I Love Scott

I love Scott because he keeps saying how excited he is that we started doing injections again. I'm so happy he is happy about this. I am excited too because I think we have a great chance of success! I was reading the pamphlet on Gonal-f and the percentage rate of pregnancy for the 2nd cycle of Gonal-f is 41% I believe and it was about 28% or so with cycle #1. So lets hope my body cooperates. I am on 150IU beginning last night (CD3) until Sunday night then back to RE on Monday to check progress. I hope I'm not in alot of pain or all bruised up for my friend's wedding I am in next weekend but I won't worry about that at the moment. The shot was fine. I freaked out a tiny bit before Scott stabbed me last night but nothing like the anticipation of the first cycle I was on injections. I am getting a weird taste in my mouth though right after the injection?? I got that a few times last cycle too. It's metal tasting and not pleasant. Well, I feel better than yesterday so let's hope I can keep feeling better and staying positive!!!

Round #2 Tonight at 6pm

My new motto:
"Getting shot up to get knocked up!"
Polyp is gone. My uterus looks "boring" which is a good thing. We are clear to start round #2 Gonal-f FSH injections. I need to stay calm and positive I just don't know how to. I'm going to rely on my faith and trust God will take care of everything. I'm so so so so so so nervous. Scott said he was excited to start the shots again- that made me so happy when he said that because sometimes I don't know how he feels about all of this. He's not like me with showing emotion/feelings (what man is??) I have mixed emotions about all of this. I know I want to do this again but sometimes I can't believe what we are doing to get pregnant! And the what-ifs... Mainly, what if I miscarry again? How will I deal with that again? And if I do get pregnant I'm going to be a freak and not lift a damn finger b/c I will try to do anything I did last time I was pregnant b/c what if doing that made me miscarry (cleaning, picking up cat, laying on stomach) Of course my RE told me it was nothing I did or did not do that caused the miscarriage but still- If I am pregnant I am going to lay perfectly still on my back and not do anything besides shower and go to work and sit at my desk! LOL. I know I'm being extreme but this is how I will act I know it! OK- one day at a time. Guess I better get ready to LOVE needles again. Here we go....

My gut was half right.

Well,
I'm not pregnant and it may not be a polyp. I had the worst cramps of my life yesterday and nothing I took made them go away. I call Hecht's office and asked if my cramps could be worst due to the polyp? Nurse said yes- anything like this can make my period worse and the RE is not even 100% positive it is a polyp- it may be residual (?) and may come out with my period. I go back to RE tomorrow morning to make sure this "thing" is gone and my guess is our first shot (2nd round) will be tomorrow. I feel like complete mush today (emotionally mainly) and I have anxiety so bad! I've had it all weekend. I really want to trust God this time round. I really want to stay positive and hopeful. Scott and I are just dealing with alot of financial issues at the moment and I don't want that stress to affect my body and chances of getting and keeping this (potential) pregnancy. Ugh! I am stressed.

A polyp?

Went to RE's today. There was a small black circle in the uterus. He said it was a polyp. He said nothing to be be too too concerned about but it has to be gone before we start injections again. The he threw me for a loop when he asked me "Are your breasts tender" and "Were your breasts tender?" I said they weren't tender now but they were a little earlier in the week. Now I am confused as EVER. He made no mention as to if it could be a pregnancy (gestational sac) he just told me to call him when my period arrives. I have been thinking and researching polyps, and 4 week gestational sacs and this is what I am thinking. Either it is a small polyp and it hopefully it will be gone by the time my cycle starts so we can start our meds again. Or, I am pregnant and Dr. Hecht of course does not want to give me any false hope that I am or will stay pregnant- plus if I was pregnant he wouldn't be seeing me/taking care of me since I haven't been seeing him for treatments- I would be going to my normal midwife and that's why he didn't suggest getting any blood work or didn't mention anything about calling if I DON'T get a period. Or lastly, maybe I was pregnant and it turned into a polyp??? BUT When I did research about polyps and from what Scott told me- polyps have stalks with a bigger top (like a tree). The ultrasound picture was an exact circle. I found a picture of a sonogram of a gestational sac at four weeks- it is exactly what I saw on the screen this morning. Yes- I'm freakin out. I think I am going to buy a pregnancy test today after work. If it is negative I still know I am going to start fertility treatments again (if the "polyp" is gone) so I have something to make me feel better and fall back on.
My gut is telling me that Dr. Hecht just said polyp because he didn't want me to get excited about an extremely early possible pregnancy. I'm really trying to stay calm. (yeah right!!!)

Back to work.

Well,
I called Dr. Hecht to tell him I'm ready to get back to work. I have an appointment for Friday Sept. 14th CD28 to get a scan (u/s) to make sure no cysts are present. Then I will start injections probably on CD2 or 3- which I'm guessing will be next week sometime. I am ready, nervous, and excited all at the same time. (Besides this blog) I will NOT be discussing any of my appointments with friends or family. Not because I don't want to because believe me- I DO- but because I either want to surprise everyone this time (hopefully) or if things do not work out I don't want to feel like I'm disappointing not only myself but all my wonderful friends and family who have been in my corner hoping and praying for us since day 1. I want this to be a private matter between Scott and I because it is such a sensitive and emotional process and i want us to be there for each other first- then share whatever news we get after the cycle is through.
Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts... We can do this.

Get ready, Get set,

I've been reading the book "The Secret" and it has helped me some and I'm trying to remember it each day. I've even started re-reading it and taking notes and studying it actually. It's all about positive thinking and whatever we "think about, we bring about". I could never summarize everything in the book but I would recommend it to anyone who is thinking about reading it. There's even a movie version (if you don't like to read :))Well, our "break" is almost over. I have made myself a note to call Dr. Hecht this month- closer to when my next cycle will start because we want to try injections again. I thought this summer break was going to be relaxing and it was for a few weeks but I'm ready to give the injections one more shot. (HA- no pun intended) We aren't telling anyone when exactly we are going back to Dr. because we don't want to- it's too hard. I will continue this blog of course- but not many know about this blog because it doesn't have the happy ending I want yet...I am excited, scared, upset, anxious, and ready to go back to our Infertility Dr. I just can't imaging having another miscarriage. I just don't know how I could handle that. But- I'm not thinking about that- I'm thinking about how I got pregnant from the fertility shots the 1st time. and how hopeful we are that WILL happen again. That's what we are praying for. THINK POSITIVE, THINK POSITIVE, THINK POSITIVE!!!! I'm trying- I really am....

What a marriage is made of...

I never (ever) thought being married was difficult- until this past year. And I know exactly why I feel this way. Its the stress, strain, depression, anxiety, heartache, and feelings of failure that come with a diagnosis of infertility (not to mention the completely ruined sex life). Its really hard to get through the month sometimes. Both of us are thinking about it constantly- it really affects how we act, think and talk to one another. Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore. Being married and wanting and trying to have baby for this long is too hard for me to handle and I don't want to do it anymore. I want to go back to the days when we weren't "trying" to have a baby. But this is my reality. This is our life. This is what we have to deal with and it just sucks. Scott and I know each other too well- we know what we want- we hate that we don't have any answers- we are confused- frustrated- and holding on day by day- we try to heal each other- we try to comfort each other but some days it's the opposite. We take it out on each other- we snap- and are stubborn and feel resentment and anger towards one another. We have to work very hard to keep our marriage working some days and never in a million years would I think I would say that but then again never in a million years did I think it would take me years to get pregnant and have the family I always wanted.