heart with Peace.
Love always,
Mom

Left behind

I feel left behind. I feel like life moved on for my everyone and it didn't move on for Scott and I. We are left behind. Our lives aren't back to "normal", we can't fully enjoy a birthday, a holiday, a celebration, anything. We are stuck. We are trapped. Everyone is moving forward and we cannot. To him and I it feels like we are going to feel this way forever but I know that is not true. I feel as though Scott and I are so sensitive right now because we have been hit with such shock and trauma. We are also depressed. We have an incredibly low tolerance for drama, bull shit, fake-ness, and insensitivity. We want everyone to put themselves in our shoes before they talk to us about their "problems". Maybe that makes us intimidating, hard to love, not fun to be around?? I don't know.
I can't bubble myself, even though I'd like to.
With the holidays season approaching it just feels like I'm going through the motions because I am stuck. I am stuck thinking about the twin boys I thought were going to celebrating their 1st Christmas but instead I just ordered a memorial ornament for them to hang on the tree...

Year 1

The first year after a personal loss is the hardest. I can't wait until my "Year 1" is over. I have until St. Patrick's Day of 2016. I know I won't feel miraculously better on March 18th but all those thoughts in my head right now of "Last year at this time I was..." Just found out I was pregnant... Just found out it was twins, Just found out Liam was abnormal, Knew Liam was going to die, Lost Liam...., Had a baby shower, Set up the nursery, Lost Nathan...
Last night was bad. It was one of those nights where I kept getting flashbacks of all the horrible events that have happened the past year. I can easily put myself right back in those moments. It is so painful. I want them to stop. I feel horrible that we lost Liam only 3 days after Carter's birthday. I think I 'm going super overboard with Carter's birthday party to distract myself. It was working up until recently. I want my twin boys back. I want them to be celebrating their big brother's birthday and the Holidays with us. My heart just aches for them.

3 babies lost. One in each of the 3 trimesters. 6 weeks, 18 weeks and 35 weeks. Each loss had its own difficulties and pain. It's hard to believe.

But, I do think God spoke to me on Sunday when I was in church. He told me to make a phone call to the social worker at the hospital and ask how I can be involved with the HEAL (Helping Each Other After Loss) program. I'm a bit nervous though. Am I strong enough? Has enough time passed? What can I do? What helped me? I need to make this phone call. But I am nervous.

I don't know what to do on the 24th. Liam's angelversary. I want to start a tradition. I'm thinking about sending up balloons with messages on/in them at their grave. I don't know.... I just want my Year 1 to be over......

A Mother's Grief, A Mother's Love

I keep learning that a Mother's grief is like no other's. Not even a Father's. It's a "beyond frustrating" place to be. The majority of people don't want to talk about or see a picture of my "dead" children and I get that. It's too raw, too emotional, too painful. But as their mother, I am still so very proud these are my boys and the memories I do have of them is ALL I have. I won't have a new picture every year to put on the wall or a new "bigger" footprint to display. The pictures, items and symbols I have are the only ways I can honor them as my children. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one left grieving. I know that's not true. I feel like I have to accept my grieving is so personal, so different and so more complicated than any one else. When you've been to hell and back its hard to relate to others. It's hard to enjoy what you once enjoyed. It's hard to live.
Yesterday the hospital held a remembrance service for all the babies gone too soon. I brought a picture of the twins to show my family. This picture had been edited by a photographer to make it look "better". It was in black and white and touched up/smoothed a bit (especially Liam). I put it in a frame with the Helen Keller quote "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." I passed it down to share with my family who graciously came to the remembrance service with us. When we left the service Scott and I were having a discussion in the car and I mentioned that I felt "stupid" for passing around the picture. I felt like it was too hard for everyone to look at but I can't help how proud I am of my boys and I wish one of my family members would of told me they thought it was beautiful.... We arrive home, some time passes, and I am in the old "baby's room" putting the picture away. Carter comes up to me and says "Mom I heard you say in the car you wish someone would of said the picture is beautiful, I think it's beautiful Mom."
That is all I needed to hear. As Carter gets older he seems to know exactly what to say to me to make me feel better. He is going to be a truly amazing man full of Faith, Love and Wisdom. I know this deep in my heart. God Bless that little man.

God's instrument

After I posted yesterday's story I thought I should post this one as well. A month or so ago I was at my parent's house letting my son ride dirt bike/ four wheeler with his cousins. It was a really hot and humid day. On my way home I thought maybe I should stop  by the cemetery to water the flowers I put at the boy's grave. I usually bring my own watering can filled with water because the water pump that is at the cemetery is really hard to get to work. You need a lot of muscle power and energy to get water to flow out so I really didn't want to stop since Scott wasn't with me to help but I pulled in anyway.
I was sweating like crazy and struggling to get the water to come out when I hear a voice say "I don't think that is working..." I look up and see an older gentleman walking towards me. He repeats himself and offers me the rest of the water he brought. We get to talking and I discover he had just lost his wife to cancer 21 days ago. The dirt on her grave site was still in a mound because it is not fully settled. This man's name was Charles. (Nathan's middle name) I could tell he loved his wife just like I love Scott. They had been together since they were 13 years old. Married 56 years. He was so distraught. He cried and just was still in such shock. He had so many questions. He didn't know what to do with himself. I tried to console him the best way I could. I told him it will get a little better each day. I reminded him Loretta was still with him everyday. She is still his wife. We talked about his children and grandchildren. We talked about the twins. I told him I go to Greenford Christian Church and there is a support group for widows and maybe it would help. I told him it didn't matter what his religion was or if he was religious at all. I told him it helps to talk to other who have gone through the same things you have. We talked for at least 20 minutes. At the end of conversation he confirmed directions to the church- he said he was familiar where it was at. He gave me a hug.
I hope I helped this gentleman I met at the cemetery- whether it was for 1 minute, 1 hour or 1 day. I continue to pray for Charles and hope he is healing and getting signs from his loved Loretta that she is OK and waiting for him.
Thank you God for making me pull in the cemetery that day! Watering the flowers is not why I went there. I went there to help console a man who just lost his wife.

Earrings

Yesterday Carter and I went to the 11 o'clock service at Greenford Christian. Sometimes I let him come to the adult service instead of the children's program. Today I wanted him to go to the children's program so he wouldn't have to just sit there and be quiet and not move all around. I dropped him off in his classroom and headed over to the main building for service. I picked my seat in my usual spot/section/side. I sat down and there was no one around me yet.  I see tons of other people chatting with each other and big families coming in and sitting down and I start to feel bad like there was a big spotlight on me. Service starts and more and more people start piling in the church. I'm estimating there are approximately 300 people that attend the 11 o'clock service on any given Sunday. So we sing 2 songs and sit down. As soon as I sit down a couple with a baby carrier come and sit in the aisle right in front of me. "Great..." I think "This baby is going to upset me" "Why did they have to sit right in front of me in the huge church" Then I look at the woman's earrings. They were doves. Each ear had a beautiful dove earring. There they were- my boys.
I look down at my bracelet and the two doves on it - it is on the same arm as my tattoo with the boy's names and two doves. I knew this was God working through this woman and her earrings. It sounds a bit ridiculous but I know this is why that woman put on those earrings this morning and sat directly in front of me. I no longer felt lonely. My boys were there with me. I stared at those earring the entire service.
Their daughter was hands down one of the cutest and happiest babies I have ever seen. I knew she was around the age Nathan would of been had he been born in March. When this baby looked in my eyes and smiled at me I almost felt like it was Nathan saying "Don't worry Mom, I am so happy in Heaven and having the best time!" Looking at this baby girl brought me joy and it was amazing to have that feeling again when looking at a baby.
I was so compelled tell this woman what she has done for me today. I was nervous though. "Is she going to think I am a crazy!?" I just HAD to tell her though. When service was over and I say "Excuse me, I have to tell you the dove earrings you are wearing have brought so much comfort to me today. I lost twin boys earlier this year and they come to me in the form of doves" I show her my bracelet and my tattoo. Her eyes immediately well with ears as do mine. I say "There's a reason you sat in front of me today- Thank you". She hugged me, said "I am so sorry" then put her hand on my face and just looked into my eyes like she could feel my pain. It is a moment I will never forget. God used this caring woman, this stranger, to remind me my boys are not dead, they are Alive!

God is Great.

Broken heart

Sometimes after we put Carter to bed he calls us back in his room and tells us he misses the babies. It's heartbreaking but I can usually calm him down and stay relatively calm myself. I offer Liam's Molly Bear (still waiting on Nathan's) to sleep with or their blankets from the hospital to help him feel better and feel close to his brothers. He says no to these things so I started offering a picture of them. He says yes to the picture and I hang it on his wall for the night. Tonight he said something that was new and absolutely broke my heart. "I wish they were in the next room sleeping and I wish I could wake up and see them in the morning". I lost it. I can't take seeing him hurt. It's way worse than my own hurt. I feel so bad for him, for what he has experienced, for what he knows, for what he's missing, for the fact he hates being an only child. I don't know what to do. There's nothing I can do. I can't belive this happened.